20040831

Probably Another Long Post

I don't know where to start, or how to begin... So I'll just rant away. Alright, next week's my birthday, and this is the first time in my life that I DON'T REALLY WANT TO CELEBRATE IT. I really wish I can celebrate it happily with my friends and family, but all I'm wondering about right now is if my ex-girlfriend will wish me happy birthday. I don't even know if I want that from her. If she does, I'll probably lose myself for a while... If she doesn't, I'll probably feel a little hatred for her. Sometimes I really wish I can just forget everything related to her, is it called repression or something? But then again, I don't want to make the time I spent with her completely meaningless. Sigh. Maybe I'm already repressing some stuffs, because when I went back to my secondary school today, I could barely remember a thing. More on this later. As I was saying, I really have no idea what I want, or what to expect. I know I shouldn't even give a fuck about her anymore, because it's almost 100% she doesn't care. But I still do, and my foolish self wants to believe that she still cares, at least as a friend. Can someone knock some serious sense into me? I'm supposed to be happy on my birthday, DAMN IT. Even as I try, I can't believe the nice girl I knew is gone. Did I really do something wrong? If I did, AND IF YOU, GIRL, ARE READING THIS RIGHT NOW, please tell me where I went wrong.

Anyway, I went back to my secondary school with Tiong Guan today, as stated earlier, and I couldn't find the two teachers I really wanted to find. Sigh :(. One has retired, and the other was nowhere to be seen. Damn. I really hope they're doing well right now :). I had to skip two lectures to return to my secondary school, and this is what happened :(. After that, I returned to TP, where I continued the rest of the day. Of course, the day ended as usual, and we played soccer again. Haha :).

After playing soccer, we talked and stuff (again, as usual). Today's world is really sad, no one really values virginity and shit like that anymore. It's not that I'm conservative and shit. But it's a fact. Girls sleeping around for money, guys fucking around for "fame". What else? Sigh, I guess I'll end this now. Take care and see you people around. Someday I might be on the news...

Note: The CEN shirt designs are more or less final. Download them here. Please post your comments, if any, whether you're in CEN club, or TP, or whatever. Thanks!

Edit: I'll be on the news for good reasons, for sure. Don't get the wrong idea! Raj! -_-

Damn Interesting Blog...

People, do check out this blog.

http://life-after-marriage-ends.blogspot.com

It has got to be one of the most, if not the most, honest and interesting blog out there... :). On another note, if you would want me to host some pictures or stuff for you, just drop me an email :).

Stupid Pictures

Here's some more of the stupid pictures I took with Roy's handphone. Lol.

YC

YC

20040830

"Friends"

To those who treat me as a real friend, thank you. To those who aren't, this is for you.

If a friend is someone you find when you need help, yes, I am your friend. If you only talk to me when your computer crashes, when your drivers fail to install, when you get hit by a virus, when you have problem installing Windows, when your puny brain has no idea how to change the boot sequence of your drives, YES I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND. When you have no idea how the hell to resize an image file, when you need help downloading some crap off some servers, when you need help with your studies WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN HELP yourself, when you fucking think you're a friend just because you bought me some drink, when you need some mp3s or crap, YES I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND. But when I all I want is some company, or some MINOR help, such as PRINTING some stuff for me, you all disappear. "No ink." "Go home got stuff to do." Not once, not twice, but nearly all the time.

Eh? I'm showing off? No. To be honest, I HATE HELPING YOU ALL. Know that? No. Why? Because I don't want to start some stupid conflict with you people, so I help anyway. I would be helping myself too. I always hoped that someday you all will actually become real friends, but I'm about to give up that dream. And I've other things to bother other than you people. You only talk to me when you need help. WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU WHEN I NEEDED HELP? When my parents divorced, when my girlfriend left me, when I truly needed someone to talk to, where were you? You don't even feel any shame. You think I fucking owe it to you?

When I did well for my studies, when I first had a girlfriend, where were you to share my joy? "Show off." "Zhong Se Qing You." (It means I choose my girlfriend over my friends.) Didn't you all say that? When I lost my girlfriend, I'm sure some of you are thinking "YOU DESERVE IT." Yeah, I deserve it. And someday when you really need help, I won't fucking help you anymore, because you don't deserve my help. And I don't deserve, OR NEED your "FRIENDSHIP". I know some of you are reading this. Hate me then.

Whiner's Post

Damn it, today's a really shit day. First I woke up with that damn dream... Then, around 8pm or so, some stupid neighbour of mine came to complain, saying I turn my speakers on too loud. Damn it. I only did it for one night. I must admit it's my fault, but that neighbour seriously has some fucked up attitude. Forget it. As though that's not bad enough, I had to find my certificates (whatever they are), in order to hand in my APEL portfolio tomorrow. AND WHILE FINDING THEM, I had to FIND THIS piece of work I made for my ex-girlfriend. It's really nice... But I don't want to see it anymore... Sigh. Life really sucks. Sometimes you put in lots of effort, but you don't even get recognized. Be it school or personal life, it's all the same...

