Been a while since I last updated. Life's been pretty hectic. Anyway, I was recently warned that I might get debarred for one of my examination papers, for being constantly late in class. I've already provided the reasons, and found out as much as possible, and so far the chances of getting debarred is rather low. Sigh, what good is a reason when your lecturer think you're lying? Like I would like to lie about something as personal as the reason I've told them. It's pretty sad when your lecturer is prejudiced against you. Well, what can I say? To top it off, I got marked 3 more times late than I should be. When I told him about it, he was like, "If you really early why would I mark you late?" Hey, you're the one taking the attendance, don't ask me something like that. I've no reason to lie. I just don't want some petty lecturer to ruin my future. So please wish me the best, thanks ^^.
Anyway, on to the better things, life's been pretty good. I'm in the Engineering Project Show. It's actually not that good. You see, all of us are literally standing there doing nothing. The people who have visited my booth so far are mostly adults/lecturers. The students are more interested in the games projects =(. Still, it's a good experience being able to explain and demo the project to various people, and learn how to answer questions appropriately. My sister's been much better as well =).
Alright, I'm lazy again :(. Good night! =)
Check out this song, it's really nice!
Nightmare Of You - I Want To Be Buried In Your Backyard
The streets are all violent
with murderous excitement
The hunter and the prey are dancing everyday
That waltzing jibberish
where intake becomes outlandish
I'm in a bad way every passing day
"So where do do we go from here" I'll say
you're a shining star, you'd do great in L.A.
and I keep fixing every habit that I break
Oh Megan, is this thing of ours still on?
for i haven't slept a wink since you have been gone
Now i want to be buried in your backyard
and when the flowers grow
just know you're still in my heart
You're still in my heart
A flash of dark interest steers us into this car crash
uniting our remains, a firey hurray ...ay ay ay
Our hands touch unnoticed
pressed up against melting glass
You're calling out my name as the air escapes
Oh "Where do do we go from here" I'll say
you're a shining star, you'd do great in L.A.
and I keep fixing every habit that I break
Oh Megan, is this thing of ours still on?
for I haven't slept a wink since you have been gone
Now I want to be buried in your backyard
and when the flowers grow
just know you're still in my heart
Oww..
"Where do do we go from here" I'll say
you're a shining star, you'd do great in L.A.
and I keep fixing every habit that I break
Woo..
Oh Megan, is this thing of ours still on?
for I haven't slept a wink since you have been gone
Now I want to be buried in your backyard
and when the flowers grow
just know you're still in my heart
When the flowers grow
just know you're in my heart
When the flowers grow
just know you're still in my heart...
Source: http://www.letssingit.com/
20060121
20060107
Alright, school's been ok so far. My sister's a little better behaved as well. At least for now.
Anyway, as much as I hate to admit, sometimes life's really unfair. Let's say you're assigned a project, and you've to lead a team of people under you. You put in 101% effort for a project. Similarly, there're others doing other projects as well. Whether within or out of your own group, there're those who are like you, giving all they have, and those who simply do little, or nothing at all. Yet special attention is paid to a certain group of people, whether they're those that put in effort or not. Why? Is it because they've been assigned a project that's more important? Can't ALL project supervisors pay equal attention to their groups? Well, guess I'll leave it at that.
On another note, Dr William Tan just did a 24-hour marathon in my school. He's aiming for the Guinness Book of Records. It was really inspiring watching him completing laps after laps. I think the total count in the end was 660 or 661 laps! It started around 7pm on Thursday, and ended around the same time on Friday. I ran on both days, and my legs hurt like crazy now. Nevertheless, it was fun! =) Hope this milestone gets recorded into the Guinness Book of Records!
Lastly, I'd like to take a short moment and thank a special someone ^_^. No idea when she'll read this though =P. You know who you are, idiot! =P Thanks for being so! <3
Anyway, as much as I hate to admit, sometimes life's really unfair. Let's say you're assigned a project, and you've to lead a team of people under you. You put in 101% effort for a project. Similarly, there're others doing other projects as well. Whether within or out of your own group, there're those who are like you, giving all they have, and those who simply do little, or nothing at all. Yet special attention is paid to a certain group of people, whether they're those that put in effort or not. Why? Is it because they've been assigned a project that's more important? Can't ALL project supervisors pay equal attention to their groups? Well, guess I'll leave it at that.
On another note, Dr William Tan just did a 24-hour marathon in my school. He's aiming for the Guinness Book of Records. It was really inspiring watching him completing laps after laps. I think the total count in the end was 660 or 661 laps! It started around 7pm on Thursday, and ended around the same time on Friday. I ran on both days, and my legs hurt like crazy now. Nevertheless, it was fun! =) Hope this milestone gets recorded into the Guinness Book of Records!
Lastly, I'd like to take a short moment and thank a special someone ^_^. No idea when she'll read this though =P. You know who you are, idiot! =P Thanks for being so
20051223
My parents chose to divorce, but my sister chose to destroy everything's that's left of it. Now I know why you need friends. Because sometimes your own family just can't be trusted. I don't blame any of them. I think this is what you call fate. Or destiny. Or bullshit. I like the last one the best. I've never felt more disappointed than this. Not disappointed with myself, but with my sister. Good job. You win. What else do you fucking want? I've to swallow my pride when I saw your fucked up friends, had to keep quiet like an idiot. It's alright, I tell myself, but you only go further. Sorry? Stop your fucking acting. Maybe I'll tell this straight to your face the next time I see you. Selfish POS. Get your fucking idea right, I don't, and will NEVER owe you a thing. This family is a tool to you, mother and father are just puppets to you. I don't feel like going home? Your friends are so cool :), so are you.
20051211
Malacca Trip
Hello all,
I went to Malacca yesterday with my mother and sister, and it was really fun yet tiring. I know Malacca means nothing to some of you fellow Singaporeans, but it's been a long time since I stepped out of Singapore. Anyway, I had to wake up at 5.30am, catch a quick breakfast, take a quick bath, and then finally leave house at 6.15am or so. Reached Lavender at 7am, waited for the coach to arrive, and off we went.
We went via the Tuas link, and reached the Singapore customs around 8.30am or so, I think. Anyway, fast-forward a little, we reached a small town in Malaysia to catch some snacks or "brunch". Haha. Finally, we reached Malacca around 1.15pm, for lunch! The food was very nice! Oh ya, before that, we went to this "The World's Bees Museum" or something like that. Shows you all the different types of bees, and the honey there is good as well ^_^.
Anyway, after lunch, we went to this shopping mall, can't remember the name. Got myself some clothes. I feel quite bad wasting my mother's money =(. After that we went to some small district with a lot of Peranakan snacks. Bought some stuff there again.
Ok I'm getting lazy to type on. Bottom line is, it was fun! On another note, I don't know about my sister. I think she might read this but anyway, I find it a bit hard to trust her sometimes. She still behaves like nothing's ever happened, and just a moment ago she lost her temper when my mother wanted her mobile phone back. I'm tired, honestly. I know my mother is too. We're all trying so hard but you seem to take everything for granted. When we're nice to you, you step all over us. When we try to correct you, you lose your temper.
