20041031

Sleep Is Good

Just woke up :D. Slept from 1am or something all the way till 4pm just now. Feel so refreshed now. I don't exactly feel sad or anything, probably numb already. Or maybe I've finally learned to "kan kai". Lol. I can't stop smiling for some stupid reason. I've no idea. Sleep is good, seriously. Thanks to Dian for the advice. Lol. Maybe it'll take a while for what happened yesterday to hit me. Bah, for now, let's enjoy. Good luck to Hilmi and Kelvin too :).

Dirty Phucks

Dian (heloo sexy babe ~) and Me (drknz - i'm like a bird):

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
CB shiok sia

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
the feelng

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
why

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
caveman

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
?

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
HAHAHAHAH

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
lol

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
nv bathe all?

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
if can no need la

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
SAME LA

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
chee bye

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
that time i champion

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
2 days nv bathe

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
sia la. duno got brush teeth or not

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
HAHAHA

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
AHHAHA WTF

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
i 4 days sia last time

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
8ix time

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
chee bye. how come i keep on smiling sia -_-

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
i match cs

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
WTF.

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
match cs

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
sleep

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
cs

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
wake up cs

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
no bathe no change shirt

20041030

Finale

She doesn't want to give us another chance, and I respect that. She's still really nice though. Hope everything goes well for her from here on. Take care, girl. I'll be cheering for you.

Happiness Within Sadness

Went out with Asheeq, Hilmi, and Dian yesterday. Not really went out, but I went to meet them after work. We ate at Burger King, and lots of shit happened. It all started with this auntie who took ASHEEQ's coupons from our table without even asking, I think. Then many stuffs happened, and Hilmi laughed till he opened his stupid mouth and all his food came landing on me. I wiped it off, and Hilmi helped too. After that, somehow, he and Asheeq started laughing. Hilmi managed to drop the tissue onto someone else's leg. Lol. Anyway, had lots of laughter, although I am really dead tired. The chest pain is subsiding, but it comes back once in a while.

After that, I got a call from Her, and I'm glad she tried. But the answer is not a yes, nor a no... She still wants time. I suppose I need more time too. Lots of things going through my mind now. Rather, I don't know what's going through my mind now, I guess I'm really lost.

Bah. Guess I'll play some more CS with them later...

Good luck to all taking supplementary papers next week! Study hard, never give up!

20041029

Emotions

Love is something that can make you smile, no matter how bad your day was. It can also make you cry, no matter how good your day was. Doesn't matter how many friends are by your side. Even if they're sincere, you can only save yourself from the hell that comes from breaking up. To let go is one thing, to run away is another. Which one is it? You don't know. Letting go and running away. What's the difference? When one's mind is pushed to the limit, how sure can he be? You only think you're letting go. You don't know. You only think so. Right, YC? All you are feeling right now is numbness. Everything feels perfectly right and wrong at the same time. You don't even know what you want. Don't even know who you are. Pain? You laugh when you feel pain. You don't want to be reminded of the weak you. Pain makes you learn, it helps you grow. Be proud of the scars you carry, be it a physical or mental one. Live life like you know nothing. And learn. Learn throughout your life. Humans will always make mistakes. We're imperfect. You thought you had let go, didn't you? But every time you talk to her, you feel like you can make the past come true again. Is that what you really want? Just one more try? You say yes, you want. Is it worth it? She's going to answer you tonight.

Fear engulfs you. Just like the strong live, the weak die. If your heart is weak, you get played like a puppet. Even then you won't retaliate. Because of love? Or because you are so weak you can't even hurt anyone at all? What do you really want? You can't answer, for all you feel is emptiness. Numbness. You try facing the facts but you still feel nothing. You try asking your heart, but you don't find it anywhere. Either that, or your heart has given up on everyone but yourself. It no longer beats, or cares for anyone. You are weak. You should die. Is that what you feel? Are you fooling yourself? You can't answer. You don't want to let anyone down, but how many times have you let yourself down? You only put on a strong front. You crack jokes with others. You smile, you laugh. When working, everyone finds you friendly. But deep down inside, you aren't smiling. You're but a shadow of your former self. Future? You don't even care. So what if you do well for your studies? When in the end, you only celebrate alone. You share the joy with your friends, but the feeling of sharing it with someone special just isn't there. You miss the feeling, but do you miss that person? You miss that person, but do you still love that person? You love that person, but do you think it's still worth another go? A glass, once broken, will never be returned to it's initial state. Yes, with some God-given creativity, you will be able to glue it back in such an amazing way that it actually looks BETTER than it was. But what are the chances?

