20050228

Smile...?

In case most of you haven't noticed by now, the most serious of stuff are always NOT posted here. Even if they are, it would always be very vague, and tend to NOT be directed at anyone at all. Why? It's because I still need some privacy. Some things about me are better off left unknown. Why then do I public write "letters" to her? It's because if I ever try talking to her, she'll think I'm trying to chase her back. If I ever try sms-ing her, she'll surely reply me one-worded answers. And yes, I've tried both. On the other hand, if I post it here, there's a one in a million chance she'll read it. Even then, if she does, at the very least, I don't get to hear her reply. I don't want it. I just want her to know and keep quiet about it. What's over, should remain over.

Just this once, there'll be an exception. It's about my family. I almost feel no happiness at all at home. No, I'm not whining. I'm trying very hard every day to feel happy at home. My mother is very loving to me. Really. Ask all my close friends, they would agree. Without her, I don't know where I would be today. Even then, I quarrelled with her back then, over Her. It's a mistake I made, a mistake I can't forgive myself for. I always avoid quarrelling with her, because the words I say while in a state of anger will always hurt. Always. Thus, when she scolds me, I always try to laugh it off. I put on a smiling face at home whenever she's around.

My father is a really nice person too. He always tries his best to give me what I want. Moreover, till today, he hasn't really forgiven himself for the divorce. Back then, it was him who always told me not to lose my temper at Her. He always reminds me to treat girls with respect. Although he supposedly had many girlfriends, he always reminds me of that. No idea why. Also, whenever my mother loses her temper at him over the phone or whatever, he always keeps his cool. He's really changed a lot for the better over the years.

However, whenever I look at the both of them, I can't help but feel sad. That good people always have it bad.

On to myself, I know I'm not the person some of you used to know. Sorry. Especially to the people I've been nice and all to, well, I'm sorry. Nice isn't a word you can use on me. I chose to concern myself with my girlfriend more than my family at times when my family really needed me. That's not nice at all. To the people I've been behaving like a fucked-up to, here's why... Some of you are just plain irritating. But there're some of you who don't deserve all these. Sorry. My father and mother keeps on telling me not to concern myself with my family issues, I wonder how I can do that...

On to my sister. She's nice and all. Sometimes she treats me like a brother, sometimes she doesn't even bother. I've no idea what she's trying to do. No idea why she always seems to be tearing my parents apart even more. She's said really hurting stuff to both of them. Nevertheless, I think she's still affected by the divorce. Moreover, she feels my mother loves me more than her, which is so untrue. Of the many times both of you went to Malaysia, there were times I wasn't even asked. She almost always buys things for you each time she goes shopping. While I do get some expensive stuff from her once in a while, how often does it happen? It's the thought that counts. My father once told me that he dotes on her more than me too. I understand why he's like that though, and I don't blame him.

So to my younger sister, please wake up. The world doesn't owe you anything. Words don't mean a thing. You say you're trying to change your attitude, but look at your actions. It's 2am, and you're still not home. I hope father knocks some sense into you. Or "Papa", as both of us call him. I talked to you, and you seemed like I owed you something. I know for sure, I'm a lousy brother. Sorry. But please try to appreciate the people who truly dote on you, like Mummy and Papa. You really think Mummy's sleeping right now? She's probably crying. She will probably do so till she goes to work in the morning. Papa will surely result to drinking after putting down the phone with you. Please spare a thought for others. I know Mummy doesn't treat you well sometimes, but she doesn't exactly treat me well all the time. See for yourself... Stop being so stubborn.

And to those people who still insist I'm playing games with you, do you honestly think I've the time to do that? The only game I've ever played is with myself. Get that into your head.

To a friend whose post I've just read, cheer up! Get yourself Bonked! Haha =).

After everything I've been through, I'm still standing. But teach me how to believe in a God? Really. I wish I could have some faith. Having some faith would surely help, but I can't believe in anything...

20050225

The Last Bit of Conscience

Dear Girl,

I've no idea what happened to you, from the time you told me you didn't want to go on, till now. All these while, I really thought I've already let go of you. In a way, I have. But why do I worry and feel sad every time I think about you?

For me to find out what's on your mind on Chinese New Year Eve is bad enough, but to think everything actually ended on the very first day of CNY. You said you didn't want to tel me till after the CNY. You always say these kind of things, sometimes I wonder how much of it is true. Even then, I kept quiet. You probably didn't even feel a thing by then. You were enjoying yourself at some KTV later that night, with your cousins. On Chinese New Year.

I wanted to believe that at that time, you're still the sweet girl I knew. I blindly held on to that belief since that day, no matter how much I was trying to let go. Thankfully, I had the Open House 2005 event on hand, and as such, I was quite busy to even think about anything. So I basically kept myself occupied, and avoided all these emotional bullshit.

