Gregory seems fine just now, glad to see that :). Cheer up man! Anyway, we went to a nearby coffeeshop to have our dinner after that. I only ate some toasted bread though. After that, Maclean left us to find his friends, while the rest of us went to the bowling alley at East Coast Park. I forgot the name -_-. Roy and Nicholas played against each other, while the rest of us watched them. Nicholas is good ^_^. Anyway, after that Nicholas played some games with his friends, while me, Roy and Jin Yuan played pool for free, thanks to Nicholas :P. He joined us later, and we played 9-ball. Anyway, I suck :(. After that, we went home =\. I heard "Bizarre Love Triangle" over the radio just now. The original singer is Frente!, but it was sang by some guy when I heard it. The lyrics:
Every time I think of you
I get a shot right through into a bolt of blue
It’s no problem of mine but it’s a problem I find
Living a life that I can’t leave behind
There’s no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won’t set you free
But that’s the way that it goes
And it’s what nobody knows
And every day my confusion grows
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I’m waiting for that final moment
You’ll say the words that I can’t say
I feel fine and I feel good
I feel like I never should
Whenever I get this way, I just don’t know what to say
Why can’t we be ourselves like we were yesterday
I’m not sure what this could mean
I don’t think you’re what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then we’d never see just what we’re meant to be
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I’m waiting for that final moment
You’ll say the words that I can’t say
Source: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/
I guess that's all... Lazy to type anymore. It's a nice song :).
20041014
20041013
Wednesday
Well, it's just another day of the week. Meeting Maclean and the rest later to go to Gregory's uncle's wake :(. Hope Gregory's fine. Sigh, don't know what to post for now. Hope someone gets her computer fixed soon :P.
20041012
Peace
Sorry I haven't been bloggin for the past few days. Anyway, it's 2.35am, Tuesday right now. Let's backtrack...
Starting from Sunday...
Woke up around 2pm or something. Too late to meet the CENT people already. They were at Toa Payoh as Larry, Roy and Tiffany all had their Taekwondo grading. Anyway, good luck :). Stayed at home till around 5.30pm, then I left house to meet Larry, who passed the GNC membership card to me. Roy was supposed to give it to me but he was lazy :P. Larry waited for me for like 20 minutes =\. Sorry! Then I met my father and sister, and we went to Loyang Tua Pei Gong to pray. Sorry about the Hanyu Pinyin. My father also gave me his "Fo Pai". Anyway, after that I went home, had dinner, and then I went to Boon Tiong's house. My mother was still sick :(. She insisted on doing housework and I nearly lost my temper at her. Damn it. You need a good rest. Let me do something for once. In the end, she went to sleep again, and I waited till 10pm or so before going to Boon Tiong's house.
Kelvin, Hong Wen, Boon Tiong, together with Boon Tiong's girlfriend and her family, and Boon Tiong's own family were all there when I reached. What a crowd. I bought the NutriSoy twin-pack before going, and I was left with 1 and 1/4 carton or so when I reached. Ended up I "tio suan" by all of them, for bringing NUTRISOY, when all of them are drinking either Tiger Beer or Guinness Stout. Anyway, I drank with them too, and even drank Guinness Stout mixed with NutriSoy with Boon Tiong's mother. Lol. It was a fun night, and it got better when my sister sms-ed me to tell me my mother's getting better. We all slept sometime around 3am I think, can't really remember. I wanted to wake up at 5am to go home and wake my sister up and stuff, but I ended up waking up at 7am. Gave my mother a call, and she said she's better now. I told her to rest at home but she insisted on working. Argh. She went to work, only to come home after getting a jab from the doctor at her workplace. THEN SHE WENT TO WORK AGAIN. Damn. Thankfully, by the time she came home again, around 7pm, she was alright.
Anyway, I had lunch around 2pm or so, with Boon Tiong's mother treating us. Nice duck rice :D. Kelvin and Hong Wen left after that, leaving only me, Boon Tiong, his brother, and mother. I went back to his house, and his mother made a "Fu" for me. Thanks =). I left Boon Tiong's house around 4pm or so. Bought some Toto numbers together, and only one number came out -_-. System 8 somemore. Damn. 14 dollars gone. Lol.
Anyway, thanks to Tiong Guan too. I called him around 5pm asking for some blank CDs, and he took the trouble to walk to my house and give it to me. I was too lazy to walk, and had flu thanks to Boon Tiong :X. Had dinner with Tiong Guan after that, went home, spent some time online, before taking a nap. Woke up around an hour ago, still having the flu now. Hm... To someone who's having some headache or something, do get well soon :).
So, to sum it up, the weekend was one of the best I've had in a long long time. Other than the flu. Haha :P. I also hope my mother fully recovers soon, and that someone's headache will be gone soon :P.
Before I forget, on Saturday, while out with the CENT people, the King Kong who got my number was actually thick-skinned enough to sms and ask me... "Hey that time you looking at me?" Fuck. I simply replied no. She went on to make up some excuse, saying her friend told her that. What the hell? If I'm going to look at a girl, I'm going to look at someone sweet. Not some wannabe "ah lian". Anyway, she got really irritating when she started saying stuff like "My friend says it's either you or your friends who looked at me." To my friends, if ANY OF YOU LOOKED AT HER, YOU AREN'T MY FRIEND. Alright, I should stop being so insulting, but people nowadays... You ask for someone's number, then you blame it on him/her because he/her supposedly looked at you first? If you've the guts to do it, have the guts to be truthful. On another note, to those who are bored enough and want to know what else happened on Saturday while out with the CENT people, check out Nicholas', Maclean's and Roy's blog. I'm too lazy to type anymore :P.
Starting from Sunday...
Woke up around 2pm or something. Too late to meet the CENT people already. They were at Toa Payoh as Larry, Roy and Tiffany all had their Taekwondo grading. Anyway, good luck :). Stayed at home till around 5.30pm, then I left house to meet Larry, who passed the GNC membership card to me. Roy was supposed to give it to me but he was lazy :P. Larry waited for me for like 20 minutes =\. Sorry! Then I met my father and sister, and we went to Loyang Tua Pei Gong to pray. Sorry about the Hanyu Pinyin. My father also gave me his "Fo Pai". Anyway, after that I went home, had dinner, and then I went to Boon Tiong's house. My mother was still sick :(. She insisted on doing housework and I nearly lost my temper at her. Damn it. You need a good rest. Let me do something for once. In the end, she went to sleep again, and I waited till 10pm or so before going to Boon Tiong's house.
Kelvin, Hong Wen, Boon Tiong, together with Boon Tiong's girlfriend and her family, and Boon Tiong's own family were all there when I reached. What a crowd. I bought the NutriSoy twin-pack before going, and I was left with 1 and 1/4 carton or so when I reached. Ended up I "tio suan" by all of them, for bringing NUTRISOY, when all of them are drinking either Tiger Beer or Guinness Stout. Anyway, I drank with them too, and even drank Guinness Stout mixed with NutriSoy with Boon Tiong's mother. Lol. It was a fun night, and it got better when my sister sms-ed me to tell me my mother's getting better. We all slept sometime around 3am I think, can't really remember. I wanted to wake up at 5am to go home and wake my sister up and stuff, but I ended up waking up at 7am. Gave my mother a call, and she said she's better now. I told her to rest at home but she insisted on working. Argh. She went to work, only to come home after getting a jab from the doctor at her workplace. THEN SHE WENT TO WORK AGAIN. Damn. Thankfully, by the time she came home again, around 7pm, she was alright.
Anyway, I had lunch around 2pm or so, with Boon Tiong's mother treating us. Nice duck rice :D. Kelvin and Hong Wen left after that, leaving only me, Boon Tiong, his brother, and mother. I went back to his house, and his mother made a "Fu" for me. Thanks =). I left Boon Tiong's house around 4pm or so. Bought some Toto numbers together, and only one number came out -_-. System 8 somemore. Damn. 14 dollars gone. Lol.
