20040930

Studying...

I seriously have issues studying beforehand. When it's last minute studying, I'm able to cramp lots of information into me somehow, and somehow still pass slightly. But if I'm studying beforehand, I tend to slack, joke, sleep, etc. etc. But thankfully, I managed to finish 2 chapters of Math today! But in that long amount of time, I should've at least finished 3 chapters... :(. Bah. I tried :P. Anyway, I'm going to sleep in a while... :D. Eating Chips 'N More now :P. Bah I wish I could give them to someone else ^^. But it's late at night and I'm short on cash to take a taxi or anything... Lol :P. Anyway, best saying of the day comes from Yiren.

yiren <--- a shadow, a shade, a memory. says:
we are sexually deprived

Learning To Be Steady. Respect X Japan. says:
i am not

yiren <--- a shadow, a shade, a memory. says:
haha yeah right


Yeah he's deprived :X.

Edit: CHECK THIS OUT. A 8500 CALORIE SANDWICH. http://myhighhorse.com/index.html

20040929

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Woot! I will be able to reach school in time for the MAP interview without being late! After which I'll study in school till around 5 or something. Please pray that I can concentrate. I have to, somehow. Damn. Take care people ^_^.

Still Awake... Sigh.

Damn it it's close to 3am and I'm still awake. Been reading the poems I've written throughout the years. Ah, the memories... I better get to sleep... Was supposed to sleep by 2am :(.
I think I'm missing you :(. But you probably won't see this.
Argh... Wish me luck for the MAP interview later on! Good night! :)
Just let me have sweet dreams of you tonight... :D
To those that got what my previous topic title meant, please keep quiet about it. Thanks... :).

20040928

Read Between The Lines...

After studying today, went to KFC with Andrew and Tiffany for dinner. Sorry for being a lamppost :P. Enjoyed talking to them about my childhood. Lol. Seems I've a fun childhood after all, especially with people like Alan and Kelvin in it. It reminds me my life isn't so bad after all :D.
Sorry
Girl if I ever have to leave you
Sorry I can't even remain a friend
Someone else likes you
He loves you more than I do

Haha. Back then we were just small kids. Lol. Fooling around in life. Kelvin was the most goody boy among us, followed by me. Alan was the bad boy. Lol. I still remember the time we dared him to cycle down a slide (playground), and he literally did it, of course, getting injured in the process. He still laughed it off anyway. Then there was the time I had chickenpox, and Alan skipped school just to accompany me. Kelvin came to my house everyday too, to pass me the homework and stuff to be done. It's close to 10 years already, and we're still friends.
I would love to be with you
Make you happy, see you smile
I can do all of that, even more
But I can't afford to lose a friend

Another really amusing incident was went I dared Alan to send a Valentine's Day card to Soo Chin. Actually it was because I wanted to send to Jie Yan a card too, and I didn't have the guts to do it alone. Lol. Ended up, I sent a card with a big heart on the inside, while Alan sent a Tweety Bird card. The results were chaotic. I forgot to put Jie Yan's name on the envelope, and her mother ended up opening it instead. Gave a call to my mother and they probably had a nice "chat". My mother and father later on told me not to be so "playboy" at such a young age. Haha :P. Anyway, I lost contact with her after that, but around 2 years ago or something we got in contact again ^_^. Alan's even funnier. Soo Chin cut out the Tweety Bird in the card, and I think she used it as a keychain or something. HAHA.
I will go somewhere to find peace
I will miss you, at the very least
Hopefully get over you, start anew
Please be happy, I'll be watching

Anyway, thanks to Tiffany and Andrew for listening to my crappy stories :). Have an early night people.

Written In The Library

I wrote the following while in the library today, sometime around 4pm...

One more week and its the examinations. But here I am, unable to fully concentrate. I just finished Chapter 1 of Math, and there are like 6 more chapters to go. I'm rather confident of Chapters 2, 3, 4 and 6, but I've absolutely no idea what's going on in Chapters 5 and 7. And this is just Math. There's still MAP, OADES, PCOMSYS, and ELNDES. Although I'm sure of my MAP and OADES, I've no idea what's going on with the last few chapters of PCOMSYS. ELNDES is even worse... I've always been bad at this subject. The way I am right now, I really wonder how well I can pass, if at all.

Listening to X Japan's "Unfinished" just now reminded me of my ex-girlfriend. There's this part of the song that goes "But when you feel sadness, never can I stay with you." Maybe I was a lousy boyfriend. Looks: 3/10. Character: -3/10. Overall: 0/10. My temper sucks. Even when I try to control it it's still bad. And my stupid mp3 player just decided to play "Shattered Dreams" by Johnny Hates Jazz. Zzz...

For the first time, Gregory seems to be studying. Jian Feng is teaching him and he seems to be listening. Glad to see that. Maclean and Andrew are working hard too. Haha. Andrew has been a happy boy since getting together with Tiffany. ^_^

While everyone is working hard, here I am, unable to even study properly. It's partially due to my headache, but my head is filled with a lot of things at this moment too. Sometimes I ask myself, "So what if I'm in the DL?", "So what if I do get rich?", etc. What's the point when my dreams are already 1/2 gone. All this while, I've only had one simple dream. Get a sweet girlfriend and spend quality time with her and my friends. And then, succeed in my career so I can provide for her, make my parents happy, and help my friends. That's all. But like Kelvin and Joven, ;), it seems we are fated never to be with the one we like. I hate this. It's irritating me to hell. People always tell me I'm only 18, and still young.But it's seriously hard to believe. I'm only 18 and schooling, and I already can't get the simple things I want. Wouldn't things turn out worse as I get older? I don't even know how long I'll be in this world. I might just die tomorrow. Maybe I'm too much of a dreamer. I always wanted a relationship that starts from childhood, till I grow old and die or something. Always wanted the first... To be the last. But that dream won't come true anymore. My father says I should be more realistic. But shouldn't everyone live their dreams? Be more realistic and judge everyone by how much money they possess? I don't know.

This shit is screwing with my head. I'm going back to studying. Bye and take care.

Untitled

I had nothing to do yesterday, so I went to watch some BoA Live Concert DVD, which was originally intended for my ex-girlfriend. Haha. It's quite nice, but it reminded me of unneeded stuff... :(. Anyway, slept around 5am or something... Lol. Well I got to go school in a while to study... Take care people :).
I think I do like her a lot, but I'm probably only a friend to her. Maybe someday I'll let her know. Maybe I should be more honest to myself. But come on, I lack the looks. I'm bad-tempered. I don't see any reason why anyone would like me to begin with. Sigh. And it's the examination period now too...

STUPID YIREN

I was looking at his blog and this is how he described me!

eventually i waited a total of three hours for him.... then after finishing business with him i went to the bus stop opposite TP.. only to meet up with yuan chin... haha and ended up going to his house for a first time visit... i say i sad little boi rite.. he more sad than me... put in his position i might have already bashed my group mates to oblivion, with no exception of ex-hai sianz... great guy.. this yuan chin... but inevitably vain and cocky =D ...but not to a bad extent...funny infact.. so i say again... take care! and dun die before i do! lolx

I AM VAIN AND COCKY? What the hell! Haha. Do visit his blog :). http://gensaber.blogspot.com/

I Am Pathetic

Yesterday was a fun day. Went to Seoul Garden with most of the CENT gang to eat. Ate from 3.30pm or so till around 6.30pm :P. After that we went to the arcade and had fun there. Haha. Outrun 2 again. I got 2nd for most of the races, falling behind Fabien most of the time. After that all of us went home. Well I guess that's about it... :).

Well I wish I could just blog out everything honestly here but I seriously can't. Sigh. Some things just can't go my way... There're so many things I want to write, so many ideas for new poems, but I have a headache now... Damn...

20040927

My Life. Mine.

I think I should start thinking for myself for once, and ignore everyone else. At least for a while. There've been too many times I've let things pass by, because of friends. And sometimes, because of "friends".

I'm going to try not to stereotype anyone anymore. Whether they come from a clique that I can't get along with or not doesn't matter. I've made too many mistakes, misunderstood too many people. Most of the time I'm probably the one with the cold attitude to begin with. I don't give a fuck what they have done to you anymore. If they didn't do anything to me I won't be prejudiced against them. Friendship? I knew long ago who are real friends and who aren't, I just didn't want to express it in any way. To those who have been really great friends, I thank you. Seriously. One day if I'm rich enough I'll treat you all to something wonderful. To those who aren't friends, thank you for the experience. Makes me learn more. Go on with the act. You already know who you are :). I don't talk to you much, if at all, anymore. The only reason I'm doing so is because some of us are still friends with you. Don't really want to cause any conflicts.

This world is already fake enough, and things get worse when I see my friends wearing a god damn mask, trying to be someone they aren't. Just because of what? Because they're down? And? So if you're down you wear a mask and act like someone you aren't just so you can run away and enjoy your "peace", for that little while? While everyone who cares for you worry for you, you simply hide in your "haven". And irritate the shit out of people who've nothing to do with the cause of your sadness or whatever.

Call me a bastard if you want, but do think twice before saying it. Have I not done my part as a friend before? Seriously. I know there're people I've let down, because of girls. For example, I trusted a friend's girlfriend more than him for a period of time, because of the way I've always been. And what happened? Ended up the girl was just a lying pile of shit and I couldn't even be there for my friend. At the very least, I admit my mistake and I'm trying to make up for all these things now. But there're some of you out there who simply take things for granted. I've known one of you since Secondary Three, and now we're still in the same class. Other than asking me for help when your computer's down, have you really treated me as a friend before? Yeah, you accompanied me at times, but other than that I don't even see any friendship between us.

Bah. Just a rant :(. Good night.

20040926

One Day

One day I'm going to write a happy poem. More than one if possible. But I'm usually unable to write when I'm happy. My limited vocabulary is filled with more words that describe sadness than anything else. Damn it. Add that to my null talent at writing sometimes, and you have it. I'm unable to write when I'm happy. And by the time I sit down and try to write, I probably remember all the bad stuff already. Damn. Stupid useless brain of mine. Here is an attempt, but it turned out sad anyway.

Watching You Sleep
As I watch you sleep
I want to give you a kiss
Lie beside you asleep
Share an eternal bliss

You probably don't realize
Because he's on your mind
He's filling you with lies
But then love is blind

When I tell you he's lying
You always end up crying
I didn't mean to end up hurting
You, whom I am missing

As I watch you sleep
Trying my best to rhyme
Can you see me weep?
For the first and last time
- ShuX.YC, 26.09.2004

Untitled Junk
How much can I deny
No matter how I try
Even when I get high
I can't help but cry

I've to ask you why
You left for another guy
You were the first to say hi
And the last to say bye

Sunday

As I was saying earlier, me and Kelvin worked out and I fell asleep around 4am. Woke up today around 2pm or so, while Kelvin was sleeping. Both of us didn't bathe after working out. Lol. Slept on the same bed too -_-. Too bad I've a queen-sized bed instead of 2 single beds or something. But don't worry, I'm not gay. Haha :P. Girls girls! Anyway, went to Bugis around 4pm with him to the "Guan Yin Temple" to pray. Then walked in Parco for a while, before going back home. Took 12, and had a nice sleep on the bus. Hehe. So here I am, at home ^_^.