But as the event came close, I realised I wasn't exactly looking forward to Saturday (19th Feb). Because back then, we made a "promise". You would be coming with your friends, and I said I would try to find you if I can. And true enough, on the 19th, you walked right past me, after waving to Maclean. Why I did not see you is a mystery. Why you didn't see me is equally strange. As much as I wanted to forget you, I went ahead and said "Hi" to you, talked to you and whatnots. As much as I kept smiling, I HATE TO ADMIT, but I was slowly breaking down inside. You even said you haven't fully let go, and whatnots. I don't know what you're trying to do.

Even then, I had to go on running the event. Thankfully I managed to throw away all these unnecessary emotions and focused on my event instead. When you left, you didn't even give a call to say a thing. As fate would have it, I saw you at the Entrance/Exit, and waved to you. You simply waved back and left.

Since that day, I've been living in a dream. A dream in which I completely stop thinking about all these stuff. Yet around 2 days ago, you had to come online and talk to me. I was happy for a moment. But then I realised you really... Have changed. You told me guys are superficial, that you won't be going to New York for your ballet anymore, and whatnots. I asked you why you're saying all those stuffs, and all you could say was "I was reading magazines, then realised some guys are really superficial.", "My parents were saying NY is too dangerous.", "Maybe I'm going to take Law."

I'm hearing all these from a girl who could once give up everything for her dream, to become a successful ballet teacher. And why are you saying guys are superficial? Just because the fucking magazines said so? Have some backbone of your own, please. Why are you throwing away your dreams?

I won't say anymore. I really hope this will be the last post I ever make of you. Why? Because as nice as you were, you probably don't care anymore. No words can describe this fucked up feeling. Just want to wish you all the best in life. I'll always be here as a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. Dreams were always meant to be dreams, hope always fails. I wish I could believe in people again, it would make things so much easier. But when I believe, I always get betrayed. Always.

Just take care =).

...

Sigh, it seems things aren't over yet. I'm beginning to wonder what the talk yesterday was for. There're some things I can do, and some things I can't. However, when the people involved aren't even willing to voice out their opinions, how am I supposed to know what's on their mind? I don't even know what's going on in their minds, how can I do anything at all?

I'm tired, really. What do most of you know? I'm skipping my Arts Appreciation tutorial with Gregory tomorrow, just to go for a club meeting. Even then, I get stupid comments from people who don't even know what's going on. Thank you very much. You just destroyed a lot of happiness and whatnots I've been feeling recently. A feeling I haven't felt for a long time. I honestly have no idea what to say. I even made it clear, "Whatever is said inside here stays inside here." I asked for all of you to be honest, to just thrash things out. Yet you kept your mouth shut, only to talk shit behind my back. You aren't even close to me.

When everything ends, I'll just remember, the one who chose to threw away everything wasn't me. It was you all.

On a lighter note, click here for a video I recorded of my friends doing stupid things. Really stupid. The quality isn't as good as it should be as I've converted it from a .mov to a .mpg. Haha. Have fun!

Sexciting Club

I was talking online with Raj, Gregory, and Evelyn, and this thought struck my mind. Instead of having students from all over Singapore trying to do hanky panky stuffs in all the little areas, which we all know are common, why not form a club that finds the TRULY SECRET areas, and let these students know?

We all know the common places. Stairs, buses, MRTs. I name it, you KNOW it. Isn't it disturbing to see such stuffs in public? Even worse, and BE HONEST, if you're with your girlfriend, you sort of lose control after seeing these stuffs. Moreover, these incidents will taint the purest of minds and hearts, such as I was.

As such, I propose to have a club with the name of "Sexciting Club". Why "sexciting"? Because, to most people, sex is exciting. Doing in the most public of places add to the thrill. However, the main reason is the EXCITING nature of being a MEMBER.

What do you have to do as a member? Firstly, you'll be assigned to a particular region of Singapore, AND SCOUT the area completely for a "secret spot". Of course, you'll have a partner of the opposite sex with you, so you can test out how good that spot really is. The rule is, THE PLACE MUST NOT BE A BUSY PLACE. Why? OUR SLOGAN IS:

"Protect the innocent, please the corrupted."

So you see, we're doing this with the objective to help others, and to a large extent, make everyone happy.

Back on topic, after finding and testing a particular "secret spot", you'll then have to report to ME, as I'm the founder of the club. I'll then personally go down to that "secret spot" with one of my personal twenty girls, and test that area out. Areas will then be graded accordingly. The ones with the best grades will belong only to us, MY MEMBERS! What about the other areas?

Well, the other areas will be made known to the public through the use of monthly newsletters. They must subscribe and contribute a yearly fee of just $10. Active members will be promoted into the executive committee, and become my direct subordinate. Useless members will be given faked newsletters that will surely result in them getting dumped by their partner.

IS THIS NOT A GOOD IDEA?