Anyway, thanks to Tiong Guan too. I called him around 5pm asking for some blank CDs, and he took the trouble to walk to my house and give it to me. I was too lazy to walk, and had flu thanks to Boon Tiong :X. Had dinner with Tiong Guan after that, went home, spent some time online, before taking a nap. Woke up around an hour ago, still having the flu now. Hm... To someone who's having some headache or something, do get well soon :).
So, to sum it up, the weekend was one of the best I've had in a long long time. Other than the flu. Haha :P. I also hope my mother fully recovers soon, and that someone's headache will be gone soon :P.
Before I forget, on Saturday, while out with the CENT people, the King Kong who got my number was actually thick-skinned enough to sms and ask me... "Hey that time you looking at me?" Fuck. I simply replied no. She went on to make up some excuse, saying her friend told her that. What the hell? If I'm going to look at a girl, I'm going to look at someone sweet. Not some wannabe "ah lian". Anyway, she got really irritating when she started saying stuff like "My friend says it's either you or your friends who looked at me." To my friends, if ANY OF YOU LOOKED AT HER, YOU AREN'T MY FRIEND. Alright, I should stop being so insulting, but people nowadays... You ask for someone's number, then you blame it on him/her because he/her supposedly looked at you first? If you've the guts to do it, have the guts to be truthful. On another note, to those who are bored enough and want to know what else happened on Saturday while out with the CENT people, check out Nicholas', Maclean's and Roy's blog. I'm too lazy to type anymore :P.
20041010
Yesterday
Yesterday was a fun day, went out with the CENT people and had loads of fun. Lol :D. Me and Andrew were the Air Hockey champions, until Gregory decided to help the other teams cheat :(. Lol :p. Anyway, I went to meet my father after that, and visit my auntie at the same time. She's now back in Hong Kong working :(. Anyway, talked to both of them about lots of stuff. Haha :). As usual, I talked to my father about love stuff and crap. He said that most people just want to get into relationships because they're curious and stuff. I think I sort of agree with that. Bah. Whatever. Just for your own need to satisfy your curiosity you end up hurting many others, and then you complain that love hurts? Lol. Amusing :). Instead of being faithful to just one person, you treat people like options, like a game. Choose the best among them. The richest, the most handsome, the prettiest, or the sexiest? I wish people like this will end up with each other, so those that are innocent won't be involved in their stupid games. Their curiosity. I'm curious too, can I fuck you? Haha.
On another note, my mother's sick now... :(. I hope she gets well soon. Sigh...
On another note, my mother's sick now... :(. I hope she gets well soon. Sigh...
20041009
98 Degrees - You Don't Know
Verse
Who could know the emptiness inside
Every time I see your face
Too many feelings left behind
Do you wonder why
I turn away when you look at me
Never wanting your eyes to see
This desperate heart that knows
How perfect we could be
Chorus
Baby, 'cause you don't know how I feel
Livin' my life without you
Baby, and you don't know what it's like
Lovin' you all this time
I'll give you all my love, heart and soul
Riskin' it all on a chance
Now when I need you the most
You don't know
Verse
All I ever wanted in this world
Baby, I found in you
I never felt this way before
But I can't break through
And now I lie awake, alone at night
So afraid now to close my eyes
Just one more dream of you
I'll carry here inside
Chorus
Bridge
And I would hold you all through the night
I would stay right by your side
And I'd give you the world if your love was mine
But, baby, could it be I'm only dreamin'
Don't let it pass me by
Chorus
Source: http://www.sing365.com/
Nice lyrics.
Who could know the emptiness inside
Every time I see your face
Too many feelings left behind
Do you wonder why
I turn away when you look at me
Never wanting your eyes to see
This desperate heart that knows
How perfect we could be
Chorus
Baby, 'cause you don't know how I feel
Livin' my life without you
Baby, and you don't know what it's like
Lovin' you all this time
I'll give you all my love, heart and soul
Riskin' it all on a chance
Now when I need you the most
You don't know
Verse
All I ever wanted in this world
Baby, I found in you
I never felt this way before
But I can't break through
And now I lie awake, alone at night
So afraid now to close my eyes
Just one more dream of you
I'll carry here inside
Chorus
Bridge
And I would hold you all through the night
I would stay right by your side
And I'd give you the world if your love was mine
But, baby, could it be I'm only dreamin'
Don't let it pass me by
Chorus
Source: http://www.sing365.com/
Nice lyrics.
Finally It's Over
Alright, the examination period is finally OVER. Over. Over. Now it's time for some slacking, before I start working. OADES was ok, especially when the Section B was so damn similar to the project. And it's open book, and I had my project report with me :). So I basically copied the thing down ^_^. Anyway, most of the CENT gang had my project report too, and most of them said it helped them. Glad I did something useful :).
Anyway, we played soccer after the paper, and the sun was really burning us. Before the game even started I was already sweating. Lol. Played for an hour or so, then we went to have lunch at Short Circuit. Some of them went to the CENT room though. After that, we went to the arcade in Century Square... AGAIN. Lol. And I made this one stupid screwed up completely retarded mistake. Andrew and the rest were racing why I was waiting for my turn. Then this two girls came to me. One of them started talking to me, in a not exactly polite manner. I heard her asking "Mind if we join you for the game?" So I replied "Ya sure." Then she took out her handphone, and passed it to me. I was like, "Huh?" She replied, "Your number?" Only then did I realised they wanted my number from the start, I heard wrongly. Since I already said yes I can't go back on my words, so ended up giving them. Sigh. Their attitude was rather shitty, and I don't even want to comment on their looks. Anyway, Gregory later told me they're always talking big, saying stuff like "Let's call XYZ down and settle ABC business." loudly in Hokkien. Damn it. HAHAHA. One of them is so short and small-sized I could've walked into her without realising it... The other one, er... King Kong. Alright, that's as far as I'm going :p.
I left the arcade after an hour or so to find Maclean and some others. They were sitting around and talking, while I fell asleep -_-. Anyway, woke up with a headache :(. Went to KFC after that, and I only had a drink. Larry lent me money for it. Lol. I'm completely broke after 5 days of arcade-ing. Went home after that, fell asleep, and woke up with a headache. And here I am now :P.
Anyway, was on the phone with my father just now, talking about some stuffs. My mother and him are finally on talking terms. And my father even invited my mother over his house for lunch, together with us, one of these days. No idea if my mother's going to go though. Also talked to him about myself, and he told me this "Don't play others, nor let others play you." in Chinese. Haha. Talked about other stuffs which I am too lazy to post about.
All these while I've been walking forward while looking at the past every single day. I'm walking backwards, towards the future, holding on to the past. All these, just to remember you. Just for the memories. No. All these, to remind myself what a fool I was. Eternity doesn't exist, that's why we should treasure relationships. But I was dumb enough to believe in eternity, just like you did. And we ended up not treasuring each other, and everything fell apart, just like us. Just like you. Just like me. Falling apart.
All these while... Why?
Are you sad? No, there's nothing to be sad about.
Then are you happy? No, nothing to be happy about either.
Then? No idea.
I'm tired of seeing your mask, take it off and show me the real you.
I'm simply a product of this society, just like you are.
Alright, enough crap from me. Take care :). Oh ya, today I was leaving school when I saw an old friend. Talked to him and he simply ignored me and talked to someone else :). How nice of you dude.