Damn Dreams

Sigh, I just woke up, after having some dreams that will surely wear me out emotionally one day. I dreamt that I contacted my ex-girlfriend, and scolded her for not even giving a damn about being friends after we broke up, I also asked if we could have a date. Then somehow either she or I hanged up the phone. I then tried calling her numerous times, and each time her mother picks it up, saying she's asleep or something. The next thing I got, I got a VIDEO message from her parents, saying their daughter's very happy now, and told me not to disturb her. The video showed my ex-girlfriend smiling happily while having dinner with her family and stuff. The next thing I know, I saw this girl, who ISN'T my ex-girlfriend, but somehow, she was the girl I actually scolded over the phone, and I went to apologise to her. She says it's alright, and asks if we're still going out. I said "No, since you aren't the girl..." or something like that. Next thing I know, I'm calling my ACTUAL ex-girlfriend and talking to her. What happened in the dream was exactly what happened in real life after I broke up with her. She talked normally, as though nothing happened, but each time I bring up the past she gets angry and stuff. I don't know what happened next.

Sigh, I wish these dreams would stop sometimes... Sometimes I've dreams of me smiling happily together with her, and then I wake up, it's all gone. Then again, I do... Miss her at times. Maybe these dreams exist to remind me of her, to remind me of the lessons learnt. I don't know. I've school at 12... Got to prepare soon.

Writings

Since I'm doing nothing at the moment, just thought I would post one of my poems here.

Nobody Cares
you cut yourself
but you don't feel the pain
you ask yourself
did i cut the right vein?

what're you trying to do?
who're you trying to entertain?
don't be such a fool
you don't deserve such pain

you don't owe the world anything
don't reduce yourself to nothing
stand up and fight for your beliefs
only then can you feel relief

you seek a reason
for your very existence
you want someone to listen
someone to provide subsistence

why are you doing this?
knowing you'll get pissed
when no one truly cares
when no one... ever cared.
- March 12, 2004

20040829

More On Sentosa

This is a stupid post, but for those wondering about what happened at Sentosa, check out Roy's blog here.

To Those In CENT Club

Raj requested that I post a link for you guys to download and see the shirt design, so here it is :).

DOWNLOAD!

Sentosa!

I woke up at around 8.30am, had two bowls of beancurd :P. Then waited for Alan to call me. Anyway, I met Alan (together with his sister) around 11am, and then went on to meet Roy. Haha. Introduced them to one another on the way to Harbour Front ^_^. Alan's sister was kind enough to bring some snacks, and Roy bought 100 Plus for us. Anyway, we reached Sentosa at 12.30pm or so. Played frisbee (spelling?) and I realised my frisbee sucks. It's too heavy, it can't glide :(. Add to my useless sense of direction and you've people picking the frisbee from the ground, instead of catching it. Anyway, later on, Alan's two cousins came, and they brought a volleyball along. Had some more fun ^_^. There was this girl who was stripping to her bikinis while we were playing volleyball. Roy and Alan says she's really pretty, and seems to be around 16 years old or so. Damn it. My stupid eyes can't see well, and I didn't bring my spectacles along. Anyway, she was wearing this pink bikini, and she looks really *woot* from behind. Haha. I didn't see her face though :(.

I left the place together with Alan and Roy around 4 or so, while the others stayed on to play. Alan then left for his workplace, while Roy and I took 65. Had a really good sleep on the bus, but somewhere along the trip, a group of idiots had to make so much noise that me and Roy both woke up. Bah, life's like this. Anyway, reached Tampines around 6, had dinner with Roy at KFC, before slacking a while, and finally here I am, home. Lol. All in all, a good break from a really tensed week. Damn it. Oh ya, the KFC girl was cute too! I think her name was Fahlianah or something. She's 1/2 Chinese, 1/2 Malay. Roy was brave enough to ask her. LOL ^_^. Alright people, see you all later. Do download my video below :P.

Stupid Video (I KNOW IT'S STUPID.)

I was really bored, so I decided to make a video of myself doing some coin trick. Lol. My friends are probably sick of this trick by now, but hey, it's simple and it works :D. Right-click, Save-As on the following link to download. (2.95MB)

DOWNLOAD!

Sorry it's a quicktime file, my digital camera records them in this format, and I'm too tired to convert it to another format right now. Alright off to bed now. Sentosa here I come!

Edit: Alright, I can't sleep without first converting it. It's now converted, link updated :). GOOD NIGHT!

Damn...

Damn, it's 4am already and I'm still up. Got to wake up at 8am tomorrow. Going Sentosa :P! Anyway, my mother seems to be fine already. Those who were concerned, thank you. Hm, no idea why, but she keeps on appearing in my mind every now and then, although I don't exactly feel sad. Anyway, I've been slacking and at the same time trying to come up with some designs for the new CEN club shirt. So far I've only come up with the following, and I don't find them good enough :(. Can't think when I'm tired :(.

Edit: I've removed the others. This one seems to be better.

YC

Anyway, Maclean's computer crashed and he lost his data :(. Hope all goes well for him. I realised Maclean's and Nicholas' mindset is very similar to mine ^_^. Quote from Maclean's blog:

i dunno y... jus thot of alot of things... my past... mayb due to talkin to nick, yc abt our ex-es and stuff i guess... had a weird n sad dream last nite... haiz... was it my fault? i dun tink so... and somemore, da one who i did everythin for, da one who i almost gave my life for, doesn't even contact me now.. used to spend hrs on the fone, used to send 1000+ msg per month to her... now, hardly any calls or sms... mayb one in 3 or 4 months she will send forwarded msg... who da fuck needs dat sial? chao chee bye... if u r readin dis, u noe who i am talkin abt, jus remember dat u r alwaes in my heart... As a fren, as a buddy...

