Tired!!! Is An Oxymoron

Every now and then you get really tired, and wonder what's the point of living. No, actually I'm just joking, I'm just really tired and want to sleep =P. There's so much to live for in life! Despite the hectic school life, there's always things to look forward to. My recent falls (sort of) have reminded me once again, that there's always something to be happy about. Of course, the things that are bothering you will still be lingering somewhere in your mind, but hey, try to find the light in the darkness =)!

Sometimes I think I actually have a good time making fun of others, all in the name of fun, of course. I'm damn sure I'm being made some of as well, well even if I'm not I don't care. The world doesn't revolve around me, or you. It revolves around love baby! Lol. Or money, or whatever. Anyway, here's some interesting shit that happened this week (yes, it's only Wednesday):

Eugene was trying to study in a quiet corner in school. He was, as usual, trying hard to study, and with him was Ben, and both of them were studying hard for coming paper. Beside Eugene was Yong, who was trying to complete his latest assignment. Deciding to take a break from his studies, Eugene went to help Yong with his programming (which he enjoyed). This is a dramatic story. Opposite Eugene was Lisa, who kept looking on as Eugene was helping Yong. That kind of "I-need-help" look, you know. Now, Eugene doesn't help people who don't help themselves, especially when they blatantly act like they deserve help because they are damsels in distress.

Thus, Eugene told Lisa nicely to put in some effort first before asking for help. At the same time, Eugene managed to help Yong finish his assignment. Following that, Eugene went back to his studies with Ben. Anyway, they had some chit-chat in which Eugene said the words "F you" to Ben jokingly. Now comes the dramatic part: Lisa suddenly looked at Eugene, shouted "What? You want to F me is it?" for no apparent reason at all. Eugene was clueless as to what just happened, and so replied "Huh?" Of course, Lisa, who was full of confidence, said that Eugene had been staring had her. Well, what can Eugene say?

Thus, Eugene decided not to argue with "damsel-in-distress" Lisa, and just kept quiet about it. Surprisingly, Lisa still had the cheek to ask Eugene for help afterwards. Of course, Eugene just smiled, and said nothing. Moral of the story?

Eugene's an idiot for not saying anything, and Lisa's shameless. She's probably just unhappy that Eugene didn't help her.

After hearing his story, I told Eugene that his peace-loving nature is not going to work out all the time. Being a peace-loving person myself, I've come to realise that most of the time I avoid conflicts because I think it's simply a waste of time, since most people don't handle it well anyway. With that being said, I always believe that conflict is sometimes necessary for progress.

Anyway, there's a lot of things that've happened this week that are truly amusing, but most of them are quite geek-related. Lol. Here's one of them... I was reading some forums and some guy posted that he knows he's being cheated on by his wife. I know it's quite sad to read this kind of things, but then someone came in and replied "Uninstall her." I can't help but chuckle to myself after that.

Lastly, made some changes to my desktop (Winamp controls, coloured To-Do):

I might post a tutorial on how I did some of the things, but for basically, Samurize rocks =).

Latest Laptop's Desktop Screenshot

Update 1:

Finally I managed to design a clock I like! Check it out!

Today's a good rest day as I my last mid-term's today! Anyway, I just hope I can do well, don't want to think about it. Here's the latest update to my desktop (on my laptop). =P

A little-known fact, I like gothic-style dressing ^^.

Currently listening to: Eminem - Hellbound

Anyway, for those of you interested, the things displayed on the desktop are all done using Samurize. It's pretty amazing, although it hasn't been updated for a while. I used to use it, stopped, and am now back to it. Together with Launchy, I can get access to all my stuff rather easily, yet maintaining a clean desktop =).

Application: Samurize
Samurize Plugins Used:

• ProcessInfo
• Weather 2004
• Simple Calendar
  

Laptop's Desktop =P

Update:

Changed the theme.

Theme: SlanXP 2.0

Currently listening to: Electrico - Shadow

Applications: Launchy

Wallpaper

Theme: Whistler Schnapps (As Per Previous Post, Just A Different Colour Scheme)

By the way, I'll be having my last mid-term paper tomorrow! =)

Desktop Screenshot

Update:

After studying for the past few hours I've decided to rest and update my desktop a little more. It currently looks like this:

Just added a Calendar. Lol =P. Anyway, just some more useful software for you all:

Taskbar Shuffle - Allows your to re-order your taskbar buttons (similar to how you re-arrange your tabs in Firefox).

Neoshooter - Old, but good and free screenshot capturing application (I used it for both this and the earlier screenshot).

Old Post:

I've decided that I'll start posting more geeky/techie stuff on this blog from now on, since I usually talk to my friends about it anyway (especially Mac, lol). Anyway, here's my desktop (I just did a clean install recently) screenshot, with Samurize (haven't touched it for ages). Still deciding whether to patch the icons with the Tango Superpatcher or not... Haha.

Theme: Whistler Schnapps
Wallpaper: Love Juice

Currently listening to: Alesana - Endings Without Stories

Test Post Using Windows Live Writer + Gintoki (Gintama) Drawing By My Sister

This is just a test =). By the way, my sister drew the following and emailed it to me ^^. Heh =).

 

Currently listening to: Armor For Sleep - End Of The World

3 papers to go, wish me good luck!

1 . CS1102
2. LSM1302
3. CS2106

Bah =(.

It Gets Dim

This facade will not last forever.

This again, reminds me of why I simply don't fit into this society. Well, when you've a wonderful girlfriend, wonderful friends, and awesome friends whom you can trust wholeheartedly, life kinda rocks =).

Eminem - Hellbound

~{Announcer}~
Welcome back, to the stage of history

~{Eminem}~
Yo.. Slim Shady!
Yo... I Fuckin' I...
I'll puke, eat it, and freak you (eww)
Battle? I'm too weeded to speak to
The only key that I see to defeat you
would be for me to remove these two Adidas and beat you
and force feed you 'em both, and on each feet is a cleat shoe
I'll lift you off your feet so fast with a roundhouse
you'll think I pulled the fuckin ground out from underneath you
(Bitch!) I ain't no fuckin G, I'm a cannibal
I ain't tryin to shoot you,
I'm tryin to chop you into pieces and eat you
Wrap you in rope and plastic, stab you with broken glass
and have you with open gashes strapped to a soakin mattress
Coke and acid, black magic, cloaks and daggers (ahhh!)
Fuck the planet, until it spins on a broken axis
I'm so bananas I'm showin up to your open casket
to fill it full of explosive gasses
and close it back with a lit match in it
while I sit back and just hope it catches
Blow you to fragments
Laugh, roll you and smoke the ashes

Chorus: J-Black (repeat 2X)

I see the light at the end
But every time I take a step, it gets dim
Tell me is this hell we're livin in?
If so, heaven's got to be better
But if we're hellbound, whatever, let's go down

~{J-Black}~
Am I the worst? Because I, never go to church (never)
I run a red light then sideswipe a hearse
I'ma drink 'til my liver rot, see the doc
Leave the E.R., then hit a bar for a liquor shot, fuck the liver spot
One day we all gon' die
But when I die, I'ma be so high
that I'ma get up and walk, leavin the concrete bare
with the chalk outline still there
I smoke 'til I choke and I sex a lot
I got a cross on my chain but it's just to rock
Now if I pray everynight (night)
Do I still have to hold my trey very tight?
You feel me God? I done did so much shit while on Earth
I smoke, I drink, I curse, and to make matters worse
I bust my gun first, and then I chat with your corpse
Since way back, I was one to never like back-talk
See me at the pearly gates in line, wearin a Northface
Nickle nine at my waist, God done lost faith
Angels greet me but I don't reply back
Just show me to my quarters, and oh yeah, where's Thai at?