For people who're interested in joining, feel free to leave a message in my tagboard with your contact details. Even better, submit a "secret spot" to me and you'll automatically be enlisted. Of course, show yourself doing what you did at the "secret spot" so I know what you look like. Videos and photographs are both accepted.

20050224

?

What if...
The person you love hates you?
The person you hate loves you?
The person telling you to cheer up is actually the one bringing you down?
The person you are trying to cheer up was brought down by you?
The person you trust is the one betraying you?
The person you betrayed actually trusts you?
The person you considered a friend stole your girlfriend?
The person you call "Darling" is seeing someone behind your back?
The person writing this is actually mentally unstable?

20050223

Turmoil

Everytime I see you or your friends online, I really wonder how you are. But I bet you don't even care. Honestly. ~!@#$%^&*()

Whatever. I'm bored. Fuck. I need to do something about this life. It's getting meaningless.

Memories exist to remind you of all the bad times in your life. So that in the end, you know you've led a bad life, and that you're ready for Hell. Life is the training, Hell is the destination.

Do you even know when I'm being serious? You can't know or it will destroy everything.

20050222

UnitedX

I thought things were fine yesterday night? After all the talking and promises, you went ahead and do things you warned me not to. You were supposed to talk to him to settle stuff today, but did you? Instead, I saw you mixing with people I thought were friends. I don't remember doing anything to them, but all of them gave me the cold shoulder. Just because you want to "LIVE A NEW LIFE", you're breaking up more friendships than needed. It's fine with me, because from this I can see who're the real friends. But you don't even keep your word.

Why is she involved? I wonder. Honestly, someone who has only heard one side of the story should keep quiet. Don't side someone for no reason just because he's your boyfriend. And both of you, lovely couple, think I'm playing you all? Manipulator? STOP WATCHING YOUR MOVIES AND WAKE UP. The whole incident is nothing at all. Just got to talk through things, but Miss, you're saying that talking through things is useless because if it works it would have a long time ago. So in this case, are you giving up hope on us? Or are we giving up hope on you. One year in age difference is nothing, but I will willingly compare what I've been through with you. I know friends who've been to Hell and back. Don't act all-knowing, seriously. I don't respect girls the way I did back then. Unless you're someone important.

I'm playing you, eh? I'm not the manipulator? I used to think this way back then, but in this end, it's all based on assumption. Why don't you pull yourself out of the picture and see for yourself how things really are? The ones running away are the two of you. You even said that yourself to me over the phone. About being a coward and not wanting to do anything about it.

When I saw your blog, I thought of giving this circle of "FRIENDS" one more try. I swear to whatever God you believe in. But hey, you chose to destroy it, in spite of what you said last night.

This will hopefully be the last time I make posts like this. You, as a friend, are disappointing. Giving me your word around 2am last night, and breaking it the moment I see you in school. Honestly. If you think I'm wrong, find me personally. I will willingly tell you whatever I've done, or not done. Don't listen to your newfound friends. Lastly, thanks for making me an outcast. Go on sitting, go on whining. And to the Miss, if you're truly unhappy, please clear your ALREADY BIASED mind before talking to me, or sms-ing me. Bugis. Lol... ^_^. HDKs, I MIGHT NEED YOUR HELP SOON! LOL. Have a good day people =).

20050221

Time & Tide Wait For No Man

I was a dreamer. Always been. Still am one I guess. Time changes everything. But I won't let go of my dreams, no matter what. Don't whine, move on, I always tell myself. Sitting down and complaining about how bad your life is will get you nowhere. Friends can console you, but that's about it. They can help you. But are you willing to help yourself?

When you start sharing dreams with someone, that someone because a part of your a life. A piece of the puzzle known as life. Without it, you feel incomplete. The person who can give you the greatest happiness, can also bring your world down in a single moment. You can be as strong as you want to, as cold as you want to, but if there's someone important to you, you'll always melt for him/her. You can lie to yourself, tell yourself that you can stand strong alone, but every single night, as you prepare to sleep, you just wish there was someone to share your dreams with. Someone special. Friends are special. But why can't you share anything with them? I don't know. I think that's why "love" was made.

I don't know what the hell I'm writing here, I'm just trying to kill time. I used to reflect on my actions whenever I can, but lately, I've been avoiding that. I don't want to trouble myself with unnecessary thoughts. No matter what bullshit I come up with, I can't change the image of her that's already in my mind. Just a simple sweet girl. Even if that isn't the truth, I can't change a shit. What is truth? Truth is but what you choose to believe in. People used to believe that the Earth is flat, that the Sun revolves around the Earth. Is that the truth now? Everything's but a dream. To wake up from a dream is bad. It doesn't matter if it's a good or bad dream, but to wake up in the middle of a dream is bad. It pulls you back to reality, and you can only feel helpless and lost.