It's sad when someone uses you, it's worse when it's your own family member. I don't know what you're trying to achieve till now. Just hope you'll come to your senses soon and realise your mistakes. I know it takes time, but I'll be going NS next year, and if you don't change by then it's going to be hard for us.
Lastly, to end this on a good note, good night =).
I went to Malacca yesterday with my mother and sister, and it was really fun yet tiring. I know Malacca means nothing to some of you fellow Singaporeans, but it's been a long time since I stepped out of Singapore. Anyway, I had to wake up at 5.30am, catch a quick breakfast, take a quick bath, and then finally leave house at 6.15am or so. Reached Lavender at 7am, waited for the coach to arrive, and off we went.
We went via the Tuas link, and reached the Singapore customs around 8.30am or so, I think. Anyway, fast-forward a little, we reached a small town in Malaysia to catch some snacks or "brunch". Haha. Finally, we reached Malacca around 1.15pm, for lunch! The food was very nice! Oh ya, before that, we went to this "The World's Bees Museum" or something like that. Shows you all the different types of bees, and the honey there is good as well ^_^.
Anyway, after lunch, we went to this shopping mall, can't remember the name. Got myself some clothes. I feel quite bad wasting my mother's money =(. After that we went to some small district with a lot of Peranakan snacks. Bought some stuff there again.
Ok I'm getting lazy to type on. Bottom line is, it was fun! On another note, I don't know about my sister. I think she might read this but anyway, I find it a bit hard to trust her sometimes. She still behaves like nothing's ever happened, and just a moment ago she lost her temper when my mother wanted her mobile phone back. I'm tired, honestly. I know my mother is too. We're all trying so hard but you seem to take everything for granted. When we're nice to you, you step all over us. When we try to correct you, you lose your temper.
It's sad when someone uses you, it's worse when it's your own family member. I don't know what you're trying to achieve till now. Just hope you'll come to your senses soon and realise your mistakes. I know it takes time, but I'll be going NS next year, and if you don't change by then it's going to be hard for us.
Lastly, to end this on a good note, good night =).
20051210
20051204
Fucked Up
Hello all, been a long time since I posted. Hope life's been very good for all of you. Anyway, my sister finally came home. YAY! My ass.
I was sort of happy when I first heard it. It's been MONTHS since I saw her, although she probably doesn't care. Yet when I came home, she acted like nothing's changed. Like my mother and I was wrong. No respect for anyone at all.
I've been trying not to write about her for a long time. It's always on my mind. The past few months were really good for me, but I'm always worried about her. My parents too. When staying with my father, my sister consistently left house only to return 3 or 4 days later. Each time, she would refuse to pick up her phone, giving excuses as stupid as "HANDPHONE LOW BATTERY LA". The last time I checked I shouldn't be able to get through someone if the handphone's off =).
Thanks to this, my mother and father are on really bad terms once again. Nice job. I really appreciate the amount of effort you put in just to screw the whole family up. Your friends? Lol. Friends? People who encourage you to smoke, or help you with "unlocking" your mother's room door. Oh ya, I've yet to make a report about that. You think you're so great? Thanks to you, mother and father are NOT EVEN ON TALKING TERMS ANYMORE YOU SMART ASS.
Ask yourself, have you ever kept to your promises? No. No. No. You lied about this, lied about that. Tell mother A, tell father B. Thanks.
The first thing you asked me when you came home today, "Can use your computer?". No sense of guilt, no sense of shame. Fuck your conscience. I know what you're going to say. "Why you always use vulgarities? Just like Papa." First of all I hate comparisons, secondly I don't use vulgarities as much as you hope I will. You don't even have any respect for yourself. Style. Make-up that makes you look like some china doll I can buy off the shelves. Cool? I know why you came home today, because you needed to take a bath. I'm tired of everything you're doing.
All I know is the things I value in my life are in the following order:
1. Family
2. Girlfriend and Friends
3. Studies
4. Health
And the things you value are in the following order:
1. "FRIENDS"
2. Money
3. Yourself
4. Yourself
5. Yourself
I'm disappointed, really. You stayed at father's home as long as he had a computer with a working internet connection for you to use, but the moment the internet got cut off, you start straying outside. Selfish bitch. You think you're the only one with problems? You claim you want to return to school to study, so FOR ONE LAST TIME I HOPE YOU KEEP YOUR WORD.
Just to let you know, don't ever let me see your friends in OUR house. Especially not in MY room. Really. If you hate this you can ask them to come to me personally, or maybe even kill me. Just like you killed the faith and hope everyone had in you. Why? Because you feel no one cares for you.
About that, JUST TO LET YOU KNOW. SINCE THE DAY YOU WERE BORN EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU. I'm the one without problems. You think mother or father will worry if I'm out for 2 days. No. You think I like that? Go on this way. You're becoming all you ever hated.
P.S: If you still want to play nice I'll listen. Otherwise don't interfere in my life. The sister I had is gone long ago. You just look like her. No, you don't even look like her. She looked much sweeter =). Also, she had a heart. How do I know that? Because her cheeks are naturally pink and rosy. Yours are white with powder =). Like you're trying to hide something.
Oh ya, I won't be surprised if you read it and acted like nothing happened as well.
I was sort of happy when I first heard it. It's been MONTHS since I saw her, although she probably doesn't care. Yet when I came home, she acted like nothing's changed. Like my mother and I was wrong. No respect for anyone at all.
I've been trying not to write about her for a long time. It's always on my mind. The past few months were really good for me, but I'm always worried about her. My parents too. When staying with my father, my sister consistently left house only to return 3 or 4 days later. Each time, she would refuse to pick up her phone, giving excuses as stupid as "HANDPHONE LOW BATTERY LA". The last time I checked I shouldn't be able to get through someone if the handphone's off =).
Thanks to this, my mother and father are on really bad terms once again. Nice job. I really appreciate the amount of effort you put in just to screw the whole family up. Your friends? Lol. Friends? People who encourage you to smoke, or help you with "unlocking" your mother's room door. Oh ya, I've yet to make a report about that. You think you're so great? Thanks to you, mother and father are NOT EVEN ON TALKING TERMS ANYMORE YOU SMART ASS.
Ask yourself, have you ever kept to your promises? No. No. No. You lied about this, lied about that. Tell mother A, tell father B. Thanks.
The first thing you asked me when you came home today, "Can use your computer?". No sense of guilt, no sense of shame. Fuck your conscience. I know what you're going to say. "Why you always use vulgarities? Just like Papa." First of all I hate comparisons, secondly I don't use vulgarities as much as you hope I will. You don't even have any respect for yourself. Style. Make-up that makes you look like some china doll I can buy off the shelves. Cool? I know why you came home today, because you needed to take a bath. I'm tired of everything you're doing.