Chorus 1/2

~{Announcer}~
Maxie was seriously wounded but the soul still burns
Final battle, fight!

~{Masta Ace}~
Analyze the strength of my game, like Lee Corso
Call me a lost soul, with a vest and my torso
And of course, yo, y'all know I'm no stranger to danger
Like Christ in a manger, feel a whole range of my anger
I breathe down shit so hard you can see sound
And beat down these rap clowns in like three rounds
My pen 'bout as sharp as a dagger, walk with a swagger
Tie your wife to the back of a black Jag and I drag her
Ten blocks, untie the bitch and I still bag her
Give her a smack in the ass and a six pack of lager
My shit go as deep and as dark as a train tunnel
My flows spill like usin the wrong end of a funnel
Everyday I grow more older, and more colder
Fly you to Colorado, roll you over with a Boulder
I know you want to retaliate but you won't dare
Cause you fuckin with some niggaz like this who just don't care

Chorus

{J-Black}
But every time I take a step, it gets dim..
Tell me is this hell we're livin in?
Haha..

{Announcer}
Time's up!
You lose!

Source: http://www.lyricsondemand.com

Useful Software

Alright, I'm just going to take a break for now, and write about why I use the following software:

1. Digsby
It's an IM client that's still in its beta stages, but it has already won me over (at least on Windows). I use Pidgin primarily, since I use Ubuntu fairly often (as long as my projects or whatever doesn't require Windows). Anyway, I simply love Digsby for the following:

1. Ability to connect to many IM services (actually it doesn't matter to me, cause I mainly use MSN, but it's still a very good thing to have, since I do have friends who are on other services.)
2. Ability to connect to Facebook, and other social networking sites, and receive updates! I didn't care much about social networking sites in the past, but since getting into Uni I realised Facebook is one of the easier ways to let me know how my friends are doing. Even then, I found it troublesome to open a browser, log-in, etc. However, with Digsby, it's just there. The updates and all. It's just so seamless!
3. Ability to connect to various email services. For example, I currently have mine set up to connect to my Gmail and Yahoo! Mail. From Digsby I can check how many new emails I have, etc. (like Gmail Notifier).

Well, there're still some cons with it though, but I trust that they'll be resolved soon.

1. No way to invite other people to a conversation, in other words, it is currently unable to start a multi-user chat. Of course, people can still invite you into their chat, but you can't invite others. This can be an issue for those who do mass chats often.
2. Memory usage is a little high, although this has been hugely improved in the latest version.
3. I think the file transfer is a little cranky. Sometimes it just doesn't work.

Lastly, one point that some people have a problem with... You must have a Digsby account. Now, why is this good, and why is this bad? Basically, with Digsby, you sort of assign all your other accounts to it. So, all you have to do is log into Digsby, and everything else, such as your MSN, Yahoo!, Facebook, etc. will log in automatically. Some people might find this an invasion of their privacy, especially if you use a particular email for professional correspondences. Well, to me, if you're worried, just don't link that particular account. Also, from Digsby:

"This information is stored on our servers and is encrypted in a manner that would prevent anyone, including DOTSYNTAX LLC employees from accessing your passwords."

Of course, the final decision is yours. In addition to Digsby, I also use Pidgin often (on Ubuntu).

2. Avira AntiVir Free
For those of you who refuse to pay for an anti-virus, and do not want to resort to piracy, Avira AntiVir is really good. It has served me well for the past few months =). I frequent the following sites often, so do a check for yourself if you want to:

www.wilderssecurity.com
www.av-comparatives.org

3. WinPatrol
The free version is already very good. Basically, this program will notify you of any changes made to your system, and ask if you would allow it, etc. This is a very brief description, please check out the website for more information. Also, if you choose to buy the Plus! version (like I did recently), visit billpstudios.blogspot.com for a coupon to receive a $10 discount =).

4. Unlocker
Taken straight from the site:

• Ever had such an annoying message given by Windows?

• It has many other flavors:
  
  Cannot delete file: Access is denied
  There has been a sharing violation.
  The source or destination file may be in use.
  The file is in use by another program or user.
  Make sure the disk is not full or write-protected and that the file is not currently in use.

• Unlocker is the solution!

Ok, enough said =).

Alright, I guess that's about it. Have a good day =)!

Eden

I love this song, for some reason =). Anyway, today marks 3 years and 2 months since Geri and I have been together ^_^.

On a separate note, I highly recommend Digsby. Take a look for yourself ^^. Will blog about why I recommend it another time, if and when I feel like it. Ok, take care people.

Sometimes life sucks, but you just got to keep telling yourself you will make it out alive somehow.

Rant

I hate my (school) life the way it is now, I wish it wasn't like this, but I don't have much of a choice now. I'm supposed to be enjoying myself now, because I was supposed to go Zouk with some of my friends, but here I am, blogging, and ranting, after writing approximately 70% of a 2000-word essay.

I don't particularly care about nightlife, nor clubbing for that matter. I care about relaxing, about having some time for myself, and more importantly, having a damn life. But no, I haven't had such a chance at all. In fact, I feel so busy and stupid that even blogging seems like a complete waste of time now, and the only f*cking reason I'm doing so is because I don't know how to continue the essay. This is not the life I envisioned, and everything just seems to be getting worse each day. I remember what one of my professors said during one of the talks before school started. He said he always gets As, and that one of his friends was the so-called slack one, as in he didn't do well, but really enjoyed University life. Anyway, he goes on to say that all he is now is just a professor, while his "slack" friend is now doing very well in life, running his own business and all. I remember he ended his talk with something like, "Don't be a loser, enjoy your uni life." I think he meant it to a certain extent, although it might seem like a joke at that point in time.

You know what? I fully agree. I miss my poly life. Yes, a lot of people say poly life is slack, bla bla bla. Well, I say, it's precisely because you all think this way, and that's why you didn't score during poly. Poly life can be slack, but you can choose to put in your effort and do well. And I frigging did. I put in my effort, I did well, and most importantly, I ENJOYED MYSELF. Not because I got results of straight As, or distinctions, but because poly life was fun in itself. Despite putting in effort to study, I still had the time to play, to join CCAs. Yup, CCAs, I enjoyed running my club, and I appreciate the wonderful members I had. Yes, there was f*cking politics, which till today, I'm quite lost as to what really happen. But you know what? I don't give a f*ck about some guy who chose to abandon his brothers over one girl. Nor do I give a f*ck about someone who only cares about his grades, someone who can sacrifice his friendships just to be in a lecturer's good shoes. I cared about my wonderful friends, about the occasional drinking sessions we'd have in school, about the events we ran together, about the daily ogling and chasing at girls, about the once-in-a-blue-moon guys heart-to-heart talk. I cared about living my life.