I'm cold by nature, my parents say. My father even says my eyes are filled with hate. Interesting. I don't know what I am to you all. Maybe I'm a friend, maybe an enemy, maybe just a tool. I KNOW I am a tool to some people already. Finding me only when they need help. This is the world I live in. This society, I hate it. I don't want to be part of this society. Materialistic world. Go sleep with your money. I'm thankful for a couple of friends. Really. In spite of the troubles we've or haven't been through, we are still able to laugh and talk when everything's over. In spite of all the misunderstandings. Forgiving is a virtue. But I can't forgive myself for a lot of things.

I'm not a good brother to my younger sister. She never listens to me. Even worse, she has UTTERLY no respect for my parents. I'm sad, but I can't do anything. Maybe one day she'll learn something...

I've some really good friends that I don't treasure. Sorry. When I thought you've forgotten about me already, you gave me an sms that meant a lot to me. It was sweet. I've some friends who were always there, but even then I feel alone. Maybe I'm really born into the wrong world. The world isn't wrong, maybe I'm the one who's wrong.

I'm not filial to my parents either.

I hate being wrong. I hate losing. But time and again, I've lost to myself. Every single time I see a flicker of hope, I get excited. I hold on to the hope, tighter and tigher, until the flame vanishes. Why? Even though I already know what the result will be. You're a sweet girl, really. I'm the one who's tainted you. For every single person that has been close to me, they've all been hurt.

Wherever I go, I bring along darkness. Sadness. All the negative emotions. Even when I smile, it's just a facade. BUT I really do enjoy the times I've laughed together with my friends. It's really fun. Sometimes I laugh so much I forget about everything else. Some people have labelled me as "Demon", "Evil", etc. I won't stop you, because you're partially right. For every girl that I've made a friend with, I wonder how much of her is pure. For every guy that's been a friend, I've doubted you before.

I don't like lying. I can't hide stuff well. But that's just me. Dreams are fragile, once shattered, they will never be the same again. Hope has always failed me. Always. I never once expected anyone to do anything for me, I've always worked hard for what I want. Sometimes, just a little miracle... will do... Just a little light in this darkness. A sword belongs to its sheath. Always. Once the sheath is gone, the sword has no home...

When you see the blood drip, do you get excited? You're about to leave this world to enter the next. What if there's no next world? Are you going to just die and be forgotten? Humans don't die as long as they're remembered. That's why the world "immortalized" exists. But if you're forgotten, what will you do? What CAN you do? When your heart finally stops beating, when you finally stop breathing, how many people will cry for you? FOR you. Or will they cry for themselves? Have you ever cried for someone else?

Are you living, or dying? When all hope's already gone, why did you still go on? Belief? Faith? Having faith will really make things better, but I can't believe in anything. I can't believe in WORDS. Words are just words. Without the actions, words are nothing. Shatter like a glass... I don't even know who I am anymore. My thoughts change so often... I'm lost. Well, I've always been lost.

Recent Events Out Of School

Alright, back to personal life for a moment. My father MADE the drawer WRONGLY! Argh. Now it's back to waiting =(. However, on the bright side, I've arranged all my cables neatly, and bundled them nicely together. I don't know what that thing is called, but it basically "wraps" around all your wires. Thanks to my friends for the suggestion. Haha.

So yup, that's it. Got to know a few friends from the E-Guides too. Nice people ^_^.

20050220

Undefined

I don't know what I want at all. Damn. I think about the future so much, I've lost touch with the present. Someone guide me. I hate the way I am now. Yet there's nothing I can do.

Untitled
How can you just leave me behind?
After all that's been said and done
All that's been promised and kept
And all that's been promised and broken

How could you just walk away?
You said you want to let go
They say, if there's love there's hope
I say, if there's love there's pain

I didn't want to start over again
Didn't want that hell to repeat
I didn't want to accept you
Didn't want to fall for you again

Yet you patiently persisted
And in the end, you walked away
Just like the other time, you're gone
Once more, you've left me behind

I'm always the fool, am I not?


Just some random bullshit. Anyway, to my friends out there, please pray for a friend of mine, whose Uncle and Grandmother are very sick right now. Even if you don't believe in a God, please hope. Thanks.

Mixed Emotions

Finally, the Temasek Open House 2005 event is over. Although I've been really busy the past few weeks, met some really screwed up people, I REALLY THOROUGHLY enjoyed it. Respect goes out to all my Mentors and Main Committee members. Honestly, I can't thank them enough. Initially, there were some problems among the Main Committee, but in the end it was just a simple misunderstanding that's been dragged for too long. My Mentors were really great people. Some people whom I thought wouldn't help, helped a lot! This shows that I'm still partially right. Treating everyone as equals will eventually gain the respect of some people. I'm really happy. Stewart from TEL actually told me thanks and that I'm a great Chairman. I don't really care about positions, but being praised really made me happy. However, the truth is, it isn't me who's great. It's the Mentors themselves, and the Main Committee. When I wasn't able to help out due to some other problems I'm attending to, they will all automatically fill me in. It's almost like any of them could've been the Chairman too. They're all leaders. In fact, I think most of them can do a better job than me.