All I know is the things I value in my life are in the following order:
1. Family
2. Girlfriend and Friends
3. Studies
4. Health
And the things you value are in the following order:
1. "FRIENDS"
2. Money
3. Yourself
4. Yourself
5. Yourself
I'm disappointed, really. You stayed at father's home as long as he had a computer with a working internet connection for you to use, but the moment the internet got cut off, you start straying outside. Selfish bitch. You think you're the only one with problems? You claim you want to return to school to study, so FOR ONE LAST TIME I HOPE YOU KEEP YOUR WORD.
Just to let you know, don't ever let me see your friends in OUR house. Especially not in MY room. Really. If you hate this you can ask them to come to me personally, or maybe even kill me. Just like you killed the faith and hope everyone had in you. Why? Because you feel no one cares for you.
About that, JUST TO LET YOU KNOW. SINCE THE DAY YOU WERE BORN EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU. I'm the one without problems. You think mother or father will worry if I'm out for 2 days. No. You think I like that? Go on this way. You're becoming all you ever hated.
P.S: If you still want to play nice I'll listen. Otherwise don't interfere in my life. The sister I had is gone long ago. You just look like her. No, you don't even look like her. She looked much sweeter =). Also, she had a heart. How do I know that? Because her cheeks are naturally pink and rosy. Yours are white with powder =). Like you're trying to hide something.
Oh ya, I won't be surprised if you read it and acted like nothing happened as well.
20051107
20051102
Update
Hello all, hope you're all doing well =). Been a long time since I updated, don't really know what to write at this moment. Just feeling kind of bored, since I'm awake yet doing nothing. No one to accompany me as well. Well, can't blame anyone, it's 3.40am. Haha.
Anyway, I've made some changes to my wall again =P. Will post a new picture up soon. My mother's been complaining that I'm using paper and ink unnecessarily. Lol.
Sometimes I feel really out of control. I know my stupid friends are going to think of something dirty -_-. Anyway, it's like, I know what I'm doing/saying is wrong, yet I can't seem to stop myself from doing/saying them, only to regret after that. Sigh. I feel really sucky, especially when it concerns someone I really like.
Life's been good to me recently, I guess. I sort of miss my sister though. As I've said in previous posts, she's currently living with my father. I got a call from my father the other day, seems that she mis-behaved again =(. You know, I wish you're reading this right now. You might think that right now you're mixing with the best friends you can find in the world, that they're the ones who are always right, but remember, you're only 15. You haven't seen what father and mother have. I don't really know what to tell you anymore. When I try calling you, you almost never pick up my calls. You complained that I don't spend much time with you anymore. Seriously, do I have a choice? Anyway, I really hope you'll show more respect to Mum and Dad before it's too late. You never know when someone is going to leave this world. I don't know about you, but I've always thought of what would happen to us if Mum and Dad weren't around anymore.
I think Dad has told you this already, that Mum seems to be having a recurring cataract. I don't know if you remember, but around ten years ago Mum had an operation to remove the cataract. Now it's back. If you haven't already contacted her, I think it'd be good if you do so now. On a brighter note, I think she will be able to have an operation that wouldn't be too expensive =).
Ok, I seriously don't know what else to write. Take care people. Good night =).
Anyway, I've made some changes to my wall again =P. Will post a new picture up soon. My mother's been complaining that I'm using paper and ink unnecessarily. Lol.
Sometimes I feel really out of control. I know my stupid friends are going to think of something dirty -_-. Anyway, it's like, I know what I'm doing/saying is wrong, yet I can't seem to stop myself from doing/saying them, only to regret after that. Sigh. I feel really sucky, especially when it concerns someone I really like.
Life's been good to me recently, I guess. I sort of miss my sister though. As I've said in previous posts, she's currently living with my father. I got a call from my father the other day, seems that she mis-behaved again =(. You know, I wish you're reading this right now. You might think that right now you're mixing with the best friends you can find in the world, that they're the ones who are always right, but remember, you're only 15. You haven't seen what father and mother have. I don't really know what to tell you anymore. When I try calling you, you almost never pick up my calls. You complained that I don't spend much time with you anymore. Seriously, do I have a choice? Anyway, I really hope you'll show more respect to Mum and Dad before it's too late. You never know when someone is going to leave this world. I don't know about you, but I've always thought of what would happen to us if Mum and Dad weren't around anymore.
I think Dad has told you this already, that Mum seems to be having a recurring cataract. I don't know if you remember, but around ten years ago Mum had an operation to remove the cataract. Now it's back. If you haven't already contacted her, I think it'd be good if you do so now. On a brighter note, I think she will be able to have an operation that wouldn't be too expensive =).
Ok, I seriously don't know what else to write. Take care people. Good night =).
20051026
20051010
Good morning =). I'm currently at work, and I'm late today. Thankfully someone woke me up =P. The funny thing is I woke up around the time I'm supposed to reach my workplace, which is in Jurong, and I live in Simei. So I'm appromixately 1.5 hours late =\. The reason I can blog now is because there's currently nothing for me to do. Anyway, a conversation around 15 minutes ago between me and a fellow "friend" went like this:
"Friend": "YC, did you tell anyone you not coming today?"
[In a really demanding and authoritative tone.]
YC: "No, not yet."
[Ok, this is my mistake, but I was sleeping when I received the message last night.]
"Fried": "Did you know that Mr. XXX is coming? We thought all of you were coming."
[So, now it's my fault that others didn't turn up. Anyway why is Mr. XXX so important? Lick balls?]
YC: "Ok."
"Friend": "Check your minutes in future."
[Same irritating tone.]
YC: "Ok."
[The truth is I've checked it and I didn't see anything. I just found out I should check "Agenda" instead.]
"Friend": "Bye."
I forgot if I said "Bye", but anyway I proceeded to call those I should call and apologise. Anyway, I used to think "Friend" was friendly and nice before I actually got to work with her directly. Well, well. The sad thing is I know it wouldn't make a difference. Where there's power involved, there'll be politics. Please make it transparent though. I don't want to comment too much, I'm sick and tired of being judged by people who don't even know me. I hate to say this, but I'm in school to excel in my studies AND enjoy, not get involved in stupid politics and fail my studies, nor to show off just because I get some award. Before I got involved with you all, which is the BIGGEST MISTAKE I've made in my polytechnic life, I had a really great school life. Great friends, FUN club, and not-so-bad results. I don't need you to survive in school. Heck, I don't even see a need for you in anything. So, do me a favour, do yourself a favour, don't think so highly of yourself. On another note, I really respect some of you, so please don't get the idea that I'm against everyone.
P.S: Note that I tried to refrain from using any profanities, so as not to hurt other people's feelings.
"Friend": "YC, did you tell anyone you not coming today?"
[In a really demanding and authoritative tone.]
YC: "No, not yet."
[Ok, this is my mistake, but I was sleeping when I received the message last night.]
"Fried": "Did you know that Mr. XXX is coming? We thought all of you were coming."
[So, now it's my fault that others didn't turn up. Anyway why is Mr. XXX so important? Lick balls?]
