20080328

Love Is Fleeting!

Edit: Random rant as a result of talking to some friends. Due to some influences, I'm trying to make it comical as well, so please take things lightly!

Young man, have you ever considered the foolishness of your actions before acting on them? You have spent the past 4 years with that lady. Someone whom you call "Love", "Dear", and all those silly mushy names. You have spent time and effort in the relationship, wishful thinking on your part that someday, that person is going to be the one walking down the aisle with you, as your beloved parents and friends watch in awe. When you reach the end of the aisle, there will be those loving vows, and of course, the exchanging of rings. Next, both of you would probably do THE kiss of your life. On the other hand, your mind tells you that it will never happen, while your heart tries to make a fool out of you. You tell yourself, what harm can a little daydreaming do?

I'd say, wake up. It is a wonderful thing that the relationship is over. Think about the times when you went over to her house and cooked for her some new dish you just learnt. She had told you she'd be back by 10pm, making you stupidly wait till 2am in the morning. It is amazing that you'd even cook for her, considering you are a guy. The only thing I've ever cooked for my girlfriend was instant noodles, and you know what, she's probably more appreciative of the instant noodles than your ex-girlfriend was appreciative of your baked pasta. Sad, but true.

You put so much trust in her, yet she trusts you less than her dog. You can't even spend a night out with your guy friends without her calling, and of course, quarelling. It's like a part of your relationship. A quarrel a day keeps the couple gay. Of course, gay as in happy. That said, I wouldn't be surprised if you turned gay either, considering the sort of love you were receiving from your love. I still remember the time when you had to wake up in the middle of the night, go to I-forgot-the-name club, just to bring her home because she was drunk and vomiting like Singapore's Merlion. To top it off, she gave you a slap of love for your hateful actions.

Of course, what kind of relationship would it be if your girlfriend does not constantly compare you to other guys? It was a necessity for your relationship, with her kindly reminding you many a times to "Buck up" or she is going for the other wonderful guys. The constant need to remind you that you're a dispensable item to her was important to make you treasure her all the more. Ah, love is truly fleeting. It comes and go at will. At her will.

I still remember the times when she'd somehow tell you that she has fallen for another guy. One of those memorable, "I love you, but I like him" situations. Yet you, being the dumb assgentleman that you are, will somehow forgive her. Of course, set a bird free, it it likes you it will return! So after 3 days she decides that she truly loves you after all, and apologizes to you. You tell her it's ok, you still love her and want to be with her. After all, love is fleeting!

You know, they say not to judge a book by its cover, but with your girlfriend, that theory has been truly proven wrong. I remember the first time you brought her out to meet us, and that first words that came out of her mouth in response to a joke I made was, "What the fuck?" Till today, we still remember her as the "WTF" girl. Of course, there has to be something you like about her. I figured it out after a while. She's like a kitten! The first time you took her out for some movie, you reported back to us this exact sentence (as much as I remember), "I only placed my hands on her leg, stroked it a bit, and she tells me she's feeling high!" We were like, "Truly, WTF?"

Then there was the incident of you working your ass off for her sake, only to log on to oh-fucking-Friendster and find out she's cheating behind your back. Of course, this had to be the straw that broke your back. You called her up immediately, and decided to unleash a barrage of vulgarities on her. It was the first time you had ever done that. Maybe the fact that it was 4am made you a little more profane than usual. Of course, your sweet darling gave you the usual "I'm sorry. I love you but I like him" reason again. Being the cock boy nice guy that you are, you decide to meet her up, and spent some loving moments with her at Pasir Ris Park, because according to the movies, when two people are at the beach watching the waves together, they will somehow fall in love.