Anyway, we played soccer after the paper, and the sun was really burning us. Before the game even started I was already sweating. Lol. Played for an hour or so, then we went to have lunch at Short Circuit. Some of them went to the CENT room though. After that, we went to the arcade in Century Square... AGAIN. Lol. And I made this one stupid screwed up completely retarded mistake. Andrew and the rest were racing why I was waiting for my turn. Then this two girls came to me. One of them started talking to me, in a not exactly polite manner. I heard her asking "Mind if we join you for the game?" So I replied "Ya sure." Then she took out her handphone, and passed it to me. I was like, "Huh?" She replied, "Your number?" Only then did I realised they wanted my number from the start, I heard wrongly. Since I already said yes I can't go back on my words, so ended up giving them. Sigh. Their attitude was rather shitty, and I don't even want to comment on their looks. Anyway, Gregory later told me they're always talking big, saying stuff like "Let's call XYZ down and settle ABC business." loudly in Hokkien. Damn it. HAHAHA. One of them is so short and small-sized I could've walked into her without realising it... The other one, er... King Kong. Alright, that's as far as I'm going :p.
I left the arcade after an hour or so to find Maclean and some others. They were sitting around and talking, while I fell asleep -_-. Anyway, woke up with a headache :(. Went to KFC after that, and I only had a drink. Larry lent me money for it. Lol. I'm completely broke after 5 days of arcade-ing. Went home after that, fell asleep, and woke up with a headache. And here I am now :P.
Anyway, was on the phone with my father just now, talking about some stuffs. My mother and him are finally on talking terms. And my father even invited my mother over his house for lunch, together with us, one of these days. No idea if my mother's going to go though. Also talked to him about myself, and he told me this "Don't play others, nor let others play you." in Chinese. Haha. Talked about other stuffs which I am too lazy to post about.
All these while I've been walking forward while looking at the past every single day. I'm walking backwards, towards the future, holding on to the past. All these, just to remember you. Just for the memories. No. All these, to remind myself what a fool I was. Eternity doesn't exist, that's why we should treasure relationships. But I was dumb enough to believe in eternity, just like you did. And we ended up not treasuring each other, and everything fell apart, just like us. Just like you. Just like me. Falling apart.
All these while... Why?
Are you sad? No, there's nothing to be sad about.
Then are you happy? No, nothing to be happy about either.
Then? No idea.
I'm tired of seeing your mask, take it off and show me the real you.
I'm simply a product of this society, just like you are.
Alright, enough crap from me. Take care :). Oh ya, today I was leaving school when I saw an old friend. Talked to him and he simply ignored me and talked to someone else :). How nice of you dude.
20041008
Last Paper...
OADES... And it's over. Then I'm going to relax... Do nothing... Maybe I need to get a life. Anyway, hope everything goes well for the rest of the CENT people... :).
Unright
I keep telling myself I'm alright
Things are going to turn out right
But I can't deny this feeling
Every night as I face the ceiling
Will I be alone for the rest of my life?
If so, I'd rather end it with a penknife
Cut my wrist, watch the blood flow
Leave this world, enjoy the life below
I don't know when I'll lose it all
No idea when I'll start to fall
When I do and no one's there
I'll end my life with a silent prayer
-YC, 8th October 2004
Just wrote it. Going to sleep soon. Take care people :).
Unright
I keep telling myself I'm alright
Things are going to turn out right
But I can't deny this feeling
Every night as I face the ceiling
Will I be alone for the rest of my life?
If so, I'd rather end it with a penknife
Cut my wrist, watch the blood flow
Leave this world, enjoy the life below
I don't know when I'll lose it all
No idea when I'll start to fall
When I do and no one's there
I'll end my life with a silent prayer
-YC, 8th October 2004
Just wrote it. Going to sleep soon. Take care people :).
20041007
Random Song Lyrics
Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye
What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I've made mistakes, I'm just a man
When he holds you close, when he pulls you near
When he says the words you've been needing to hear
I'll wish I was him 'cause those words are mine
To say to you till the end of time
Bon Jovi - Always
Source: http://www.lyrics007.com/
2-I step off the train
I'm walking down your street again
And past your door, but you don't live there anymore
It's years since you've been there
Now you've disappeared somewhere, like outer space
You've found some better place
1-And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain
Could you be dead?
You always were two steps ahead, of everyone
We'd walk behind while you would run
I look up at your house
And I can almost hear you shout down to me
where I always used to be
(repeat 1)
Back on the train, I ask why did I come again?
Can I confess, I've been hanging round your old address?
And the years have proved
to offer, nothing since you've moved
You're long gone, but I can't move on
(rpt 1, 2, 1...)
Everything But The Girl - Missing
Source: http://www.lyricsdepot.com/
The beauty spot was borrowed and
Now my sweet knife rusts tomorrow .
I'm a confession that is waiting to be heard.
Burn your empty rain down on me
Whisper your deathbeat so softly
We bend our knees
At the altar of my ego
You drained my heart
And made a spade
But there's still traces of me
in your veins
You drained my heart
And made a spade
But there's still traces of me
in your veins
All my lilies' mouths are open
Like they're begging for dope
And hoping
Their bitter petal chant,
"We can kick , you won't be back."
I'm a diamond that is tired
Of all the faces I've acquired
We must secure the shadow
Ere the substance fades
You drained my heart
And made a spade
But there's still traces of me
in your veins
You drained my heart
And made a spade
But there's still traces of me
in your veins
And we said 'til we die
And we said 'til we die
Marilyn Manson - Spade
Source: http://www.mansonusa.com/
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye
What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I've made mistakes, I'm just a man
When he holds you close, when he pulls you near
When he says the words you've been needing to hear
I'll wish I was him 'cause those words are mine
To say to you till the end of time
Bon Jovi - Always
Source: http://www.lyrics007.com/
2-I step off the train
I'm walking down your street again
And past your door, but you don't live there anymore
It's years since you've been there
Now you've disappeared somewhere, like outer space
You've found some better place
1-And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain
Could you be dead?
You always were two steps ahead, of everyone
We'd walk behind while you would run
I look up at your house
And I can almost hear you shout down to me
where I always used to be
(repeat 1)
Back on the train, I ask why did I come again?
Can I confess, I've been hanging round your old address?
And the years have proved
to offer, nothing since you've moved
You're long gone, but I can't move on
(rpt 1, 2, 1...)
Everything But The Girl - Missing
Source: http://www.lyricsdepot.com/
The beauty spot was borrowed and
Now my sweet knife rusts tomorrow .
I'm a confession that is waiting to be heard.
Burn your empty rain down on me
Whisper your deathbeat so softly
We bend our knees
At the altar of my ego
You drained my heart
And made a spade
But there's still traces of me
in your veins
You drained my heart
And made a spade
But there's still traces of me
in your veins
All my lilies' mouths are open
Like they're begging for dope
And hoping
Their bitter petal chant,
"We can kick , you won't be back."
I'm a diamond that is tired
Of all the faces I've acquired
We must secure the shadow
Ere the substance fades
You drained my heart
And made a spade
But there's still traces of me
in your veins
You drained my heart
And made a spade
But there's still traces of me
in your veins
And we said 'til we die
And we said 'til we die
Marilyn Manson - Spade
Source: http://www.mansonusa.com/
Hellbound
Eminem - Hellbound
[Announcer]
Welcome back, to the stage of history
[Eminem]
Yo.. Slim Shady!
Yo.. {*words reversed*}
I'll puke, eat it, and freak you (eww)
Battle? I'm too weeded to speak to
The only key that I see to defeat you
would be for me to remove these two Adidas and beat you
and force feed you 'em both, and on each feet is a cleat shoe
I'll lift you off your feet so fast with a roundhouse
you'll think I pulled the fuckin ground out from underneath you
(Bitch!) I ain't no fuckin G, I'm a cannibal
I ain't tryin to shoot you,
I'm tryin to chop you into pieces and eat you
Wrap you in rope and plastic, stab you with broken glass
and have you with open gashes strapped to a soakin mattress
Coke and acid, black magic, cloaks and daggers (ahhh!)