You find solace in working out. Carrying weights. But how long are you going to escape? You're already lost, yet you keep wandering further from yourself. Away from your friends and family. Solitude is what you ultimately seek, yet you fear loneliness. Loneliness is scary, isn't it? The feeling that your existence is meaningless, the feeling that you're completely useless. Even a shadow has more uses than you. If you become strong and powerful, you will surely destroy. It's better that you remain a weakling, because you will never have the heart to hurt anyone, no matter how much he or she deserves it.

Once again, will you throw away your heart? You want to if you can, don't you, YC? You can never make a girl happy. But you can't throw away the facts. The fact that even till now, you still believe that love exists. And you want to feel it once more, even though you fucking don't deserve it. And fucking stop talking to yourself.

Pivot @ Work





Some fucking bastard just called and lost his temper without even thinking. He told me to work smart, not work hard, when all I did was ask for his name and telephone number.

The reason "It's in the case number, why must you ask?"
My reply? "You might have wanted us to contact you at another number."

Shut the fuck up. You've no right to insult me. Look who you are talking to =).

Physical Heartache

I slept around 8.30pm, and just woke up. Throughout the sleep I've been having some pain in my chest :(. Bah. Never mind. I made some nice Pivot animations while at work yesterday. Might upload them later ^_^.

20041028

Sick :(

Well here I am working and feeling extremely tired physically and mentally. Talking to customers is fun though, but I've to stop myself from sleeping. Nearly vomitted for like 5 times already, since morning. Interesting. Alright, see you people later. I'm going to sleep when I get home.

Edit: Great, I fell asleep.

Lost Lamb

I don't understand myself at all, really. I don't want to hurt anyone of you, and I don't even know... What I really want anymore. Whatever happens from here on, if I hurt you, I'm sorry. Sorry, really. Sorry my heart's so fucking soft, I can't even make up my mind. Sorry if I lead you on. Sorry, and thank you for everything.

I've been moving forward, while looking backwards all the time. I never really let go of anything before. The memories, they're still fresh. The wounds, they're still healing. Every time they heal, I'll somehow open the wound again, willingly. Pain is what I deserve. Hurt makes me learn more.

I'm greedy. I don't want to lose anything. But I can't have everything. Either way, I'll end up hurting someone. Someone, who doesn't deserve it at all. It's not about you, it's about myself. I don't even know if I still have any feelings for you, but talking to you makes me very happy. I still miss the past. I don't mind having it back. I miss everything about you. I never realised how much you meant till you left.

Dian said I'm kind, but I'm not. I'm simply a useless guy who always lets his heart controls his mind, completely irrational. Maybe I deserve to be hated. Sometimes, suicide isn't an option sometimes. It happens to be the only way. But there's so much more to life. I won't mind dying, if my life can be given to someone else. Maybe prolong someone's life by 20 years or something. I'm sure he or she can make that 20 years more meaningful than I can.

I'm working soon, in 3 hours' time. Haven't slept the whole night. Been thinking through, and still no answer. Once again, I created my own hell. And no, this post isn't for just one person...

20041027

20041026

Playtime Is Over... :(

Alright, time to write some serious stuff out... While I was talking to her just now, I felt happy. I don't know why. She's always able to make me happy, somehow. The way she talks, the way she laughs, her comments and everything...

Even though we've broken up, a part of me still wants to protect her somehow. Protect her from all the filth in this world... It seems that I ended up corrupting her and hurting her though... Deep down inside, maybe I never really let go of her before. She says she's been talking to this guy who's a flirt recently. Just hope nothing goes wrong...

I'm seriously not in a mood to do anything now... Death seems peaceful at times...