So you met her and spent some loving moments together, even exchanging saliva with your wagging tongues. It didn't matter that she's confused. All you wanted was her after all. After some talking which had obviously lots of rationale, both of you decided to give each other some space (just 4 days apart). She even made that promise to you that she wouldn't keep in touch with the other guy either, just to be fair. Of course, you happily nodded your head. 4 days passed, and she didn't call you. Logically you know, the relationship's gone for good. Sadly, you chose to defy logic again. You mustered your courage, picked up the phone, and dialed her number. She picks up the phone, and seems happy that you called. "There's some hope," you tell yourself. Of course, there is some hope. You hear another guy's voice in the background. Hope always fails. While you spent the past 4 days alone, giving yourself some space, she has been hanging out with the guy that she likes but doesn't love! Promises are meant to be broken after all.

So you became single. For the first time in 4 years. You've been out of the game for so long you're completely lost as to how to even start a conversation with a girl. You're heartbroken. You spend your days sleeping, and your nights drinking. You spend your money as though you were so-fucking-rich. Of course you are! You're now paying only for one person instead of two! After mourning over your loss for 2 months, you started having a life again. For the first time you actually felt alive. Good things never last, my friend.

After 5 months of enjoying yourself, you received a call from her one day. She's crying, and telling you that she truly misses you. You aren't the same person anymore though. You told her that you'd rather just be friends. You still liked her, of course, but there's no trust anymore. You actually felt in control of your life for once. Time passed by, and the two of you grew closer, yet you still do not want to be with her again. You needed more time. However, as love is fleeting, just when you thought that things might work out after all, she decides to tell you that she rather focus on her studies. You lost, again. Almost like you were dumped again! I do not even want to write here the things that happened after that. You ARE a fucking tool to her, admit it.

I shall not continue writing out of that little respect I have left for certain people. So young man, have you ever thought that for these past 4 years, if you had chose to let your mind take control sometimes, instead of your heart, you might have actually turned out a lot better than you are right now? As you lay here in the hospital due to a failed suicide, I really hope you wake up and actually start living for yourself. Because if you don't, then you are better off you-know-what. You're still my friend, of course, in life and is death. After all, like love, friendship is fleeting too.

Geek Entry

I wanted to write something actually but suddenly lost the motivation. Whatever it is, please visit www.wilderssecurity.com if you actually care about the stuff on your computer =). I love that site!

20080327

Watched "Wristcutters - A Love Story" today with Geri, and it's a really great show! Google it if you want to find out more =). I loved every second of the show, and the ending is great!

Fortunate

I suddenly had this feeling that I'm really fortunate. I've wonderful parents (who unfortunately don't along with each other :(), great friends, and a loving and lovable girlfriend! ^_^

Sometimes I feel guilty for talking to any of them rather rudely, because of my own feelings. I get irritated easily, and as a result tend to burst out at them sometimes. Will attempt to resolve that problem fast =).

20080325

I've been spending time over the past week or so reflecting on myself, and that includes trying real hard to read up on certain books/subjects whenever I can. It's been quite a fruitful journey so far, dampened only by my not-so-great health. Nowadays, whenever I feel any negative emotions, I try to stop it by asking "Is it worth it?" As expected, most of the time, the answer is no. Why then, do we still feel such emotions?

Sad to say, we're usually angry with people for the wrong reasons. We're angry because most of the time, we feel somehow betrayed, or let down by them. In actual fact, most of the time we're betrayed by our misconception of what things really are. We're just feeling the negative emotions because things did not turn out our way, because people do not conform to our own flawed expectations.

I think. After all, I'm just another flawed human trying to find out what's my purpose here. I came across this interesting thought/philosophy today, "If life is so troublesome, why live it?" Then it went on to say, "If you've already troubled yourself with life so much, why give up?" Quite interesting actually.

Anyway, I went for a checkup today, and based on my past results (around 1.5 months ago), I apparently have mycoplasma. That explains the coughing, the chest pain, and all. Also, I did some reading up, and it seems that some people have problems recovering from it. I just hope I recover soon.

To end this short and relatively pointless post:

"If you are not leaning, no one will let you down." - Dr. Robert Anthony

20080324

In my daily working life, I'm always hearing people complain about their superiors. They will almost always go on to say that if ever they rise up to that position, they will definitely not make the mistakes their superiors are currently making. Full of confidence, full of determination.