Fuck the planet, until it spins on a broken axis
I'm so bananas I'm showin up to your open casket
to fill it full of explosive gasses
and close it back with a lit match in it
while I sit back and just hope it catches
Blow you to fragments
Laugh, roll you and smoke the ashes
Chorus: J-Black (repeat 2X)
I see the light at the end
But every time I take a step, it gets dim
Tell me is this hell we're livin in?
If so, heaven's got to be better
But if we're hellbound, whatever, let's go down
[J-Black]
Am I the worst? Because I, never go to church (never)
I run a red light then sideswipe a hearse
I'ma drink 'til my liver rot, see the doc
Leave the E.R., then hit a bar for a liquor shot, 'til the liverspot
One day we all gon' die
But when I die, I'ma be so high
that I'ma get up and walk, leavin the concrete bare
with the chalk outline still there
I smoke 'til I choke and I sex a lot
I got a cross on my chain but it's just a rock
Now if I pray everynight (night)
Do I still have to hold my trey very tight?
You feel me God? I done did so much shit while on Earth
I smoke, I drink, I curse, and to make matters worse
I bust my gun first, and then I chat with your corpse
Since way back, I was one to never like back-talk
See me at the pearly gates in line, wearin a Nordface
Nickle nine at my waist, God done lost faith
Angels greet me but I don't reply back
Just show me to my quarters, and oh yeah, where's Thai at?
Chorus 1/2
[Announcer]
Maxie was seriously wounded but the soul still burns
Final battle, fight!
[Masta Ace]
Analyze the strength of my game, like Lee Corso
Call me a lost soul, with a vest and my torso
And of course, yo, y'all know I'm no stranger to danger
Like Christ in a manger, feel a whole range of my anger
I breathe down shit so hard you can see sound
And beat down these rap clowns in like three rounds
My pen 'bout as sharp as a dagger, walk with a swagger
Tie your wife to the back of a black Jag and I drag her
Ten blocks, untie the bitch and I still bag her
Give her a smack in the ass and a six pack of lager
My shit go as deep and as dark as a train tunnel
My flows spill like usin the wrong end of a funnel
Everyday I grow more older, and more colder
Fly you to Colorado, roll you over with a Boulder
I know you want to retaliate but you won't dare
Cause you fuckin with some niggaz like this who just don't care
Chorus
[J-Black]
But every time I take a step, it gets dim..
Tell me is this hell we're livin in?
Haha..
[Announcer]
Time's up!
You lose!
Source: http://eminem.lyrics-songs.com/lyrics/12736/
I especially like the parts "One day we all gon' die, But when I die, I'ma be so high" and "Everyday I grow more older, and more colder". Kind of reminds me of myself. Alright, time to study. I just woke up :P.
[Announcer]
Welcome back, to the stage of history
[Eminem]
Yo.. Slim Shady!
Yo.. {*words reversed*}
I'll puke, eat it, and freak you (eww)
Battle? I'm too weeded to speak to
The only key that I see to defeat you
would be for me to remove these two Adidas and beat you
and force feed you 'em both, and on each feet is a cleat shoe
I'll lift you off your feet so fast with a roundhouse
you'll think I pulled the fuckin ground out from underneath you
(Bitch!) I ain't no fuckin G, I'm a cannibal
I ain't tryin to shoot you,
I'm tryin to chop you into pieces and eat you
Wrap you in rope and plastic, stab you with broken glass
and have you with open gashes strapped to a soakin mattress
Coke and acid, black magic, cloaks and daggers (ahhh!)
Fuck the planet, until it spins on a broken axis
I'm so bananas I'm showin up to your open casket
to fill it full of explosive gasses
and close it back with a lit match in it
while I sit back and just hope it catches
Blow you to fragments
Laugh, roll you and smoke the ashes
Chorus: J-Black (repeat 2X)
I see the light at the end
But every time I take a step, it gets dim
Tell me is this hell we're livin in?
If so, heaven's got to be better
But if we're hellbound, whatever, let's go down
[J-Black]
Am I the worst? Because I, never go to church (never)
I run a red light then sideswipe a hearse
I'ma drink 'til my liver rot, see the doc
Leave the E.R., then hit a bar for a liquor shot, 'til the liverspot
One day we all gon' die
But when I die, I'ma be so high
that I'ma get up and walk, leavin the concrete bare
with the chalk outline still there
I smoke 'til I choke and I sex a lot
I got a cross on my chain but it's just a rock
Now if I pray everynight (night)
Do I still have to hold my trey very tight?
You feel me God? I done did so much shit while on Earth
I smoke, I drink, I curse, and to make matters worse
I bust my gun first, and then I chat with your corpse
Since way back, I was one to never like back-talk
See me at the pearly gates in line, wearin a Nordface
Nickle nine at my waist, God done lost faith
Angels greet me but I don't reply back
Just show me to my quarters, and oh yeah, where's Thai at?
Chorus 1/2
[Announcer]
Maxie was seriously wounded but the soul still burns
Final battle, fight!
[Masta Ace]
Analyze the strength of my game, like Lee Corso
Call me a lost soul, with a vest and my torso
And of course, yo, y'all know I'm no stranger to danger
Like Christ in a manger, feel a whole range of my anger
I breathe down shit so hard you can see sound
And beat down these rap clowns in like three rounds
My pen 'bout as sharp as a dagger, walk with a swagger
Tie your wife to the back of a black Jag and I drag her
Ten blocks, untie the bitch and I still bag her
Give her a smack in the ass and a six pack of lager
My shit go as deep and as dark as a train tunnel
My flows spill like usin the wrong end of a funnel
Everyday I grow more older, and more colder
Fly you to Colorado, roll you over with a Boulder
I know you want to retaliate but you won't dare
Cause you fuckin with some niggaz like this who just don't care
Chorus
[J-Black]
But every time I take a step, it gets dim..
Tell me is this hell we're livin in?
Haha..
[Announcer]
Time's up!
You lose!
Source: http://eminem.lyrics-songs.com/lyrics/12736/
I especially like the parts "One day we all gon' die, But when I die, I'ma be so high" and "Everyday I grow more older, and more colder". Kind of reminds me of myself. Alright, time to study. I just woke up :P.
20041006
2 Papers To Go
Today's PCOMSYS was alright, hopefully I can do well. Good luck to all of you! =] Anyway, I walked home from TP just now. Yay. Alright, got to sleep soon. Waking up in 2 hours or so to study for MAP =\. Untouched. Damn. Bye take care!
=\
My image host and stuff seems to be down right now :(. Sorry about it.
Anyway, the ELNDES paper was alright... but the EMATH3 paper was a killer. I should be able to pass it though, hopefully... :(. Most of my friends were demoralised after that paper, so we all went to play Outrun 2 together. Haha. I really hope they pass it too ^_^. All the best! Anyway, PCOMSYS' at 2pm later, and I haven't even started. Just woke up around an hour ago. Sigh... Another late night :(. Hope Dian finds his 3D Studio Max too =\. Sorry can't really help you this time round... :(.
Argh. Just want to get over the examinations as soon as possible... Alright, I got to go now, take care people. All the best :).
Anyway, the ELNDES paper was alright... but the EMATH3 paper was a killer. I should be able to pass it though, hopefully... :(. Most of my friends were demoralised after that paper, so we all went to play Outrun 2 together. Haha. I really hope they pass it too ^_^. All the best! Anyway, PCOMSYS' at 2pm later, and I haven't even started. Just woke up around an hour ago. Sigh... Another late night :(. Hope Dian finds his 3D Studio Max too =\. Sorry can't really help you this time round... :(.
Argh. Just want to get over the examinations as soon as possible... Alright, I got to go now, take care people. All the best :).