How true. No contact at all... I'm going through a similar experience. So far the only contact I've gotten from her is some stupid forwarded "Korean Love Story" email. Please wake up. You think those stories can actually exist? I use to think they can, I still do, but the chance of things like this happening is probably worse than lottery. It'll probably happen when both parties within a relationship are matured enough to actually settle things, instead of avoiding and saying stuff like "I don't mind." Well, in today's world, the guy is always at fault. So yeah, hate my temper. Alright, enough ranting. Here's one of MANY pictures I took with Roy's phone (sorry Roy :P).

YC

20040828

:( What can I do?

Damn, I can't believe I forgot to post this. My sister told me that my mother cried yesterday. I went to ask her yesterday night, but she said she didn't. It's rather obvious though... Today she still seems troubled, but she doesn't want to tell me a thing. Sigh, what can I do?

Note: Some stupid fuck on my MSN Messenger list says she can't remember me and told me not to contact her. That's really stupid.

Letter To Her

Dear girl,
Today would've been the 26th month together, but too bad you left me. You used to talk to me about your dreams and wishes, and stuff like that. Your dreams of becoming a ballet teacher, of being a good housewife, and stuff. You used to talk about forever, saying you won't leave me and stuff. But then I realised one thing. This "forever" only exists as long as you love me. In other words, forever isn't forever. It's only forever when you still have feelings for me. Well, I know you probably won't see this. Right now, you probably don't care if I'm dead or alive. The last time I wished you good luck, you actually felt I was sarcastic. I wonder... How much you hate me now. If you do see this though, please take care and do well in life. I heard from a friend of yours that that new guy of yours seems to be busy all the time. Hope you aren't too affected by it. If ever something bad happens, please know that I'll still be here as a friend. You probably despise me though. I never knew what went wrong. You simply left. Just like that. I still miss you sometimes. Your smiling face pops out in my mind every now and then. You're really cute, you know? May you find happiness with him. Maybe someday we can still smile and talk as friends.

P.S: If ever you see this, please let me know. It's not that I don't want to contact you myself, but things are already over, and I promised you I wouldn't call you till the day you call me. Seems like it'll never happen though. Here's a parting quote...

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived. - Margaret Mitchell

Phucked Ups

I hate it when people talk like they know everything. 14, 15-year olds talking about love, being together, when they barely understand THEMSELVES. If you can't even understand yourself, how in the world are you going to understand another person? Don't fucking talk like you know everything. I'm 18 and I don't behave nor talk like I know everything. I don't know anything. The only thing I'm really sure of is myself. I'm in a constant process of learning and improving my knowledge, unlike you, fucking shit. You think those fairy tales you read in story books will come true? IT WILL COME TRUE if you actually do something, instead of acting like you know everything. Know your fucking limits. Take a look at yourself in the mirror before judging others. DO some SELF-REFLECTION please.

And there's someone else who's really retarded. He probably doesn't know me, nor of this blog. But it's pretty retarded when you simply deny everything just because you're "drunk". Can you seriously type out a post, with near-perfect English when you're drunk? Complete bullshit.

One day I'm probably going to despise all of you. Stupid fucks, can't even do a single thing well. No achievement, no dreams. You're better off dead. There're people in orphanages with big dreams, but they can't do a thing because they lack the resources. Yet you people out here, with proper families, doing well and shit, complaining and whining just because you just lost a game to a friend, and shit like that. When I compare my own life to many others, I feel lucky. Yet you people behave like the world owes you a living. Get a life. You only mix with me because you need my help. You seriously think I don't realise it?

Alright, end of rant. SORRY I WAS DRUNK. You know who you are, the people I'm talking about.

Home!

Hey people, I just got back home, after having lunch with my friends. Had a fun night with my friends (Boon Tiong, Kelvin, Hong Wen, & Joven). Thanks guys :). Anyway, today's a day I really don't look forward to, but I've to face it I guess. Yesterday, I asked my mother why my ex-girlfriend hasn't called me at all since we broke up, especially when she said she still wants to be friends. My mother said it's close to impossible to remain friends, after spending so much time together as a couple. I don't know, seriously. I still miss her a little here and there, now and then. But I've already accepted most stuffs, like she's no longer with me and stuff already. Is it that hard being friends? Damn it, my sister has been listening to Jill Hsu's "I Wanna Be With You". My ex-girlfriend loved this song a lot. Haha, she always wanted me to play this song whenever she's at my house, and she would sing along. I've to admit, it's a nice song, but it reminds me of her too much. The lyrics (taken from nuchin.com)...

mei li qi zong shi lan yang yang de
lai zhao ni huai ni wan pi xi xi
shi gai zuo xie shi xin li you tian mi de
bu xiang yao bu xiang yao zheng kai yan jing
wo he ni pin luu ru ci jie jin
mei ya li zi zai zuo wo zi ji
di yi ci gan shou zhe zhong ai de jue xin
zhi xiang yao zhi xiang yao he ni yi qi
i wanna be with you ai ni hao xing fu
xiang yao he ni jian zao yi ge ai de xiao wu
i wanna be with you ai ni hao man zu
xiang shou zui tian mei de shu fu you ni de he hu wo bu zai gu du

Anyway, I talked to a friend of hers yesterday, seems that she's been doing fine :). She says that my ex-girlfriend doesn't really talk about that new guy though, and that's because the guy is supposedly always busy... I wonder. It also seems that I haven't been mentioned in any of their conversations, as though I've never existed in her life. Sort of sad... Sometimes I really wonder if the girl who was with me, is really gone. What happened to that sweet little girl? Fairy tales can't exist in this world... Can they? Anyway, here's a recent picture I took of myself, just posting for the fun of it... Lol... :).