Meeting her this Saturday, going to give her a surprise... Make her happy, at least one last time...

PIVOT ROCKS

Lol, I spent the past 2 minutes or so on Pivot again, and came up with this:



On a more serious note, I was talking to my ex-girlfriend for the past 1 hour plus or so... She's doing fine, and I'm glad to hear that... :). Had a good chat, some laughs here and there... Anyway, when we were about to put down the phone, I really wanted to say the things we used to say... Things like "Take care, Darling." etc. But it's over already... So yeah...

Download Pivot and have fun :).

Edit: I CAN'T STOP PLAYING PIVOT!

Yay.



I just realised that Firefox plays the gif below at a much faster speed, and it looks nicer... Don't know how to change the settings though. It's supposed to be 0.01s per frame but it looks so damn slow... :(.

Boredom

Was browsing the Neowin forums when I came across this thread about making your own stickmen gifs. Click here to view the thread. Anywhere, spent some time with the program, Pivot, to make "Y"! Haha. Here's it:



Pretty stupid. Anyway, you can get Pivot here.

Lots of things are running through my head now... Sigh... Maybe I should start a new life... Go clubbing, hook up girls, enjoy. Or something... I don't know.

The Day Before

Dian came my house around 2.30pm or something, and we were supposed to go to Kelly Services (some working agency) to apply for the job at Boon Tiong's workplace. Boon Tiong told me his boss already said it was ok, and all we had to do is apply and whatnots. So before we left, I gave this person working at Kelly Services a call. He said it's not possible for us to work till just the end of November. He wanted us to work till the end of December. When I went on to tell him what Boon Tiong's boss said and stuff, he gave me a "No". Not only that, he was really sarcastic. Fucking hell. Thankfully I still have a job at Acer.

In the end, I went back to sleep while Dian played CS on my computer. I gave Boon Tiong a call, and he said he would call me again but he didn't. Guess he's too busy :(. Dian left my house around 5pm, and I slept till 6pm. Gave Andrew a call and found out they were in the CENT room. Met them in Tampines at 7.20pm for dinner. Andrew went home after that, leaving only me and Rayhan. We went to 77th Street as I wanted to buy a cap. After that, I saw Dian and Hilmi. I asked Rayhan to join us but he had to go home. So it's left with Dian, Hilmi, and me. We walked around somemore, and Dian bought some air freshener stuff for his room. Can't remember the brand. Lol. Then we sat somewhere outside Century Square, after getting Big Gulp, and started talking. I can't remember if it's before or after that, but we went to Challenger and saw $42 outside! At the top of the escalator that was going down. All 3 of us was stunned, and just when we went to pick it up, the security guard took it and called someone in front of us. He asked if it's his money, and that guy said yes. I DON'T BELIEVE THOUGH. He looks so stunned, and he didn't even check his pocket or his wallet. Fuck. We got robbed, literally. Anyway, we walked around searching for money after that, as we had nothing better to do. Back to the chatting session, Hilmi and me talked about lots of stuff relating to our previous relationship. Lol. Sad yet funny. Had some really good laughs. Dian simply sat there and listen :P.

After that, we walked around somemore, looking for money. Then Dian and Hilmi came up with this stupid idea to push the McDonald's statue down. And they did it. After that, we all ran, with me going first :X. Haha. Poor McDonald's. Dian was excited enough to literally push it without any support. Luckily, Hilmi supported it down, and no loud noise was made as a result. Went on looking for money and whatnots, talked somemore, before we all left. I went home, while Hilmi went to Dian's house. Haha. Been a long time since I enjoyed a night this much ^_^. Really fun.

20041025

YC

When with Maclean and the rest of the CENT people, he's bossy and has a serious attitude problem. He tries to be nice at times but gets really frustrated easily. Insane urge for power and control. Tends to disturb Gregory too much. He's almost like a toy. He knows it's wrong. Sorry Gregory. Shows serious attitude problem to Maclean at times, although Maclean has a perception problem too. Treats everyone else fairly ok, although his temper really sucks to the core.