20041005
Random Stuff
I wrote the following while taking a break from studying. Sorry if it sucks.
In Pain, For You
It burns right through my heart
But I keep on smiling, keep on faking
So you won't find anything amiss
All of this pain, just for you
But you don't realise a thing
And I go on lying, go on denying
So you won't find anything awkard
All this facade, just so we can be friends
When I finally try to be honest
And I tell you the truth, my feelings
So you can finally understand everything
You laugh it away, just like a joke
So I go on smiling, go on faking
Keep on lying, keep on denying
So you can go on laughing
Please continue smiling...
In pain... For you.
Smiling, For You
Thus you went on smiling, went on laughing
And I'm really happy for you, I really am
But you don't even care, don't even realise
How much you mean to me, how much I care
The next thing I know, you got attached
To someone I can't even hold a candle to
And you still don't care, still don't realise
How much I cared for you, how much you meant
But I tell myself it's all worth it
Everything's worth it if I can see you smile
So I started smiling, stopped worrying
For you're now with the man of your dreams
And I know that your smile isn't for me
But do you know as I smiled, I cried
Deep in my heart, the burning continues
It'll never end, as long as I love you
Smiling... For you.
Crying, For You
Or so I thought, but then he left you
You were heartbroken, devastated
And all I could do was give you my shoulder
Watched you cry, collect your tears
You're but an empty shell now
A shadow of your former self
And I can't do anything at all
Nothing will ever bring you back
You wander around day and night
Hoping you'll find the light
But you've already lost your sight
For love is blind, am I not right?
And I still can't be with you
Nor the shadow of your former self
And I can't bring you back anymore
I'm just like you, seeking the light
...
In Pain, For You
It burns right through my heart
But I keep on smiling, keep on faking
So you won't find anything amiss
All of this pain, just for you
But you don't realise a thing
And I go on lying, go on denying
So you won't find anything awkard
All this facade, just so we can be friends
When I finally try to be honest
And I tell you the truth, my feelings
So you can finally understand everything
You laugh it away, just like a joke
So I go on smiling, go on faking
Keep on lying, keep on denying
So you can go on laughing
Please continue smiling...
In pain... For you.
Smiling, For You
Thus you went on smiling, went on laughing
And I'm really happy for you, I really am
But you don't even care, don't even realise
How much you mean to me, how much I care
The next thing I know, you got attached
To someone I can't even hold a candle to
And you still don't care, still don't realise
How much I cared for you, how much you meant
But I tell myself it's all worth it
Everything's worth it if I can see you smile
So I started smiling, stopped worrying
For you're now with the man of your dreams
And I know that your smile isn't for me
But do you know as I smiled, I cried
Deep in my heart, the burning continues
It'll never end, as long as I love you
Smiling... For you.
Crying, For You
Or so I thought, but then he left you
You were heartbroken, devastated
And all I could do was give you my shoulder
Watched you cry, collect your tears
You're but an empty shell now
A shadow of your former self
And I can't do anything at all
Nothing will ever bring you back
You wander around day and night
Hoping you'll find the light
But you've already lost your sight
For love is blind, am I not right?
And I still can't be with you
Nor the shadow of your former self
And I can't bring you back anymore
I'm just like you, seeking the light
...
Screwed
Damn it. My Math is now at 95% status, with a little bit of Chapter 5 left, and Chapter 6. I'm not touching Chapter 7, since it'll probably come out only in Section C, where we can choose which questions we want to do. But the f*cking thing is I haven't even started on ELNDES. Haven't started at all. And my paper's at 9am, and it's close to 1.30am now. Hooray for me. Damn it. My heart is always messing up my mind. Argh. I'm going to study now. REALLY study. I need luck, lots of it man. Seriously.
20041004
Helpful Lady
Alright, today I managed to study most of Math. Should be aronud 90% already. ELNDES is still untouched though. Planning to sleep around 4 or 5am today. After studying just now, we went to eat, and Rayhan, Andrew and me went on to play Outrun 2. We played 3 rounds, or was it 4? Anyway it was fun :). By the way...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAYHAN.
Anyway, I took the MRT home, instead of the usual bus number 38 because I wanted to get home asap... Ended up I reached home later :P. But it was for a good cause though. Hehe. This small little boy ran into the MRT without his mother, and the door closed before his mother could get in. Anyway, I was quite unhelpful too... I didn't even approach him or anything, and by the time I stood up, an auntie had already got to him. She was a really kind lady. Anyway, I only helped when she and the small kid got down at Simei... I told her I live in Simei, and that she can go back onto the MRT, while I accompany that small boy. Anyway, the door closed before she could go back in. Long story short, that small boy was brave, he didn't even cry :). And that auntie was really kind-hearted... :). And I'm a bastard because I had trouble trying to help... The MRT uncle who's usually at the control station was really helpful too. Anyway, good to see them reunited ^_^. Alright, got to study in a while. Take care people.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAYHAN.
Anyway, I took the MRT home, instead of the usual bus number 38 because I wanted to get home asap... Ended up I reached home later :P. But it was for a good cause though. Hehe. This small little boy ran into the MRT without his mother, and the door closed before his mother could get in. Anyway, I was quite unhelpful too... I didn't even approach him or anything, and by the time I stood up, an auntie had already got to him. She was a really kind lady. Anyway, I only helped when she and the small kid got down at Simei... I told her I live in Simei, and that she can go back onto the MRT, while I accompany that small boy. Anyway, the door closed before she could go back in. Long story short, that small boy was brave, he didn't even cry :). And that auntie was really kind-hearted... :). And I'm a bastard because I had trouble trying to help... The MRT uncle who's usually at the control station was really helpful too. Anyway, good to see them reunited ^_^. Alright, got to study in a while. Take care people.
... Regarding The Post Below
It was written by me a long time ago, and parts of it are fictional too, after some editing. I don't know anyone called Alice, neither do I know a Tom. It doesn't even reflect what I'm feeling currently. That's all. Bye, going to school now. Take care, have a nice day :).
Day of Breakup
Just some stupid stuff...
Dear Diary,
Right now I'm sitting here waiting for my girlfriend to call. We might be breaking up soon. I don't know what happened at all. I just found out, while surfing Friendster, that for the past few weeks, my girlfriend has been in contact with one of her ex-tuition friends, Tom. I was shocked when I saw the testimonials they wrote for each other. I want to bring myself to hate them, but I can't. Alice has always been a good girl to me, a good girlfriend, the best I've ever seen. Almost... Like a fairy tale. She just called and told me her decision is to break up. I don't know what to do right now. She said she'll explain everything to me later, her mother's around right now. I found out about this Tom just 3 hours ago. Now we're on the verge of breaking up. She says she still loves me, but she also likes Tom. She's not sure if her feelings for me are as strong as last time. Sometimes, maybe ignorance is bliss.
She's a wonderful girl, I really don't know what I can do without her. When I was hurt by another girl in the past, she was the one that stood by me, as a friend, supported me, and brought me back up. I have never been a good boyfriend to her, always throwing my temper at her. However, I really have been trying to change for the past few months. Is it too late?
I always thought of my friends making a big fuss out of nothing when they broke up with their girlfriends. I've seen some of them change, from good to bad, bad to worse. Others lock themselves up permanently, while some keep on whining and hating that girl. I always thought of them as weak, as incapable of standing alone. Only now do I know how wrong I was. As I type this, I'm trembling. I'm scared. Scared of facing everything right now. Please, dear diary, please pray for me that I'll still be with her.
- October 03, 2004
Dear Diary,
If she really loves me, why did she have to ask him to tell her he hates her? How can she forget to sms me right after that?