I didn't have a wonderful secondary school life, especially during upper secondary, due to the amount of family issues and whatever. I took all that negative energy, and told myself to put it to good use during poly, and I did. I enjoyed poly life so much that I went back to help out after I graduated, that till today the bunch of idiots I mixed around with are still my good friends, that we still crack the same jokes and it still makes us laugh, that I can't help but feel sad when I think and know that in future we're going to change and drift further apart.

During NS, I still had time for them. For Geri, and also for my family. Yes, it wasn't much, but there was time. No matter how busy I was, I could always find time for them. At the very least, when I do spend time with them, I didn't have to think about ANYTHING ELSE.

Then came uni life, and I'm utterly defeated by it. Yes, I could probably not give a damn, and maybe aim for an average CAP, but that's not what I want. Why is it that I'm finding it so f*cking hard to manage my time? Why is it that the only time people bother to make friends or talk to you is when they need help? What the f*ck. When you frigging needed help I tried to be there, no matter how busy I was. But when I needed help you weren't even around. Screw you all.

I don't really care anymore. I've realised there're bound to be sacrifices on this path I've chosen, or rather, been forced to choose. And I'm going to walk it, come out of it alive, and if there are things I must do, I will do it, somehow. I hate how abstract this f*cking post is, I hate how much I cannot say, and I hate the way my (school) life is. This mugging, this frigging culture, this is bullshit.

I wish I could type like this for my essay, you know? But I can't. This life just isn't what I envisioned. Nothing close to it at all. Where's the fun in school, when all you do is study? There's no free time at all, if you spend your free time with schoolwork idling at the back of your mind.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm not up to it. F*ck.

It's been a long time since I actually felt like blogging, and today's one of them. I've been really busy recently, and on top of that there are many personal issues on my mind, which sucks considering that I've a sit-in lab test later (at 2pm), as well as a Math test on Friday.

Before I came into Uni, I thought that if I stayed in a residence, I'd be at least able to return home once a week (other than weekends, of course). I thought I'd be at least able to meet my dearest Geri at least once or twice during the weekdays. I also thought that I'd be able to live life to the fullest, doing the things I love, like working out, actually joining and participating in some CCAs, among others. I thought wrong for all of them.

So far, there has only been once when I returned home during the weekdays, and that was only because my main computer was down, and I had to fix it or I'm screwed. That took such a toll on me that I felt really burned out by the end of that week. Nevertheless, getting to see your family kind of makes it a lot better =).

The number of times I've met Geri during the weekdays can be counted with one hand. I'm really trying to find time, but time is not friendly with me nowadays. I'm really thankful I've such a wonderful and understanding girlfriend =).

I've only really jogged twice, and only exercise VERY lightly about twice a week, one of which is ON A WEEKEND.

I think my time management skills suck, but I'm trying. I'm so tired. This is not the kind of life I wanted, but sometimes there's no choice due to certain obligations.

Also, yesterday was my sister's birthday, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEI MEI =)!

"And you never would have thought in the end,
How amazing it feels just to live again" - The Used, Blue And Yellow

21 + 1

Happy 22nd Birthday to Myself! Haha =). Well, my friends had some sort of mini celebration for myself and Jeremy on Friday already, and it was really nice! Dearest Geri came as well ^_^. Thanks guys and girl =P.

Spent the entire Sunday doing tutorials though, and today's Monday, my birthday, and I'm schooling. Bah. Thankfully Geri came down for lunch with me, and brought a mini cake as well. Thanks dear ^^. I'd love to blog more but am very tired right now =(. Thank you all for the birthday wishes ^^.

Oh ya, from Welson to me:

Some Jokes...

I was browsing through the Neowin forums and reading some jokes when I came across some I really like =P. All credits goes to Neowin Forums.

Chicken Sandwiches:
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"

She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it.""Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said, "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards."

Source: http://www.neowin.net/forum/index.php?showtopic=662514

Imagine That:
This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. “I can’t believe you’re asking me about supper right now! Imagine I’m out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself.”

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, “You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?”

“Huh? I thought you were out of town.”

Source: http://www.neowin.net/forum/index.php?showtopic=663248


Punctuation Is Powerful:


As you can see, we need each other! =P

Also, I love this post by one of the members, Abhishek Kapoor:
"Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you."


Source: http://www.neowin.net/forum/index.php?showtopic=663636

=)

School's been a little more busy than I expected so far, and I haven't really had much time for myself, or anyone else for that matter =(.

NUS's pretty fun in the sense that there're quite a lot of events happening (if you bother to find out). I've been to some of them already and it's really good, although I can't seem to enjoy myself fully when there's still schoolwork to be done. I guess I still need time to build up my stamina for studying again, since I haven't really studied for the past 2/3 years or so. It's going to be an uphill battle, but it has to be fought anyway.

Staying at PGP is quite fun, but I really miss my family =(. It's like army all over again, only seeing my loved ones on weekends. Sigh. I think as we grow older, we'll drift further away due to other commitments, until a point in time that you've achieved what you want to. By then, it may sometimes be too late. I hope it wouldn't be the case for me. I'd love to take my parents for a holiday, and support them once I start working. It's time to return the favour =).

Most of my closer friends are now either working, or studying. As I grow up I feel that time is getting increasingly short, or maybe I'm running slower each day.

"My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life." - Lee Iacocca

It's quite true actually =). People walk in and out of your life, sometimes they remember you, sometimes they don't. Sometimes you remember them, sometimes you don't.

Also, I'm going to work out my expenses later on, so I can plan how much to save per week and so on.

I bought Electrico's We Satellites recently, and I love it! Below are the lyrics for Save Our Souls:

A man looks at his son with a sad look upon his face
He doesn’t cry

He sits there on the street within his eyes they’re showing you
The reason why

Where have you gone? Gone away, leaving us in the same tragedy
Won’t you stay? I don’t know where to go...
Please say to god we don’t know where to go to save our souls

Hope falls from the sky on iron wings, But it don’t ever hit the ground
People scatter / scramble everywhere
But all they see is the barrel of a gun

It's been 3 years and 1 month since I got together with my lovely Geri =)! I miss you =).

It's 5.20AM and I'm still awake. I got home around 3.30AM, after NUS Jam & Hop, Pandemonium. It was pretty fun overall, although the crowd was not really there =(. It'd be nice to see more people supporting the local bands, especially the less popular ones. Nonetheless, I had a good time watching the various performances =)! All the bands were great! After that was some music (which wasn't really that awesome) and dance.

Anyway, sometimes I really think I'm screwed up. I can't seem to view things the way most people do, for whatever reason I don't know. Maybe I've screwed up ethics. To hold on to your beliefs is indeed a difficult thing.

First Week Of School, Etc.

First week of school is over! Still need to get used to it, studying sucks =(.

Two of my closest friends are currently recovering from their broken relationships. It kind of sucks when you can't really help them, as it's their own battle to fight. All you can do is listen to them, and try to empathize with them. Some of you are probably thinking, "Just stop whining and get over it." and I fully agree. However, things are often easier said than done.

Anyway, I hope they find their way out of their hell soon =). Time heals everything, definitely. Sometimes when you cling on to the past, you lose sight of the wonder in front of you. You already know it, why carry on this way?

Had a good sleep last night! =) Anyway, today was filled with lectures, and my brain's still warming up. Haha, although I've taken Engineering Mathematics before, what I'm learning now feels familiar yet unknown at the same time. Sigh. It's like re-learning everything all over again. Hopefully I can catch up!