It's sad that the Open House has come to an end, and with that, my E-Guides and the committee. BUT I've made some friends! Some great ones too. Of course, I've also made enemies with some E-Guides, but it doesn't bother me. I can't make everyone happy.

I've really learnt a lot from this one event, far more than I've learnt from stupid school subjects whereby the teacher doesn't practise what he preaches. Being a leader isn't all about making decisions. It's about listening to others. It's about COMMANDING AND GAINING respect, and NOT EXPECTING AND DEMANDING respect. You've to respect others, before others respect you. You don't bloody deserbe any respect if you EXPECT it without doing anything. Fear isn't respect. Being a leader is about being yourself, being who you REALLY are, and not about trying to portray the image of a perfect leader. If your followers see you as who you are, they will know your strengths and weaknesses. They'll know what to help you with. THEY WILL ALSO KNOW YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER HUMAN, and can RELATE to you directly. Interaction is ESSENTIAL.

And this is just the first step to becoming a leader. There's still 90% to go. I'm still learning! Haha.

To be honest, initially I was also hoping to see some pretty girls within the E-Guides. And yes, there're some. But most of them are useless dolls. What's the purpose of having the looks, when you don't have the character to match it? I'm going to try not to be so superficial. I've been like this since the day she broke up with me. Haha. Learnt my lesson!

Anyway, I saw Her today. Well, I did feel a bit sad, but what's over, remains over. SO I AM SO FUCKING GOING TO ENJOY MY LIFE AS IT IS ^_^.

Just want to end this with: To my Mentors & Main Committee, and the helpful E-Guides, I'm so GOING TO MISS ALL OF YOU! The blue shirt actually looks nice now... Thank you all for the experience.

20050219

Humans

The past two days have been really hectic. I'm really tired, and yet I've to stay up to finish a lot of stuff. From the Open House reports to my school projects. It's already 2am now. I'm supposed to reach school by 9am tomorrow. At least I will be able to sleep more today. For the past two days I've been sleeping at 5am and waking up at 7am.

From the Open House event, I've really learnt a lot. I'm going to learn from the experiences, and grow stronger. Now I finally understand why people look down on Engineering students. Just look at the way they carry themselves. I personally REALLY ENJOY my polytechnic life, and yes, I'm in Engineering. I'm sure some of my friends are enjoying their polytechnic life as well. However, a large number of students actually come here not to study, but to get out. It's sad. It's not like it's free education. You're paying for it. Or your parents are. Yet you come school everyday, whine about how tough school life is, sleep during lectures, talk crap during tutorials and labs, take longer breaks than allowed, don't study during examinations, and complain that Temasek Polytechnic sucks. I think you suck more. Seriously.

I know a couple of friends who aren't doing very well in school. Even then, they try their best, take part in various school actitivies, are responsible for themselves, and lastly, try to enjoy polytechnic life. Instead of sitting around, whining, and not doing anything. TP, like any other school, is bound to have good and lousy lecturers. Find a school with nothing but good teachers =). Remember the incident in RJC whereby a teacher literally insulted a student as though he's worth nothing?

And because some of our lecturers suck, you whine about how all the lecturers suck. Yeah, live your life with EXCUSES! How brave. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. Challenge yourself. Achieve something. Isn't that much more meaningful?

What I've said doesn't apply to just TP Engineering students, but students in Singapore. I love slacking too. Ask any of my friends. But when you've to study, study. Simple as that. Guess I'll leave it here.

Anyway, back to Open House. It seems this year isn't as happening as last years. Not just in ENG, but throughout TP =(. Please come to TP! Haha =P. For those who happened to read Maclean's blog, he's lying. I am NOT a "chee hong". Hahahaha ^_^. I was just doing my job, right? =D

Yay I found a very good site on being a leader. Some good points too. I should put some of them into practice soon. http://www.inquiry.net/outdoor/games/leadership.htm.

To be honest, I'm not really looking forward to tomorrow. Some of my friends already know why. Hope things run well...

You don't demand respect, you command respect. Yay. I learnt a new thing!

20050216

A to Z

Appreciate the little things in life... Or you probably won't find any happiness in anything. When big things do happen, chances are, they're big in a bad way. Like breaking up with a loved one. Like failing all your papers. What about the good things? When was the last time you felt really happy, because something great happen? The last time you laughed was probably due to some crap joke your friends made. It's just a small thing, but it lightens your mood. I've no idea what I'm saying here.