YC

20040827

15 Minutes More

Hey people, 15 minutes more and it would've been the 26th month with her, if I'm still with her :(. I know I shouldn't be counting down this, but sometimes you can't help but remember.

The Longest 15 Minutes Ever
Just 15 minutes more
It would've been 26 months
But 15 minutes more
And I would have to accept
That we've already broken up

I wouldn't be able to hear your voice
Wouldn't hear you wishing me
Wouldn't be able to thank you
Would't hear you thanking me

Just 3 months ago
I was hugging you
But 3 months later
You've forgotten me
And I can't help but admit
That I still think of you sometimes
- August 27, 2004

Alright, going to take a bath and I'm off to my friend's house :). Check this out... :)

CCN Day!

Today was CCN Day, and damn, it's really tiring. No doubt, it was fun! I wore a pink polo t-shirt to school today, in order to attract some attention for whatever job I'm told to do, such as advertising certain things and stuff. Anyway, I went home around 12 to take my digital camera, and returned to school somewhere around 1. I didn't get to use it in the end though, lol :P. Initially, I was helping out at the basketball tournament, selling drinks and stuff. After a while, I went to our booth (Polar chicken pies and Henna handarts) at the Engineering block. Jia Hua (CENT Club member) then told me to take over Jian Hui's job. Basically, I had to hold this nice banner which advertises the Henna service we're doing, and walk around, showing people. It was fun, although I did look quite stupid :(. The whole thing ended sometime around 5, and after clearing up the place, I went back to the basketball court. Damn. I had to walk past Business School twice two day, and both times I look really stupid. The first time was when Roy insisted that we go through that school, while carrying a carton of drinks each. He wanted to find some girl -_-. The second time was when I returned to the basketball court. Because most of my friends left their bags and stuff at the Engineering School, I had to carry like 8 bags or something and walk all the way to the basketball court, not before passing by the Business School :(. Naturally I heard some rather amusing comments.

After everything ended, I stayed in school to play soccer with Raj and the rest. Maclean played again! Lol. Boon Tiong and Hong Wen joined us too :). We played from 7 to 8+ or so, and damn, it's really hard to see when it's dark :(.

All in all, today's really fun, but I didn't get to see 5 :(. Bah. I did have a girl telling me something about guava juice for no apparent reason though :P. I'm going off to a friend's house now. See you people soon!

Side note: Sorry for today's really bad English. I'm rather tired and can't really think or type well now.

Yay!

Lol I haven't slept yet. I just got a Gmail invite thanks to someone from the Neowin forums! Thanks a lot! Been setting it up and playing around :P.

Just Another Poem I Just Thought Up....

Would You Let Me Run Away?
If I kill someone today
Where would I be tomorrow?
Would you kill me to stop me?
Or would you let me run away?

If you are truly a friend
You should kill me to stop me
Before I become a devil
Before everything's too late

If you let me run away
I might not thank you at all
I might end up killling your family
Your friends, and even you

Yet if you let me run away
I might someday atone for my sins
I might save many lives in return
I might save your family and friends

So my dear friend whom I just killed
If I kill someone today
Would you let me run away?
Or would you... Kill me.
- August 27, 2004

Alright, off to sleep now... Good night!

20040826

Untitled Stupid Post

Hey people, here I am again. Tomorrow's my school's CCN Day! CCN = Campus Care Network. I'll probably be at the basketball court selling drinks. Haha :P. Ok, enough of light stuff, here's some serious things...

I realised, that everyday in our lives, something special always happens. It's whether we notice it or not. It can be something especially good, something especially bad, something especially fun, the list goes on. Most of the time, we take the good things for granted, not even realising they happened. Yet, when it comes to the bad stuff, we whine over it, complain, whine again, and go on crapping, even when you reach home, you complain about it over the phone, over IM chats, everywhere. You know, if you actually bother to stop whining and start thinking, you'll probably find that most of the bad things aren't even bad, and some are funny to begin with. It's how you view things. Also, some things aren't what they seem to be... Some friends aren't really friends :). Bah, that's common knowledge already.

Anyway, I forgot to mention this in yesterday's post, but I think there's this really cute 15-year-old girl living in my block. I was coming out of the lift when she wanted to rush into it, while carrying/hugging (wrong word?) her dog. She nearly banged into me, quickly said sorry, and made way for me. I went out of the lift, turned around, and she was there smiling really sweetly :P. I told her to take care and have fun, then I left. Bah, it's nothing special, but things like this makes me smile. Oh ya, she's pretty too. Too bad she's young :(.