I miss home already =(.

First Night In PGP

Hello all, today is officially the first night that I'm sleeping over at my residence, Prince George Park. It's a pretty small room, but I've made it cosy to my liking already =P. Of course, it's not as big as the rooms in some of the halls, but nevertheless, here's some pictures:












A very sweet handmade gift from dearest Geri!

Turbulence

I wish I could write out in words exactly how I feel, but sadly, there's a severe limitation to using language as a form of expression, and some feelings just have no words as equals. Moreover, I feel really uncomfortable blogging about certain personal things.

I had a really tiring week as it was the Freshmen Orientation Week, but nevertheless, I think it was all worth it! I never thought that I'd be enjoying it as much as I am at the end of it, considering how pessimistic I am. I'm thankful to have met certain people, and hopefully, great friendships can come out of it all =)!

Throughout the FOW I realised many things about myself I didn't know previously, probably due to suddenly interacting with strangers again, or maybe because the idle mind is truly the devil's workshop. I realised that the truth is I've been affected/changed by things I thought wouldn't affect me, that the effects of various things get more and more pronounced as time goes by. I realised that I'm not as strong as I thought I am, that I'm still a coward within.

Some things are better left ignored, but the truth is when you ignore it knowingly you never truly do. Ignorance is bliss, but ignoring isn't. It comes back to haunt you, and sometimes when you're feeling happy it just comes back to bring you down, as though you're forever indebted to it. Maybe it's just me, it probably boils down to me being unable to forgive myself, or sometimes others. I wish I could but I'm just a human.

I realised that perhaps a part of me is still desperately trying to find out who I really am, and at the same time, desperately longing for certain things in the past. I've never felt like I belong to this place, so I crack jokes, and try to lighten things up all the time, because that's probably the only way I know. Everyone needs a little magic, a little bit of light(ness) in their lives. I hate the fact that everything's so planned, so scheduled, and so routined. I hate it but yet I've submitted myself to it as well, because it's the only way I know of. Reach towards the things you hate the most, and maybe you might find a way out someday.

Suddenly, it didn't matter how well I did in my poly, or my numerous other academic achievements. They suddenly don't matter at all.

I miss my sister, I miss my parents being together, I miss my younger self when I didn't have to worry about a single thing, and I wish that some things didn't turn out the way they did. It took me years to finally realise all these. When I turn around I still see myself from years ago, desperately trying to find a way out of everything. And today, when I looked in the mirror, I saw him again, still desperately trying to find a way out of everything.

Anyway, it's just a random rant, and to end this post, here are some pictures of my group, STRENGTH, during the FOW! Also, to my dearest Geri, sorry for not spending as much time you and I would've liked during the week, I miss you =)!

Tag???

Doing this after I realised my dearest Geri tagged me (to prove that I love her passionately). I think Mac tagged me too -_-/

1. What are your nicknames?
YC, Soh, Wysie

2. What do you do before bedtime?
Computer, cards, sometimes books? Think of Geri =).

3. How late did you stay up last night and why?
2am, just can't sleep sometimes. The night is always young.

4. What color of shirt are you wearing right now?
Beige.

5. Are you an introvert or extrovert?
People see me as an extrovert but the truth is I'm an introvert. I find it hard to express myself.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
Of course being loved by someone is more blessed, especially when you love that someone too =).

7. Do you trust easily?
Way too easily, despite my mind telling my heart not to.

8. If the person you secretly like is already taken, what would you do?
Give up and move on, and wish them all the best in my heart. Life sucks sometimes after all.

9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Yes, the fact that my personal time is basically reduced to nothing. I miss my dearest and friends already.

10. Do you have a good body-image?
I'm not exactly tall, but nevertheless, I work hard on my body. I would like to think yes, although the mirror tells me otherwise =P.

11. Is being tagged fun?
Sort of.

12. What websites do you visit daily?
Everywhere.

13. Who are currently the most important people to you?
My dearest Geri, parents, sister, and friends.

14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
She's a stupid pui pui =P.

15. What’s the last song that got stuck in your head?
Foreigner - I Want To Know What Love Is

16. What’s your favorite item of clothing?
Any graphic tee with my favourite pair of denim jeans.

17. What's better: to give or to receive?
Giving, I hate to owe others a favour.

18. What's the first thing you notice in people?
For guys, their dressing, and how they carry themselves. For girls, their smile. Nothing beats a genuine smile/laugh =).

19. What items could you not go without during the day?
Handphone, and my pack of c****.

20. What should you be doing right now?
Bathing, and then sleep. I'm so burnt out.

- E N D -

EVERYONE whom I know, please do this if you read it. It'd be my pleasure to read =).

Update

Hello all, it's been forever since I updated, but forever will now end =P. Anyway, just an update on what's been going on in my life since I ORD-ed. I started learning driving on May 21, and as of July 15, I'm officially a qualified driver =)!

Anyway, since June 9 (ORD) till now, I've spent most of the time going for my driving lessons, and exercising. Of course, both of them have paid off well so far, although I'm lacking in discipline to exercise recently again. Nevertheless, I'm still trying my best.

Also, my friends and Geri's friends had a celebration for her 21st birthday on July 20 (a day earlier than her official one), and I hoped she loved it! =)

I recently had a chalet with my wonderful friends, despite the fact that we're all pretty broke. And no, my broke doesn't mean I'm unable to buy the latest whatever, but really b r o k e. Anyway, we managed to pool together a sum of money, and rented a Mitsubishi Lancer for the course of the chalet. It was definitely the slackest chalet I've ever been to, but I'm sure all of us had a good break, although some still had to work during the chalet =(. I personally had a good break! It was like a mini holiday, and with your friends around to talk cock with you, and having the chance to put my driving to practise, what more could I ask for? Oh ya, I would've loved it more if my dearest Geri had come, but she's very busy, so yup =(. I miss you dearest!

Also, yesterday (July 29) is officially 3 years since I got together with her. Words can't express how grateful and lucky I feel to be with a girl as wonderful as herself =). I love you my dearest *hugs*.

Lastly, I'm starting school as of Monday, August 4. Having pretty mixed feelings about it. Sigh. Will blog about it another time. I'd like to end this post by saying that I'm blessed to have great parents, awesome friends, and a wonderful girlfriend, also, that I'm brilliant =P.

Sixx:A.M. - Life Is Beautiful

You can’t quit until you try
You can’t live until you die
You can’t learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie

You can’t breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you’re the joke
There’s nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don’t
I’ve done things that you won’t
There’s nothing like a trail of blood
to find your way back home

I was waiting for my hearse
What came next was so much worse
It took a funeral to make me feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I sincerely hope that all those parents who are not exactly giving their children the love and attention they deserve wake up soon. It pisses me off to no end. Especially when people close to me are getting affected.

Note: I'm more than thankful for my parents =).

I'm feeling so lost recently. I'm not exactly studying hard, but I'm not playing hard either! I can't really enjoy myself either, due to the fact that I know I should be studying. Sigh, the mood/kick/drive to study is simply not there. Shit. This feeling of neither being here nor there sucks.

As a result of doing nothing productive, my mind has been wandering non-stop. Anyway, I realised that in spite of my achievements over the past few years, I never did feel completely satisfied. I now know why. Maybe my personality is in constant conflict with my character, I am constantly in conflict with me.