What's with all the people behaving like someone they aren't? If you're weak, just admit it and grow stronger. Don't act strong. You aren't. Seeing you struggle makes me laugh, yet it pains my heart. I've tried to help, but you deny everything. You whine about everything, but there're so many others who're suffering more than you. Have some respect for others for fuck's sake. Yes, I use vulgarities freely, whether my parents are present or not. It's fun at times. But there're times when I use it because I simply can't think of any other word to use. My vocabulary is limited. So I simply replace whatever I CAN'T think of with a "fuck" to represent my anger. And this is one of them. Don't talk what you can't walk.

I was reading a friend's blog recently, and she was posting about how tainted humans are and everything else. Sadly, as a male, I agree with her. Sometimes I wish I could be more like some of my friends, but then that wouldn't be me. Call me conservative or whatever, but I was brought up with like this. I can joke about anything, insulting or not. But I find it hard to accept that there're females who're proud of being bitches, and males who're proud of being playboys. And whatnots. Morals, to a certain extent, is just what you FEEL is right. The truth is, what's right and wrong, ultimately, depends on the society. In ancient Greece it was common for young boys to give older men sexual favours. Try doing that now.

Many people are giving in to society's norms, although deep down inside, they might not agree with it. Why? So they can be labelled "trendy", "fashionable", etc. Label ^_^. Which is the real you? The "trendy" guy who wakes up early every Monday to Friday, just to spend one hour deciding on what to wear, styling your dyed-till-damaged hair, before leaving for school? Or the "untrendy" guy who wakes up late every Saturday morning, doesn't even bother to brush his teeth, and simply has his breakfast, etc. Personal grooming is important, being a retard isn't.

I just wish the society I live in could be a bit more conservative, a bit less realistic. I'm a dreamer by nature. But I intend to make my dreams come true. Why is society, instead of teaching abstinence, encouraging the use of condoms?

Some parents nowadays are bringing up their daughters to look like hookers. Then again, what will this post do? Even if I were to write a post similar to this every day, nothing will change. Do you date a girl so you can lay her, or do you honestly want to get to know her better? Do you want a guy for who he is, or is it just for his money?

"The biggest weapon against impurity is our will power. We cannot expect ourselves to be chaste on a date if we are not chaste in all other areas of our lives. When we go on a date, rather then using the time to kiss and to touch, why not work on building a relationship? Work on a hobby, go on a nature walk, or get involved in group activities with other like-minded couples. Sit down and have long discussions with one another. There's more to compatibility then sex."
Source: http://www.washingtontimes.com/commentary/20040724-105246-5663r.htm

I've nothing else left to say. I'm lost as well.

:)

I guess I'm more or less doing well so far. Talked to Dian on the phone yesterday. Lol. Both of us agreed to numerous points, considering we've both been through similar crap. Around the same time too. Hilmi as well. Lol. Talk about luck and coincidence.

No one has really asked me how I've been doing, I guess everyone's busy. Well =(. I think there's something wrong with the way I talk to people nowadays. I'm finding people more and more useless. Sigh. Anyway, my Dad didn't have time to come over today/yesterday, so I'll have to wait till later. If he comes over, then my room "re-design" process can finally be complete. Haha.

Guess I better go sleep soon... Hope all of my friends are doing well =).

20050215

Quote

On Valentine's Day:

I think tonight, so many dudes will be called "God", egos will swell. The power of one day. What happens tomorrow? Do you still love him-her? Of 365 days, there is only one when the person is in love. Congrats to all the lovers. I don't believe in love, but for the ones who claimed they found it. This day is for you.

I saw this quote while on the Neowin forums.

20050214

Life Life LIFE!

Instead of my father fetching me from Sim Lim Square, my uncle did instead ^^. Heh. Anyway, his kindness shocked me. While waiting for me and Tiong Guan (slowly carrying the monitor and whatnots down), a bunch of Westerners approached him and asked him for some help in transporting some stuffs to World Trade Center. And he actually agreed. So after my SLS trip, I had a ride to WTC, before going home. When those Westerners wanted to pay my uncle, he simply refused. Seriously. That's very kind ^^!

I bought a 19" Samsung 997MB (DF was out of stock), and a 120GB Hitachi HDD. And guess what? I just found out my 40GB HDD is NOT spoilt after all. The S.M.A.R.T error disappeared after doing a "low-level format" with Maxtor's PowerMax. Actually it's not a real LLF, but PowerMax states so, so yeah. Haha ^_^. So I set everything up, and... I LOVE SAMSUNG! Hahaha. It's really good. 19" of pure visual quality. Heh =P. Tiong Guan was complaining and SERIOUSLY wanting to get a new monitor after that.

Back to the SLS trip, it was a good/bad day. Everything I wanted to buy was OUT OF STOCK at Fuwell. But when I went around the other shops, I managed to get them at cheaper prices!

Ok. Fast forward to today. My Dad came over and changed the position of my keyboard drawer. My desktop looks so much nicer now. Hopefully everything will be completed by tomorrow. Yay.

Lastly, Happy Valentine's Day to all the couples out there. Stay loving, stay sweet, stay together, but don't stay inside for too long. Lol =).