When the time comes for them to succeed their superiors, they are full of promises, full of aspirations on what they intend to achieve for their subordinates. A week passes, things seem to be going well. Two, three weeks later, their subordinates start complaining about them. About the very same issues that these newly-promoted superiors used to complain about their own superiors. Then I realised, many a times these people just want things their way, it doesn't really matter how much shit they talk. Also, I realised I'll almost never see the truth because of my own position, and often end up finding out information only because others bypass the chain of command and complain to me directly.

I'm increasingly sick and tired of listening to all these complains, yet I know I should not. Because these complains/concerns are real. If someone doesn't do anything, it will always be a vicious cycle. It's really sad. As the saying goes:

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln

I truly agree, for many a times I've seen how ugly people truly are when given the power, the authority. The power to actually make the lives of the people under them better, but they choose to make their own life better, without giving a damn about what happens to the many others under them. The best part of all, they expect people to respect their authority, when they themselves do not respect what is above them. Sometimes I don't know whether to feel angry, or to laugh at the stupidity of these people. Honestly, a part of me despises them, despite knowing it's wrong of me to feel so. Why are people so selfish?

20080323

Sigh.

The feeling of waking up, hoping that you're feeling better, only to realise that you haven't sucks. I posted a while ago that I feel great and all, but damn, it only lasted for a week or so. I'm back to coughing, feeling unwell and all. My friend got diagnosed with bronchitis recently, and he was telling me to better go check it out just in case.

Just a brief breakdown of what happened. I have been coughing for at least the past 5 months already. It's pissing me off, seriously. Sometime around December, I decided to go to Bedok Polyclinic for a checkup. The doctor told me that it's nothing, might be URTI (Upper Respiratory Tract Infection), and to get an X-ray done in my camp if things don't get better with the medicine. For whatever reason, the doctor thinks that I'm trying to "chao keng". I'm cool with that, so whatever. Took the medicine, things got better, I'm happy. Sadly, around a week later, I started coughing again. This time round it got so bad that my chest and head hurts from the cough. So sometime in late January or early February, I went to my camp's Medical Centre. I told the doctor what has been happening, and managed to get an X-Ray done. According to the doctor, there was phlegm in my lungs. Surprisingly, he only gave me antibiotics, and said I could go on exercising as usual. Well, I got a little better, but the coughing persisted, as well as the slight chest pains. During one of my usual trainings, I felt a sharp pain in my chest. It gave me a shock actually. I then decided to go to Changi General Hospital, where an ECG was done on me. Nothing wrong with my heart, thankfully. The doctor even told me the pain could be due to excessive muscle strain. To be honest I felt she was just smoking her way through, because I did not really push myself, if at all.

I decided then, that maybe I should go for Traditional Chinese Medicine, since I've always preferred it anyway. Went once, it really helped. I felt like I've fully recovered, and thus, the wonderful post I made a while ago. Sadly, nature doesn't always side me. I got drenched in the rain a couple of times, due to the call of duty. So I fell sick again. Went to the Chinese physician again, and felt better again. I was so sure I'm completely recovered, until 3 days ago. For some stupid reason I had a sore throat, then the coughing started again. Chest pains here and there too. In fact, it's pains everywhere, what TCM would call "wind".

I'm now deciding whether to go to SGH and get another proper checkup done, or to go back to the Chinese Physician, get some medication, and actually REST PROPERLY AND IGNORE EVERYTHING FOR ONCE.

I want to recover fast. Real fast. I want to exercise, workout, and get a better body. I want to keep fit. I want to go out and enjoy myself. I want to be able to stay home knowing that I won't be getting my family members sick due to whatever I'm having. I want to be able to kiss Geri knowing that I won't be passing anything to her. Damn it, I want to recover. I've seen so many of my friends fall sick and they almost never recover, for whatever reason. I need to, want to, and have to recover.

Also, I've decided that in line with my goal to become more assertive, I've decided to abstain from any profanities from now on. Profanities are fun sometimes, but they also cause you to look like you can never win any argument unless you use them.