Mr. Yamamoto Rocks =)

My dearest and I had the pleasure of getting to know a certain Mr. Yamamoto yesterday. I wish more Singaporeans would be like him, friendly and all. So here's the story...

My paternal grandma's birthday celebration was yesterday, so before going over to her place, Geri and I went to White Sands to look for her gift. Seriously, we were both quite lost as to what to get for her, and ended up getting her chocolate chip cookies with no sugar (Granny's diabetic) from NTUC. After which, we decided to get a nice paper bag for the cookies. After doing some searching, we found what we want at Japan Home. I then asked Geri if she had $1 to spare as I didn't have small change. Well, turned out she didn't have, so I paid for it instead, not before cheekily saying, "It's ok, your job is to waste my money." Of course, it was a joke =P *hugs*. Anyway, this old man near us started laughing!

He then said, "So sorry, I overheard your comment." Geri went on to reply something like I'm a bad boyfriend, to which the old man replied, "No, he dotes on you, you see." So that was it. It was quite nice of that old man, really. No barriers, no airs, just a casual and friendly conversation. We paid for the item and left the shop. About halfway through, we stopped to pack some stuffs, and that was when the old man walked past us. He looked at us, and started talking to us.

Anyway, his name is Mr. Yamamoto, and he's a 65-year-young man =)! He's really nice, telling us about his life and daughter (who apparent has big boobs and likes to wear tight-fitting clothes) and all. Anyway, he's Japanese, but lives in Hawaii. All in all, it might seem like small talk to some people, but to Geri and myself, it was a nice old fellow trying to communicate with today's generation =). He finished the conversation by saying, "Well, see you all around sometime soon. Maybe I'll see you both in heaven!" Nice old man, really ^^.

Having negative feelings towards certain people is causing me *those* nights again...

Come, Break Me Down ^_^

I'm here again, after a period of absence for no reason at all. Anyway, just an update on what's been happening over the past few weeks...

I've been having driving lessons and all, and I seriously dislike my instructor. From the moment I get into the car, he just keeps scolding or giving me sarcastic remarks till the end of the lesson. In fact, he doesn't even seem interested in teaching. As a result, I usually end up not being able to tolerate his nonsense and arguing with him. It sucks, really, to pay for a lesson and to go there and get screwed. What the hell.

Also, I had my two of my wisdom teeth removed yesterday. The procedure itself wasn't painful, although it was uncomfortable. It's scary when you can feel the dentist pulling off your teeth, and hearing it break *tiak* =P. Once the anaesthetic wears off, you can really feel the pain. I think the painkillers helped though, cause it wasn't really that painful and I'm feeling almost completely okay today =).

I actually wanted to write a lot, but as usual, feeling is one thing, but doing is another =P. On a bright note, I'm ORD-ing this Monday =). 2 years... Feels really fast and slow at the same time.

On My Chair, Slumped

I just came to the realization today that no matter how happy I may be, there's always some things that will spoil it. Be it something from the past or present, there will be something. It's just that in the moment of happiness, and during my day to day living, I choose to forget about it, or rather, park it somewhere in my brain so that it wouldn't interfere in my daily activities.

I don't have a perfect family, in fact, my family's far from it. However, throughout the years I've learnt to be happy with what I have. I'm happy that I can get along well with both my parents, although they aren't together. I'm happy that both of them seem to have found their own reasons to go on with their own lives, and I'm trying hard every day to work towards success, so I can make them proud. I see my Mum mostly on weekends (book out from camp), and only meet my Dad around once a month, sometimes less. I try to make an effort to call them whenever I can, but sometimes I'm too caught up in my work or personal life to remember, and I always feel like shit when that happens. I have a sister too, and every time I think of her I wish she'd do something about her life soon. Really, I do. Mum worries about her all the time, and 75% of the time Dad talks to me about her. Sadly, I sometimes wonder if she even realizes how much she's hurting them. I'm just thankful she seems much better now when compared to a year ago or so.

You only live once, and so do your parents. Please think.

Update!

Ok, finally an update =). Here's a rundown on my goals and targets for the next 2/3 months.

- Signed up for Class 3. Finally -_-. Parents been asking me, and I've been wondering what the heck I'm going to do for the 2 months after I ORD, and before the start of uni. So I thought, why not? BTT's on 21st of this month, hopefully I pass. Intending to get the license within the next 3 months.

- Exercise and get fitter with each passing day =).

- Finish my books on handwriting analysis. Actually I've finished them, but not thorough enough.

- Update myself on programming/computing related stuff.

Why the sudden goals/targets? I've been thinking, how to improve myself? What skills do I need? What do I like to do? How can I be better? Then I realised, I suck -_-. So yup.

Anyway, I've been sick for the past 3 days, so yup =(. Feeling much better now, should recover soon =). Camp life's been pretty screwed recently. Some people just don't understand anything.

Nevertheless, I feel alive! Get a driving license, get fit, get healthy, learn more stuff every day! Yay! Hahaha =).

Anyway, Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay's really funny. I liked White Castle more though, but G. Bay's worth watching =)! Ironman's pretty good as well. Oh ya, Superhero Movie is a complete waste of money. Ah, the freedom and joys of being on leave ^_^.

I went to the event full of hope, only to return filled with disappointment. Yes, some objectives might have been achieved, but end of the day, people are just god damn fake and hypocritical. The events recently has woke me up from my dream once again. I feel like I'm becoming more and more asocial as time goes by. Humans can be really stupid.

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe." - Albert Einstein

X Japan

X Japan's live performance on the 28th is available for viewing on Youtube. They're still as amazing as ever. hide is still there in spirit =). It's nice of them to show him on the screen almost all the time. Really nice. Those people who are fans of X Japan will love it. Sugizo did an amazing job as well. We Are X!

Love Is Fleeting!

Edit: Random rant as a result of talking to some friends. Due to some influences, I'm trying to make it comical as well, so please take things lightly!

Young man, have you ever considered the foolishness of your actions before acting on them? You have spent the past 4 years with that lady. Someone whom you call "Love", "Dear", and all those silly mushy names. You have spent time and effort in the relationship, wishful thinking on your part that someday, that person is going to be the one walking down the aisle with you, as your beloved parents and friends watch in awe. When you reach the end of the aisle, there will be those loving vows, and of course, the exchanging of rings. Next, both of you would probably do THE kiss of your life. On the other hand, your mind tells you that it will never happen, while your heart tries to make a fool out of you. You tell yourself, what harm can a little daydreaming do?

I'd say, wake up. It is a wonderful thing that the relationship is over. Think about the times when you went over to her house and cooked for her some new dish you just learnt. She had told you she'd be back by 10pm, making you stupidly wait till 2am in the morning. It is amazing that you'd even cook for her, considering you are a guy. The only thing I've ever cooked for my girlfriend was instant noodles, and you know what, she's probably more appreciative of the instant noodles than your ex-girlfriend was appreciative of your baked pasta. Sad, but true.

You put so much trust in her, yet she trusts you less than her dog. You can't even spend a night out with your guy friends without her calling, and of course, quarelling. It's like a part of your relationship. A quarrel a day keeps the couple gay. Of course, gay as in happy. That said, I wouldn't be surprised if you turned gay either, considering the sort of love you were receiving from your love. I still remember the time when you had to wake up in the middle of the night, go to I-forgot-the-name club, just to bring her home because she was drunk and vomiting like Singapore's Merlion. To top it off, she gave you a slap of love for your hateful actions.