YC: "Ok."
"Friend": "Check your minutes in future."
[Same irritating tone.]
YC: "Ok."
[The truth is I've checked it and I didn't see anything. I just found out I should check "Agenda" instead.]
"Friend": "Bye."
I forgot if I said "Bye", but anyway I proceeded to call those I should call and apologise. Anyway, I used to think "Friend" was friendly and nice before I actually got to work with her directly. Well, well. The sad thing is I know it wouldn't make a difference. Where there's power involved, there'll be politics. Please make it transparent though. I don't want to comment too much, I'm sick and tired of being judged by people who don't even know me. I hate to say this, but I'm in school to excel in my studies AND enjoy, not get involved in stupid politics and fail my studies, nor to show off just because I get some award. Before I got involved with you all, which is the BIGGEST MISTAKE I've made in my polytechnic life, I had a really great school life. Great friends, FUN club, and not-so-bad results. I don't need you to survive in school. Heck, I don't even see a need for you in anything. So, do me a favour, do yourself a favour, don't think so highly of yourself. On another note, I really respect some of you, so please don't get the idea that I'm against everyone.
P.S: Note that I tried to refrain from using any profanities, so as not to hurt other people's feelings.
20050928
Aftermath
Ok, I don't exactly feel happy, because it wasn't us who got to present =(. It went well anyway, so yup... =). I want to write about other things anyway.
So it's 4.30am and I'm awake. I don't have to be early for school or anything later on. Yay!
I don't know what's going on in this world anymore. There're people that I wish I could get rid of, seriously. I don't even know why they want to act all familiar with me and shit when they're causing me so much trouble. Fucking hell I wish you would just get out of my life. I don't really know you anyway, and don't intend to know you that well. When you tried committing suicide, why didn't you die?
You aren't even 18, yet you're talking about stuff like loving someone forever, being just someone's tool, and whatnots. Get a hold of your hormones. Your friends are pretty cool too. "i wan euu shoo muchh butt i dunch thinkx euu wan mii animoree" Oh my god, my eyes. You talk about loving someone and shit, when you obviously have no love for your parents.
What the fuck is wrong with you all? Making use of others' sufferings for your own happiness. Read between the lines, maybe you know I'm talking about you, or maybe you don't. It doesn't matter, it's just a rant, and this isn't really targetted at anyone in particular.
You know, sometimes it's weird when someone you didn't even notice back then suddenly becomes someone that's constantly on your mind, and in a very bad way. Back then = 3 years or so. It sucks, and the worst of all, you didn't even have a say in it. It wasn't your choice. Like, A makes friends with someone you treasure a lot, and leads your loved one astray. A.
^_^
So it's 4.30am and I'm awake. I don't have to be early for school or anything later on. Yay!
I don't know what's going on in this world anymore. There're people that I wish I could get rid of, seriously. I don't even know why they want to act all familiar with me and shit when they're causing me so much trouble. Fucking hell I wish you would just get out of my life. I don't really know you anyway, and don't intend to know you that well. When you tried committing suicide, why didn't you die?
You aren't even 18, yet you're talking about stuff like loving someone forever, being just someone's tool, and whatnots. Get a hold of your hormones. Your friends are pretty cool too. "i wan euu shoo muchh butt i dunch thinkx euu wan mii animoree" Oh my god, my eyes. You talk about loving someone and shit, when you obviously have no love for your parents.
What the fuck is wrong with you all? Making use of others' sufferings for your own happiness. Read between the lines, maybe you know I'm talking about you, or maybe you don't. It doesn't matter, it's just a rant, and this isn't really targetted at anyone in particular.
You know, sometimes it's weird when someone you didn't even notice back then suddenly becomes someone that's constantly on your mind, and in a very bad way. Back then = 3 years or so. It sucks, and the worst of all, you didn't even have a say in it. It wasn't your choice. Like, A makes friends with someone you treasure a lot, and leads your loved one astray. A.
^_^
20050927
Die Forgotten.
Ok, the presentation got postponed till today =). I've more or less recovered, so yay! Wish me all the best for later =)!
I think it's a really sad thing to be forgotten, whether you're dead or not. It just sucks. I think. Let's say, you die. If you believe in a Heaven and a Hell, then good or bad for you, depending on which one you go to. If you end up in Heaven, you'd probably have peace and happiness for all of eternity (if eternity does exists). If you end up in Hell, too bad. I don't know if there's a Heaven or a Hell, but I do know when you die everything's gone. You know, all your dreams, your friends, your family, your everything. Actually they aren't gone, you're the one that's gone. Like, if there's an afterlife, you'll be seeing everyone crying for you. Mourning for you. Maybe they'll get over you after a while. Some might remember you, but some WILL forget you. What if the people who forget you are those you really hold dear? It's scary. If there's no afterlife, you'll just die, get eaten up by maggots, the end. I think. I don't know.
I don't know if I'm scared of death, but I'm sure I'm scared of being forgotten. Like I never existed. The sad thing is, I don't have to die to be forgotten. Some of my friends might just forget me one day, and I might also forget some of my friends.
All the friendship, the feelings, everyone, gone. To be forgotten is such a sad thing. It's like you never made any impact in his/her life. Whether you were there or not doesn't matter. Just another stranger. I don't know why I'm writing this either. I might forget I wrote this when I wake up. Seriously. If you don't remember it, it never happened. If no one remembers you, you never existed. Something like that, heard it before? I think it's quite true.
I think sometimes I just write plain crap.
I think it's a really sad thing to be forgotten, whether you're dead or not. It just sucks. I think. Let's say, you die. If you believe in a Heaven and a Hell, then good or bad for you, depending on which one you go to. If you end up in Heaven, you'd probably have peace and happiness for all of eternity (if eternity does exists). If you end up in Hell, too bad. I don't know if there's a Heaven or a Hell, but I do know when you die everything's gone. You know, all your dreams, your friends, your family, your everything. Actually they aren't gone, you're the one that's gone. Like, if there's an afterlife, you'll be seeing everyone crying for you. Mourning for you. Maybe they'll get over you after a while. Some might remember you, but some WILL forget you. What if the people who forget you are those you really hold dear? It's scary. If there's no afterlife, you'll just die, get eaten up by maggots, the end. I think. I don't know.
I don't know if I'm scared of death, but I'm sure I'm scared of being forgotten. Like I never existed. The sad thing is, I don't have to die to be forgotten. Some of my friends might just forget me one day, and I might also forget some of my friends.
All the friendship, the feelings, everyone, gone. To be forgotten is such a sad thing. It's like you never made any impact in his/her life. Whether you were there or not doesn't matter. Just another stranger. I don't know why I'm writing this either. I might forget I wrote this when I wake up. Seriously. If you don't remember it, it never happened. If no one remembers you, you never existed. Something like that, heard it before? I think it's quite true.
I think sometimes I just write plain crap.
