20080925

Rant

I hate my (school) life the way it is now, I wish it wasn't like this, but I don't have much of a choice now. I'm supposed to be enjoying myself now, because I was supposed to go Zouk with some of my friends, but here I am, blogging, and ranting, after writing approximately 70% of a 2000-word essay.

I don't particularly care about nightlife, nor clubbing for that matter. I care about relaxing, about having some time for myself, and more importantly, having a damn life. But no, I haven't had such a chance at all. In fact, I feel so busy and stupid that even blogging seems like a complete waste of time now, and the only f*cking reason I'm doing so is because I don't know how to continue the essay. This is not the life I envisioned, and everything just seems to be getting worse each day. I remember what one of my professors said during one of the talks before school started. He said he always gets As, and that one of his friends was the so-called slack one, as in he didn't do well, but really enjoyed University life. Anyway, he goes on to say that all he is now is just a professor, while his "slack" friend is now doing very well in life, running his own business and all. I remember he ended his talk with something like, "Don't be a loser, enjoy your uni life." I think he meant it to a certain extent, although it might seem like a joke at that point in time.

You know what? I fully agree. I miss my poly life. Yes, a lot of people say poly life is slack, bla bla bla. Well, I say, it's precisely because you all think this way, and that's why you didn't score during poly. Poly life can be slack, but you can choose to put in your effort and do well. And I frigging did. I put in my effort, I did well, and most importantly, I ENJOYED MYSELF. Not because I got results of straight As, or distinctions, but because poly life was fun in itself. Despite putting in effort to study, I still had the time to play, to join CCAs. Yup, CCAs, I enjoyed running my club, and I appreciate the wonderful members I had. Yes, there was f*cking politics, which till today, I'm quite lost as to what really happen. But you know what? I don't give a f*ck about some guy who chose to abandon his brothers over one girl. Nor do I give a f*ck about someone who only cares about his grades, someone who can sacrifice his friendships just to be in a lecturer's good shoes. I cared about my wonderful friends, about the occasional drinking sessions we'd have in school, about the events we ran together, about the daily ogling and chasing at girls, about the once-in-a-blue-moon guys heart-to-heart talk. I cared about living my life.

I didn't have a wonderful secondary school life, especially during upper secondary, due to the amount of family issues and whatever. I took all that negative energy, and told myself to put it to good use during poly, and I did. I enjoyed poly life so much that I went back to help out after I graduated, that till today the bunch of idiots I mixed around with are still my good friends, that we still crack the same jokes and it still makes us laugh, that I can't help but feel sad when I think and know that in future we're going to change and drift further apart.

During NS, I still had time for them. For Geri, and also for my family. Yes, it wasn't much, but there was time. No matter how busy I was, I could always find time for them. At the very least, when I do spend time with them, I didn't have to think about ANYTHING ELSE.

Then came uni life, and I'm utterly defeated by it. Yes, I could probably not give a damn, and maybe aim for an average CAP, but that's not what I want. Why is it that I'm finding it so f*cking hard to manage my time? Why is it that the only time people bother to make friends or talk to you is when they need help? What the f*ck. When you frigging needed help I tried to be there, no matter how busy I was. But when I needed help you weren't even around. Screw you all.

I don't really care anymore. I've realised there're bound to be sacrifices on this path I've chosen, or rather, been forced to choose. And I'm going to walk it, come out of it alive, and if there are things I must do, I will do it, somehow. I hate how abstract this f*cking post is, I hate how much I cannot say, and I hate the way my (school) life is. This mugging, this frigging culture, this is bullshit.

I wish I could type like this for my essay, you know? But I can't. This life just isn't what I envisioned. Nothing close to it at all. Where's the fun in school, when all you do is study? There's no free time at all, if you spend your free time with schoolwork idling at the back of your mind.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm not up to it. F*ck.

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