Of course, what kind of relationship would it be if your girlfriend does not constantly compare you to other guys? It was a necessity for your relationship, with her kindly reminding you many a times to "Buck up" or she is going for the other wonderful guys. The constant need to remind you that you're a dispensable item to her was important to make you treasure her all the more. Ah, love is truly fleeting. It comes and go at will. At her will.

I still remember the times when she'd somehow tell you that she has fallen for another guy. One of those memorable, "I love you, but I like him" situations. Yet you, being the dumb assgentleman that you are, will somehow forgive her. Of course, set a bird free, it it likes you it will return! So after 3 days she decides that she truly loves you after all, and apologizes to you. You tell her it's ok, you still love her and want to be with her. After all, love is fleeting!

You know, they say not to judge a book by its cover, but with your girlfriend, that theory has been truly proven wrong. I remember the first time you brought her out to meet us, and that first words that came out of her mouth in response to a joke I made was, "What the fuck?" Till today, we still remember her as the "WTF" girl. Of course, there has to be something you like about her. I figured it out after a while. She's like a kitten! The first time you took her out for some movie, you reported back to us this exact sentence (as much as I remember), "I only placed my hands on her leg, stroked it a bit, and she tells me she's feeling high!" We were like, "Truly, WTF?"

Then there was the incident of you working your ass off for her sake, only to log on to oh-fucking-Friendster and find out she's cheating behind your back. Of course, this had to be the straw that broke your back. You called her up immediately, and decided to unleash a barrage of vulgarities on her. It was the first time you had ever done that. Maybe the fact that it was 4am made you a little more profane than usual. Of course, your sweet darling gave you the usual "I'm sorry. I love you but I like him" reason again. Being the cock boy nice guy that you are, you decide to meet her up, and spent some loving moments with her at Pasir Ris Park, because according to the movies, when two people are at the beach watching the waves together, they will somehow fall in love.

So you met her and spent some loving moments together, even exchanging saliva with your wagging tongues. It didn't matter that she's confused. All you wanted was her after all. After some talking which had obviously lots of rationale, both of you decided to give each other some space (just 4 days apart). She even made that promise to you that she wouldn't keep in touch with the other guy either, just to be fair. Of course, you happily nodded your head. 4 days passed, and she didn't call you. Logically you know, the relationship's gone for good. Sadly, you chose to defy logic again. You mustered your courage, picked up the phone, and dialed her number. She picks up the phone, and seems happy that you called. "There's some hope," you tell yourself. Of course, there is some hope. You hear another guy's voice in the background. Hope always fails. While you spent the past 4 days alone, giving yourself some space, she has been hanging out with the guy that she likes but doesn't love! Promises are meant to be broken after all.

So you became single. For the first time in 4 years. You've been out of the game for so long you're completely lost as to how to even start a conversation with a girl. You're heartbroken. You spend your days sleeping, and your nights drinking. You spend your money as though you were so-fucking-rich. Of course you are! You're now paying only for one person instead of two! After mourning over your loss for 2 months, you started having a life again. For the first time you actually felt alive. Good things never last, my friend.

After 5 months of enjoying yourself, you received a call from her one day. She's crying, and telling you that she truly misses you. You aren't the same person anymore though. You told her that you'd rather just be friends. You still liked her, of course, but there's no trust anymore. You actually felt in control of your life for once. Time passed by, and the two of you grew closer, yet you still do not want to be with her again. You needed more time. However, as love is fleeting, just when you thought that things might work out after all, she decides to tell you that she rather focus on her studies. You lost, again. Almost like you were dumped again! I do not even want to write here the things that happened after that. You ARE a fucking tool to her, admit it.

I shall not continue writing out of that little respect I have left for certain people. So young man, have you ever thought that for these past 4 years, if you had chose to let your mind take control sometimes, instead of your heart, you might have actually turned out a lot better than you are right now? As you lay here in the hospital due to a failed suicide, I really hope you wake up and actually start living for yourself. Because if you don't, then you are better off you-know-what. You're still my friend, of course, in life and is death. After all, like love, friendship is fleeting too.

Geek Entry

I wanted to write something actually but suddenly lost the motivation. Whatever it is, please visit www.wilderssecurity.com if you actually care about the stuff on your computer =). I love that site!

Watched "Wristcutters - A Love Story" today with Geri, and it's a really great show! Google it if you want to find out more =). I loved every second of the show, and the ending is great!

Fortunate

I suddenly had this feeling that I'm really fortunate. I've wonderful parents (who unfortunately don't along with each other :(), great friends, and a loving and lovable girlfriend! ^_^

Sometimes I feel guilty for talking to any of them rather rudely, because of my own feelings. I get irritated easily, and as a result tend to burst out at them sometimes. Will attempt to resolve that problem fast =).

I've been spending time over the past week or so reflecting on myself, and that includes trying real hard to read up on certain books/subjects whenever I can. It's been quite a fruitful journey so far, dampened only by my not-so-great health. Nowadays, whenever I feel any negative emotions, I try to stop it by asking "Is it worth it?" As expected, most of the time, the answer is no. Why then, do we still feel such emotions?

Sad to say, we're usually angry with people for the wrong reasons. We're angry because most of the time, we feel somehow betrayed, or let down by them. In actual fact, most of the time we're betrayed by our misconception of what things really are. We're just feeling the negative emotions because things did not turn out our way, because people do not conform to our own flawed expectations.

I think. After all, I'm just another flawed human trying to find out what's my purpose here. I came across this interesting thought/philosophy today, "If life is so troublesome, why live it?" Then it went on to say, "If you've already troubled yourself with life so much, why give up?" Quite interesting actually.

Anyway, I went for a checkup today, and based on my past results (around 1.5 months ago), I apparently have mycoplasma. That explains the coughing, the chest pain, and all. Also, I did some reading up, and it seems that some people have problems recovering from it. I just hope I recover soon.

To end this short and relatively pointless post:

"If you are not leaning, no one will let you down." - Dr. Robert Anthony

In my daily working life, I'm always hearing people complain about their superiors. They will almost always go on to say that if ever they rise up to that position, they will definitely not make the mistakes their superiors are currently making. Full of confidence, full of determination.

When the time comes for them to succeed their superiors, they are full of promises, full of aspirations on what they intend to achieve for their subordinates. A week passes, things seem to be going well. Two, three weeks later, their subordinates start complaining about them. About the very same issues that these newly-promoted superiors used to complain about their own superiors. Then I realised, many a times these people just want things their way, it doesn't really matter how much shit they talk. Also, I realised I'll almost never see the truth because of my own position, and often end up finding out information only because others bypass the chain of command and complain to me directly.

I'm increasingly sick and tired of listening to all these complains, yet I know I should not. Because these complains/concerns are real. If someone doesn't do anything, it will always be a vicious cycle. It's really sad. As the saying goes:

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln

I truly agree, for many a times I've seen how ugly people truly are when given the power, the authority. The power to actually make the lives of the people under them better, but they choose to make their own life better, without giving a damn about what happens to the many others under them. The best part of all, they expect people to respect their authority, when they themselves do not respect what is above them. Sometimes I don't know whether to feel angry, or to laugh at the stupidity of these people. Honestly, a part of me despises them, despite knowing it's wrong of me to feel so. Why are people so selfish?