20050926
Long Post... Maybe
It's 12.28am now, September 26. I think it's the day my SIP group has been looking forward to, wanting to get over and done with it as soon as possible. We'll be presenting to someone important later, and I don't know about the rest, but I'm pretty excited and worried at the same time. Anyway, after today, I think I will take a break from my SIP for a while. Probably a week at most. Whatever it is, please wish us all the best for the presentation!
It's been really tiring doing this project, but I've to admit, it's really fun and satisfying at the end of it all. I probably learnt more during this semester than any of the others added together. 3.1 was, and probably will remain, my busiest semester ever. You've your project, you've your club(s), you've your family (which isn't exactly going very well), you've your friends, and you've your personal life (which is going pretty well). So there you have it, some things good, some things bad, some things you just rather not give a damn about.
I've been giving my best to the project ever since it started, and I know some of my group members are too. It'll be really nice if we can complete everything. I don't know if I'm allowed to talk about what my project is about here, so I better not. Whatever it is, it's something really cool. So, tomorrow's finally the day, and I fall sick =(. The main point of this paragraph is, I really want to recover. I need to =P.
Ok, enough about my project. On to school life in general. Seriously, I hate it sometimes. SIP itself has already given me problems, but I'm able to deal with it properly, because it's something you already expect. I frequently have conflicts with one of my group members about how to go about coding/solving some stuff, but at the end of it all we fix the problem, and more importantly, we're still friends, and group members. You've some problems with your supervisors and lecturers, but that's fine with me also. Sometimes it's our fault, sometimes it's the upper management, but whatever it is, it's all good with me as long as it helps the project.
However, when you're getting problems and shit from things/people you're supposed to have fun with, it's really irritating. I don't want to go into details here, but some of my closer friends should know what I'm talking about. Whatever it is, don't force your ideas on others, just because you think it's wrong, or disrespectful, or whatever. First of all, you aren't involved, you simply saw it happening. Secondly, I hate being someone I'm not just to please you all. Lastly, if I can tolerate you behaving like someone you aren't just to please the rest, please show some basic respect for someone who's simply being himself and having fun.
Ok, I'm lazy to blog on. I just woke up a while ago, and I intend to get back to sleep soon. Good night people! Dumb dumb =P.
It's been really tiring doing this project, but I've to admit, it's really fun and satisfying at the end of it all. I probably learnt more during this semester than any of the others added together. 3.1 was, and probably will remain, my busiest semester ever. You've your project, you've your club(s), you've your family (which isn't exactly going very well), you've your friends, and you've your personal life (which is going pretty well). So there you have it, some things good, some things bad, some things you just rather not give a damn about.
I've been giving my best to the project ever since it started, and I know some of my group members are too. It'll be really nice if we can complete everything. I don't know if I'm allowed to talk about what my project is about here, so I better not. Whatever it is, it's something really cool. So, tomorrow's finally the day, and I fall sick =(. The main point of this paragraph is, I really want to recover. I need to =P.
Ok, enough about my project. On to school life in general. Seriously, I hate it sometimes. SIP itself has already given me problems, but I'm able to deal with it properly, because it's something you already expect. I frequently have conflicts with one of my group members about how to go about coding/solving some stuff, but at the end of it all we fix the problem, and more importantly, we're still friends, and group members. You've some problems with your supervisors and lecturers, but that's fine with me also. Sometimes it's our fault, sometimes it's the upper management, but whatever it is, it's all good with me as long as it helps the project.
However, when you're getting problems and shit from things/people you're supposed to have fun with, it's really irritating. I don't want to go into details here, but some of my closer friends should know what I'm talking about. Whatever it is, don't force your ideas on others, just because you think it's wrong, or disrespectful, or whatever. First of all, you aren't involved, you simply saw it happening. Secondly, I hate being someone I'm not just to please you all. Lastly, if I can tolerate you behaving like someone you aren't just to please the rest, please show some basic respect for someone who's simply being himself and having fun.
Ok, I'm lazy to blog on. I just woke up a while ago, and I intend to get back to sleep soon. Good night people! Dumb dumb =P.
20050913
Upd8
Ok I was supposed to sleep like 1.5 hours ago, but I've been relaxing and listening to songs instead. Anyway, I'm going to school in like 7 hours' time, and it's coding, coding, and more coding again. BUT, I'm also going to have fun! Why?
Firstly, we've already met the project objectives, so now it's mostly adding in more features. We'll be going down to Philips on Wednesday and Thursday to set-up the stuff, and also, we might have to present to them. Hopefully not! I personally would want to fine-tune and fix all the bugs before presenting. I don't want to present a buggy project =(. Anyway, I'm looking forward to coding and integrating and whatever tomorrow!
Secondly, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I'm going to Seoul Garden with my friends and her! Yay =P.
Ok, life's been pretty good to me recently =D. I wish I could work though =P. $_$
Lastly, enjoy the lyrics. I like Eric Clapton's version more, but =P.
Damage - Wonderful Tonight
Intro
Tonight, Tonight, Tonight
Tonight, Tonight, Tonight
Tonight, Tonight, Tonight
Verse 1
It’s late in the evening
She’s wondering what clothes to wear
She puts on her make-up
And brushes her long brown hair
And then she asks me
Do I look alright?
And I say yes
You look wonderful tonight
Du, lu, lu, lu..., oh, oh, oh, oh..., lu, lu, lu, lu..., lu, lu, lu, lu...
Verse 2
We go to a party
And everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady (Beautiful lady)
Who’s walkin' around with me, yeah...
And then she asks me
Do I feel alright?
(I say) And I say yes
I feel wonderful tonight
Tonight, Tonight, Tonight
Bridge
(Oh...) I feel wonderful
Because I see
The love that’s right in your eyes
And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize
How much I love you (I really do)
Verse 3
It’s time to go home now (Yes, it is)
And I’ve got an aching head
So I give her the car keys
And she helps me into bed
And then I tell her as I turn down the lights
I say, darling, you were wonderful tonight
Hey, hey..., I said, darling, you were wonderful tonight
Repeat/Fade Out
You look wonderful, you’re everything I need and more
You look wonderful, so beautiful tonight
You look wonderful, you never leave me wanting more
You look wonderful, so beautiful tonight
Source: http://www.lyrics4all.net/
Ok, good night! =)
Edit: I've changed the song to "I Caught Fire" by The Used.
Firstly, we've already met the project objectives, so now it's mostly adding in more features. We'll be going down to Philips on Wednesday and Thursday to set-up the stuff, and also, we might have to present to them. Hopefully not! I personally would want to fine-tune and fix all the bugs before presenting. I don't want to present a buggy project =(. Anyway, I'm looking forward to coding and integrating and whatever tomorrow!
Secondly, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I'm going to Seoul Garden with my friends and her! Yay =P.
Ok, life's been pretty good to me recently =D. I wish I could work though =P. $_$
Lastly, enjoy the lyrics. I like Eric Clapton's version more, but =P.