Good Saturday ^_^

Yesterday was one of the better days I've had in a long time :P. Was supposed to wake up at 8am or so, so I can meet Maclean and the rest at 9am for the NE Forum. But then I decided I was too tired and needed more sleep, so I ended up sleeping till around 1.30pm or so. I gave them a call and they were in Century Square's arcade, again. So I turned on the heater, and wanted to bathe and prepare to meet them. Ended up, I spent like an hour or 2 online talking, then went to bathe. Met them at the arcade, played Outrun with Andrew, and again I lost. Both times :(. Then went to play Virtua Fighter 4 and I"ve totally forgotten how to play it. After that I played Rumble Fish with Rayhan. I don't like that game at all! Anyway, after that we went to KFC to have my "lunch". It was around 5pm or so already.

Anyway, after that, the rest of them left around 7pm, leaving me alone :(. Then I met Alan sometime around 7.15pm, had dinner with him, Fatimah, and her family. After that, me, Alan, and Fatimah went to meet Leon, before going for Yvonne's chalet at Pasir Ris. Bah, it was boring :X. I spent the time sms-ing someone. Haha :P. Was fun. We left around 10pm or so, and went to a coffeeshop to eat and drink. I haven't paid Leon for the beer too :(. Totally forgot about it. Kelvin came down to meet us later. Around 12.30am or so we all left, and Kelvin came to my house. Talked about a lot of stuff, about girls and whatnots. Sad :(. Sometimes girls got to learn to make up their minds. Sorry to all the good girls :).

Anyway, we worked out around 2am -_-. Lol. Two idiots carrying dumbbells in the middle of the night. I fell asleep sometime around 4am, and Kelvin slept around 6am, I think. Will post more later! Got to go for now ^_^.

20040924

Finally

Reached school around 8.15am today. As usual, I'm late for MAP, which starts at 8am. Lol. Managed to finish up the whole thing, and the presentation would be next week. I was the only one in my group who was there till 8.50am, when Alvinder came. Before he came, Boey told me something.

Boey: "Hey I must let you know. Your group marks would be affected because of the way your group is performing. But for the individual interview I'm sure you will do well."

Me: "Oh... It's ok."

Then he walked away shaking his head. So yeah. I've nothing to say :). Anyway, as I was coding, I told the rest to try out the codes. Only Maclean bothered to load the program and try out some stuff. But the rest didn't even bother, and I guess he got affected by their attitude. Seriously. They didn't even type in a single line of code :). Not a single mnemonic. And when it was done I wanted to demo it to the teacher, but my group had no idea how the code works, so I couldn't demo. Anyway, Boey decided for all of us to demo to him on Wednesday (I think). So yeah. I'm happy in a way though. Thanks to handling most of the stuff alone, I'm more or less prepared for some of the subjects already. Hehe :P. Look on the bright side, eh?

I got an A for my psychology group report. Yay! Just want to do as well as possible... :). Challenges are fun! Today was also the last psychology tutorial, and Terrence sort of held a "ask what you want" session. It was fun! We also watched a bit of "Contact", some movie that seems nice. Anyway, took two or so photos with the class after that. Terrence is a really good tutor ^_^.

Anyway, Maclean was in a bad mood thanks to Roy. Lol. But I wouldn't say it's anyone's fault :). Maclean just lost his cool, while Roy was wondering why Maclean got so fed up. Anyway Maclean sort of dragged me into it, and at the wrong time too. I told him off, and we didn't talk for the rest of the day. Sorry dude. He went home after school. Sigh. Wonder if anything's wrong with him.

Bah, anyway, I'm going to enjoy my weekends and Monday. I'll probably start revising on Tuesday. Hehe. Had fun talking to some people online just now, and I actually fell asleep halfway too. Well =\. With the examinations coming soon, everyone seems to be affected more or less by it in a negative manner. Just a word of advice to you guys. Don't let the stress affect your friendships. Be responsible for yourself.

One day if I lose myself, who would bring me back? I really wonder...

Alright, just posting for the sake of it. Going off now... Take care people.

Stupid Writings

If...
If I had just one chance
I would want to love again
Fill my life with romance
Before I go insane

If I had just one girl
Who loves me with her all
Treat her like a pearl
Be there when she falls

If I had this one love
The light in my darkness
Beautiful as a dove
Shower me with her kindness

If I had just one dream
The girl of my dreams
Wake me from this nightmare
Before I go insane...
- ShuX.YC, 24.09.2004

Playboy
Hey girl what's the fuss?
You're wearing a nice dress
Why don't you show less?
I won't make a mess
Please don't give me stress
As long as you say yes
I won't give excess
Don't make me guess
I hate playing chess
I can't supress
Without distress
I want to caress
Try to impress
Give me your address
And we can progress
You can undress
As I confess
I will possess
Do not protest
Damsel in distress
Grant me success
- ShuX.YC, 24.09.2004

Long Story Cut Short
When we first dated
I was elated
Although unrelated
We were fated
I felt related
You felt dictated
Then we debated
And you stated
I am hated
Never fated
- ShuX.YC, 24.09.2004

Weather
I thought we could be together
And I bought you leather
I asked you whether
You liked the weather
You floated away like a feather
Changed, like the weather
Give me back my leather
At the next get-together
I'd rather go for Heather
Or sleep with your mother
You're just... another
- ShuX.YC, 24.09.2004

Regret > Pet
Girl you are sweating
You want heavy petting?
Look at the setting
It is upsetting
We are forgetting
We will be regretting
- ShuX.YC, 24.09.2004

Lust
You're about to combust
Your undying lust
I love your big bust
But I have no trust
This is a must
I have to thrust
- ShuX.YC, 24.09.2004

Ok I guess that's all. To everyone, sorry if it offends you. Most of them were written by imagining myself as someone else, as some character. Other than a select few, most of them don't even reflect what I feel. Those who know me will know which ones were written from my heart, and which ones were written while trying to be someone else. Take care. Good night!

20040923

Long Post...

This might turn out to be a really long post...

Today
As I stated in the previous post, I was up till 7am or so. Then I took a short nap till 8.30am, woke up, took my breakfast with me and left the house. Took a cab and reached school around 9 or so. Ate breakfast in class. Tiong Guan reached around 9.15am with the circuit, and again, the counter STOPPED working properly. Just yesterday it was FINALLY counting from 1 to 9, and today it started counting 1, 3, 5, 7, 9 again. Anyway, I went to the Cyber Centre with Roy to print out the ELNDES report and the OADES report. When I returned, the circuit still didn't want to work properly. Anyway, Gregory didn't bring his Discovery Journal, and didn't even bother to inform me about it. Seriously dude, have some RESPONSIBILITY. Then for no reason at all the circuit started counting correctly again. What the hell. Anyway, Mr Clement Chew then interviewed us, one by one. Mine went rather well. Come to think of it, he's not as bad a teacher as I thought he was.

Later on was OADES, and for some stupid reason the code that WORKED PERFECTLY fine at home did not work. Anyway after some modification it worked, and my group got an A for the demonstration. Haha. Anyway, I've no idea why Tiong Guan passed the fucking OADES report, which I SPENT ONE WHOLE NIGHT DOING ALONE, to another group to copy. What the fuck? I didn't really want to bother anymore. Hope I won't be stuck with this kind of members in future, seriously.

Sometimes all I ask for is a little appreciation. While you guys were playing your games, sleeping and enjoying in dreamland, I was up awake, doing all the report. And just because you patched like 1/5 of the circuit doesn't mean you've done a lot. I can easily do that part too, dude. Why don't you do the report alone? This is the THIRD report, and NONE OF YOU HELPED. Ok, Maclean did offered his help, but seriously, isn't it a bit too late? Firstly, PCOMSYS, then OADES and ELNDES. What have you all done? How I envy Jian Feng's and Roy's group. At least their members do their work.

Anyway, my diskettes (2 of them) somehow got corrupted before the OADES lesson, and Wee Quan drove me home so I can re-copy the OADES files and whatnots. Thanks a lot man. I didn't really have a good impression of him until today. Maybe I'm too prejudiced and stereotype people too easily. Boon Wei has been a great help for my ELNDES project as well. Seriously, thanks. Hope I've been of help to your OADES project.

Perfectionism
I've always been a perfectionist. This is probably why those people around me always feel very pressued and pushed by me. To those people who don't deserve it, sorry. Things should be as perfect as possible. Otherwise, why waste the time and effort to do them? If you want to do something, give it your all. That's all I will say. And I know some of you don't agree with me. Keep it to yourself. You probably don't even know how tough it is being a perfectionist. People say I'm proud and stuff, when all I really want is to do things as well as I can, and see where I stand.

Love & Lust
I've no idea what I am feeling right now. It's going to be 4 months since I broke up with her. In my current state all I care about is how a girl looks. But what I really want is just a nice girl who can share my dreams and stuff. I won't deny, without looks I won't even bother. Sorry if I sound like a bastard, but I've no intention of portraying myself as an angel on my blog. Dislike me if you want, despise me. I really miss the feeling of having someone wonderful by my side. But this very fact shows that I'll probably not find someone I really like for a long time. I'm scared I'll end up hurting a girl by using her as a substitute. I've no intention of doing that. Maybe I'm too young to talk about finding a soulmate and stuff. I probably am. Dreams are just dreams, they always will remain dreams. Dreams that came true before are shattered now... It's worse than them not coming true at all. But I'm still thankful I got some dreams realized for at least a while...

After I broke up with my girlfriend I've done some rather stupid things. Spending one week doing nothing but whining. Made my mother and father worry. Made my sister worry. Made my close friends worry. Went to ask a girl for her number. That was the first time I ever did that in my whole life. That girl is "5". And what do I realise now? It's probably an act to run away. I don't even know "5", how can I even like her? Seriously. And I seem to like every girl I'm talking to. What the hell? Someone please wake me up. I haven't gone to a temple for quite some time, I should go soon... Find some peace.

Dreams
My dreams are... Really... To get into the Director's List for 2 more years. Graduate with a Diploma with Merit. Then I'll have to go for NS. After that, go on to university, take Computer Science. Graduate well. Get a good job with good money. Visit my "relatives". Settle down. Enjoy life.

Hopefully get a soulmate on the way somehow. Treat her well. Spend quality time with her. Treasure her. I would want to sing Wang Jie's "Xi Wang" to her. Make her happy. Be a pillar for her. Just make her really happy. Make her parents happy. Protect her. Don't let her down.