When with Kelvin and the rest of the "hia dis", and Alan and Fatimah, he's like a small boy. Often laughed at for being clumsy. Has a short temper to most of them too. Often does stupid coin tricks and useless magic stuff to amuse others, although the only one laughing in the end is himself.

When with someone he really likes, he's a complete loser. Heart over mind, completely irrational. Does things on impulse, no sense of direction. Instead of being concerned, he's worried. Instead of being protective, he's doubtful.

I'll add more to it when I think of more. Bye.

Random Rant

I'm so damn tired of everything already. Give me a break. I'm going to start work at Boon Tiong's workplace on Tuesday. Money. Nothing else matters for now. I hate this fucked up life I've right now. Doing nothing everyday. Nothing at all. Working out is good, but I can't fucking work out for 24 hours a day. 2 hours at most, 1 hour usually. The rest of the time is spent either sleeping, or slacking. Nothing else.

I don't understand anyone or anything anymore. It's so hard to understand someone else, even when I'm trying my best. I don't know what else to type already. May peace be with me. Good night.

But everything I got closer to you, you ran further away...
I only live in my dreams... In the real world, I'm simply a living shadow.

20041024

Undecoded Message

Maclean would know what the title means. Haha =(. Anyway, spent the whole of Saturday sleeping. Wanted to workout, but was too lazy. Went to Boon Tiong's house around 8.30pm for some stuff. Don't know how to explain it, but yeah =). I also tried to fix up Boon Tiong's computer, but that damn CD I brought wasn't working! Anyway, I remembered lots of stuff when I saw Boon Tiong and Jie Ping behaving so lovingly ^_^. Kelvin came to my house after that, and he's currently sleeping. USING MY BLANKET AND PILLOW TOO. Damn. I spent the past hour or so playing N, and I'm still stuck at Level 7, Epuisode 3. Argh!

Just got an sms from someone who just woke up from a nightmare. Lol... :P.

Bah, I should sleep soon... Got to go to Jie Ping's house (with Boon Tiong, of course) later to reinstall her Windows... Too much spyware. Lol... :(.

20041022

Examination Results

Just got back my results. Sigh. Two B+ to spoil everything for me... :(. Anyway, good luck to everyone else! To those taking supplementary papers, don't give up! Work hard for them and pass, then next year we all can slack together again :D. Today's work at Acer was very fun. I spent most of the time playing N, and pausing it when people called in. Even Eric asked me what game it was. Lol. He was saying that it's good to relieve stress. MACLEAN sucks at N. He's stuck at Episode 1 Level 0 for like forever. For your info, the game starts from Episode 0, with each episode having 5 Levels (0 to 4). I played till Episode 4 Level 4 today, before I got tired. After all, I'm already at Episode 7 Level 3 (on my personal computer). Maclean sucks though. He takes 20 minutes to pass each level :P. Alright, his computer sucks too. Jerky like hell.

Shit of the day: Got a call from Roy telling me Singapore just banned the usage of BitTorrent... WTF... Trying to find news on it now.

20041021

Human Nature - Cruel

You can say love's forever
And find it never stays
In you I've recovered
The one thing that must remain

I'm tired of a world undone
I've figured out you're my setting sun

CHORUS

It's cruel
The way I'm needing you
I guess I'll play the fool
It's my heart, not my mind and it's taking over
Cruel
Suddenly it's true
No longer can I choose
It's in you I'm defined and there is no other

Oh it's Cruel
Oh it's Cruel

I can hold back emotions
Get lost in a maze
But this urgency tells me
I just can't refrain

Dreams have come and passed me by
But now it's time to redefine

CHORUS

I've seen it come and go so many times
But this is critical - the truth I can't hide
And I don't know why

CHORUS


Nothing much happened today. Lazy to blog. On another note, I'll be working at Acer tomorrow. Helpdesk. Lol :D. Money money! Good night people :).