Ok, back to today. I gave 5 a call just now, and spent some time talking to her. Well, before you start scolding me for giving a girl a number, it actually means something :). Maclean and the rest would understand. Anyway, we were basically just talking about how's life's been and stuff, when I asked her how's things between her boyfriend and her. You see, her boyfriend is overseas right now (I've no idea how long he has been overseas, but the last time I talked to her was around 2 weeks or so ago.), and he hasn't been contacting her for a long time already. So I asked if he's called her and stuff, and she seemed sort of sad when I did that. Although she said she doesn't care anymore, I think she really does. After all, she's with him for like 4 years or so already... I just wish that guy would give her a call soon. Make her happy or something, at least. Anyway, there was some miscommunication between us, and we ended up talking about other things. I feel like a complete bastard talking to someone who's attached, when I personally do like her a bit. I don't know, really. I wish I could help in some way... But I can't help if she doesn't say a thing... Maybe I'm just thinking too much. Anyway, she seems to be a really sweet girl, so those of you who are reading this, please wish for her happiness or something. Alright, see you people later. Take care :).

Crying The Lie
Just another day has passed by
You're still on my mind
Can't believe how time flies
Still can't forget your eyes
Just like I still remember your lies
Was everything just a disguise?
It really came as a surprise
Why did we have to say goodbyes?
Now I'm left with nothing but whys
When again will I rise?
Will it be before my heart dies?

We used to look at the bright blue sky
Everyday just you and I
Yet you just fell for another guy
And no matter how much I try
You just wanted to say bye
Why then did you have to cry?
What are you trying to imply?
Who will you be come next July?
And no matter how much I deny
No matter how much I lie
I can't help... but just cry
- August 26, 2004

Reminiscence 2 (28.06.2002 - 13.06.2004)

I'm seriously bored right now, so I'll just post some more... Anyway, after the break-up with her, I've been trying to find a direction in life. I think I've found it. Look at the dreams to the right :). Some of you might be thinking I'm pretty weak for a guy. I've to agree. But neither can I deny that it was a very nice 2 years. I don't know what I should've done, or what I shouldn't have. Anyway, I'm trying to wrote some poems recently, and can't really write... My state of mind isn't stable enough :(. Below is just one stanza from a poem that I think rhymes nicely enough... The flow sucks though...

Two years gone in just two days
It's really leaving me in a daze
Maybe this is just another phase
For now I've to rid the haze
But I still miss the good old days

There you go. Haha... :). You know, if a girl has been really nice to you, and she leaves, it really sucks. People will say that if she's a nice girl she wouldn't have left and stuff. I mean, it's true in a way... But feelings can't be controlled, can they? I wonder... Anyway, check out http://www.funwithsex.org for some laughs. It's NOT a pornography site. Alright, I guess I better get to bed soon :).

The Fact You're Good Makes It Worse

Hi, it's 1am or so, and I was browsing through my past writings when I came across this.

Lost
I tried to forget you
Even though it's impossible
Knowing that, I still tried
At least I might get over you

I can't accept the fact
That everything was just an act
Why did you have to do this?
Did I ever offend you on purpose?

You told me about your past
Your past relationships and problems
Even though I really wanted to have you
I hid it and tried my best to help

Now it seems that you deserve them
Those sufferings, those pains
The wound you inflicted on me
Is so deep, it will never heal

The wound bleeds forever
And I will forever remember you
But I won't remember your truths
For you never told me any

Now I am still fooling myself
Telling myself that I will forget you
But I can't even get over you
And this is thanks to your perfect acting

So I cut myself physically
To forget about the pain emotionally
Yet all this is only temporary
For I have lost myself eternally
- May 24, 2002

Anyway, I'm talking to Nicholas online right now. Nice fellow to talk to. Do check out his blog :).

20040825

Reminiscence (28.06.2002 - 13.06.2004)

Today's August 25... If I'm still with her, 3 days from now would be our 26th month together. But I'm no longer with her. No, I should rephrase that. She's no longer with me. For the past 2 months or so, the only saying that really kept me going was what my father told me. "Na De Qi Yao Fang De Xia" It's some Chinese phrase that says "If you have the guts to take up something, have the guts to leave it, to put it down." Move on, you say. I have. But face it, how easy is it to let go of a near 2-year relationship? I'm a guy, yes. To most people, I'm simply a joker. Always cracking jokes, making a fool out of myself. To others, they see me as a genius, always slacking, yet scoring well for my examinations. Either way, it doesn't matter, because they only see what I project, and not what I really feel. I guess I've to be honest to myself sometimes too.

My dear ex-girlfriend, if you're reading this now, which you probably aren't, I want you to know that I still think of you every now and then, I still miss the good morning and sweet good night messages from you. I still remember the time I rushed to the Polyclinic to find you when we had some serious conflict. I still remember the time you went out secretly, against your parents' wishes, just to buy some food and bring it to my house. I also remember how you stood by me when my parents were getting divorced. Even though I seem happy to most people right now, I can't deny, deep inside me, there's still you. I want to hate you for the lies you told me towards the end, I want to say "Fuck off." to you, but I can't. I can't because a week of lies from you can't possibly take over the love you've given me for the 2 years or so. Let me... Go to the very beginning...