But I don't think these dreams will come true anymore... Maybe some of them yes... I'll achieve them... But getting a soulmate, is probably impossible for someone like me. Maybe I should just forget about these dreams and work towards one goal... Power. With power I would be able to get all I want... Maybe not. I want to be happy... But I'm pessimistic by nature... Damn I should just die and be forgotten.

Alright, time to go... Got to finish up MAP by tomorrow... Good luck for your examination! ;)

...

It's going to be 7am already and I'm still awake... School starts at 9... Sigh :(. Good luck to me.

Sanity Within Insanity

Alright I just finished the OADES and ELNDES report! It was some tiring crap. Now I've to try and finish the OAD codind, or at least try to. I wish I had a group who would help me more. To Maclean, I know you want to help, but for me to delegate tasks to you right now would be too late as you don't have the necessary stuff with you. The sheets, diagrams, are all with me. Sorry about it. Anyway, thanks for offering to help.

School work has kept me busy recently, and I'm feeling composed in a way, although a part of me is probably insane already. I haven't been thinking too much. Is this considered running away? Well, I don't know. But even as I think of the past now I can somehow manage a smile. That's good enough for me. Here's some writing that I came up with...

This is the me you've created
The me you loved is now hated
From now on we're unrelated
Perhaps we were never fated


Damn. But in spite of all these "pain", there're always people who are truly suffering. Mine isn't even pain compared to theirs. I'm not worthy of saying I'm hurt.

What I am feeling isn't pain, I'm probably just longing for the past somehow. Dian said I'm trying to recreate the past and I'm probably lying to myself. I wonder... Maybe I should accept that the past is, well, the past. It's over. Time to move on.

But the weird thing is in spite of all these, there're always some people who can just brighten up your life. Damn. Maybe they're the like within my darkness ^_^. Someday I'll be the light in someone else's life. Hopefully. I will probably not be able to make anyone happy at all in my current state. Damn myself. I created this hell myself, and I can't get out of it. I need water. Water puts out fire. Fire in hell. But mine isn't really hell. It's just some stupid situation I got myself into because I let my useless heart control my mind. I want to be somebody's light :(.

But did you know I long for peace
But I can't, because this hatred exists


Hatred for... Some fuckers who will never read this blog. Some fuckers who caused my parents to broke up, and as if that wasn't enough, caused their own sister more pain. Didn't offered a helping hand. This sister of theirs... My mother. Yes, my parents were dumb enough to let those fuckers affect them that much. But that's all. My mother is already regretting at times, and my father asks about how she's doing all the time. Yet these fuckers, they just don't stop. Someday when I gain what I want I'll surely find you all. But my father says I should just forget about it already... Maybe...

I want to find peace, let my hate cease

I don't know, really. Because back then I didn't put in any effort to keep my family together. This is my error, my fault. All I want to do is make up for it now... Somehow.

Well, guess I got to go finish up the OAD now. Sorry for this really disorganised post. Take care people :). Got miss me? :P

20040922

Reflection...

Since I've nothing to do right now (actually it's more of me not wanting to do anything), and I'll probably be really busy tomorrow to even blog, I thought I would post some thoughts of mine. No, I'm not sad. Just nostalgic. You know, I really want to let go of her completely, and be able to smile when I think of the times I had with her. I want to be able to get into another relationship if I ever like someone else, and stuff. Hopefully this will happen soon :(. It's like, I can let go, but what if she ever comes back...? Sigh. Anyway, I think Chicago's "If It Were You" best describes this feeling.

There's a time when the heart can no longer give in
You try to stand up and fight
You've known pain for so long and you know what's gone wrong
But you can't make it right
Another broken heart is all you're feeling
How can you go on
But the memories of the times there was love in your eyes
Keep leading me on
(Chorus)
If it were you
Would you hold on and hope that it might
Bring back the dreams we once knew
Or just give up forever that part of your life
Tell me what would you do
If it were you
You can never take back all you've given in love
No matter how hard you try
Once it's over and done you just have to let go
Though a part of you died
Another waste of time is all that's left now
But life must go on
All the nights that we spent, never thought they would end
Why can't they go on
(Chorus)
If it were you
Would you hold on and hope that it might
Bring back the love we once knew
Or just give up forever that part of your life
Tell me what would you do
If it were you
If it were you
Tell me what would you do
If it were you
Over and over I go back through time
Didn't we promise our love till we die
Asking you deep down inside
Did we really try
Another broken heart is all that's left
But life must go on
All the nights that we spent, never thought they would end
Why can't they go on
(Chorus)

Taken from http://www.musicsonglyrics.com

If you were me, what will you do? Even if there's someone I really would want to be with right now, how can I be sure she isn't just a substitute? I don't intend to let anyone down... Especially people who aren't even involved. Another song that's really nice is Get Ready!'s "I Still Luv You".

I got your letter
and I read every line
I even showed it to my friends

The first love is the sweetest
why'd we have to throw it all away
The first love is the deepest love of all

Chorus:
If you take your love away form me
Take the emptiness inside of me
Take the tears from my eyes
The sun in the sky
Give me back my heart
Even though it's broken in two
I still luv U
I still luv U

I think about you
every night and every day
I can't get you off my mind

The first love is the sweetest
Why'd we have to throw it all away
The first love is the deepest love of all

chorus

Taken from http://www.lyrics-songs.com

Nice song ^_^. Well well :(. To a certain someone, I really do hope you get well :). I'm ashamed of myself, seeing that you can remain so happy and whatnots in spite of everything, while I"m here whining. Argh. Take care!

^_^

We finally got the damn ESD circuit working, although the counter isn't exactly counting properly. But hey, it works! YES! I just finished up my TCS project, and I'm thankful everyone in this group does his work :). Tomorrow, or rather, today (since it's past 12am) will be another stressful day :(. I've to finish up the ESD and OAD report and whatnots. Sigh :(. Anyway, I'm happy right now. Don't ask why. I don't know. Lol. Just smiling away :p. Alright, got to go now. Take care and have fun people Oh ya, to a certain someone out there, if you're reading this, I hope you recover from your sickness... Stay happy! :)

20040921

I'm Tired, Really. I Wish Things Weren't So Unfair.

My dear group, I seriously feel like just reporting you all to the teachers. What have you all done? Nothing. I know, I'm not a very good leader. Yes, I fucking need anger management. But why don't you try being the leader, and teach me, while I simply ignore you and talk about games. Have you all ever volunteered to do anything? No. When I delegate jobs, how many of you actually get it done? Almost none. Where do you get the information from? You simply copy and paste from the websites. Take PCOMSYS for example. I told each of you to do one part each. And I even gave you all the easy parts. Step 1 to 4 was done by you guys, while I did step 5 and 6. What happened? None of you actually bothered to write a report, you all simply copied from some websites. One of you even did NOTHING. Fucking hell, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE GROUP. Why don't you people trying doing steps 5 and 6? Ended up, what happened? I stayed up till 5am just to finish up the report, while you guys stayed up till 2am PLAYING YOUR FUCKING GAMES. Did you even message me asking if I needed help? No. Friends? My ass. Other than Maclean, who actually messaged me and asked if I needed help?

Even Boey, our MAP teacher, feels that you all are just spectators. He told one of our classmates that, and he told me :). No names are needed here. The fact is you people are spectators. While other groups split up the MAP project into various portions, such as one person doing the LCD display messages, while another one does the input and output functions, etc., you people simply sit around me and watch me. Even worse, you sit around me and talk about your fucking games. If you don't want to help, fine. Don't disturb me. When I asked you to do, what did you say? "I don't know." "I don't understand." FUCK YOU. You think I was born knowing all these? I took the time to read through everything, from Seminar 1 to Seminar 10, from Lab Sheet 1 to Lab Sheet 6, just to understand how things work. It took me an hour or so. MAP lasts for 4 hours each session. And 4 sessions or so have past and you haven't done a shit to help me. Is taking 1 hour out of that 16 hours just to read something that difficult?

Even now, I stay up late every night just do try and finish up the OAD and MAP codes. Who's going to get the marks? YOU. YOU ARE FUCKING GOING TO GET THE MARKS WHEN YOU'VE DONE NOTHING. Have I ever once whined? Have you all ever bothered to take your own initiative and just read up and at least TRY to help? No. Then you expect me to explain to you? To be honest, I RATHER HELP ROY than help you people, although he's not from my group. AT LEAST he listens. You ask for my help, I explain, you don't understand, and you blame me? Why don't you blame yourself for not doing any revision at all?

I delegated some tasks to you all yesterday. One of you was supposed to do the MAP codes. All I asked of you was to find out how to fix that unneeded infinite loop. And I just talked to you online, and what have you done? Nothing. You're still downloading the IDE. Good. So I told you, to help me draw the class diagram for our OAD report. And you complain and whine, saying it's tough and stuff. HELLO? THE CLASS DIAGRAM ISN'T EVEN 10% of the overall project? Why don't you come and do the coding? I'm doing the coding, the collaboration diagram, use-case diagram, EVERYTHING else. ALL I AM ASKING IS FOR ONE FUCKING CLASS DIAGRAM. Never mind this.

Another one of you was supposed to try out the ESD circuit. At least you tried. I"m glad. But you didn't make it work. I hope you can get it to work by tomorrow so we can integrate everything together. And who has actually volunteered to help in the ESD report? Have I said anything? I've to fucking finish by TCS by Wednesday, OAD and ESD by Thursday. And I'm doing the reports and compilations for all of them. Want to take over me? Thankfully the TCS group isn't with you guys.

Fucking anti-socials with no morals at all. No conscience... I hope we get to change groups next semester. Good luck to you people and your new groups then.

For A Friend

Dude you know who you are. Just want to tell you not to get angry over those friends of yours. Never mind that you've known them for a long time. Think. During this time, have they ever treated you as a friend? Always making fun of your size. I know you can take it. What you can't is the fact they aren't there when you need them. And one of them even said you don't even care about them. Fuck them. They've their stupid ego problems, and don't even know their own limits. Don't get so affected by them. To begin with, you spend most of your time in school with us, the CENT gang. Haha. Cheer up man!

Oh ya, my OAD is nearly done now, and I'm really tired to think about it. The MAP didn't work :(. Got to recode some parts of it. And the ELNDES circuit finally worked. Yay! Tomorrow will be another stressful day... Bah. Anyway, on a side note, I really miss having a sweet girl in my arms :(. Hug hug hug :(. Alright got to go now...

20040919

Miss You Finally

Well, sorry I haven't been updating much recently. Lots of work to do. ELNDES, OAD, MAP, TCS, and none of them are completed. Sigh. Got to finish them all as soon as possible. I will reaching school around 9am tomorrow just to patch up the ELNDES circuit, and if I've time I will try out my MAP. Anyway, my ex-girlfriend came online yesterday, and talked. Hey, if you're reading this, sorry I didn't greet you first. I didn't see you coming online. Well, both of us talked like nothing ever happened, and she still talked like the old times...