20050213

Married To Money

Lol. Right Joven? =P

Well it's just a joke ^^. Anyway, lots of stuff happened during the Chinese New Year period. Good and bad stuff. Real bad. Not as good. Haha.

I'm going to sleep soon, and when I wake up, I'm calling my Dad over to re-design some parts of my room, and then bringing me to Sim Lim Square, to buy a new monitor and hard drive. Fuck. Why do all my stuff have to spoil at the same time? Checklist of spoiled/spoiling items:
  • Handphone
  • Monitor
  • Hard Disk
DAMN. So I'm going to buy a 19" Samsung 997DF tomorrow. Don't tell me to get a LCD =P. I know what I'm doing. Also got to get a 80GB or so hard disk, to replace my stupid 40GB Maxtor. Thank God for S.M.A.R.T. It actually works! Lol ^^. FYI, S.M.A.R.T basically tells you when your HDD is dying. Use programs like ActiveSMART to monitor the status of your HDD regularly, to prevent data loss and whatnots =). If I had $100 more, I would be buying Hauppage's WinTV-PVR-150 as well. Then my computer will be a near-perfect multimedia system! Imagine, watching pornography on a 19". I meant movies, sorry. HEHE.

I don't know if buying those stuff are good or bad. To be honest, I can't wait for a 19" monitor. I can't wait for a new and bigger hard disk. But it's a FUCKING WASTE OF MONEY. If it wasn't for the fact that they're spoilt/spoiling, I wouldn't have bought them. In that case, the money would either go to the bank, or to buying new clothes, or something else. Fuck.

The major difference between a computer and a girl. When your computer screws up, just format it and re-install everything. Yay, brand new. If it's hardware, just buy a replacement. It even has WARRANTY. A girl, you spend money on her, you feel happy. But there's no warranty. Words are just words. Forever can be as short as one minute, and as long as a lifetime. Why? Because forever, is just another word. Just like love. I love all of you, give me your money =).

On to the bad stuff. Well, it's all over for me and Her (my ex-girlfriend). This time for sure... She feels it's not the right time. Well =(. And this took place during CNY... Sigh. Just wanna wish you good luck and all the best in life! Don't worry about me, I still have my computer =P. Alright, lame joke. But take care, honestly =).

Back to the good stuff. Today, or rather, yesterday, I went over to my auntie's place. My maternal side. FYI, I seriously dislike some of the people on my maternal side, and my auntie is one of them. Anyway, things went better than I expected, maybe they've changed for the better. I really hope so =).

Alright, that's about it. Happy Chinese New Year everyone!

20050210

Happy Chinese New Year!

Yeah, it's a bit late, but happy collecting your red packets!

20050207

Cold

I don't know why but I feel so cold. Don't need to know why either, do I? Ha. Ha.

Berserk

I've been spending the past 3 days or so reading the Berserk manga. I know it's not exactly the latest manga out there, but it's really great. I think it's one of the best manga I've ever read. Please check it out, it really makes you think.

On to other things... I had the Open House E-Guides training last Saturday. Sadly, it didn't turn out as well as I would like it to. Some participants are just not enthusiastic at all. Thanks to my main committee and all the other mentors who helped out. Also thanks to all the E-Guides that stayed till the end. Anyway, I doubt any of them are reading this.

Alright, guess that's all for now...

20050204

Null

Sometimes I really hate my life, and everything else. Then again, if life was smooth, it would be boring, wouldn't it? I wish I could be richer, wish I could be more optimistic, but well, I can't. With money, I could probably do a lot of things I otherwise cannot. I can get whatever I want. All the materials in the world. I could also donate to charity, although I wonder if I'll do that if I'm really rich. This world's a mystery, I don't really see any humanity left in humans. Girls who're proud of being bitches ^^. You're better off in the streets, crawling on all fours. A bitch is a female dog, isn't it? You live a life only for yourself, I wonder what you're even living for. Is proving that females are equal/stronger than males that important? Lol. In spite of that, you preach about the world being unfair, etc. Then fucking accept it and stop complaining. Stop contradicting your words. I don't really believe in a God. But I do know males and females, like everything else, have their own strengths and weaknesses. In the end, you're just another weak human being hiding beneath a pretty face. Just like I am. You have more pride in your make-up skills than your cooking skills, more pride in your "boyfriend" and "friends" than your family. Then go ahead, put on the make-up, and kill yourself. You can die beautiful. So that the world looks upon you and remember you as a beautiful girl. So that no one ever knows what you really want or desire, including yourself. Are appearances really that important? When was the last time you bothered to give someone a second chance?