Damage - Wonderful Tonight
Intro
Tonight, Tonight, Tonight
Tonight, Tonight, Tonight
Tonight, Tonight, Tonight
Verse 1
It’s late in the evening
She’s wondering what clothes to wear
She puts on her make-up
And brushes her long brown hair
And then she asks me
Do I look alright?
And I say yes
You look wonderful tonight
Du, lu, lu, lu..., oh, oh, oh, oh..., lu, lu, lu, lu..., lu, lu, lu, lu...
Verse 2
We go to a party
And everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady (Beautiful lady)
Who’s walkin' around with me, yeah...
And then she asks me
Do I feel alright?
(I say) And I say yes
I feel wonderful tonight
Tonight, Tonight, Tonight
Bridge
(Oh...) I feel wonderful
Because I see
The love that’s right in your eyes
And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize
How much I love you (I really do)
Verse 3
It’s time to go home now (Yes, it is)
And I’ve got an aching head
So I give her the car keys
And she helps me into bed
And then I tell her as I turn down the lights
I say, darling, you were wonderful tonight
Hey, hey..., I said, darling, you were wonderful tonight
Repeat/Fade Out
You look wonderful, you’re everything I need and more
You look wonderful, so beautiful tonight
You look wonderful, you never leave me wanting more
You look wonderful, so beautiful tonight
Source: http://www.lyrics4all.net/
Ok, good night! =)
Edit: I've changed the song to "I Caught Fire" by The Used.
20050908
Happy Birthday To Myself *Updated*
Hello, it's finally my birthday =)! Thanks to all the following who have wished me so far =P.
Before 12am:
Murni
Judy
Maclean
Exactly At 12am =P:
Geri =P
After 12am:
Josephine
John
Poh Tiam
Nicholas
Terry
Kelvin
Aunt Alicia
Jeremy
Aunt Helen
Chin Ming
Joven
Hong Wen
Alan
Ethelyn
Hilmi
Asheeq
Yiren
Jie Yan
Dian
MUM AND DAD! & Sister!
To all those that I forgot, sorry! =P
^_^ I'm old and sad now =P.
Update (2.42am, Sep 9):
Anyway, I had a good birthday! I just found out from my mum that my Lunar birthday falls on the same day as my actual birthday this year. She says it happens once every 19 years or something. Although I didn't celebrate with any of my friends, I had a really great time with someone special =). Thanks for being so sweet! I love that video! =D
On another note, I'll probably be having a late celebration with Maclean and the rest sometime next week. Yay!
I'm 19 now! 19 years and 1 day old! =D
Before 12am:
Murni
Judy
Maclean
Exactly At 12am =P:
Geri =P
After 12am:
Josephine
John
Poh Tiam
Nicholas
Terry
Kelvin
Aunt Alicia
Jeremy
Aunt Helen
Chin Ming
Joven
Hong Wen
Alan
Ethelyn
Hilmi
Asheeq
Yiren
Jie Yan
Dian
MUM AND DAD! & Sister!
To all those that I forgot, sorry! =P
^_^ I'm old and sad now =P.
Update (2.42am, Sep 9):
Anyway, I had a good birthday! I just found out from my mum that my Lunar birthday falls on the same day as my actual birthday this year. She says it happens once every 19 years or something. Although I didn't celebrate with any of my friends, I had a really great time with someone special =). Thanks for being so sweet! I love that video! =D
On another note, I'll probably be having a late celebration with Maclean and the rest sometime next week. Yay!
I'm 19 now! 19 years and 1 day old! =D
20050906
Life + Lyrics
The school semester is finally over, SIP has officially ended, but I still have to return to school everyday to finish up my project. My group has to demonstrate a fully-working prototype by this Friday, September 9. Great! Exactly one day after my birthday. I can't even fully enjoy my birthday without any worries. Anyway, other than that, my life's been pretty good, school- and personal-wise.
Personal life's been going great =). <3
Family-wise, I don't really know what to say. My sister seems to be getting from bad to worse each day. She doesn't live with my mother and I anymore. By right, she should be living with my father. However, the truth is, she's not. She's treating my father's house as a hotel. Returning only to bathe and whatnots. It seems she got in touch with my maternal grandmother recently. I hate to say it, and I really feel sad when I think about it, but I feel she's only "keeping in touch" for money. Sigh. Sometimes I wonder why humans change so much within a span of a few months. Anyway, I hope she'll stop and wake up from whatever she's doing now and actually live. Instead of wasting her life away.
Anyway, enjoy the lyrics below. I really like both songs =).
The Used - I Caught Fire
Seemed to stop my breath
My head on your chest
Waiting to cave in
From the bottom of my...
Hear your voice again
Could we dim the sun
And wonder where we've been
Maybe you and me
So kiss me like you did
My heart stopped beating
Such a softer sin
(I'm melting, I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
Now
Never caught my breath
Every second I'm without you I'm a mess
Ever know each other
Trust these words are stones
why cuts aren't healing
Learning how to love
I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
(Stay with me lay with me now)
You could stay and watch me fall
And of course I'll ask for help
Just stay with me now
We could take our heads off
stay in bed and just make love that's all
Just stay with me now
I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
and I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
and I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me lay with me
(Stay with me, lay with me)
In your eyes
Let's sleep till the sun burns out
I'm melting in your eyes (I'm melting in your eyes)
In your eyes
Let's sleep till the sun burns out
I'm melting in your eyes
The Used - Let It Bleed
This poison’s my intoxication.
I broke the needle off in my skin.
Picked the scabs and pick the bleeding.
And assumed that it was all in vain.
A positive scab that's never healing.
Calloused hit me in the face.
A burning bridge thats's so misleading.
Poison’s more potent now with the flame.
Let it bleed.
And take the red for what it's worth, whoa.
Watch the fire.
Fill your lungs with smoke for the last time.
If you feel like dying, you might wanna sing.
The fire department couldn't drown the city.
They didn't even try to wash it clean.
What did you think, that I was sober?
Put me out cause I'm on fucking fire.
A positive scab that's never healing.
Regret that I kept this clean.
The most that I can do for you is keep on lying.
It's not a lie if you can let it sing.
Let it bleed.
And take the red for what it's worth, whoa.
Watch the fire.
Fill your lungs with smoke for the last time.
If you feel like dying you might wanna’ SING!
OH, OH, OH, OH YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
HA, HA, HA YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
HA, HA, YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
HA, HA SING!!!!!!!
YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
YOU MIGHT WANNA SING OR SCREAM IT!!
This poison’s my intoxication.
I broke the needle off in my skin.
Picked the scabs and picked the bleeding.
Yeah, assume that it was all in vain.
Let it bleed.
And take the red for what it's worth, whoa.
Watch the fire.
Momma fill your lungs with smoke for the last time.
If you feel like dying.
If you feel like dying.
If you feel like dying, you might wanna’ SING!
HA, HA, HA YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
HA, YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
YOU MIGHT WANNA SING OR SCREAM IT!!!!