.h8 - http://shuxy.blogspot.com - In My Dreams You No Longer... Smile. says:
haha i see.. =]
.h8 - http://shuxy.blogspot.com - In My Dreams You No Longer... Smile. says:
study hard
.i.know.this.is.a.feeling.that.i.just.can't.fight.you're.the.first.and.last.thing.on.my.mind. says:
yeah.
.i.know.this.is.a.feeling.that.i.just.can't.fight.you're.the.first.and.last.thing.on.my.mind. says:
have already started.
.i.know.this.is.a.feeling.that.i.just.can't.fight.you're.the.first.and.last.thing.on.my.mind. says:
hahaha
.i.know.this.is.a.feeling.that.i.just.can't.fight.you're.the.first.and.last.thing.on.my.mind. says:
that's so unlike me.
.i.know.this.is.a.feeling.that.i.just.can't.fight.you're.the.first.and.last.thing.on.my.mind. says:
but guess wad.
.i.know.this.is.a.feeling.that.i.just.can't.fight.you're.the.first.and.last.thing.on.my.mind. says:
my latest chinese test i got 51/60!
.i.know.this.is.a.feeling.that.i.just.can't.fight.you're.the.first.and.last.thing.on.my.mind. says:
hahaha
.i.know.this.is.a.feeling.that.i.just.can't.fight.you're.the.first.and.last.thing.on.my.mind. says:
my highest for chinese i ever got.
.h8 - http://shuxy.blogspot.com - In My Dreams You No Longer... Smile. says:
ah..
.h8 - http://shuxy.blogspot.com - In My Dreams You No Longer... Smile. says:
haha
.h8 - http://shuxy.blogspot.com - In My Dreams You No Longer... Smile. says:
good for you!


Yeah... Sort of sad... Anyway she wants me to concentrate on my studies and stuff, and not to think about the date I've with her. I guess she read through my blog... Well, I'm pretty sure she won't be reading this anytime soon... :). Just want you to know that I'm really doing fine already. Thanks for your concern. Anyway, the song "Miss You Finally" by Trademark is really nice... Do listen to it. The lyrics (from http://www.azlyrics.com):

But I miss you finally
But I miss you finally
Try to remember all these years
We shared the love we shared the tears
Thought that forever it would be
I realize you lie to me
I still hold on
Still dream of days when we were one
[CHORUS]
You played with my heart
You played with my mind
But I miss you finally
Right from the start
My love made me blind
But I miss you finally
All of these promises you made
This 4 letter word it seems to...
Baby it's hard to understand
Now that you're gone
We reached the end
I still believe
Still dream of days when we were one
[Chorus 3X]
You played with my heart
You played with my mind
Right from the start
My love made me blind


Girl, I'm not saying you played with me in anyway, just that this song's nice, and I really do miss you sometimes ^_^. I've told you before already, I wouldn't want to think of you as playing... :).

On another note, a friend of mine was telling me about her friend's boyfriend. Let's call this guy A. Anyway, it seems some other girl wants to have sex with A, and A is actually considering it. Well, he even sent an MMS with a picture of his penis attached to his girlfriend, with the words "For you to think of sucking." For fuck's sake, have some respect for your own girlfriend. ANYWAY, for those interested, here's his Friendster. I'm sure I will be disturbing him somehow. May chaos be with you :).

20040917

1/2 Alive

Yeah! Cleared the Math test. Should be able to pass, hopefully :). Anyway, did most of the OAD project already, just left with A SMALL BIT, before I complete the whole thing. Yay! Damn, I'm having MAP in like 6 hours, and I have done nothing for it yet :(. Our ESD circuit isn't working too :(. Sigh. Bah. Anyway, got to go sleep soon, sorry I haven't been blogging much. Been very busy. Alright, take care people! ZzZzZ...

20040916

1/2 Dead

Damn it I've a Math test in like 10 hours or so and I haven't even started studying. It's already 12.20am, and I'm still slacking. Fuck. Why can't I be more motivated to study? I came home around 3pm yesterday, and watched Inu Yasha till around 5pm. Then I slept till 9pm, and wasted my time online till 10pm. Instead of studying, I went to work out till 11pm. As though it's not late enough, I took a short nap till around 12am, and finally went to bathe. And here I am now, still unprepared. Fuck. Anyway, during the 5pm to 9pm nap, I had a lot of dreams. One of them was me going clubbing and hooking up with two girls? Weird. I don't go clubbing to begin with. Another dream was me meeting up with my ex-girlfriend, and lots of bad things happened. Basically I asked her for one more chance and was denied and insulted. Weird. Whatever. Alright, time to REALLY study. Damn. What time will I get to sleep :(.

20040915

Pain Is Good

I'm so sick of all these shit happening around me. I can barely save myself, yet I want to help others. Am I stupid or what? If they actually appreciate it, it's ok. Some don't even give a damn. They're sad and here I am, spending and wasting time to cheer them up, and they don't even reply online. Fuck it.

Examinations are coming soon, and I'm not the least bit prepared. I'm worried about unnecessary stuffs everyday. To be honest, all I've been thinking if what I would do when I meet up with her sometime in October. It won't be like the past anymore. I really have no idea how I should be behaving. The girl I no isn't even alive anymore. Yes, she's still sweet, but that's about it. Why I can't completely let go of her, I will never know. The memories are priceless to me. Although they cause me pain. Maclean says I'm stupid to even meet her, especially when I know it'll surely be painful for myself. Thanks friend, but I just want a bit more pain to realise some stuffs. Pain is good, running away isn't. If you break a bone, you've to go through an operation, which is definitely painful as well. But you recover after that. Get it? So yeah. Life's pretty boring without pain and sadness. After all, without sadness, what's happiness?

One day, I might really submit myself to anything just for power. You all won't understand this. Maybe Maclean does. Without power, nothing else matters... At least, not right now. I think I will stop fooling around and making a joke out of myself. Some people seem to hate me for that :(.

Alright, this is just some random crap from me, as usual. Got to go sleep already. Good night!

20040914

Photos...

No, I'm not posting photos of myself. I was reading Nicholas' blog, and he's talking about memories of his ex-girlfriend... And stuff. Damn, boy cheer up! But people, other than ONE single neoprint, I've never taken a photo with her before... Not... Even one. I've taken photos of her, posing and whatnots for me, but I just remembered, I've never taken a photo with her before, other than that ONE neoprint. Just one. And I still have it. And like Nicholas, I still keep every single thing she has given me before. Letters, gifts, whatever. Things she gave me before we broke up, before we got together. Everything's... Still here. And yeah, Nicholas, I DON'T UNDERSTAND how some people can hop in and out of relationships so quickly, yet claiming they're hurt and stuff. Seriously. Cheers brother! Examinations are coming!

Tonight, I Celebrate Alone

Was talking to a guy friend of mine online just now, he's very down :(. Hope he gets better. I think, break-ups either make or break a person. Also talked to someone else, who's very sad after a break-up. Damn. Seriously, break-ups either make you a stronger person, or they completely destroy your self-esteem, and your life. It depends on how you take it, and who was there for you when it happens I think. For me, I was lucky. It destroyed my self-esteem for a while, but my good friends and parents were all there. Even my sister was. Anyway, the 13th and 14th of every month is very special to me, cause she left me on the 13th, and on the 14th we met and talked through things. You know, even when you deny, memories are always within you. You can forget them by playing soccer with your friends, by drinking. But when you sleep, they appear you in your dreams. Your ex-sweet-perfect-girlfriend, holding your hands, smiling at you, saying "I love you", hugging you, falling down, crying, everything. It just happens. Sometimes I think, maybe I don't really want to forget her. She's been a great girl for 2 years.

You know, in my current state, I only judge everything by its cover. Sometimes I see the ugliness in a beautiful person, and beauty in a ugly person, but that's rare. Damn I really can't understand myself at times. Anyway, good luck to Mr VP and "Daphnie". LOL.

Heh, the song "Tonight I Celebrate My Love" by Peabo Bryson & Roberta Flack is nice. But tonight, I celebrate alone.

20040913

To A Friend Of Mine (You Know Who You Are!)

Hey boy, if you read this, do cheer up man. There're many fishes in the sea. I know, that was a special fish, but hey, life goes on. Since there's no special fish now, look for a special tree. There're many trees in the forest. Someday there might be someone you like, who reciprocates your feelings for her. Then you two can fall in love, and you'll probably be in paradise making love too. Lol. Joking. Cheer up man! The "hia dis" will be there for you. There're more important things in life too. Be glad she was honest with you ^_^. My father told me, at this age, relationships should only take up 30% of our time at most. To all girls out there, no offense. I think he's right, although you probably can't do it. Just like me. Lol. Great guys think alike! But yeah, seriously, we still got to study, do well in life and shit. Still have parents to repay, yeah? Friends too. One day I'm going to help all my friends who are in need, you too, right? This quote, is for you.

Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. - John Wooden

Alright? Tomorrow will be a better day. I want a girl too though, damn it. Fuck. I would have posted on your blog itself if not for the fact I've to register. Anyway, it would make you proud to read this :p. Lol.

GROUP WORK? Don't Fucking Make Me Laugh.

I've had enough of you all. You fucking know who you are. And yes, I'll surely name you if I need to. Four PBL subjects, one group. You all chose me to be the leader for all four, but have any of you ever treated me as one? Fuck you and your intelligence. I could've chosen another group, if not for the fact I treated you all as friends. I'd rather work with a retard who actually TRIES, then with fuckers like you all. Some of you within the group aren't like this, you know who you are. But I can say most of you are. All I'm asking for is for you all to PLAY YOUR PART. OADES, PCOMSYS, ELNDES, MAP. TELL ME, WHICH ONE HAVE YOU ALL HELPED ME WITH?

For OADES, I'm practically doing ALL THE CODING. You think it's easy? Do you all know every night I spend some time reading up, just so that I could do the coding and stuff? AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ALL DOING? Playing your FUCKING Priston Tale, Ragnarok Online, Cronous, ETC. ETC.? IF YOU READ THIS AND YOU ARE UNHAPPY, COME TALK TO ME. I've already talked to you all once, and you all didn't even take it seriously. Commented by saying I was giving a lecture? Fucking shit, WHEN I broke up with her, I didn't even use it as an excuse to NOT do my work. Then what excuses am I getting from you people? "Very tired." "Shit, la. I cannot play PT." "I have to meet J*****a." "I got gym." What else? Which of these are actually VALID reasons?