You talk about your Almighty God, but no one listens. Look at yourself. I have a hard time believing God exists when I look at you. A nice and pretty face, so sweet. Yet beneath all that, you're hollow. Empty. To say you've a black heart is an insult. You probably lack a heart to begin with. No one really cares what you blog on your fucking site, just like no one bothers what's here. Lol. You talk about loving your boyfriend, and shit, but you don't even love your parents. Your own flesh and blood. How is your boyfriend even close to that? Other than some semen here and there, of course. Damn, but then again, how many boyfriends have you had? It must be really interesting if sperms had brains.

"Hi there, I'm A's sperm."
"Oh hi, I'm B's sperm. I lost my comrades and am now alone."
"Haha what a loser. I've a longer tail and a bigger head than you."
":("
"Alright, comrades, leave this loser alone. Let's infiltrate the egg."

Unfortunately, sperms don't last too long within the female body. Unless of course she does it often enough. Hehe.

Anyway, this is just some random crap. Good night.

20050202

Life So Far

Hi all, sorry for the lack of updates. Haven't exactly got the time to update recently. Hm... School-life-wise, I guess things are more or less fine. Fine, but not good. Got back 2/6 results so far, and they're okay =). Other than the term tests, there's a lot of extra stuff going on right now, such as the Open House. So far so good too, I hope. Let's take a look at what happened over the last week or so...

Term Break
Lol. No break at all. None. Nothing! DAMN. From Monday to Wednesday was the CENT Club retreat. Well, it's sort of a break, but I almost didn't sleep at all! Lol. Raj, Maclean, and I think Gregory are in the same boat as me. We played cards through the night. Even when our eyes were closing our hands were active shuffling the cards. The place itself is nice. Aloha Loyang, 14. Big and spacious. But I hate it. The mosquitoes there are evil. I reached the place at 3am on Tuesday night, together with Gregory, due to us doing some Arts Appreciation project stuff before that. By 6am I had killed 3 mosquitoes! Anyway, the retreat was ok, but I was seriously superbly worn out by then to even enjoy. Well, some issues/problems were also brought up during the retreat, hope our club settles it as soon as possible.

Anyway, the ESC treasurer, Joefucker, is really irritating. Damn. I meant Joel. Sorry ^_^. My fellow friends should know why. Lol.

So basically, from Monday to Wednesday it was all fun, but no sleep. So no fun. Lol =P. Also, I went back to school with Gregory on both Monday and Wednesday, thanks to Arts Appreciation, but here's something good...

On Thursday, all of us decided not to go for the ESC ALP. Well, I've a CDS presentation, and although I must admit I can go for the ALP before and after that, I felt it was rude. And I was also very tired. Gregory followed me of course =P. On to the Arts Appreciation presentation... Our tutor, Hernie, was very happy with our presentation. Yay ^_^. Hard work paid off. So there you are thinking, what about Friday?

Well, Friday was the day I was looking forward to. My own event! Together with Jeremy, Maclean, Gregory and Ming Fu. However, Maclean couldn't stay throughout the day due to some personal problems =(. A big thanks to Jeremy for his help. The event went quite smoothly. I'm quite happy with it, considering it's my first time. Nevertheless, there's always room for improvement. I've already thought through it and found some things which could've been better and whatnots =).

On to Saturday... I had two birthdays to attend. One was Hers, the other one was my HDK Joven's. Lol. Anyway, I could only meet her for a short while due to some reasons, but it was nice nonetheless, although my attitude towards her was pretty bad =(. Sorry! Hope you like that small gift =). After that, I went to meet Kelvin and Joven at Tampines for dinner. Lol. Kelvin and me acted like we forgot about Joven's birthday =P. He seemed out of sorts that day, so Kelvin wanted to give him a surprise. Hong Wen joined us later on, with brand new tinted glasses. As usual, he's "fierce" =P. Well, we went to Boon Tiong's house after that and celebrated and stuff. Hope Joven was happy. Nono, hope he still is. You must open the door ;). Sorry about the lack of a present, I'm seriously broke =P. Be thankful for the punches. Lol ^_^. I'm SO NOT looking forward to my birthday now. I'll probably break a bone or two.

And then... Sunday. I honestly hoped I could at least rest on this day, but due to unforeseen circumstances, I had to meet Willie for our File I/O presentation, which was due on Tuesday. Thankfully, we managed to complete 90% of it within that day ^_^.

Fast Forward To This Week
On Monday I got BUSSP results. Stupid Willie told me I got an A. I checked and I also saw an A. But the truth was, it's not an A. It's a B+ =(. Well, guess I should work harder =).

Then on Tuesday... Was Her actual birthday, and I actually forgot about it. I'm sorry. I even lost my temper at her. Damn. Sorry! I didn't mean to =(. I've already talked to you about it, right? Hehe ;). I also got back my DSA, rather happy with it =).

So there's my life for the past week or so. See you people around soon! Wish me luck for the rest of my results! Especially in 7 hours time. Mr. Barnabus' DMSD. I'm screwed for this paper.

PS: A f*cking mosquito just bit me =(.