I got to meet her yesterday, and by that time she's very sure that she still wants to be with me. Initially I thought, "If she still wants to be together, we'll surely be together, and I'll be able to let go of all this pain." However, what really happened, isn't even close to this. I still want to be with her. In my mind, she's still the sweet girl I believe she is, always smiling. However, am I fooling myself? Is this... The truth? What is the truth? The truth is whatever I believe in, right? So even if she's not the girl she was, due to my own ignorance, she'll still be. I'm scared. What if I'm wrong?
To be honest, after yesterday, I realised a lot of things. She doesn't really seem to be affected. I want to believe, that deep down inside, she's crying. She has always been like this, always hiding her sadness, trying to smile. But Shuxy, do you know how much it hurts? It hurts like hell because I don't know what's really on her mind. It hurts like hell because I'm afraid what I believe in might be wrong. What if, it really doesn't affect her? What should I do? I can smile right now, but what I'm really feeling right now is fear, uncertainty, and doubt. I don't doubt her, I doubt my judgement. I can't afford to doubt her and let go of her. After all, she was the one that supported me when I was having one of the worst times of my life.
I just talked to her on the phone just now, around 9.15am. It's 10.20am right now. I really don't know what to say, how to go on. I only know that I still want to be with her. I sound like a real weakling, don't I? I don't understand this myself. Many a times, I have let go of unneeded people, "friends". But when it comes to Alice, I can't even imagine a day without her. Is this what they call love? Anyway, as I was saying, we talked through quite a lot of things just now, and things seem to be going smoothly. I also asked her if she's sure she's not denying her feelings for the other guy. She said no. However, she went on to say she'll answer me after she goes cycling with her sister. I don't know if I was denying myself, but I lied to myself, that she'll be answering the rest of the questions, and not THIS question. I even told her something like, "You still not sure of your feelings, or?" Before she could answer, I already told her, "You're answering the rest of the questions right? You're already sure that you don't like him right?" She said yes, but if you were me, will you really believe it? When I talk to her, I try my best to smile, but deep down inside... Am I really smiling? I don't know. It's been a long time since I've been this shattered. Even now I don't know what to say to you. Maybe I lost myself a long time ago, maybe my heart died, and it's becoming alive only now. Is this world... Really a domain of pain?
She just called, it's 10.29am here. She's leaving house soon, to go to East Coast Park and cycle with her sister. Deep inside me, I really wonder, if she really... Still cares. Does she seriously have the mood to go cycling after all that's happened? Has she really shut herself so deep inside, that she doesn't know what she wants anymore? Or maybe it really doesn't affect her. I don't know. I don't know the answer. Anyway, before I started typing this whole chunk of thoughts, I went to Friendster again. I saw the testimonials she wrote for him, and those he wrote for her. Even her testimonial for me isn't 1/2 as long as the one she wrote for him. It hurts. I know I sound petty, and weak, but it hurts like hell. It was the hurt that lead me to write this entry.
Back to yesterday, when I first found out on how she's been "cheating" on me. I lost my temper at her numerous times. I cried for the first time in god knows how long. I've only cried when it comes to my parents before. Back then, even when Katey treated me that way, I didn't cry. But when my parents divorced, I broke down. It sounds so dumb right now. Someone soon to be 18, complaining about crying. I know, no matter how strong or how cold I look, deep inside I'm just looking for a place to belong. I'm thinking right now, maybe I should send her this file, and let her read for herself. It might sound stupid, like I'm scheming some plan, but I'm not. I just don't know how to tell her all these. That's why you exist, dear diary. I used to write diaries when I was younger, but I lost all of them. I wish I still have them, maybe it'll make me remember how I was in the past. The only "diary" I still have is another one I wrote during my secondary school years. When I read it now, I feel like laughing at my foolish old self. Haha. I wonder if she's stumbled across it on my computer before. Right now I'm so numb, so dead. What am I supposed to feel? I don't know. Maybe death is really an option. If I have the guts to jump off the 12th floor or something, I'd probably have done it a long time ago. Right now I'm thinking of writing a poem. Let's try...
This pain inside, with you beside
what am I to do? What am I to feel?
I don't know how to write on. Maybe I'll continue it later. Sometimes I think I died a long time ago. I feel so fake sometimes. Like an empty shell without a heart, without a soul. Maybe I really should just fill myself up with hate. Maybe... When I die, will my friends and family, and her, remember me for all the things I've done? I don't know if there's a hell. Because right now, I think, this pain belongs to hell. This pain that's caused, not just by her, but accumulated throughout the years, by the people around me, by the people I hate and love.
I just thought of something to write. Something I can't tell anyone but her, and you. Or any other non-living thing. When I first got to know Alice, she was a good girl. Nice girl. I was afraid of her changing, so I restricted her. I didn't like it when she goes out with her friends, when she talks to other guys. However, somehow, I ended up becoming the one I feared. The one who changed her. She became scared of me. Scared of me losing my temper, scared of us quarrelling. But do you know, sometimes I really wonder? When she closes her eyes and think of me, what... does she see? My smiling face? Or my face filled with anger. I really wonder. But dear diary, what's worse was that I was the one that sparked the sexual desires in her. I've talked to her a lot of times, apologizing each time, but she always says, "It's not your fault. I also wanted to do those stuffs." But she doesn't realise, if I didn't spark them, she wouldn't have them. I corrupted her. Maybe, this pain right now, is the retribution I deserve. No, maybe it's not enough to make up for it. I probably deserve more. More hurt and pain.
I think I'll stop here for now. I don't know what else to write already.
-October 03, 2004, 10.46am
Dear Diary,
Here I am again. I just called her. She's taking a rest from cycling with her younger brother right now. I'm wondering why she didn't sms me while resting. Am I even on her mind? I know I'm selfish, but she used to do that? Can you understand? She even said not to call her too often, because of her handphone bills. I really wonder. During the time she sms-ed Tom, why did she not care about her handphone bills? Diary, please tell me what to do. Sigh. Is everything... Really over? I can't share this pain with anyone. My parents, they'll surely say break up. Or something not encouraging. My friends, I wonder if I have any. Those people I regard as friends are always gone when I need them the most. Haha. Alone. I don't know what to say now. Anyway, I sent you to her just now, with the first two entries. I think this is the easiest way I can let her know what I really feel. Maybe I'll abandon my feelings soon, is it possible? Is it possible for a human to throw away happiness, sadness, and everything else? What will I become? Can I really forget the person I care about the most? Sometimes I wish I can. Then again, wishes never come true. Back then, when I wished and prayed every night for my parents not to divorce, it didn't come true. This time round, it won't come true again. Just now I suddenly thought of the song "Cruel" by Human Nature. It really hurts to even listen to this song.
Did you know that I was so afraid of losing her a few days before I found out all this shit? I was afraid I can't meet her anymore, once school starts. I also played a song she liked repeatedly, for one whole day, even while I'm sleeping. It's "I Wanna Be with You" by Jill Hsu. To be honest, I didn't really listen to it when I first downloaded it. But what's the use? Before I went on Friendster that night, I even tried to download two BoA videos for her. Till now, it's still stuck at 0%. Will... My relationship with Alice be stuck like this too? Diary, I really feel like shouting out. I don't know. I think I understand now, why some people are playboys and playgirls. Maybe it's more fun that way. But what's the point of playing around? I know this isn't what I really want.
What do I really feel? I can laugh, smile, and joke all the time. But to be honest, I really don't feel happiness most of the time. Maybe this is what they call fate. I think I'm fated to carry on living with sadness all the time. When Alice first came into my life, well, that was really nice. Happiness... Is a good feeling. When you smile you actually do it without realising. Maybe for that very reason, I started showing my temper to Alice. Because I can't put on a facade when it's her. Sometimes I think I still do, but most of the time, I'm defenseless when it comes to her. Haha.