Let's move on. For ELNDES, all I did was ask the rest of you patch up the circuits, while I drew the whole thing out. You think it's easy to do that? I'll switch places with you. YOU FUCKING DRAW THE CIRCUIT, WHILE I SIMPLY PATCH IT UP? Alright? THEN GO ON AND EXPLAIN TO THAT TEACHER of ours. Want? Whine and whine, saying the circuit can't work. ONE OF YOU EVEN had the guts to lose your temper at me. Dude, just because you're physically stronger than me doesn't fucking give you that right. If you REALLY THINK you're right, by all means, come. Having a fucked up teacher is already bad enough, DON'T FUCKING ADD TO IT. "YC clever. He can do." YA YA, I AM CLEVER, AND YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID. AT LEAST TRY? ELNDES is my worst subject too. Just because I passed while you failed doesn't mean I'm good at it. I BARELY passed.

For PCOMSYS, some of you don't even do the notes. I've already kept quiet about it. What else? For teaching sessions, INSTEAD OF YOU doing the teaching, you ask me to do it? Whatever for? When it's YOUR PART. I've already done more than enough. I EVEN HELPED YOU WITH THE NOTES. And what do I get? "Willie's a better teacher." and off you go, to his group. YOU FUCKING KNOW WHO YOU ARE. One day I'm going to punch you, for sure.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST, MAP. What the fuck are you people doing during MAP? Sitting behind me talking about your games, while I do all the coding? HELLO? CAN'T YOU TAKE OUT THE FUCKING DATA BOOK AND TRY?

If YOU THINK I AM TALKING SHIT, LET ME TELL YOU THIS FIRST. I HAVEN'T touched a game since the term tests started. If you don't believe me, by all means, give me a call, I'll pass it to my mother or WHOEVER you want, and let you ask all you want. How about asking Roy and some others what I've been doing? The people from P02 are actually helping me, unlike you all. AND THEY AREN'T EVEN IN OUR GROUP. You think I like asking them? Why don't you try writing a fucking PCOMSYS report all by yourself? Sent me your information, and that's it? Let me tell you, MOST OF THE STUFF you've sent is REDUNDANT, and YOU KNOW IT. And you fucking just send it and "Hey, it's none of my business anymore?" You don't even ask if I need any more help. Fuck you. Friends? My ass. When your computer was down, I went to your house, fixed it up, till late at night. Ended up taking a cab home? Did you pay? Ask yourself. And yes, I'm referring to more than one person here. You don't know what a friend is, neither do you have one. All you have are tools to make use of, including me. Selfish self-centered fucked-up egoistic piece of junk. THE TERM IS ALREADY COMING TO AN END, STOP PLAYING YOUR STUPID GAMES.

20040912

ShuX VS YC

ShuX: Boy it's time to let go already, she's left you and that's that. Why do you keep blaming yourself? What do you think you'll get by doing this? Do you think she even cares? Let go, it's over already.

YC: Dude you don't understand anything. How much she means to me and all. It's 2 years for God's sake. It's not 2 months. I can't help but feel she's like this right now because of me. Because of my temper, I made her the way she is right now. It's over already, yes, but I just want to bring her back.

ShuX: It's ONLY 2 years. Your parents got a divorce after 20 years. Stop whining and get on with life. Even if it was 200 years, what difference does it make? Without love, nothing can even begin. Bring her back? What makes you so sure it was your fault?

YC: I know that. And that's why I feel I'm lucky compared to my father. I am getting on with life, but memories keep coming back. Can you tell me what it was for that 2 years? If it was love, why did it end? It ended in 2 days. Maybe even less. Can she really forget someone like this?

ShuX: If I knew the answer to that, I would be God. You've got to accept the fact that there are times when questions are better off unanswered. Didn't you promise your father to work hard, succeed, and get stronger?

YC: The thing is I can't accept it. Everything must have an answer. Yes, I promised my father. AND I AM DOING IT. But everything feels so meaningless without her by my side. She saw me through a lot of things, I literally watched her grow up. Do you understand?

ShuX: No, I can't understand you. You watched her grow up? Big deal? Did you know how many friends you've neglected while with her? How many hearts have you broken? How many times have you let your mother down? You willing to sacrifice all that, once more, just to get her back?

YC: I know my mistakes. And I really regretted throwing away all of that for her. All I"m asking for is just one more chance, and this time around I'll make sure I let no one down.

ShuX: If you're a man, let it go already. She doesn't even care for you. As you cry, does she? As you miss her, does she? She says she does, but can you really believe that?

YC: I want to believe that, can't you understand?

ShuX: I can never understand you, because you don't even understand yourself. Because I am you, and you are me...

New Haircut

Lol I got a haircut, done by my very own friend, Kelvin. Thank you buddy. Lol :D.

YC

YC

20040911

Thoughts

Although I'm really happy and thankful for everything my good friends have done, there's this little part of me that's really confused and screwed... I've been trying to study for my psychology test which I'll have to take later, but all my mind's been thinking about is my ex-girlfriend. Not that I'm sad, but sometimes I just wonder... If she hadn't left me, wouldn't... I be the happiest man right now? Good friends, sweet girlfriend, my life would be near-perfect. I don't know how to express what I feel in a proper way, so I'm just going to type out a letter, addressed to her again. She probably won't read this though, so it's ok.

-
Dear girl,
I've no idea where to start. I only know I didn't intend to contact you at all, and all along, I had been thinking, that if ever you call me, what would I do? How would I reply? But then you had to send me some birthday sms "accidentally" with your sister's phone. And it was sent one day in advance. I even thought I had dialled your number by mistake, somehow... Maybe I really missed you. Only later on did I realise that I was actually diverted to your house number because you turned off your sister's phone when I tried to call. When I talked, I wanted to just... Put down. That's what I wanted to. But then I heard your sweet voice, and I knew I couldn't. Then we talked, and you once again, like the old times, told me about your dreams of becoming a ballet teacher, among others. You even asked how my friends were. How Maclean, Kelvin, Gregory, Alan, and the rest of my good friends were doing. Why do you still care? Then you told me you had broken up with the guy you left me for, because he wasn't committed. Girl, how many guys are you going to hurt just because you're unsure? After you left me, you should've at least taken some time to make sure of your own feelings, but you didn't. You even told me insultingly that you were really sure you LOVED him. Why then, did you leave him? Now you're telling me it's an infatuation. So I asked you for another chance, and you didn't want to give. Pride? I already threw mine away for you once, and now I'm swallowing it once more, just for one more chance with you. But I didn't get it. I asked for a date, and you agreed. It would happen after your examinations. But I already know, that date would probably be the last date for us, ever. I also told you a lot of stuffs that happened after we broke up. I KNOW, some of them aren't pleasant to hear, some of them sounds like I'm a playboy and stuff, BUT GIRL, DID YOU KNOW WHY I EVEN TOLD THEM TO YOU? Because I wanted to believe that you still cared, that's why, I told them to you so you could actually stop wondering if I'm doing fine.

But what did I get? The next day, on my birthday, 12.20am, you gave me a "Happy Birthday" sms. I appreciate it, I really do. I still keep that message, together with all the wonderful messages you used to send me. It was a forwarded message, and you added some personal stuff to it afterwards. You said "PS: Happy 18th bday! hope you have a burfday filled with smiles and love. may ur wishes come true on this very special day n stay nice!:) don't change. take cares n good luck in ur present and future endeavours!:p nitey! sweetest dreams! -snores-" I called you back to thank you, and we talked for the second time since we stopped contacting each other two months or so ago. And what did you say when I asked if we could've another chance? You still said no. I asked you why... And finally you said, "I feel you've become more open, but in a worse way." Just because I told you certain things? I've not touched nor played any girl since I left you, neither do I have a right to. Why then, do you say this? You also said that you always felt very lousy when you are with me. What exactly did I do wrong? Why do you always keep running away from facts? You admitted you've been blaming me for everything for no reason at all, just so that you could get on with your own life. How selfish can you get?

Don't change? I've tried VERY hard not to. And what did I get, girl? You, who haven't contacted me at all, saying I've changed for the worse and stuff, just because of a SINGLE sentence I said? I'm only asking for one chance to start all over again, starting as friends. I don't even get it. I just want to be with you once more... That's all.
-

To my friends, thanks for everything, and I'm fine. Don't worry :D. You all have already done more than enough as friends. Well, most of you anyway. You know who you are. Someday I'll repay you all. Thank you all, really.

20040910

Fun x 3

Today was a relatively good day. Reached MAP late as usual, and as usual, my group sat around talking cock. Well, can't really blame them today, I wasn't in the mood to talk or teach them too. Still, sometimes I wish they could just put in a bit more effort, like the other groups. Anyway, after MAP ended, I skipped the EMATH3 lecture with the rest of them, and had lunch. It was around 12pm by then, and my next lesson, Psychology, is at 4pm. Lol. After eating, I saw "5", and well she's still cute. Went to the CENT room afterwards, to find that the iHub people are there, as usual -_-. I then went to the library with Andrew and some others, and we practically slept on the 2nd floor. I woke up only around 3pm or so, and after slacking around for a while longer, went for my psychology lesson. Anyway, my teacher had to mention that it's alright to photocopy your friends' journal for the psychology test tomorrow, and one FUCKER who has a severe attitude problem came to ask me for it. I was like "Seriously, fuck..." Anyway, I ended up telling him I would only send him a few of my stuff at most, and that there're some people I would help wilingly, and some I wouldn't. Bah whatever.

After school, I was supposed to play soccer with the CENT gang, but the astro turf was in use. In the end, I had to leave with Joven, Boon Tiong, and Hong Wen to find Kelvin, because they had already made plans for me for today. Sorry to the CENT gang, and the others who were there. Anyway, went to KTV with them, had some great fun. Heh. Thanks "hia dis". Lol ^_^.

Afterfun

Damn, thanks to all my dear friends. It was one hell of a birthday :D. This is the first time in a really long while that my birthday's NOT during the holidays. Anyway, basically, I was 1/2 drunk most of the time, thanks to Maclean making me drink around 3/4 of a 330ml bottle of Black Cat. Stupid 40% alcohol drink :(. This is my first time drinking in a long while :D. Anyway, my friends bought for me a New Balance jacket(?), which was really nice. Bah, words cannot describe how thankful I am for this wonderful, though short, party they organised. To those who turned up, thanks a lot. Hm... Too many to name, I'm lazy :P. It was really fun... Although some people I wished were there wasn't, but damn it, I'm not going to let one or two people spoil the fun. Anyway, I found out later one that Maclean actually went to email "5", and invited her... Too bad she didn't reply.

Kelvin and Hong Wen joined us later on, and then most of them left for some meeting, leaving only me, Kelvin, Hong Wen, and Boon Tiong. Ah! Old friends of mine :D. We proceeded to take some more pictures, while I'm still in my drunken stupor. Anyway, after that, Boon Tiong sent me home. Lol. Thanks man :p. It was around 7pm or so. I then slept all the way... Till 11pm. Alright, it's late, I'm going to sleep... Someday I'll type what exactly happened during the talk with my ex-girlfriend, but hey, now's not the time :D. Thanks for reading once again, the blog/diary of a really ordinary boring brat.