Idiotic Me

Fuck. I quarrelled with my mother yesterday over the stupidest of things. Feel like shit now. Damn. My father gave me $50 yesterday, so I could buy a 5ft barbell. So off I went to buy, with Tiong Guan. I've no idea what my sister told my mother, but the next thing I know, my mother gave me a call and scolded me for wasting money and stuff, and for asking money from my father time and again... I didn't even have a chance to explain anything. My parents are divorced, and I've no idea why my mother doesn't like it when I ask money from my father. I seldom do that, yet :(. Maybe she still cares for my father. Probably. Anyway, I ended up shouting at her over the phone. Sigh. My fucking temper... Ended up not talking to her for a night. As usual, I'm still awake, and it's like 7am already. She just woke up, and we barely talked. She's already under a lot of pressure from working and stuff, and I just added to it. FUCK.

Anyway, the barbell itself weights 9kg to 10kg or something I think. Add around 20kg of weights to it and it's around 30kg. Very nice for doing bicep curls. Working out really relieves a lot of stress, much better than punching walls. I used to do stupid things all the time when I'm down. Burn stuffs up, punch the walls. But it's stupid. You will ask yourself why later on. On the other hand, working out helps you improve yourself. Fitness and health. I've to make full use of my weights, to show my mother I'm not wasting money ^_^.

My mother just left for work. She talked to me. Yay. Currently talking to Hilmi on MSN Messenger. He also down :(. Been a long time since I talked to him. Alright, guess I got to go now. See you all around. Take care! Like the new music? Soothing right?

20041020

Listen... Just Listen To Me... For Once.

After talking to Joven and Kelvin just now, I realised both of them are more or less in the same situation as me. Whatever I'm going to type now will be 100% honest. I didn't want to accept all these initially, but after reading Dian's blog just now, I guess I'll just be honest to myself. Since the day I lost her, my ex-girlfriend, I have never really passed a day without thinking of her. In a way, I can't really forget about her. What about her? I don't know. Everything, I suppose. In another way, I've moved on, there're other people I... Honestly think I like a lot. Sorry girl, for answering "No" when you asked me if there's anyone I'm interested in right now. There is someone I've really taken a liking to, but a part of me still longs for the past sometimes. And it wouldn't be fair to anyone at all, the way I am right now.

I'm thankful you sms-ed me just now, to ask how I am. My friends are probably going to say I should just move on and stuff. I've moved on already, really, I have. Maclean always says you're no longer the same girl you were, and stuff. I wonder. And whether the answer is a yes or no, it doesn't matter anymore. All I want to remember are the happy times we had, and move on. I want to be able to smile when I think of you, even though you are no longer here with me. I still remember what you've done, or did, not just for me, but for my friends.

- When you went to Malaysia, you bought a wallet and a T-shirt, one for Poh Tiam, the other for Kelvin.
- You went to find the advertisement and location of a shop which makes rice pendants cheaply for Maclean.
- When Alan took part in a singing competition, you kept on reminding me to wish him good luck.

The list goes on... The things you did... You were really nice. I guess that's what makes it so damn hard to forget you. So, just one more time, thank you for the times we had, if you ever read this. I'm looking forward to the date, just to see how you are =).

While I was with you, I neglected many of my other friends. Not Maclean and the rest, but Kelvin and my other old friends. This is one of the greatest mistakes I've made... And I'm sorry. Thanks to all of you who stayed by my side, although Kelvin is a little gay at times ^_^.

I was feeling really down just now, especially after talking to Joven -_-. He's a bad influence. Lol. Thankfully, I got an email from one of my teachers asking me to do some things, and in the moment, I remembered my priorities. What Dian said in his blog is true, we don't have time to waste in this life. Moreover, I've always felt I wouldn't live long. No idea why :(. I hope I live till at least 65... Or something. All I want to do right now is find some peace within myself, and make someone happy. Not anyone, but a special someone.

By the way, anyone of you have any information on the group CAGNET? They seem to have some nice music, but I can't find information on them anywhere :(.

Edit: Changed the music to "Cagnet - Close To You"

20041019

I... Should Just Kill Myself

Met Maclean, Nicholas, and Andrew in Tampines around 1pm today. Sorry dudes, I'm late, AGAIN. Very tired, due to lack of sleep :(. They even waited for me so we could've lunch together =\. Sorry. Anyway, went to school after that (without Nicholas, he had bowling) for badminton. It was fun, playing with Andrew, Tiffany, Maclean, Roy, Wayne, Thiong Ming, Wai Kit, Larry, and his brother, Harry. No pun intended. Sorry if I left out some names, can't really remember. Anyway, my badminton sucks now. Can't even hit it where I want it to go. Still, it was fun ^_^.