Dear Diary, she just sms-ed me. She's leaving East Coast Park now and going to McDonald's to eat. I asked if she cared about her handphone bills when it was Tom. She said she did. She also said that her dad told her that her handphone will be confiscated if her phone bills are too much again. She said it happened a few days ago. Why wasn't I told...? Tell me how I can believe that? I don't want to hurt her, but I have to know the answers, right?
-October 03, 2004, 3.47pm
Dear Diary,
I'm back. She told me not to reply just now, and I asked her why. She didn't reply, until I asked "You there?". She replied saying she's scared we will quarrel. Diary, am I such a monster? Is it really over now...?
-October 03, 2004, 3.51pm
End.
Dear Diary,
Right now I'm sitting here waiting for my girlfriend to call. We might be breaking up soon. I don't know what happened at all. I just found out, while surfing Friendster, that for the past few weeks, my girlfriend has been in contact with one of her ex-tuition friends, Tom. I was shocked when I saw the testimonials they wrote for each other. I want to bring myself to hate them, but I can't. Alice has always been a good girl to me, a good girlfriend, the best I've ever seen. Almost... Like a fairy tale. She just called and told me her decision is to break up. I don't know what to do right now. She said she'll explain everything to me later, her mother's around right now. I found out about this Tom just 3 hours ago. Now we're on the verge of breaking up. She says she still loves me, but she also likes Tom. She's not sure if her feelings for me are as strong as last time. Sometimes, maybe ignorance is bliss.
She's a wonderful girl, I really don't know what I can do without her. When I was hurt by another girl in the past, she was the one that stood by me, as a friend, supported me, and brought me back up. I have never been a good boyfriend to her, always throwing my temper at her. However, I really have been trying to change for the past few months. Is it too late?
I always thought of my friends making a big fuss out of nothing when they broke up with their girlfriends. I've seen some of them change, from good to bad, bad to worse. Others lock themselves up permanently, while some keep on whining and hating that girl. I always thought of them as weak, as incapable of standing alone. Only now do I know how wrong I was. As I type this, I'm trembling. I'm scared. Scared of facing everything right now. Please, dear diary, please pray for me that I'll still be with her.
- October 03, 2004
Dear Diary,
If she really loves me, why did she have to ask him to tell her he hates her? How can she forget to sms me right after that?
I got to meet her yesterday, and by that time she's very sure that she still wants to be with me. Initially I thought, "If she still wants to be together, we'll surely be together, and I'll be able to let go of all this pain." However, what really happened, isn't even close to this. I still want to be with her. In my mind, she's still the sweet girl I believe she is, always smiling. However, am I fooling myself? Is this... The truth? What is the truth? The truth is whatever I believe in, right? So even if she's not the girl she was, due to my own ignorance, she'll still be. I'm scared. What if I'm wrong?
To be honest, after yesterday, I realised a lot of things. She doesn't really seem to be affected. I want to believe, that deep down inside, she's crying. She has always been like this, always hiding her sadness, trying to smile. But Shuxy, do you know how much it hurts? It hurts like hell because I don't know what's really on her mind. It hurts like hell because I'm afraid what I believe in might be wrong. What if, it really doesn't affect her? What should I do? I can smile right now, but what I'm really feeling right now is fear, uncertainty, and doubt. I don't doubt her, I doubt my judgement. I can't afford to doubt her and let go of her. After all, she was the one that supported me when I was having one of the worst times of my life.
I just talked to her on the phone just now, around 9.15am. It's 10.20am right now. I really don't know what to say, how to go on. I only know that I still want to be with her. I sound like a real weakling, don't I? I don't understand this myself. Many a times, I have let go of unneeded people, "friends". But when it comes to Alice, I can't even imagine a day without her. Is this what they call love? Anyway, as I was saying, we talked through quite a lot of things just now, and things seem to be going smoothly. I also asked her if she's sure she's not denying her feelings for the other guy. She said no. However, she went on to say she'll answer me after she goes cycling with her sister. I don't know if I was denying myself, but I lied to myself, that she'll be answering the rest of the questions, and not THIS question. I even told her something like, "You still not sure of your feelings, or?" Before she could answer, I already told her, "You're answering the rest of the questions right? You're already sure that you don't like him right?" She said yes, but if you were me, will you really believe it? When I talk to her, I try my best to smile, but deep down inside... Am I really smiling? I don't know. It's been a long time since I've been this shattered. Even now I don't know what to say to you. Maybe I lost myself a long time ago, maybe my heart died, and it's becoming alive only now. Is this world... Really a domain of pain?
She just called, it's 10.29am here. She's leaving house soon, to go to East Coast Park and cycle with her sister. Deep inside me, I really wonder, if she really... Still cares. Does she seriously have the mood to go cycling after all that's happened? Has she really shut herself so deep inside, that she doesn't know what she wants anymore? Or maybe it really doesn't affect her. I don't know. I don't know the answer. Anyway, before I started typing this whole chunk of thoughts, I went to Friendster again. I saw the testimonials she wrote for him, and those he wrote for her. Even her testimonial for me isn't 1/2 as long as the one she wrote for him. It hurts. I know I sound petty, and weak, but it hurts like hell. It was the hurt that lead me to write this entry.
Back to yesterday, when I first found out on how she's been "cheating" on me. I lost my temper at her numerous times. I cried for the first time in god knows how long. I've only cried when it comes to my parents before. Back then, even when Katey treated me that way, I didn't cry. But when my parents divorced, I broke down. It sounds so dumb right now. Someone soon to be 18, complaining about crying. I know, no matter how strong or how cold I look, deep inside I'm just looking for a place to belong. I'm thinking right now, maybe I should send her this file, and let her read for herself. It might sound stupid, like I'm scheming some plan, but I'm not. I just don't know how to tell her all these. That's why you exist, dear diary. I used to write diaries when I was younger, but I lost all of them. I wish I still have them, maybe it'll make me remember how I was in the past. The only "diary" I still have is another one I wrote during my secondary school years. When I read it now, I feel like laughing at my foolish old self. Haha. I wonder if she's stumbled across it on my computer before. Right now I'm so numb, so dead. What am I supposed to feel? I don't know. Maybe death is really an option. If I have the guts to jump off the 12th floor or something, I'd probably have done it a long time ago. Right now I'm thinking of writing a poem. Let's try...
This pain inside, with you beside
what am I to do? What am I to feel?
I don't know how to write on. Maybe I'll continue it later. Sometimes I think I died a long time ago. I feel so fake sometimes. Like an empty shell without a heart, without a soul. Maybe I really should just fill myself up with hate. Maybe... When I die, will my friends and family, and her, remember me for all the things I've done? I don't know if there's a hell. Because right now, I think, this pain belongs to hell. This pain that's caused, not just by her, but accumulated throughout the years, by the people around me, by the people I hate and love.
I just thought of something to write. Something I can't tell anyone but her, and you. Or any other non-living thing. When I first got to know Alice, she was a good girl. Nice girl. I was afraid of her changing, so I restricted her. I didn't like it when she goes out with her friends, when she talks to other guys. However, somehow, I ended up becoming the one I feared. The one who changed her. She became scared of me. Scared of me losing my temper, scared of us quarrelling. But do you know, sometimes I really wonder? When she closes her eyes and think of me, what... does she see? My smiling face? Or my face filled with anger. I really wonder. But dear diary, what's worse was that I was the one that sparked the sexual desires in her. I've talked to her a lot of times, apologizing each time, but she always says, "It's not your fault. I also wanted to do those stuffs." But she doesn't realise, if I didn't spark them, she wouldn't have them. I corrupted her. Maybe, this pain right now, is the retribution I deserve. No, maybe it's not enough to make up for it. I probably deserve more. More hurt and pain.
I think I'll stop here for now. I don't know what else to write already.