To Dian, Hilmi, & Asheeq: Thanks for that wonderful "Happy Birthday" right in front of YOUR audience! Haha ^_^. Thanks thanks thanks!

Here's one of my favourite pictures taken during the celebration (Thanks to Raj for taking the pictures.):

YC
Retarded YC With Cake All Over His Face...

20040908

Birthday!

Bah, it finally came. Yay! Finally 18! HAHA. Legal age now! Yay yay yay! I'll miss the jokes about me not being of legal age though :(. Thanks to those who wished me Happy Birthday. I can't remember who's the first, but still, thanks to:

Special:
Ethelyn (Thank you, that's all I can say. I'm grateful.)

Friends:
Jie Yan
Norahs
Maclean (THE ONLY PERSON WHO CALLED! I feel so honoured. Lol. Thanks brother.)
Kelvin
Reena
Alysa
Sylvia (I'm surprised... Thanks girl.)
Lionel (Another one. Happy birthday to you too!)
Daphnie
Isabel
Hong Wen
Nicholas (Don't worry dude, it's never too late.)
Poh Tiam (He called too. But it was way too late :p. Joking. Thanks man!)
Soo Chin
Joven
Charlotte
Eshlyn
Andrew
Tiffany
Raj
Gregory
Dian
Hilmi
Asheeq
Jie Min
Dawn (Glad to see you back with him. All the best!)
Alan (FINALLY YOU CALL! Damn! Haha.)
Fatimah
Chris (Thanks for the CENT shirt.)
Jia Hua (Same as above. :p)
Erwin
Tiong Guan
Roy
Boon Tiong
Angie
Jimmy
Wayne
Celestine
Alvin

Relatives:
Aunt Helen
Aunt Alicia (Thank you?)

MY FATHER AND MOTHER. My father gave me 180 dollars, while my mother already bought for me a workout bench which costs 199 dollars. My paternal grandmother too :D.

Lol :). On another note, good luck to Kelvin! Haha, you know what I mean. Sorry I didn't hold a party for you people. I'll do something to make up for it if possible... :).

Thanks for the jacket people! Thanks for that Black Cat too. I'm still having a headache. Lol. Boon Tiong, thanks for sending me home. Lol :D. I'll type more tomorrow. Giddy and tired now. Lol.

Sorry to anyone I left out, really blur now. Anyway, feel free to download the pictures here. DOWNLOAD. DOWNLOAD. Note: I look like complete dipshit.

20040907

Retarded 2002 Pictures

YC/

YC/

YC/

Lol. These pictures make me smile somehow. Anyway, we took these pictures for free, that explains why there're so many :D. Kelvin did something to the machine, and we took them for free. That was back then... :).

Another Day Passes By

I didn't really enjoy much today, been thinking about her. I know the chances of us ever getting back together again is close to 0%, and I also know that it would be hard even if we get back together. But I think, after yesterday, that I've been really... Lying to myself all these while. If there's a second chance, I would take it. I would take it. I asked her yesterday, if she minded a date, and she said she didn't mind one, sometime after her examinations. She said she'd call me after that, so yeah. But we'll probably just go out as friends, and that's that. Maybe some things are just fated, we can't force someone to like us. Without love, there's nothing. No matter how much you try, how hard you try, without love, nothing will work. I don't even know what I want now. On another note, I don't think I dialled the wrong number... That number was my ex-girlfriend's sister's number... And it got diverted it seems... I called and asked her this morning, and she finally admitted she sent that message, but it was by accident. She wanted to forward that message from her sister's phone to her own one, but somehow she sent to me. She said she's sorry she didn't admit it yesterday, because she didn't know how and what to say. All I can say is, I would want to believe her, even if it's hard, and... Maybe somewhere in her mind I'm still there, that's why she sent to me, of all people. But then again that's only my foolish self. I thought I could hate her and stuff, but when I talked to her I couldn't help but revert to my old self towards her...

Tomorrow's finally my birthday. Maclean and the rest seems to have planned something for me. Thanks guys. Hope it's not some stupid thing :P. Also, thanks to Nicholas and the rest for lending a ear. It's nice talking to fucktards like you all :P. Seriously, thanks. I'll treat you all to something nice when I ever have the money. Damn the fucking Director List, there's no monetary award :(. Or I would have taken it and used it on you all. Now I've to work. Damn...

It doesn't matter how hard you try
No matter how much you cry
Even till the day you die
Once a girl says goodbye
You can only ask why

She won't be back...

I'm stuck.

BY THE WAY, to a fucking classmate of mine whom I shall not name, please take note of this. I didn't copy your TCS presentation, nor your ideas, because I practically slept through your presentation. Don't think that just because you're from some JC, you've a right to push your weight around here. I think you've succeeded in doing well in your studies, but in return, I can see you're stressed. It's obvious. You've more pimples than skin, more pride than character :). Do take care, you won't go far this way. For sure. Working hard just for your fucking pride and ego, don't make me laugh. I despise you.

At Peace... For Now

Someone sms-ed me a "Happy Birthday" message just now, and I really wondered who it was. Anyway, I tried calling the person back but he either didn't picked up, or cancelled it. Then he turned off his handphone. Anyway... I somehow dialled my ex-girlfriend's number by mistake, ended up talking to her... Been a long time. Talked about lots of stuffs... Don't want to say too much, just that, for now I feel really at peace.

20040906

Old Pictures

I've nothing to do now, and I came across some old pictures of myself just now. Anyway, here's one of them.

YC
I'm on the left. This picture was taken in 2002. The one on the right is Kelvin.

20040905

Writings

Rhythm Of Two Hearts
My heart is broken but it still beats
A steady rhythm filled with sadness
Will I ever see you on the streets?
If I do, will I plunge into madness?

Your heart is frozen but it still beats
A steady rhythm filled with hatred
Will you acknowlege me if we meet?
If you do, in your heart am I dead?

Our hearts used to beat together
With happiness and sadness, smiles and tears
But yours changed, like the weather
How did it happen, after 2 years?
- September 05, 2004

Trash Friends
Don't act like you know me
Because you very well don't
You called me your brother
But the truth couldn't be further

Didn't help when I needed it
Because you didn't give a damn
You acted like you tried
But it was obvious you lied

Don't ask me for help again
Because I don't want to help
I considered you a friend
But all you did was depend

Don't try to lie anymore
Because I don't want to deny
I really want to hate you
Say bye and fuck you
- September 05, 2004

Burn Me Alive

3 more days and it's my birthday, and here I am, not the least bit excited. All I'm thinking about is, "Is she going to wish me happy birthday?" I really wonder. I've already let go of her, I'm moving on, but some things just keep coming back. Sigh. And I've so many projects to rush, and none of my project groups are actually nice to work with. No offense to anyone. Maybe I should suffer a bit more to realise more things. Pain is essential to realise what's peace. Without suffering, what is peace? Life has been too good to me I guess, having made some real fun friends, playing soccer with them, laughing, joking, making a fool of myself with them. But when I come home, all alone, I can barely smile. I've to see a daily conflict between my mother and sister, and I love them both, but my sister's too childish for her own good. She doesn't understand how much hurt she's causing my mother. What can I do as a brother? I've talked to her, scolded her, and nothing seems to work. I guess I'll just let my mind enter some imaginary sort of world for a while, and write a letter for my ex-girlfriend. Here it goes...

Dear girl,
This is the second time I'm writing a letter here, and I know you won't be reading it. A part of me wants to thank you for the good times, yet a part of me can't help but feel like hating you for the bad times. But girl, to hate you would render the two years of happiness I had with you meaningless. I used to talk to you every night, about what's going on in my life, about my conflicts with friends, about everything! And you would do the same. Now there's no one left for me to talk to, other than a select group of friends. And I know, even within these friends, there're some who only behave like they care, but when the real trouble comes, they're gone. I can't talk to them like I did with you. I made a mistake by depending on you too much, I was weak. Only now do I realise my mistake, and I'm trying to rebuild everything from scratch. Dreams I shared with you, your dream house and stuff, they're all gone. I used to think you're really sweet to think so far, but now I realise how naive I was to believe you. Maybe you did mean it at that time, but your maturity level is well below that of someone who has a right to say all these. Girl, you haven't even called me yet, you haven't even tried to see how I'm doing. Those two years were nothing to you. What was I to you? This isn't love. Maybe love doesn't exist in this world anymore. I see so many couples in the streets, acting so lovingly, but I know, when they're alone, in their own private rooms, most of them simply want each other's bodies. I once read an article, that states that love will last more than three years, while lust will end before three years. I guess ours was lust. When you left, you said we could remain as the best of friends, that you didn't want me to hate you. Didn't you say them just to ease your own heart of guilt? I only lower my maturity level down to yours, and acted like I believed them because I didn't want the relationship to end with negative feelings. I wanted a mutual breakup, and deep inside me, I wanted to believe you. But you lied. Even then, I wanted to go on hoping. But I already know, hope always fails. Why is it then, that even now, I still worry how you're doing? I don't know. I already accepted the fact that me and you being together again is no longer possible. I wouldn't trust you anymore anyway. Why then do I still care? As I pray sometimes, why do I still pray for your peace? And even now, as I come to the end of this letter, I still want to wish you good luck with life, may you find happiness. Maybe, I'm trying to make up for the wrongs I've done, the wrongs... You said you didn't mind. But when you left, you said you did. Why then... Do I deny the wrongs you've done? Girl, this quote is for you, from me.

I miss you a little, I guess you could say, a little too much, a little too often, and a little more each day. - Anonymous

Random Crap

I Judge A Book By Its Cover
If you don't judge a book by its cover, then how are you going to judge it? Its contents? To begin with, the cover has to be attractive enough to attract you, so that you can even begin to read the contents. Put that aside, how long are you going to take to finish reading a book? By the time you finish reading it, you might be bored of the book already. In that case, your judgement would be wrong and prejudiced. Even if you're not bored, what makes you so sure you read the book and interpreted it the way it's meant to be? What if the book isn't what you think it is? You see, even before reading the book, you already made some judgement, what you think the book would be like and such. People who tell me they don't judge a book by its cover at all, are either, good liars, or pure people.

Damn Myself
Yesterday I had some stupid dream of my ex-girlfriend again. I think I talked to her on the phone or something... When I woke up, I immediately looked for my handphone, thinking it was a real thing. Only after a while did I realise it was a dream. Damn, it's time to move on already, my dear brain, please stop dreaming of the past.

Sadistic Desires - Chop Off My Leg!