Source: http://www.sing365.com/
Personal life's been going great =). <3
Family-wise, I don't really know what to say. My sister seems to be getting from bad to worse each day. She doesn't live with my mother and I anymore. By right, she should be living with my father. However, the truth is, she's not. She's treating my father's house as a hotel. Returning only to bathe and whatnots. It seems she got in touch with my maternal grandmother recently. I hate to say it, and I really feel sad when I think about it, but I feel she's only "keeping in touch" for money. Sigh. Sometimes I wonder why humans change so much within a span of a few months. Anyway, I hope she'll stop and wake up from whatever she's doing now and actually live. Instead of wasting her life away.
Anyway, enjoy the lyrics below. I really like both songs =).
The Used - I Caught Fire
Seemed to stop my breath
My head on your chest
Waiting to cave in
From the bottom of my...
Hear your voice again
Could we dim the sun
And wonder where we've been
Maybe you and me
So kiss me like you did
My heart stopped beating
Such a softer sin
(I'm melting, I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
Now
Never caught my breath
Every second I'm without you I'm a mess
Ever know each other
Trust these words are stones
why cuts aren't healing
Learning how to love
I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
(Stay with me lay with me now)
You could stay and watch me fall
And of course I'll ask for help
Just stay with me now
We could take our heads off
stay in bed and just make love that's all
Just stay with me now
I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
and I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
and I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me lay with me
(Stay with me, lay with me)
In your eyes
Let's sleep till the sun burns out
I'm melting in your eyes (I'm melting in your eyes)
In your eyes
Let's sleep till the sun burns out
I'm melting in your eyes
The Used - Let It Bleed
This poison’s my intoxication.
I broke the needle off in my skin.
Picked the scabs and pick the bleeding.
And assumed that it was all in vain.
A positive scab that's never healing.
Calloused hit me in the face.
A burning bridge thats's so misleading.
Poison’s more potent now with the flame.
Let it bleed.
And take the red for what it's worth, whoa.
Watch the fire.
Fill your lungs with smoke for the last time.
If you feel like dying, you might wanna sing.
The fire department couldn't drown the city.
They didn't even try to wash it clean.
What did you think, that I was sober?
Put me out cause I'm on fucking fire.
A positive scab that's never healing.
Regret that I kept this clean.
The most that I can do for you is keep on lying.
It's not a lie if you can let it sing.
Let it bleed.
And take the red for what it's worth, whoa.
Watch the fire.
Fill your lungs with smoke for the last time.
If you feel like dying you might wanna’ SING!
OH, OH, OH, OH YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
HA, HA, HA YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
HA, HA, YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
HA, HA SING!!!!!!!
YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
YOU MIGHT WANNA SING OR SCREAM IT!!
This poison’s my intoxication.
I broke the needle off in my skin.
Picked the scabs and picked the bleeding.
Yeah, assume that it was all in vain.
Let it bleed.
And take the red for what it's worth, whoa.
Watch the fire.
Momma fill your lungs with smoke for the last time.
If you feel like dying.
If you feel like dying.
If you feel like dying, you might wanna’ SING!
HA, HA, HA YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
HA, YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
YOU MIGHT WANNA SING OR SCREAM IT!!!!
Source: http://www.sing365.com/
20050826
^_^
It's been a while since I actually felt like blogging. Anyway, my father passed me this "Transforming Problems Into The Path" book recently. As you can guess from the title, it's mostly about Buddhism. While I'm a Buddhist, I don't think I'm devoted enough to call myself one. Back to topic, the book's really nice. Anyway, there's this part in the book that I really like (I haven't finished reading it, just 1/4 through).
[Start]
HOW ATTACHMENT ARISES
First of all, we see somebody and we feel he or she is so wonderful. This person is super, this person is the best, most perfect. In our attachment, we exaggerate that person’s qualities. We think that everything they do… the way they walk, the sound of their voice, everything they do, the way they eat is so special, so beautiful. (Laughter) We see no wrong. Our mind paints this picture and we believe in it. And probably they do the same to us – in their eyes, we achieve a godlike
status. (Laughter)
When we get together and start doing things and sharing things together, we want our partner to conform to our selfish and incorrect projections that we have put on them. We begin to feel that they are not perfect, they do not behave in the way we would like them to behave, from our point of view.
So we start to impose ourselves upon them, to try and force them to act in a way more suitable to our preconception about how they should be. And they are doing the same to us – we are no longer a wonderful person in their eyes either.
Through familiarity, they are beginning to see our faults. They are getting a bit edgy, and trying to get us to change our ways so that we will conform to their image of how they think their partner should be.
You can see the recipe for disaster now. We start to feel that we are being constrained, this person is suffocating us. “Let me do what I want!” And so the small arguments start. And bigger arguments follow.
SELF-CENTRED ATTACHMENT
This disaster in our relationship arises because we are self-centred in our original attachment. When we see the person as being so perfect, it means this person is so perfect for me. We actually incorporate this person into our ego, our self-identity. Psychologically, we try to make this person an expression of ourselves.. This is so selfcentred. We give them no space to be an individual, to have different thoughts, to do things the way they want. This is an incredible recipe for fighting, because they are doing the same to us.
So, unhappily, because of our self-centredness and our inflexibility, we will not budge. A little bit perhaps, but in big things we will not accommodate their wishes. So there is disenchantment in our attachment, which we call love. Then we begin to move away from each other. Although actually there is love and some fondness for each other, this is contaminated by our attachment, our ignorant exaggeration of the qualities of the other and grasping at them. We begin to move away.
If we do not have skill, we start to dislike each other. Then, certainly, one of us, or both of us – usually it is one of us, which is very sad, – swings to the other extreme of hating, and the object of attachment is now suddenly an enemy, a devil.
Instead of being a god, now everything they do is bad. We do not like the way they walk. We do not like the way they breathe. The way they cough. The way they brush their teeth.
SWINGING FROM ATTACHMENT TO AVERSION
We think, “They are doing it to hurt us, to make us suffer.” This is what our mind does. Maybe I am talking in extremes, but it does happen this way.
Now our mind flips from attachment to aversion. We go overboard, we see them as totally bad, totally negative. We do not ever want to see them again. But this is the same person we thought we could never be happy without, just a few months earlier.
This is selfishness, this is preoccupation with “Me,” and “My Happiness.” It is an absence of love, an absence of wisdom, and absence of compassion. It is a selfishness which is the root of relationship problems, of all our problems.
GIVING UP OUR SELF-CHERISHING
The only cure for selfishness and self-cherishing is cherishing others. In loving others universally and having compassion for them, we forget about ourselves.
It is not suppressing what we need. We just forget about ourselves because, paradoxically, if we give up our selfish pursuit of things, people automatically love us.
If we have sincere affection for somebody, they embrace us. They want to be always with us. If we have sincere compassion and kindness, then everybody feels comfortable in our company, so we always have friends. People will want to help us, if we are in trouble. If we are trying to do something, and if we are known to have a kind heart, then people will have great joy in helping us.