I first met her through her brother, who was a classmate, and friend of mine. Let's call my ex-girlfriend... Dolphin. I can't possibly use "Darling" now, can I? But I do remember for a fact she likes dolphins a lot, even the drink "Pink Dolphin". Anyway, at that time, I liked another girl, who has really done lots of shit to me, even though we aren't attached. Dolphin was always there for me, and never once did she say anything that would've benefitted herself. Anyway, I finally let go of the other girl, and for a while I didn't feel anything special for anyone. After a while, I felt something special for Dolphin, but at that time I seriously felt she was just a sweet girl, and that I'm just a friend to her. However, after some time, things became pretty obvious. Even her brother was telling me about it in school. I became really close friends with her, and pretty soon we were together. Here's something really cute; I had planned to ask her before she does anything, but strangely enough, she gave me a letter on the same day I planned to ask her. Thus, she's first. Haha.

I really enjoyed the times I had with her. However, exactly on our 5th month, her parents found out about us, and strongly went against it. Not only that, her brother, whom I regarded as a friend, didn't even bother to help. Her parents even came to talk to me, and at that time, I was forced to swallow my pride and my arguments, just to make sure my girlfriend won't get into further trouble. However, I did lose my temper about 3/4 through, as they were really getting too unreasonable. Anyway, after that incident, I was seriously considering breaking up with her, in order to prevent further problems. She didn't want to, no matter how I tried being logical and stuff with her. So we went on being together, and like most couples, had our ups and downs.

I've always had a bad temper, and the unfortunate one to receive it is usually my girlfriend. It's not that I don't try to control it, but sometimes it's just so damn hard to. Each time I lose my temper at her, I really regret it. And I always make it a point to apologise to her. I'm really thankful for how she tolerated all the crap I've thrown at her. And each time, she smiles and says "I don't mind. It's my fault too." even when there're times it has nothing to do with her. Here we're talking about a really sweet girl, who smiled even in times like this. We're talking about a sweet girl who folded 512 (it sounds like "I love you" in Hokkien) hearts for me.

Anyway, towards the end of our relationship, particularly the last 2 months with her, I sort of managed to control my temper well. In fact, we barely quarrelled, and I was really happy with her at that time. I was working at that time too (holidays), and wanted to take the last week off so I could spend some quality time with her. Who was to know that I would find out she likes another guy on the Saturday before that week? Who was to know she had to lie to me...? You know, I found out around 5am, Saturday morning? How? Friendster. Really sweet testimonials for each other, and shit. I called her up and asked her what exactly was going on, and she kept on denying everything. Later that day, around 6pm or so, I even went to Pasir Park with her, where she said she was just confused, and that she's really sure she still wants to be with me. But people, intuition does exist, and it told me things weren't good. On Sunday, I asked her again, calmly, and she finally admitted. We broke up over the phone on that very day, around 6.30pm. Just 2 more weeks and 1 day, and it would've been 2 years with her.

The next day, I went back to work, because I had given my manager my word that I would work for one last day. I couldn't even concentrate, losing my temper at customers and stuff. Anyway, I took 1/2 day, and went to meet her after that at the Esplanade, where we talked about the good old times. And there she was, the same old Dolphin I know, crying and telling me "I can't bear to let go." Yet, she insisted on breaking up. I still have the shirt she cried on. Anyway, the following 2 weeks or so after that was really shit. Her attitude towards me started changing, and the most hurting incident was one where I wished her good luck with the other guy, and she said I was being sarcastic? Seriously, would I be in the mood to be sarcastic? Anyway, although she said we are still friends and stuff, she hasn't contacted me yet, not even once.

You know, I shifted to my new house a few months before the breakup. And I had specially packed a box which contains all the stuff she has given me. I was supposed to unpack it after my new house is completely ready, TOGETHER WITH HER. It's still packed till now, and everytime I see it, I can't help but feel a tinge of sadness. Girl, if you're reading this now, I have some questions to ask you.... What happened to the girl I know? What did I do wrong? Are you happy now? The list goes on. My father says I'll probably never have these questions answered. My mother say I'll find a better girlfriend in future. Everyone says that, but even till now, I must admit, she was the sweetest girl I ever knew.

I don't know what else to type anymore. I just want to thank all my friends, and my parents who were there for me. And, to end it, here's two passages Dolphin typed for me from some book, back then when I liked the other girl, before I fell for Dolphin.

Loving Through Loss
Whatever comes will go. You confirm that truth over and over, with big things and small. Whoever you are with will depart, or you will beat them to it. Whatever you are doing will end,or you will no longer be around to do it. When you are young, healthy, and upbeat, you can forget this truth, but not for long. Soon you lose something you value.

Slowly your thoughts fill with wonderful memories. It hits home that this too - whatever this may be - really shall pass away. You can imagine a future, as certain the arrive as the rpesent moment was...

... Each loss leaves a hole. There is no point pretending it does not. Some of the holes are large. And life still goes on, always with the challenge to use the crisis produced by the loss to experience deeply how mysterious it all is, and, when appropriate, to get up once more and love.


The Myth Of Pain
The myth of pain says that if you love, you will be hurt, badly hurt. Too many people have experienced so much pain in connection with the people they most loved - parents, siblings, friends, lovers, would-be lovers, spouse - that they automatically associate loving with pain. Tehy have been abandoned, abused, and disappointed by the poeple they loved, not just once, but over and over again. If you associate pain with loving, you will challenge the truth of the old expression, "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

But the pain is inevitable in human life, more so if you pull away from love than if you move into it. Since it was the big loves that led to your pain, in order to break free of this myth, embrace the little loves that can fill up your life. Do not worry about the big ones for a while. Your protective instincts have no reason to concern
themselves about enthusiasm for your garden or your enjoyment of tonight's dinner. As you exercise the little loves, WORK TO MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR PAST, AND REPLACE THE MYTHS THAT GET IN THE WAY, THE FAMILIAR TIE BETWEEN LOVE AND PAIN WILL FADE AWAY.