I was talking to my friend Dian on the phone, when we talked about the old times we had, and also about my ex-girlfriend. LOL. As I stated in an earlier post, I can't help but laugh each time I think about what her father say. I think I can actually sue him for that, according to Singapore law. I can get the PPO (Personal Protection Order) or something. Bah, too bad I'm not rich enough to play this kind of games. Oh ya, her brother too, it'll probably be fun to see him someday, considering how he likes to act friendly and shit with me :). People, if I sound like I'm bearing grudges, no. I'm just thinking of what I would do if I ever see them, I've to return the favour you know? Maybe when the time comes I won't be able to do it, but I'll probably be able to anyway. Damn it. Maybe when I'm tired I become sadistic. Or something.

Whatever happened to the girl I know
The two years I had can't be fake
Where are you now my darling
I still miss you every night


Bullshit post from me.

Pride & Ego

Was chatting with Andrew online just now, when we were talking about how much pride and ego means to us, and to some of our friends. Anyway, Andrew is similar in a way to me in that we don't really have a big ego. We give way when needed, help when others seem to need it, and stuff. However, some of our friends (you know who you are), have a really big ego. I do respect them for really being able to stand alone, and stuff, but what I would want to ask them are the following questions...

1. If your pride is going to make you lose friends, is it worth it?
2. Is it that hard to help someone just because you don't want to seem to be of a "lower rank"?
3. Is is that hard to apologise?
4. Why do you even care about pride, if you seriously don't care what others think about you?

Alright, I guess I'll leave it as that. Once again, I've no intentions of starting any conflict. So if I do, pardon me. Take care people! :)

20040904

Stuff...

It seems I really had a lot of dreams yesterday. While outside just now, I remembered I dreamt of my paternal grandmother falling real sick, or that she died or something. DAMN. Please do not come true, this dream :(. I also dreamt of some other stuffs, but I can't remember them anymore.

Anyway, I just got home after playing soccer, and slacking at Tampines with my friends. Haha ^^. Had a real fun game of soccer today, although I got exhausted really quickly, due to me being really unfit, and the retardedly hot weather. Lol. Anyway, I've a lot of stuff on my mind now. Going to type them out throughout the night, when I feel like doing so. On a side note, thanks to an old friend who posted some comments on one of my posts :). I appreciate it.

Had a nice talk with Andrew on the way home (Bus 38). Haha =). Good luck with her, Mr VP!

Also, to a girl friend of mine, who got attached recently, as much as I would want to see you happy and stuff, please realise that some things are not what they seem to be. Love is blind. If you're reading this, you'll surely know who you are. If you aren't, then it's probably fated. It's not just me, but there're others who would agree with me. You know who you are. No names, sorry. We would have talked to you personally about this, but you would probably hate us for it. True happiness comes from a clear mind... Not what you're currently experiencing now. I hope for you, that if your relationship ever fails, that you do not become some bitch or something. Most girls do. Please take care. Below is a poem I've written for you, if it offends you, sorry.

Girl you're just getting played
Why can't you see what we see?
Someday you'll get betrayed
By him whom you thought loved you

He'll probably want to screw you
Make you suck and swallow
You probably don't have a clue
How's he's playing his filthy games

When he's bored and feel it's time
He'll simply leave you and go
You'll be shocked till you're numb
Why do you want to go on being dumb?


On another note, I took some personality test yesterday during my psychology class, and I'm a "Giver". Damn. And the way they described what a "Giver" is like... Really sounds like myself. Sigh. What's the point of giving when you get nothing...? I don't know. Maybe I should just be myself. Someday someone will appreciate it :D. Bah.

Make me suffer make me bleed
Cut my wounds cut my heart
Burn my soul hear me cry
Give me a smile as I depart


Crappy piece of writing by me. Haha. Sometimes my ex-girlfriend comes into my mind, and each time I think of her sweetness, I can't help but feel really sad. But at the same time, I remember bad stuff about her, and I really wonder, which is the real her? Sigh. I want the answer, I really want it. But I'll probably never have it. Well well...

If I die, will you cry?
If you cry, will I smile?
If I smile, will you return?
When you return, it'll be too late
Because I am already dead


Stupid... I just can't write well right now.

Dreams

Oh ya, before I leave, just want to post what I dreamt of last night. One of the dreams was me going to my ex-girlfriend's house to find her family or something. On a side note, I've never been to her house before. Anyway, I had some quarrel with her father, and asked him when he's going to chop off my leg. Had some shouting here and there, and I ended up stabbing him with two pens (?). Lol?

After that, I left the place, and saw some old friends of mine. Don't really know what happened next. I also remember I dreamt of kissing someone's ears. Can't remember whose though :(.

Anyway, her father really did threaten to "CHOP" off my legs before. He told my ex-girlfriend and her brother to warn me. This happened around the time they found out about me and her being together. Around November 2002. Well, it's the past. But still, chop off my leg? Every time I think about it I can't help but laugh. SORRY :P. Alright got to go now!

I Am Gambit

Damn sorry I didn't blog yesterday night. I came home, fell asleep, and I just woke up. Anyway, I think I'm going to refrain from using vulgarities unless necessary from now on. Hm... Yesterday was real fun. After school, we (Maclean, Andrew, Rayhan, Wai Kit, Boon Tiong) went to eat at Short Circuit (HAHA thanks to me). Usually, 5 would be eating there but she wasn't yesterday... :(. After eating, we went to the CENT Room, and on the way we saw 5 queuing up for food. Maclean said I should approach her and say "Hi", but everytime I think of the fact that she's attached, I seriously don't think I should approach her. Last time, it was because I was nervous and shit, but yesterday I seriously wasn't -_-. Bah, whatever. Maclean and Boon Tiong insists I am. Anyway, while in the CENT room, we started playing with cards, and in no time, we started throwing them around. I think I am Gambit now. Lol. Rayhan is good too. The rest of them simply can't throw cards well :P. Anyway, I threw this card that got stuck behind some piece of paper stuck onto the whiteboard by a magnet, and damn, it's a 5. I think it's either spades or hearts too. Haha. Coincidence =\. Maybe I should learn numerology one day.

Anyway, around 4, I had to go for my Psychology lesson, and it was fun alright :). Terence is a really good teacher :D. As usual, he ended the lesson early, and after that I went to Burger King with Maclean, Chin Ming, and Roy. We met Nicholas, Andrew, Tiffany, Wai Kit, Wayne, and Nicholas' friend there (sorry I forgot her name). Cracked some jokes and stuff before Nicholas, Tiffany, Andrew and Nicholas' friend left. The rest of us decided that BK is too expensive, so we went to KFC. Haha :p. After eating, the rest of them talked and stuff while I fell asleep. Woke up with a headache, and then headed home soon after, fell asleep, and here I am now, just barely awake. Haha :P.

Alright, got to prepare to go to school in a while. Soccer time! :D

20040903

To My Close Ones

If I ever say anything or hurt any of you, sorry. There's some things in life I've to achieve no matter what, even if it means losing some of you as friends. It's not that I don't treasure you all, I do. But there're certain things I've to do first. I think it's time I actually do things my way, instead of always... giving in to others (not you people), making way for others to pass. There's a limit... And it's about to be broken. My dreams. I mean them. Look to your right... :).

I want to do well in polytechnic, well enough to enter a local university. Get a really sweet girlfriend, treat her well, and stuff. Be honest with her. Make those around me happy. Get rich, succeed in life. Throw money at some people I really hate. Settle down once I'm rich enough, and really enjoy for the rest of my life.

I know some of you right now are thinking "Boring guy." and shit. Especially some girls. You know who you are. To be honest, I don't really care what you're saying. Just let me remind you of this. What were your dreams when you were young? Did you really want to become a playboy, a bastard, a bitch, or a slut? Fucking around with people's hearts. Adding more people to your "ex" list. What else? Is that really your wish? Aren't most of you changed only after a relationship that failed? Aren't you only running away? I might be wrong, but I want to believe there's good in all of us :). Take care. May peace be within your heart, unlike mine.

20040902

...

I am only what you made me
A product of this society
The same as you are
A product of this society...

Negative Thoughts.

Here's another rant, seeing as I've nothing better to do. I've always been helping people when I can, I used to do it all the time, without caring who I'm helping, and whether it affects me. I don't know why I do it, and I'm not showing off or anything. If you think I am, please fuck off now. However, as I grew up, I started asking myself it it's really worth it. You help and help, but they aren't even there when you need help. Even worse, they probably don't appreciate it. So I started becoming selective of who I'm helping. I barely seek help from others, unless I really need help. And through this years, the number of people who were *TRULY* there can probably be counted by my fingers. To these people, thank you. You know who you are :). Back to topic. As I was saying, I started to reject certain people who needed help and shit. But each time I do, I feel my conscience pricking at me. As if my brain's telling me it's my duty to help others. What the hell? I love leading, I hate serving, why then do I always have this stupid conscience of mine? People who truly deserve help, like orphans and the old and unwanted, aren't getting it. I'm not even helping them, yet I'm helping fucked-ups who probably don't even appreciate a single bit. Why?

On another note, today was a rather ok day. Sigh, I think my teachers really either hate me, or my group. Everytime during OADES, I would be doing the coding and stuff, while the rest of my group sit around, sometimes talking, and sometimes watching me. I'll explain if they ask. And most of the time, I personally have to ask the teacher some questions. For some reason, he always tries to sarcast me and shit, but when my friend's group asked him, he explained to them really nicely and properly. WTF? During ELNDES today, another teacher too, told us that we would not have our break next week as we didn't manage to come up with the design. Hello? How the fuck am I supposed to know which counter to use? THE OTHER GROUPS DIDN'T HAVE ANY IDEA TOO. Why didn't he scold them? Even worse, for the initial subsystem, my group was actually one of the first to patch up the circuit and show it to them. What the fuck did I do wrong?

I fucking hate some of my classmates. Finding me only when they need help and shit. "Top student. Director's list." Fuck you. Firstly, I AM NOT THE TOP STUDENT. Secondly, yes I am in the Director List, but I would willing give it away if I can have a happy life. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU PEOPLE KNOW? You all have a happy family, and stuff, yet you whine daily? If you fail in your studies, you've a family business and stuff. The amount of money is your bank is probably 5 times of mine. Then what the hell are you complaining about?

"You are complaining too." I hear some of you say. Am I? For those who know me personally, have I ever whined about my life? Tell me. Yes, sometimes I'm REALLY pessimistic, but how often does that happen? I always talk to you all about my dreams, but how many of you even listen? I can't afford to let fuck-ups bring me down. Once, twice is enough. Those of you in my secondary school, especially those who backstabbed me, take care. Someday someone's going to stab you, literally. As you die in the pool of blood, you probably don't even feel any guilt. Your conscience is long gone :). Girls who know they're bitches and proud of being one, go on that way. I've no idea what the fuck you all are living for. Female superiority? Fuck it. Men have their strengths and weaknesses, women too. Why do you all want to be equal to us in everything? WHY DON'T YOU USE URINALS TOO? If you want be THAT equal. I've always respected girls for their ability to remain calm most of the time, barely losing their temper. And I really do think that we're made equal, with men being better at better things, and women at others. That's all.

