20050221

Time & Tide Wait For No Man

I was a dreamer. Always been. Still am one I guess. Time changes everything. But I won't let go of my dreams, no matter what. Don't whine, move on, I always tell myself. Sitting down and complaining about how bad your life is will get you nowhere. Friends can console you, but that's about it. They can help you. But are you willing to help yourself?

When you start sharing dreams with someone, that someone because a part of your a life. A piece of the puzzle known as life. Without it, you feel incomplete. The person who can give you the greatest happiness, can also bring your world down in a single moment. You can be as strong as you want to, as cold as you want to, but if there's someone important to you, you'll always melt for him/her. You can lie to yourself, tell yourself that you can stand strong alone, but every single night, as you prepare to sleep, you just wish there was someone to share your dreams with. Someone special. Friends are special. But why can't you share anything with them? I don't know. I think that's why "love" was made.

I don't know what the hell I'm writing here, I'm just trying to kill time. I used to reflect on my actions whenever I can, but lately, I've been avoiding that. I don't want to trouble myself with unnecessary thoughts. No matter what bullshit I come up with, I can't change the image of her that's already in my mind. Just a simple sweet girl. Even if that isn't the truth, I can't change a shit. What is truth? Truth is but what you choose to believe in. People used to believe that the Earth is flat, that the Sun revolves around the Earth. Is that the truth now? Everything's but a dream. To wake up from a dream is bad. It doesn't matter if it's a good or bad dream, but to wake up in the middle of a dream is bad. It pulls you back to reality, and you can only feel helpless and lost.

I'm cold by nature, my parents say. My father even says my eyes are filled with hate. Interesting. I don't know what I am to you all. Maybe I'm a friend, maybe an enemy, maybe just a tool. I KNOW I am a tool to some people already. Finding me only when they need help. This is the world I live in. This society, I hate it. I don't want to be part of this society. Materialistic world. Go sleep with your money. I'm thankful for a couple of friends. Really. In spite of the troubles we've or haven't been through, we are still able to laugh and talk when everything's over. In spite of all the misunderstandings. Forgiving is a virtue. But I can't forgive myself for a lot of things.

I'm not a good brother to my younger sister. She never listens to me. Even worse, she has UTTERLY no respect for my parents. I'm sad, but I can't do anything. Maybe one day she'll learn something...

I've some really good friends that I don't treasure. Sorry. When I thought you've forgotten about me already, you gave me an sms that meant a lot to me. It was sweet. I've some friends who were always there, but even then I feel alone. Maybe I'm really born into the wrong world. The world isn't wrong, maybe I'm the one who's wrong.

I'm not filial to my parents either.

I hate being wrong. I hate losing. But time and again, I've lost to myself. Every single time I see a flicker of hope, I get excited. I hold on to the hope, tighter and tigher, until the flame vanishes. Why? Even though I already know what the result will be. You're a sweet girl, really. I'm the one who's tainted you. For every single person that has been close to me, they've all been hurt.

Wherever I go, I bring along darkness. Sadness. All the negative emotions. Even when I smile, it's just a facade. BUT I really do enjoy the times I've laughed together with my friends. It's really fun. Sometimes I laugh so much I forget about everything else. Some people have labelled me as "Demon", "Evil", etc. I won't stop you, because you're partially right. For every girl that I've made a friend with, I wonder how much of her is pure. For every guy that's been a friend, I've doubted you before.

I don't like lying. I can't hide stuff well. But that's just me. Dreams are fragile, once shattered, they will never be the same again. Hope has always failed me. Always. I never once expected anyone to do anything for me, I've always worked hard for what I want. Sometimes, just a little miracle... will do... Just a little light in this darkness. A sword belongs to its sheath. Always. Once the sheath is gone, the sword has no home...

When you see the blood drip, do you get excited? You're about to leave this world to enter the next. What if there's no next world? Are you going to just die and be forgotten? Humans don't die as long as they're remembered. That's why the world "immortalized" exists. But if you're forgotten, what will you do? What CAN you do? When your heart finally stops beating, when you finally stop breathing, how many people will cry for you? FOR you. Or will they cry for themselves? Have you ever cried for someone else?

Are you living, or dying? When all hope's already gone, why did you still go on? Belief? Faith? Having faith will really make things better, but I can't believe in anything. I can't believe in WORDS. Words are just words. Without the actions, words are nothing. Shatter like a glass... I don't even know who I am anymore. My thoughts change so often... I'm lost. Well, I've always been lost.

1 comment:

cjd said...

nice design. well done