-October 03, 2004, 10.46am
Dear Diary,
Here I am again. I just called her. She's taking a rest from cycling with her younger brother right now. I'm wondering why she didn't sms me while resting. Am I even on her mind? I know I'm selfish, but she used to do that? Can you understand? She even said not to call her too often, because of her handphone bills. I really wonder. During the time she sms-ed Tom, why did she not care about her handphone bills? Diary, please tell me what to do. Sigh. Is everything... Really over? I can't share this pain with anyone. My parents, they'll surely say break up. Or something not encouraging. My friends, I wonder if I have any. Those people I regard as friends are always gone when I need them the most. Haha. Alone. I don't know what to say now. Anyway, I sent you to her just now, with the first two entries. I think this is the easiest way I can let her know what I really feel. Maybe I'll abandon my feelings soon, is it possible? Is it possible for a human to throw away happiness, sadness, and everything else? What will I become? Can I really forget the person I care about the most? Sometimes I wish I can. Then again, wishes never come true. Back then, when I wished and prayed every night for my parents not to divorce, it didn't come true. This time round, it won't come true again. Just now I suddenly thought of the song "Cruel" by Human Nature. It really hurts to even listen to this song.
Did you know that I was so afraid of losing her a few days before I found out all this shit? I was afraid I can't meet her anymore, once school starts. I also played a song she liked repeatedly, for one whole day, even while I'm sleeping. It's "I Wanna Be with You" by Jill Hsu. To be honest, I didn't really listen to it when I first downloaded it. But what's the use? Before I went on Friendster that night, I even tried to download two BoA videos for her. Till now, it's still stuck at 0%. Will... My relationship with Alice be stuck like this too? Diary, I really feel like shouting out. I don't know. I think I understand now, why some people are playboys and playgirls. Maybe it's more fun that way. But what's the point of playing around? I know this isn't what I really want.
What do I really feel? I can laugh, smile, and joke all the time. But to be honest, I really don't feel happiness most of the time. Maybe this is what they call fate. I think I'm fated to carry on living with sadness all the time. When Alice first came into my life, well, that was really nice. Happiness... Is a good feeling. When you smile you actually do it without realising. Maybe for that very reason, I started showing my temper to Alice. Because I can't put on a facade when it's her. Sometimes I think I still do, but most of the time, I'm defenseless when it comes to her. Haha.
Dear Diary, she just sms-ed me. She's leaving East Coast Park now and going to McDonald's to eat. I asked if she cared about her handphone bills when it was Tom. She said she did. She also said that her dad told her that her handphone will be confiscated if her phone bills are too much again. She said it happened a few days ago. Why wasn't I told...? Tell me how I can believe that? I don't want to hurt her, but I have to know the answers, right?
-October 03, 2004, 3.47pm
Dear Diary,
I'm back. She told me not to reply just now, and I asked her why. She didn't reply, until I asked "You there?". She replied saying she's scared we will quarrel. Diary, am I such a monster? Is it really over now...?
-October 03, 2004, 3.51pm
End.
20041003
-
Woke up around 1pm today, and reached school somewhere around 3pm. Kelvin came along, and Andrew, Rayhan, and Gregory were all there by the time we reached. Didn't really study. Just can't. Managed to understand most of Chapter 5, but I'm too lazy to practice anything at all. Did like 3 questions and gave up doing the rest.
I'm seriously a failure in life. Complete lack of looks and character.
Sleep is so much better, with the exception of nightmares. Even if I've sweet dreams of being with people I shouldn't be thinking of or anything, it feels so peaceful, at least, in the dream. Of course, when you wake up, the ache is there, but who gives a damn? Most of us are already in pain everyday, a little more doesn't matter. Anyway, I'm going to school tomorrow again, to finish up Math, and start on ELNDES. I'm having both of them on Tuesday, and I haven't even touched ELNDES. Good luck to me man. I'll need lots of it.
Just someone to care for and love...
I'm going to be throwing away my life if I go on this way... Sigh. Damn it I NEED the DL no matter what... Otherwise I've no idea what the hell I'm living for. No idea at all. A simple dream that wouldn't come true.
I'm seriously a failure in life. Complete lack of looks and character.
Sleep is so much better, with the exception of nightmares. Even if I've sweet dreams of being with people I shouldn't be thinking of or anything, it feels so peaceful, at least, in the dream. Of course, when you wake up, the ache is there, but who gives a damn? Most of us are already in pain everyday, a little more doesn't matter. Anyway, I'm going to school tomorrow again, to finish up Math, and start on ELNDES. I'm having both of them on Tuesday, and I haven't even touched ELNDES. Good luck to me man. I'll need lots of it.
Just someone to care for and love...
I'm going to be throwing away my life if I go on this way... Sigh. Damn it I NEED the DL no matter what... Otherwise I've no idea what the hell I'm living for. No idea at all. A simple dream that wouldn't come true.
Sar Tur They
It was a rather productive day, considering I managed to finished up most of Chapter 4. Anyway, had some fun in the library as well. Hmm... Kelvin came my house around 11.30pm or so, and we talked and stuff, and worked out, and we're either going to sleep, or study later. Probably sleep, and wake up earlier tomorrow to study. It depends... :). Life isn't exactly being good to both of us right now. Fuck. Why are all my friends in shit trouble...? Kelvin, Joven... The CENT people... Etc. Sigh...
Tonight I celebrate alone...
I think I had a dream yesterday, and in that dream I wrote a poem about a girl who didn't get any respect from her boyfriend. I can't remember what were the exact words, but I am pretty sure it was a rather nice poem... Something like...
Just once more...
You never really did respect me
All you ever wanted was my body
Gave you oral...
But some things aren't meant to be...
I can't remember. Damn it. Anyway, I've no idea why I have such a dream... But the girl in my dream was clearly suffering though :(. I don't know what the hell I'm living for anymore... I should think about it after the examinations. Probably...
Maybe I should walk a path of darkness...
Currently listening to Hotel California reversed with Kelvin. Lol... Interesting, yet freaky. Anyway, try pronouncing your name in the reversed way, record it. And reverse it and play. For example...
Why should I even care?
Kelvin will become Nivlek. So you say "Nivlek", record it, and then using sound recorder or something, reverse and play it. It'll play back Kelvin... Weird. I didn't know this till Rayhan told me. Guess I'm an idiot :(. Lol.
I hate my heart... Useless and weak.
Alright, I guess I got to go... This life is meaningless.
Tonight I celebrate alone...
I think I had a dream yesterday, and in that dream I wrote a poem about a girl who didn't get any respect from her boyfriend. I can't remember what were the exact words, but I am pretty sure it was a rather nice poem... Something like...
Just once more...
You never really did respect me
All you ever wanted was my body
Gave you oral...
But some things aren't meant to be...
I can't remember. Damn it. Anyway, I've no idea why I have such a dream... But the girl in my dream was clearly suffering though :(. I don't know what the hell I'm living for anymore... I should think about it after the examinations. Probably...
Maybe I should walk a path of darkness...
Currently listening to Hotel California reversed with Kelvin. Lol... Interesting, yet freaky. Anyway, try pronouncing your name in the reversed way, record it. And reverse it and play. For example...
Why should I even care?
Kelvin will become Nivlek. So you say "Nivlek", record it, and then using sound recorder or something, reverse and play it. It'll play back Kelvin... Weird. I didn't know this till Rayhan told me. Guess I'm an idiot :(. Lol.
I hate my heart... Useless and weak.
Alright, I guess I got to go... This life is meaningless.
20041002
New Music
As you can hear for yourself, I've changed the music. The start/stop music flash also fits in more with the site now :). Hope you like it :). Anyway, it's "Es Dur No Piano Sen" by Yoshiki, if I'm not wrong :).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)