Sigh.

The feeling of waking up, hoping that you're feeling better, only to realise that you haven't sucks. I posted a while ago that I feel great and all, but damn, it only lasted for a week or so. I'm back to coughing, feeling unwell and all. My friend got diagnosed with bronchitis recently, and he was telling me to better go check it out just in case.

Just a brief breakdown of what happened. I have been coughing for at least the past 5 months already. It's pissing me off, seriously. Sometime around December, I decided to go to Bedok Polyclinic for a checkup. The doctor told me that it's nothing, might be URTI (Upper Respiratory Tract Infection), and to get an X-ray done in my camp if things don't get better with the medicine. For whatever reason, the doctor thinks that I'm trying to "chao keng". I'm cool with that, so whatever. Took the medicine, things got better, I'm happy. Sadly, around a week later, I started coughing again. This time round it got so bad that my chest and head hurts from the cough. So sometime in late January or early February, I went to my camp's Medical Centre. I told the doctor what has been happening, and managed to get an X-Ray done. According to the doctor, there was phlegm in my lungs. Surprisingly, he only gave me antibiotics, and said I could go on exercising as usual. Well, I got a little better, but the coughing persisted, as well as the slight chest pains. During one of my usual trainings, I felt a sharp pain in my chest. It gave me a shock actually. I then decided to go to Changi General Hospital, where an ECG was done on me. Nothing wrong with my heart, thankfully. The doctor even told me the pain could be due to excessive muscle strain. To be honest I felt she was just smoking her way through, because I did not really push myself, if at all.

I decided then, that maybe I should go for Traditional Chinese Medicine, since I've always preferred it anyway. Went once, it really helped. I felt like I've fully recovered, and thus, the wonderful post I made a while ago. Sadly, nature doesn't always side me. I got drenched in the rain a couple of times, due to the call of duty. So I fell sick again. Went to the Chinese physician again, and felt better again. I was so sure I'm completely recovered, until 3 days ago. For some stupid reason I had a sore throat, then the coughing started again. Chest pains here and there too. In fact, it's pains everywhere, what TCM would call "wind".

I'm now deciding whether to go to SGH and get another proper checkup done, or to go back to the Chinese Physician, get some medication, and actually REST PROPERLY AND IGNORE EVERYTHING FOR ONCE.

I want to recover fast. Real fast. I want to exercise, workout, and get a better body. I want to keep fit. I want to go out and enjoy myself. I want to be able to stay home knowing that I won't be getting my family members sick due to whatever I'm having. I want to be able to kiss Geri knowing that I won't be passing anything to her. Damn it, I want to recover. I've seen so many of my friends fall sick and they almost never recover, for whatever reason. I need to, want to, and have to recover.

Also, I've decided that in line with my goal to become more assertive, I've decided to abstain from any profanities from now on. Profanities are fun sometimes, but they also cause you to look like you can never win any argument unless you use them.

Update: Just to add, I actually started to wonder if my cough and pains are due to stress. Did some search on Google, and realise it might be, although I seriously do not feel stressed at all right now. Maybe it's the collective effects of the stress I've been feeling a while ago. Sigh. Whatever I just want to recover.

Went to watch Step Up 2 with dear today, pretty cool show. For some reason I liked the first one more though. Anyway, dear's going to be having her examinations soon, all the best darling =)!

I've decided that I will be more assertive from now on. I'd like to eventually reach a stage where I can look someone straight in the eye and tell him off, in the most polite yet firm way possible. I was discussing with a colleague of mine today, and realized that some people will simply take advantage of you.

This colleague of mine was sharing with me about how his fellow friend had changed after entering the workforce. It's quite sad actually, and I was telling him it's about time he makes his own stand, instead of letting this friend of his take advantage of their so-called "friendship" all the time. Then I realize, "It's about time I make my stand too."

In what sense? In every way, I guess. It's about time anyway.

I've also realized that I seldom belong to "the group". Other than Mac and friends, and my HDKs, I've never belonged anywhere else. Be it in school, or now at my workplace, I'm usually not part of anything. Maybe it's me, because to be honest, I hate being part of something just to feel accepted. I think it's the Virgo nature to be individualistic. Sadly, sometimes I feel really left out, but whatever. I also like messaging people on MSN aimlessly when I'm bored, only to ignore them when they reply (unknowingly). Asshole.

I think I might start blogging in 3rd person soon.

When I'm idling away, I'm usually full of ideas on what to blog about. I'd be thinking "I'm going to blog about love", "I'm going to rant and complain", or "Let's write a poem, it's been a while". Sadly, every single time I log into Blogger, I just lose the interest to do so. I suddenly find it pointless to write about it, for whatever reason. As such, I decided that I'm going to blog aimlessly for this post, and just write whatever comes to my mind.

I think that people are lonely creatures. Regardless of gender, regardless of whether you are a good or evil (relative I guess) person, you are just lonely. I'm sure that regardless of what you are doing, all you'd really want at the end of the day is people to listen to you, to be with you, and to appreciate you for who you are. No, I'm not talking about having a special someone. I'm talking about people in general. As kids growing up, you throw tantrums to get attention. As you grow up, the ways in which you use to get attention changed. From being a clown to being a "I'm-too-cool" kinda person. For girls, maybe you'd changed from conservative nerd to liberal bitch. Or the other way around. Or something similar. You'd go onto IRC, Friendster, Facebook, MySpace, Blogger, or just about anything that would allow you to express yourself, and get some attention. Along the way, you will get some attention, and probably think that "People like me when I'm like this, I'm popular now" or something along those lines. However, you don't truly feel contented, something just seems missing. So you change again, you chase after the fashion industry, you go for the latest, and the greatest. Or you decide that you want to be the anti-trend type of person, so you come across as cool, or laidback. Whatever it is, you hope to project an image of yourself that others would like. Again, you'll get some attention, yet still find something missing. So the cycle goes on. Until one day, you decide that enough is enough, and thus end your life.

Or maybe, you'd realise that the reason you're never contented is because all those personalities you've projected aren't the real you. Maybe you'll come to realise that deep inside, all you really wanted was just someone who could appreciate you for YOU. And when the person comes along, you'd feel vulnerable, yet wonderful at the same time. You'd feel alive, and feel stupid for doing what you did.

It's alright to change, provided you truly believe in it. Many a times we worry too much about what others think of us. Come to think of it, if everyone thinks that way, it'd also mean that most of the people are too busy worrying about what you think about them, instead of the other way round. Besides, if someone truly doesn't like the way you are, do you have to really comply with him?

Yeah, I blog because I know my friends read it, maybe people whom I don't know read it too (when they blog-hop). But I also blog because it allows me to express myself more freely. Thanks for the attention =). Good night =).

New Found Glory - Boulders

I feel locked away
With the weight of the world on my shoulders
Crushing on my head are boulders
Made of lies and dust from all of us

What of the bonds we've made
That have started to fade
We can't control the time
But right now I'll take what I can get out of my life

Medicate me again
So I fall away
Medicate me now
So I fall away

I feel torn between
Two different sides of an opinion
Don't know what state I've been in
Don't believe in trust, for only one of us

What of the progress made
That night we all forgave
It was a thought out crime
But you should take what you can get out of this life

I never said that I didn't need you
Put down your arms
And wrap them both right around me
Right around me

Source: http://www.seeklyrics.com

Sometimes I think I personally don't understand myself. Perhaps I'm really my own worst enemy. I think too deeply, too much, for the simplest of things. The answers lie within after all, so why have I been searching elsewhere all these while?