Update: Just to add, I actually started to wonder if my cough and pains are due to stress. Did some search on Google, and realise it might be, although I seriously do not feel stressed at all right now. Maybe it's the collective effects of the stress I've been feeling a while ago. Sigh. Whatever I just want to recover.

20080322

Went to watch Step Up 2 with dear today, pretty cool show. For some reason I liked the first one more though. Anyway, dear's going to be having her examinations soon, all the best darling =)!

20080319

I've decided that I will be more assertive from now on. I'd like to eventually reach a stage where I can look someone straight in the eye and tell him off, in the most polite yet firm way possible. I was discussing with a colleague of mine today, and realized that some people will simply take advantage of you.

This colleague of mine was sharing with me about how his fellow friend had changed after entering the workforce. It's quite sad actually, and I was telling him it's about time he makes his own stand, instead of letting this friend of his take advantage of their so-called "friendship" all the time. Then I realize, "It's about time I make my stand too."

In what sense? In every way, I guess. It's about time anyway.

I've also realized that I seldom belong to "the group". Other than Mac and friends, and my HDKs, I've never belonged anywhere else. Be it in school, or now at my workplace, I'm usually not part of anything. Maybe it's me, because to be honest, I hate being part of something just to feel accepted. I think it's the Virgo nature to be individualistic. Sadly, sometimes I feel really left out, but whatever. I also like messaging people on MSN aimlessly when I'm bored, only to ignore them when they reply (unknowingly). Asshole.

I think I might start blogging in 3rd person soon.

20080318

When I'm idling away, I'm usually full of ideas on what to blog about. I'd be thinking "I'm going to blog about love", "I'm going to rant and complain", or "Let's write a poem, it's been a while". Sadly, every single time I log into Blogger, I just lose the interest to do so. I suddenly find it pointless to write about it, for whatever reason. As such, I decided that I'm going to blog aimlessly for this post, and just write whatever comes to my mind.

I think that people are lonely creatures. Regardless of gender, regardless of whether you are a good or evil (relative I guess) person, you are just lonely. I'm sure that regardless of what you are doing, all you'd really want at the end of the day is people to listen to you, to be with you, and to appreciate you for who you are. No, I'm not talking about having a special someone. I'm talking about people in general. As kids growing up, you throw tantrums to get attention. As you grow up, the ways in which you use to get attention changed. From being a clown to being a "I'm-too-cool" kinda person. For girls, maybe you'd changed from conservative nerd to liberal bitch. Or the other way around. Or something similar. You'd go onto IRC, Friendster, Facebook, MySpace, Blogger, or just about anything that would allow you to express yourself, and get some attention. Along the way, you will get some attention, and probably think that "People like me when I'm like this, I'm popular now" or something along those lines. However, you don't truly feel contented, something just seems missing. So you change again, you chase after the fashion industry, you go for the latest, and the greatest. Or you decide that you want to be the anti-trend type of person, so you come across as cool, or laidback. Whatever it is, you hope to project an image of yourself that others would like. Again, you'll get some attention, yet still find something missing. So the cycle goes on. Until one day, you decide that enough is enough, and thus end your life.

Or maybe, you'd realise that the reason you're never contented is because all those personalities you've projected aren't the real you. Maybe you'll come to realise that deep inside, all you really wanted was just someone who could appreciate you for YOU. And when the person comes along, you'd feel vulnerable, yet wonderful at the same time. You'd feel alive, and feel stupid for doing what you did.

It's alright to change, provided you truly believe in it. Many a times we worry too much about what others think of us. Come to think of it, if everyone thinks that way, it'd also mean that most of the people are too busy worrying about what you think about them, instead of the other way round. Besides, if someone truly doesn't like the way you are, do you have to really comply with him?

Yeah, I blog because I know my friends read it, maybe people whom I don't know read it too (when they blog-hop). But I also blog because it allows me to express myself more freely. Thanks for the attention =). Good night =).