There's also my family. My parents are already divorced, yet all my sister is doing is trying to sow more hatred between them. My mother too, is STILL SO FUCKING GOD DAMN IMMATURED. YES SHE'S A GOOD LOVING MOTHER TOWARDS ME. BUT HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO HATE MY FATHER? WHAT HAS HE DONE WRONG? HAVEN'T YOU REALISED IT WAS YOUR OWN MISJUDGMENT? YOUR FUCKING SIBLINGS DESTROYED THIS FAMILY. THAT'S ALL. YES, MY FATHER HAS A BAD TEMPER, BUT THAT'S IT? IF I AM WRONG, TELL ME PERSONALLY. Don't always fucking tell me I don't understand and shit. AND MY DEAR SISTER, I KNOW YOU WILL READ THIS. And you'll probably complain to her. Go ahead. Someday I'll be rich enough to feed you all, while living alone, in some place.

I made a really stupid mistake today. I was eating in the canteen and 5 was there too. When I left, I REALLY wanted to turn to her, and smile and say hi and stuff. But for some fucked up reason I didn't. Actually I think the reason is her being attached, and I don't really want to like an attached girl... Although I probably do like her a little... Anyway, my friends were saying she was looking at me all the way, as though she wanted to say hi. I'm really sorry about this. I've tried calling her but she isn't at home. Sent her an sms, but there's still no reply. Sigh. Fuck.

Anyway, I ended the day playing soccer and stuff. And I did something I really hate myself for. I took out my handphone for no reason at all, and wanted to call "Darling HP". This entry, no longer exists in my handphone. For some reason, I had forgotten I'm not with her anymore. Don't ask me why. I don't understand too.

To my friends, kindness is a good thing. There's no such thing as excessive kindness. When you help others, you help yourself. You make yourself feel better, and ALTHOUGH YOU DO NOT MAKE A DIFFERENCE FOR THE WORLD, you made the difference for one person. In my opinion, if I can help just one person every day, it's more than enough. You know who you are. I treat you all as my really good friends, so I don't know how to tell you this personally. But I know you'll read this :).

To my parents, who will probably never read this: I understand that you both want me to be strong and succeed. But there's a limit to strong I can be mentally before I break. To my father, I'm thankful that you took me out to drink and stuff after I broke up with her. To my mother, I know you tried to cheer me up, but the way you think is simply too different from me. If ever by some chance, you all get to know of this, please know that what you all are doing and saying to me right now, will only make me a person devoid of any feelings in future. I don't want to be like that, at all. I don't want to say a thing to either of you about this, because it'll only hurt you. Maybe if I'm ever gone, things will be better for the family :).

To my sister, you're a good girl, but for fuck's sake, spare a thought for our parents and stop being so selfish.

FUCKED UP NEIGHBOUR

As you all know, the other time some fucked up old fart came to my house. WELL, they just came again. Even worse, this time, my music was so soft I personally couldn't hear it from my hall, but surprisingly, they can! I found out they stay directly above me. Anyway, I was taking a bath, and my mum and sister were sleeping, when we heard some fucked-up BANGING on the doors. I wrapped the towel around my you-know-what, went to my room, got a pair of shorts, and was about to change, WHEN THEY FUCKING OPENED MY WINDOW. Thank goodness the towel was still there. I went to talk to them, before my mother woke up. Damn they're talking pure shit. Oh ya, THEM = THAT OLD FART AND HIS MOTHER. Anyway, the conversation went something like this:

Old Fart: "EH I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO TURN THE SONG LOUD LOUD!" (Very good Engrish.)

My Mother: "Sorry if we offended you, but please don't talk like this to us."

Old Fart: "I already told your son not to on loud loud you know!"

Me: "Can you hear the lyrics or the tune?"

Old Fart: "No."

Me: "THEN WTF ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT?"

Old Fart: "The bass very loud."

- For fuck's sake who the hell in the world listens to songs with the bass set higher than the treble. Secondly, if my bass was really THAT loud, it should be the neighbour below complaining, not the one above. -

Me: "Your ears that good?"

My Mother: "Boy, stop it."

Old Fart: "The bass very irritating. I've been tolerating it for months."

- LIKE YEAH? I sleep most of the time without my songs playing? -

My Mother: "Alright we're sorry about that, but just to let you know, neighbours should compromise here and there. Moreover, the water from your wet clothes have been dripping onto MY clothes, and I haven't said a thing."

Old Fart's Mother: "NO LOR. I ALWAYS MAKE SURE MY THINGS DRY LIAO THEN HANG. It's THE PEOPLE ABOVE US!"

My Mother: "I've personally looked out and found that it's your MOP most of the time. Don't push the blame."

OFM: "WE TALK ONE THING AT A TIME LOR! Don't TALK ABOUT ME. TALK ABOUT THE MUSIC."

Me: "Shut up. Don't shout at my mother."

OFM: "WAH YOU SO RUDE SIA!"

- Fuck you old bitch. -

My Mother: "Boy stop it... Anyway, take it as our fault for this once. It won't happen again."

Me: "If you want THAT MUCH SILENCE, go get a private house."

Old Fart: *Silence* THEN HE FUCKING SHOWS ME THE THUMBS UP SIGN.

Me: "Sarcasm?"

My Mother: "Please don't use childish tricks like this. Settle this peacefully. Anyway, when we first shifted here, we had to get use to the noise too, thanks to the highway right beside us."

- You see? Both my family and theirs STAY RIGHT BESIDE THE FUCKING HIGHWAY. If they can tolerate THAT NOISE, my music is completely insignificant. -

OFM: *Looks like she's about to collapse.* Loses temper and walk away.

Me: "Finish this talk LA! Why walk away?"

Old Fart: "We're going to report to the police."

Me: *I was about to open the door and seriously punch him, then my mother held me back.* "Go ahead. I'll leave the volume untouched."

My Mother: "Sure, go ahead, but I thought we could at least settle this peacefully."

Old Fart: "NEXT TIME don't ON LOUD LOUD."

Me: "Why don't you complain about the family that has a daughter who plays the piano EVERY SATURDAY AND SUNDAY MORNING. It's loud too."

Old Fart: "I don't care about daylight." Note: I've no fucking idea what kind of English that is.

Me: "That's your SELFISHNESS. I don't care about nighttime. The people below and beside me aren't complaining."

Old Fart: "Just make sure this doesn't happen again."

My Mother: "Sure. Make sure water doesn't drip from your clothes."

Old Fart: *To his mother* "Ah ma, I don't know if what they're saying is true, but next time make sure."

Me: "Sarcasm again?"

My Mother: "I thought it's over."

Then before I knew it, both of them went away. WHAT THE FUCK? And after that my mother scolded me for not giving way. What the? Oh ya, I think their son studies in my school too. Looks pretty fucked up to me. He's in my friend's course. We'll see what happens... :(. I'm scared :(. Police :(. GET A LIFE FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

20040901

Dreams...

Before I begin anything, here's the translated lyrics for the song "Scarlet" from the anime "Ayashi no Ceres". I got them from http://www.animelyrics.com/anime/ayashinc/ancscar.htm.

Can you still see your dreams in the distant, starry sky?
Are they more vivid than they were when you were little?

When one forgets to put the emotions that overflow in her heart to rest, they burn the color of passion.

I used to believe without a doubt that I could reach my dreams, no matter how far off they were.
But that me from long ago now sleeps inside my heart.

Dreams are more fragile and fleeting than a glass rose,
so then why are we destined to dream?

Sometimes two dreams can turn into love,
but there are also times when they can't.

Even when they're alone, people want to share their feelings, but it can be so hard.
Words are powerless to express one's feelings, and sometimes they become a silver knife.

Even when they're alone, people want to share their feelings, but it can be so hard.
Words are powerless to express one's feelings, and sometimes they become a silver knife.

I used to believe without a doubt that I could reach my dreams, no matter how far off they were.
But that me from long ago now sleeps inside my heart.

I found them to be really nice, thus I posted them here. Anyway, today was a rather smooth day. I WOKE UP IN TIME TODAY! Yay! Didn't have to take a cab :p. Reached school around 9 and watched the TCS2 presentation by the 2 groups. It was fun watching the presentation, although I was too tired and fell asleep halfway. When I woke up, it was some Q & A session, and I closed my eyes for a little rest. Ming Foo saw this, and posed me a question -_-. Thankfully, what they asked was somehow not taught by them :X. Thus I was saved from further embarrassment :D. Anyway, next week would be my turn :(. Hmm... After school today, I had to go to the CENT room to discuss about the shirts with them. It seems we can't entirely remove the old logo, so yeah, have to think of new ideas. After that meeting, I went for the TCS2 meeting with our teacher. I've a better idea of what to do for the presentation now. Anyway, I went Parkway Parade with Nicholas, Wai Kit, & Roy after that. Nicholas wanted to buy some presents for a girl friend of his, so we tagged along. I also had to check out the price of some stuffs :). We went to Burger King after settling our stuffs, and wow, there's lots of pretty young girls. Hehe. Anyway, as usual, we only look at them, but made no contact :(. There was this pink shirt girl that didn't really look like a Chinese, seems to be a Eurasian or something, and damn she's really pretty. Oh ya, I was actually enjoying looking at the girls TILL MACLEAN CAME. He had to sit in front of me, and block my view :(. Even worse, there were two girls somewhere in front of me and they were actually looking towards our direction for quite a few times. One of them was pretty too :p. ANYWAY, MACLEAN BLOCKED ME AND I can't ENJOY ANYMORE :(. Bah. Lol. After eating and slacking for a long while, we went to the arcade, played some games, and went home. Damn I suck at arcade games :(.

Shit Event Of The Day: While waiting for bus number 15 with Roy, some stupid old auntie came to ask us which was the fastest way to go to Hougang. Roy told her to take 15, and then change to 87, AND HE GOT A SCOLDING. That old auntie said something like "WHY YOU GIVE ME SUCH A LONG RIDE ONE?" Fucking bitch. Anyway, Roy was damn fucked after that, and told her to take a cab if she wants a short ride. She made some noise again. I was trying hard to control my temper, but then I finally lost it and told her "We don't stay around this area, and aren't familiar." She said "You all so young, not familiar with this place?" So I told her, "We stay in the East, and we're only familiar with the East and Town area. SORRY." Then she kept quiet for a while... Then her bus came, and I told her "BYE!" Roy said "HAVE FUN!" Lol.

Weird Event Of The Day: After taking 15 to Tampines, I had to change to 38 in order to go home. While on the bus, I was looking for seats, and being my usual self, I sat at the last row. The thing was, 3 girls were also sitting there, and when I sat down, one of them whispered something to the other two, and she moved away from me. Damn, I swear I wasn't smelly or anything. Am I scary or what? Weird =[.

Alright, got to go now, see you people later ^_^.