I wish I could blog freely, but there are many external factors that do not allow me to do so, sadly. It already sucks that I'm not able to express myself very well with words, it sucks even more that I've to always somehow blog in an abstract manner, and somehow hope that it actually makes sense. Well, it doesn't matter much actually because I still get a chance to express myself.

The human heart is truly unfathomable. Ok, I forgot what I wanted to write initially.

I'm Alive!

Finally I'm having a break! Although I've yet to fully recover, I'm feeling much better =). It's been a month since I've hit the gym, so I decided to ready myself for it again by doing some light exercises today ^^. It feels good to feel fit (at least a little) again! The cough's still there, and I'm still having a slight cold/flu, but other than that I feel so much better!

Sad to say, it kept raining today, and I didn't meet Geri Dearie cause of it =(. Sorry dearest. I miss you!

On another geeky note, I bought a D-Link DIR300 router, 2 x 2GB Kingston MicroSD, and a WD 250GB Passport at the recent IT show. I managed to set up the router and all already, so now I'm able to print and view files on my computer using my laptop. It's really nice that I'm finally able to do things on my own will. Haha.

Nevertheless, not everything's peachy. Still, there's always something to be happy about, I guess =).

The recent morale in my workplace isn't exactly the best. I'm disappointed, to say the least. How could it be, that people work expecting rewards all the time? I don't get it. If a superior feels this way, how can you tell your subordinates to suck it up? I'm disappointed, because the people directly under me are complaining 24/7 that they want this, and that. It makes me wonder how often do people do things because they sincerely want to. I suppose more often than not, there is an ulterior motive somewhere. Similarly, how often do people make friends because they sincerely want to?

Sometimes I look back at what I've to sacrifice to get to where I am today, I wonder if it's all worth it. Sometimes I don't really want to do certain things, but I do it anyway, because I feel obligated to. Then I realise, time and again, it's really not worth it sometimes. I barely spend time with my parents, and Geri, on the phone on weekdays. I spend weekends doing work as well. At the same time, my health's being neglected. Weighing the pros against the cons, the cons simply own the pros. No competition at all.

Yet time and again, I find myself repeating the cycle, more often than not, initiated by myself. Is it because of responsibility? I don't know. It's just not in me to leave things and walk away. However, with the way things are right now, I feel tempted to do so. I feel tempted to just leave all these bullshit behind and walk away. I feel stupid for doing so much, yet getting nothing in return. It'd be perfectly alright if I get nothing at all, but it sucks that on top of that, I'm getting punishments, and additional jobs I don't even deserve. I've been trying hard to convince myself for a long time that maybe this place isn't so screwed up, but time and again, I'm being proven wrong.

You know what, I'm tired, really tired. I feel like I'm being screwed by the very people I trust. I feel like crap. For once, I don't feel like doing anything about the situation I'm in. It's just an absolute waste of precious time and energy, which could be better spent on my dear ones.

I used to think that there'll always be light at the end of the tunnel, but all I see now is darkness. I don't even know where's the end anymore. Why do I have to answer for things I didn't do? Why do I have to answer to others? Why do I even feel the need to? Maybe it's because when I needed answers in the past, I never got them. Maybe that's why I don't want that happening to others. Well, who cares, the rain will eventually wash away all the pain.

Evolution of Dance

Watch it!

Workaholic

It was a Saturday night. He's working his ass off to get the job done, wondering why he is the only one left in the office, less the security guard. Regardless of the work he produces, he does not stand any chance of being promoted any time soon, mainly because he is just a part-timer. Moreover, promotion would mean more work for him to do.

Yet he works on, knowing that he would not be pleased with himself if he were to do something without putting in his effort. He has been like this for his whole life. As long as he's tasked a job, like it or hate it, he will always put in maximum effort. Either that, or not do it at all. There is no in-between. He keeps his focus on his work, less the occasional irritating, and somewhat frustrating thought that his fellow colleagues, and even his boss, the one who gave him such a workload to begin with, are probably hitting the night clubs, or the brothels. The more conservative ones are probably at home typing away at the computer, and the faithful ones are almost definitely making out with their respective partners. Yet, there he is, in the office, trying to get work done.

He knew the price he's paying for choosing work over just about everything else. To make matters worse, he has stayed the night before, burning the midnight oil, trying to complete what's been tasked to him. He has chosen, yet again, to complete his work instead of returning home to his parents, or to his most wonderful girlfriend. He has chosen once again to sacrifice all these, just because he has been tasked with a job.

But he does not get distracted for long. He brushes these thoughts away and quickly returns to his job. Day and night has no meaning for him at this moment. A Monday is no different from a Sunday. He skips meals just to carry on working.

And there he is, typing away as he goes on working. The thought of leaving everything behind hits him briefly. Maybe he'll do it one day. Just, maybe.

=) =(

Alright, I actually won a lucky draw for like the first time in my whole life (I think)! Haha =P. Anyway, I won a Samsung Home Theatre (HT-TQ22), and am giving (or selling =X) it to my dad ^^.

On to another note, I'm having another intake real soon, and won't be able to come out till the 25th =(. Hopefully I'll write something thought-provoking here tomorrow or something, so you all can think about it while I'm gone =P.

Happy New Year 2008!

Yes, I'm writing here instead of hanging out with my friends on the very first day of 2008. Haha. It's been a while since I've been to a countdown anyway, so yup. Anyway, I spent most of the night at Geri's place, till the clock struck 00:00 =)! It's a good feeling spending the very first moment of the New Year with someone so dear, especially when you know, and believe, that there'll be more wonderful times ahead ^^. Also, she finally received the Calvin and Hobbes Collection which I got for her, and I saw it just now. It's a really wonderful collection. Anyone who likes Calvin and Hobbes should get it NOW.

So what's my New Year Resolutions?

1. Manage my time better, so I can spend more time with my loved ones.
2. Get fitter!
3. Plan my life ahead properly, and start working towards it. (Actually I'm more or less sure already, but need to re-align myself as I seem to be drifting away it.)
4. Learn whatever skills I can. Currently, I'm learning Graphology (Handwriting Analysis), which is really interesting.
5. Be more impartial, instead of always letting my heart rule my mind unnecessarily.

I guess that's about it for now. Actually, New Year Resolutions seem kind of stupid when I ask myself, "Why wait till New Year?" Well, better late than never I guess.

I feel like I don't fit in this society at all. I constantly disagree with many things that are already considered the norm, probably because I find it difficult to accept that humans are really that animalistic. I have a habit of writing things in such a way that it doesn't really make much sense, like right now, maybe because most people will disagree with what I've to say anyway. Why drives people to do things they probably already know is not right? Why? Why succumb to the darkness when you've a conscience? Because we only live once? Or because you'd rather fit into the society than to hold onto your beliefs? Then again, what good is a belief if you end up dead because of it? Will it change anything? I don't know.

I hate the fact that I can't express myself properly nowadays, especially on my blog. Damn.

South Park Geri/YC