New Found Glory - Boulders

I feel locked away
With the weight of the world on my shoulders
Crushing on my head are boulders
Made of lies and dust from all of us

What of the bonds we've made
That have started to fade
We can't control the time
But right now I'll take what I can get out of my life

Medicate me again
So I fall away
Medicate me now
So I fall away

I feel torn between
Two different sides of an opinion
Don't know what state I've been in
Don't believe in trust, for only one of us

What of the progress made
That night we all forgave
It was a thought out crime
But you should take what you can get out of this life

I never said that I didn't need you
Put down your arms
And wrap them both right around me
Right around me

Source: http://www.seeklyrics.com

20080317

Sometimes I think I personally don't understand myself. Perhaps I'm really my own worst enemy. I think too deeply, too much, for the simplest of things. The answers lie within after all, so why have I been searching elsewhere all these while?

I wish I could blog freely, but there are many external factors that do not allow me to do so, sadly. It already sucks that I'm not able to express myself very well with words, it sucks even more that I've to always somehow blog in an abstract manner, and somehow hope that it actually makes sense. Well, it doesn't matter much actually because I still get a chance to express myself.

The human heart is truly unfathomable. Ok, I forgot what I wanted to write initially.

20080312

I'm Alive!

Finally I'm having a break! Although I've yet to fully recover, I'm feeling much better =). It's been a month since I've hit the gym, so I decided to ready myself for it again by doing some light exercises today ^^. It feels good to feel fit (at least a little) again! The cough's still there, and I'm still having a slight cold/flu, but other than that I feel so much better!

Sad to say, it kept raining today, and I didn't meet Geri Dearie cause of it =(. Sorry dearest. I miss you!

On another geeky note, I bought a D-Link DIR300 router, 2 x 2GB Kingston MicroSD, and a WD 250GB Passport at the recent IT show. I managed to set up the router and all already, so now I'm able to print and view files on my computer using my laptop. It's really nice that I'm finally able to do things on my own will. Haha.

Nevertheless, not everything's peachy. Still, there's always something to be happy about, I guess =).

The recent morale in my workplace isn't exactly the best. I'm disappointed, to say the least. How could it be, that people work expecting rewards all the time? I don't get it. If a superior feels this way, how can you tell your subordinates to suck it up? I'm disappointed, because the people directly under me are complaining 24/7 that they want this, and that. It makes me wonder how often do people do things because they sincerely want to. I suppose more often than not, there is an ulterior motive somewhere. Similarly, how often do people make friends because they sincerely want to?

20080308

Sometimes I look back at what I've to sacrifice to get to where I am today, I wonder if it's all worth it. Sometimes I don't really want to do certain things, but I do it anyway, because I feel obligated to. Then I realise, time and again, it's really not worth it sometimes. I barely spend time with my parents, and Geri, on the phone on weekdays. I spend weekends doing work as well. At the same time, my health's being neglected. Weighing the pros against the cons, the cons simply own the pros. No competition at all.

Yet time and again, I find myself repeating the cycle, more often than not, initiated by myself. Is it because of responsibility? I don't know. It's just not in me to leave things and walk away. However, with the way things are right now, I feel tempted to do so. I feel tempted to just leave all these bullshit behind and walk away. I feel stupid for doing so much, yet getting nothing in return. It'd be perfectly alright if I get nothing at all, but it sucks that on top of that, I'm getting punishments, and additional jobs I don't even deserve. I've been trying hard to convince myself for a long time that maybe this place isn't so screwed up, but time and again, I'm being proven wrong.

You know what, I'm tired, really tired. I feel like I'm being screwed by the very people I trust. I feel like crap. For once, I don't feel like doing anything about the situation I'm in. It's just an absolute waste of precious time and energy, which could be better spent on my dear ones.

I used to think that there'll always be light at the end of the tunnel, but all I see now is darkness. I don't even know where's the end anymore. Why do I have to answer for things I didn't do? Why do I have to answer to others? Why do I even feel the need to? Maybe it's because when I needed answers in the past, I never got them. Maybe that's why I don't want that happening to others. Well, who cares, the rain will eventually wash away all the pain.