So the paradox is this – we give up this neurotic pre-occupation with “Me”, “Poor me”, “My happiness”, “I need a relationship”, “I need this”, “I need that”. By abandoning this, we receive. And it is the very “I need”, “I want”, “I must have” that is pushing people away, pushing happiness away.
[End]
Anyway, you can get the eBook from here
On another note, I've been really busy recently =(. To a certain someone, thanks for being so understanding =P. Hehe.
[Start]
HOW ATTACHMENT ARISES
First of all, we see somebody and we feel he or she is so wonderful. This person is super, this person is the best, most perfect. In our attachment, we exaggerate that person’s qualities. We think that everything they do… the way they walk, the sound of their voice, everything they do, the way they eat is so special, so beautiful. (Laughter) We see no wrong. Our mind paints this picture and we believe in it. And probably they do the same to us – in their eyes, we achieve a godlike
status. (Laughter)
When we get together and start doing things and sharing things together, we want our partner to conform to our selfish and incorrect projections that we have put on them. We begin to feel that they are not perfect, they do not behave in the way we would like them to behave, from our point of view.
So we start to impose ourselves upon them, to try and force them to act in a way more suitable to our preconception about how they should be. And they are doing the same to us – we are no longer a wonderful person in their eyes either.
Through familiarity, they are beginning to see our faults. They are getting a bit edgy, and trying to get us to change our ways so that we will conform to their image of how they think their partner should be.
You can see the recipe for disaster now. We start to feel that we are being constrained, this person is suffocating us. “Let me do what I want!” And so the small arguments start. And bigger arguments follow.
SELF-CENTRED ATTACHMENT
This disaster in our relationship arises because we are self-centred in our original attachment. When we see the person as being so perfect, it means this person is so perfect for me. We actually incorporate this person into our ego, our self-identity. Psychologically, we try to make this person an expression of ourselves.. This is so selfcentred. We give them no space to be an individual, to have different thoughts, to do things the way they want. This is an incredible recipe for fighting, because they are doing the same to us.
So, unhappily, because of our self-centredness and our inflexibility, we will not budge. A little bit perhaps, but in big things we will not accommodate their wishes. So there is disenchantment in our attachment, which we call love. Then we begin to move away from each other. Although actually there is love and some fondness for each other, this is contaminated by our attachment, our ignorant exaggeration of the qualities of the other and grasping at them. We begin to move away.
If we do not have skill, we start to dislike each other. Then, certainly, one of us, or both of us – usually it is one of us, which is very sad, – swings to the other extreme of hating, and the object of attachment is now suddenly an enemy, a devil.
Instead of being a god, now everything they do is bad. We do not like the way they walk. We do not like the way they breathe. The way they cough. The way they brush their teeth.
SWINGING FROM ATTACHMENT TO AVERSION
We think, “They are doing it to hurt us, to make us suffer.” This is what our mind does. Maybe I am talking in extremes, but it does happen this way.
Now our mind flips from attachment to aversion. We go overboard, we see them as totally bad, totally negative. We do not ever want to see them again. But this is the same person we thought we could never be happy without, just a few months earlier.
This is selfishness, this is preoccupation with “Me,” and “My Happiness.” It is an absence of love, an absence of wisdom, and absence of compassion. It is a selfishness which is the root of relationship problems, of all our problems.
GIVING UP OUR SELF-CHERISHING
The only cure for selfishness and self-cherishing is cherishing others. In loving others universally and having compassion for them, we forget about ourselves.
It is not suppressing what we need. We just forget about ourselves because, paradoxically, if we give up our selfish pursuit of things, people automatically love us.
If we have sincere affection for somebody, they embrace us. They want to be always with us. If we have sincere compassion and kindness, then everybody feels comfortable in our company, so we always have friends. People will want to help us, if we are in trouble. If we are trying to do something, and if we are known to have a kind heart, then people will have great joy in helping us.
So the paradox is this – we give up this neurotic pre-occupation with “Me”, “Poor me”, “My happiness”, “I need a relationship”, “I need this”, “I need that”. By abandoning this, we receive. And it is the very “I need”, “I want”, “I must have” that is pushing people away, pushing happiness away.
[End]
Anyway, you can get the eBook from here
On another note, I've been really busy recently =(. To a certain someone, thanks for being so understanding =P. Hehe.
20050823
I've been screwing things up recently, damn. Since the day I could actually say "Happy Birthday" to my mother, I've never once missed it. Yet, I missed it this year. It's today, and it totally slipped my mind. As in, totally. In the past, no matter how busy I was, I would always somehow manage to remember, and get her a small gift at the very least. This time round, I didn't remember, till she jokingly asked "Where's my present?" I even had the audacity to ask her, "What present?" Then I remembered, it's the 23rd of August, it's my mother's birthday. Even my sister wished her. I'm ungrateful, seriously.
Come to think of it, all I did on my father's birthday was to call and wish him.
Then there's my sister, who's currently staying at my father's place. I've never been a good brother to her, I guess. If I had tried a little harder, she might have turned out much better.
I don't know what else to say. Even if I did I don't feel like typing on. To my family, though they'll never read this, I'm sorry. I sort of hate being so busy with school now.
Come to think of it, all I did on my father's birthday was to call and wish him.
Then there's my sister, who's currently staying at my father's place. I've never been a good brother to her, I guess. If I had tried a little harder, she might have turned out much better.
I don't know what else to say. Even if I did I don't feel like typing on. To my family, though they'll never read this, I'm sorry. I sort of hate being so busy with school now.
20050803
For An Idiot
Damn it, when did I become a gift?
So I'm the present, and we're the future? =P
I've no idea if it's "mooshy" or "marshy",
But I know for sure you're very mushy =X
And when I looked into your eyes on that every night
Everything around me suddenly felt so right
Sorry that I can't always accompany you
But hey, I'll never stop missing you
It was fun being funny and seeing you laugh
Wondering if I was being too crude or rough
If you love my laugh and smile
I don't mind going that extra mile
Every night before I go to sleep
I think of how you'll look asleep
And every time I suddenly sneeze
I know, it's because it's me you miss =P
So please don't worry about making me mad
I might have a temper, but it's not that bad
When you think back on that very day
Know that I'm missing you in every way
Damn it, it's really hard to rhyme
So I'm just going to try harder next time
- August 3, 2005
So I'm the present, and we're the future? =P
I've no idea if it's "mooshy" or "marshy",
But I know for sure you're very mushy =X
And when I looked into your eyes on that every night
Everything around me suddenly felt so right
Sorry that I can't always accompany you
But hey, I'll never stop missing you
It was fun being funny and seeing you laugh
Wondering if I was being too crude or rough
If you love my laugh and smile
I don't mind going that extra mile
Every night before I go to sleep
I think of how you'll look asleep
And every time I suddenly sneeze
I know, it's because it's me you miss =P
So please don't worry about making me mad
I might have a temper, but it's not that bad
When you think back on that very day
Know that I'm missing you in every way
Damn it, it's really hard to rhyme
So I'm just going to try harder next time
- August 3, 2005
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