If you've read this far, thanks. Girl, if you're reading this, I really thought you were the one. Sometimes I still think that way. Never mind that number 5... Probably just someone I'm trying to substitute you with. You still owe me a ballet dance :P. Have a good day everyone :).

Edit: On a side note, to those who have just broken up or something, don't give up on love. I think everybody needs somebody, yup? Don't lie to yourself ^_^.

20040824

Tiring Day...

Damn today's a really tiring day. Firstly, I woke up late, missed the first lesson. Thankfully it's just APEL, and I'm fortunate enough to have sent the APEL Report (due today) to Maclean, so he could print it out and bring it to school. Normally I would've brought it to school myself to print. Not only that, I'm late enough to be forced to take a cab in order to be in time for my second lesson (ELNDES lecture). I would've skipped it if it wasn't for the fact that the teacher probably remembers my face. Anyway, I practically spent the whole lesson talking shit to Maclean (as usual). After that we had EMATH3 lecture, which I skipped, together with Maclean and Gregory. Went to have lunch, then walked around school distributing the CCN Day flyers to everyone. Roy and some others came along. I must admit, I am not cut out to distribute flyers. I find it extremely frustrating when people refuse to take them. Even worse, they ignore you. Damn. Roy seems to be very good at giving them out though. Anyway, while in Business School, Roy bought a balloon, er... folded (correct word?) like a sword. It looks nice in a way, but it seriously resembles more of a dick than a sword. As usual, he started laming around, with me joining in. As I just watched Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, I commented that it's that "Green Dynasty" sword. Yes, lame, I know, but you would be as lame as I am if you were thrown into a class of 24 boys and 0 girls.

After that, we had PCOMSYS lecture, and it was really boring. I somehow managed to burst the "blade" part of that sword balloon, leaving only the handle. AND IT REALLY LOOKS LIKE A BIG FAT DICK. Later on, Khalid (my classmate), completely destroyed that balloon. Lol. School went on as usual, and we went to play soccer with Raj and some others (mostly P02 people) after that. It was fun, and Maclean actually played :P.

Anyway, most important thing that happened today... ROY IS IN LOVE WITH SOME RED SHIRT GIRL HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW :X. Alright, enough from me already, see you people later. Have a good day!

20040823

Writings By Me...

Seeing as most of you probably don't check out the links to the right side, I've decided I'll post some of my old writings here once in a while. Then again, most of you are probably unaware of this blog too :(. Anyway, enjoy the following. Note: I wrote them 2 years or so ago, so beware of the childishness, and please take note that they do not, in any way, reflect my current feelings.

Impossible Hope
Each time I look at this photo
A perfect picture of you and me
An unanswered question comes to my mind
A question that will remain forever
What was it that made you change?

You threw away a perfect future
And made me give up all hope on love
You never saw through the sadness in my eyes
The pain I felt within for you
Why didn't you even bother?

You acted like it didn't matter
Even though you knew it did
A reason was never given
You left without a trace of return
Do you value pride over truth?

Everything seemed like a horror movie
Within a cinema I can never leave
You were the director without a license
A director that does things on impulse
Was it fun toying with my feelings?

My desperate heart knows how perfect we can be
And I am sure you know it too
You ran away from the truth
Saying it's for my good
Do you consider that your reason?

Now I'm all alone on this bed
Looking at the empty space beside me
You know how much I loved you
And what I would sacrifice for you
Yet why did you leave?

I'm tearing the photo into pieces
For your coming back to me is impossible
I had really hoped for your return
But who was to know that that night...
Was to be the last day of your life.
- April 28, 2002

Hope you liked it. Anyway, if you're interested in reading more such stuff, check out ShuX-Inspir3 to the right, or you can just click here.

5. 五

Today my school started at 12pm, and I still woke up late enough to have to take a cab :(. Realised that many others were later than me, such as Gregory and Maclean. On a side note, Gregory is almost the latest for every single class. Cool :p. Anyway, went for lessons as usual, and during PCOMSYS my group started talking shit again, as usual. Maclean was serious though, while I didn't do much as a leader. Sorry! Really tired. Thanks Maclean-bye. Anyway, after school, we stayed back and distributed the CCN Day flyers to some people, and I happen to see 五 (5). Anyway she's a really cute girl and she was there waving at me. But each time I see her my balls desert me, so I could only return her waving with some pathetic smile, and a 1/2 effort to wave back. Sadly for me, she's attached so she probably doesn't care :(. After that, TG came to my house to rush the APEL report. Our third and final member, MACLEAN, didn't come as he had his Final Theory (Driving), together with Gregory. Hope they pass!

Fell asleep after TG left, and woke up around 30 minutes ago. Had some really shit dreams. Damn I wish I could stop dreaming for just once sometimes. Anyway, see you people later. Have a nice day/good night! :)

Thanks To Melv/Sarah?

