20050228

Smile...?

In case most of you haven't noticed by now, the most serious of stuff are always NOT posted here. Even if they are, it would always be very vague, and tend to NOT be directed at anyone at all. Why? It's because I still need some privacy. Some things about me are better off left unknown. Why then do I public write "letters" to her? It's because if I ever try talking to her, she'll think I'm trying to chase her back. If I ever try sms-ing her, she'll surely reply me one-worded answers. And yes, I've tried both. On the other hand, if I post it here, there's a one in a million chance she'll read it. Even then, if she does, at the very least, I don't get to hear her reply. I don't want it. I just want her to know and keep quiet about it. What's over, should remain over.

Just this once, there'll be an exception. It's about my family. I almost feel no happiness at all at home. No, I'm not whining. I'm trying very hard every day to feel happy at home. My mother is very loving to me. Really. Ask all my close friends, they would agree. Without her, I don't know where I would be today. Even then, I quarrelled with her back then, over Her. It's a mistake I made, a mistake I can't forgive myself for. I always avoid quarrelling with her, because the words I say while in a state of anger will always hurt. Always. Thus, when she scolds me, I always try to laugh it off. I put on a smiling face at home whenever she's around.

My father is a really nice person too. He always tries his best to give me what I want. Moreover, till today, he hasn't really forgiven himself for the divorce. Back then, it was him who always told me not to lose my temper at Her. He always reminds me to treat girls with respect. Although he supposedly had many girlfriends, he always reminds me of that. No idea why. Also, whenever my mother loses her temper at him over the phone or whatever, he always keeps his cool. He's really changed a lot for the better over the years.

However, whenever I look at the both of them, I can't help but feel sad. That good people always have it bad.

On to myself, I know I'm not the person some of you used to know. Sorry. Especially to the people I've been nice and all to, well, I'm sorry. Nice isn't a word you can use on me. I chose to concern myself with my girlfriend more than my family at times when my family really needed me. That's not nice at all. To the people I've been behaving like a fucked-up to, here's why... Some of you are just plain irritating. But there're some of you who don't deserve all these. Sorry. My father and mother keeps on telling me not to concern myself with my family issues, I wonder how I can do that...

On to my sister. She's nice and all. Sometimes she treats me like a brother, sometimes she doesn't even bother. I've no idea what she's trying to do. No idea why she always seems to be tearing my parents apart even more. She's said really hurting stuff to both of them. Nevertheless, I think she's still affected by the divorce. Moreover, she feels my mother loves me more than her, which is so untrue. Of the many times both of you went to Malaysia, there were times I wasn't even asked. She almost always buys things for you each time she goes shopping. While I do get some expensive stuff from her once in a while, how often does it happen? It's the thought that counts. My father once told me that he dotes on her more than me too. I understand why he's like that though, and I don't blame him.

So to my younger sister, please wake up. The world doesn't owe you anything. Words don't mean a thing. You say you're trying to change your attitude, but look at your actions. It's 2am, and you're still not home. I hope father knocks some sense into you. Or "Papa", as both of us call him. I talked to you, and you seemed like I owed you something. I know for sure, I'm a lousy brother. Sorry. But please try to appreciate the people who truly dote on you, like Mummy and Papa. You really think Mummy's sleeping right now? She's probably crying. She will probably do so till she goes to work in the morning. Papa will surely result to drinking after putting down the phone with you. Please spare a thought for others. I know Mummy doesn't treat you well sometimes, but she doesn't exactly treat me well all the time. See for yourself... Stop being so stubborn.

And to those people who still insist I'm playing games with you, do you honestly think I've the time to do that? The only game I've ever played is with myself. Get that into your head.

To a friend whose post I've just read, cheer up! Get yourself Bonked! Haha =).

After everything I've been through, I'm still standing. But teach me how to believe in a God? Really. I wish I could have some faith. Having some faith would surely help, but I can't believe in anything...

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