Please visit his/her site as he/she's been really nice to link me, although he/she doesn't even know me. Click here to visit it. Sorry I don't know what's his/her gender yet. Lol. I'll add the site to the quick links section once I have his/her name ^_^.

Edit: I just checked out her site. Somehow her nickname's Melvin (No offense, but I've always thought of Melvin as a guy's name), but yes, she's a girl. ^_^ Added to Quick Links ^_^.

On a side note, I got into the Director's List (Top 10%) for my course :D.

This Is Going To Be A Long One

Just thought I would type up something about myself, especially since this blog is so new. It's going to be a long post. Anyway, I was surfing the internet looking for nice quotes to add to this site (Check out the top and bottom of this site), and found some really nice quotes. Some quotes really make you think. Below are some I found really meaningful.

The things you own end up owning you. - Tyler Durden: Fight Club
I find this quote really meaningful. I just broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years around 2 months ago. During those 2 years, I've always been the one getting my way, even though I've told her many a times, to let me know if she wants something and whatnots. She never did. Thus, I did own her in a way, although I really didn't want to. When we broke up, all the grudges she had been keeping inside herself came out. I couldn't say a thing. I was practically "owned" by what she's hurling at me. I still miss her sometimes, but I doubt she even cares. She simply left for another guy after 2 years with me... I don't even know what I did wrong. She said we're still friends, but she hasn't contacted me since the last time I called her. The saddest thing was that it was during the last few months together that we were really happy together. At least, I was. I used to have a bad temper, and I tried changing. I finally did, but she left. Maybe girls like bad boys more... Just one thing. I'm vulgar, yes. But at least, I don't sweet-talk meaningless crap just to get a girl.

There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy. - Dante
This quote definitely reminds me of myself. I thought I could at least keep happy memories of the times I had with her, but how can I be happy when she's no longer with me?

Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion. - Javan
This doesn't need an explanation, does it?

For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.' - John Greenleaf Whittier
Yeah... It might have been. If I hadn't work during the school holidays, she might not have fell for another guy and left me. Then again, if she didn't leave me then, she might leave me later. I can't deny I'm a dreamer, and a really naive one. I thought I would be with her forever. She always said that too. That we would be forever. I still remember her sms-es. In fact, I still keep some of them. But you know what? What is forever? As long as I love you, I'll be with you forever? Lol. So the forever only lasts as long as the love. Maclean and PT, if you're reading this, you know what I mean.

It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all. - Samuel Butler
Really? The pain and stuff, is it really worth it? Even now I'm wondering...

Well, basically, that's all. I know right now most of you are saying I can't get over my ex-girlfriend and stuff, but the fact is, I'm already fine now. I just like to look back and reflect on the stuff that's happened in my life from time to time. Some of you probably are laughing too :). Whatever. Just got to face whatever comes my way. I still miss her a lot, and I hope that she'll do well in life. My friends say that I shouldn't even care, but I do. No idea why. She lied to me towards the end of the relationship, talked crap, even said some really hurting stuff. Sometimes I really wonder that the other guy told her. Sometimes I wish I could hate her, but I just can't. Haha. I'm such a loser.

20040822

Cute Cousins!

Damn it before I could take a bath my uncle (Mum's younger brother) came with his family! Anyway, he came to return some stuff that I left at his house after I shifted to Simei. Among them were some light dumbbells and stuff, and I managed to take some shots of my cousins playing with them.

01
02
03
04

Alright, time to bathe now! ^_^

Think Of One For Me

Hiya people, today was a 1/2 good day for me. Woke up around 2pm, then went out with my mum around 4pm to Century Square to order something. Maclean and some others, you know what it is. It's coming on Wednesday night! :D:D:D Anyway, after that I went to SportsLink at Tampines Mall to get some shuttlecocks. Reached home around 5pm, then went downstairs to play badminton with a friend. The court was in use by others, so we ended up playing with them, and making some friends too. None of them was my age, with the oldest being 15. There were no girls too :(. I saw these same group of people with a rather cute girl yesterday, but today she wasn't there :(. Haha. Anyway, the wind was really huge. Can't really play as a result. Nevertheless, it was fun playing with these new friends, reminds me of myself back then at Pasir Ris, where I know practically everyone at the badminton court (Okok, Sepak Takraw court. *Spelling?*). Went home around 7.20pm, had dinner, and fell asleep. Just woke up, and I'm here typing this. Haven't even bathed :X. Alright, see you people soon, and take care!

Edit: WTF a piece of tissue just floated from nowhere (outside?)and landed nicely on my window grille? It looks unused too. I just took it and threw it down =\.

20040821

Layout Almost Done

Hiya, the layout is almost done already. It's actually the Minima Black template by Douglas Bowman, and I simply edited it to my liking. Thanks to him for such a good template :). Today's a really tiring day. I was supposed to meet my friends in school at 10am or so to give out some flyers for the upcoming basketball tournament the CENT club is organising for CCN day. As usual, I was late. Reached around 1pm. Anyway, there wasn't much people around and we didn't manage to give out as many as we would've liked. I'm lazy to type already, do sign up for the event if you're from TP. Thanks! Please click on the picture to see a larger version.

CCN Day Basketball Tournament!

Hi!

Hi, this is just a test post. Anyway I'll try to blog/post as much as I can, have fun and take care peole :).