After that, we all went to the CENT room for a bit of slacking. I fell asleep while the rest of them played "daidee" -_-. I've been getting really sharp pains in my lower back recently. No idea why. Not so much of pain, but really intense muscle aches. Sigh. I didn't even train my lower back... :(. Anyway, after that, Andrew, Maclean, Wayne and me went to McDonald's for dinner. Got an sms from my ex-girlfriend, asking me how I've been doing. The date with her is still on... 30th October I guess. I'm surprised... Seriously. Sometimes I think a part of me is still holding on to the past dearly. I hate it... Still miss the girl who was with me for close to 2 years sometimes. I seriously hate myself for my actions back then, so... Weak. No dignity, no pride. Anyway, girl, take care =). Hope a better person comes along for you one day.

Came home after dinner, and fell asleep. Woke up to sms someone but no reply =(. Lol... See you people later, take care =).

Roxette - It Must Have Been Love
Lay a whisper on my pillow,
leave the winter on the ground.
I wake up lonely,
there's air of silence in the bedroom
and all around
Touch me now, I close my eyes and dream away.

It must have been love but it's over now.
It must have been good but I lost it somehow.
It must have been love but it's over now.

From the moment we touched, 'til the time had run out.
Make-believing we're together that I'm sheltered by your heart.
But in and outside I've turned to water like a teardrop in your palm.
And it's a hard winters day, I dream away.

It must have been love but it's over now.
It's all that I wanted, now I'm living without.
It must have been love but it's over now,
it's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows.


Source: http://www.lyricstime.com/

Kitaro - Koi

Kitaro's Koi is a really soothing and peaceful piece of music. If you want to hear it, drop me a message on MSN and I'll send you ^_^. Anyway, nothing really much happened yesterday... I woke up around 3pm, after getting a call from Andrew to play soccer in school. Slowly prepared, had some food, and left house around 4.30pm. Reached school around 5pm, and played till 7pm or so... :). Went to KFC after that with Andrew, Roy, and Rayhan, and ate the Orietal Salad, AGAIN. No appetite, no idea why. Played Outrun after that, and didn't win a single time. Lol :(.

Anyway, I just want to write about some stuffs... Damn. Listening to Koi is bad :(. Makes me think of unhappy stuffs. I do that everytime I'm at peace. Lol. Just going to rant about some stuffs, directed at no one in particular, everyone in general.

Some people are so damn fake, and they don't even realise it. They've to put on a mask all the time. When mixing with people from a particular clique, they behave in a completely different way when mixing with yet another clique. For fuck's sake, be yourself. It's so fake. Then there're also those who behave like idiots all the time, so people can laugh along with them. I respect that, if you truly do that just to make your friends happy. But what about yourself? You behave like this, yet you post completely DIFFERENT stuffs on your blog. Please, I'm not blind, just short-sighted.

Then there're also friends of mine who go around breaking girls' hearts, time and again. They say they want to change, but I don't see any effort at all. All you can do is sweettalk, win her heart over, then break it. Fun? The girl is suffering in silence. In spite of the pain, she still wishes you well, asks how you are all the time. While she's doing all that, you go around chasing another girl. Diving in and out of relationships is fun, eh? You give love a bad name, seriously. I treat you as a friend, time and again, I talked to you about it. Have some fucking respect for others. Destroying someone else's faith in love. What's the use of having a relationship when you aren't even sure of anything? Curiosity? Someday that curiosity will kill you, as the saying goes. And love is surely blind. Those who are being sweettalked to don't even realise how shallow the love is, if there is even any love at all. Lust is the word, not love. Just admit you fucking like his/her looks. Nothing else. There're many others caring for you out there, but you don't even care. You only pay attention to those you're interested in, and when you get rejected, you fall back on your friends. BE THANKFUL your friends are there. They shouldn't be there. Not when you neglect them like this. Conscience... Where's yours? For every heart you break, you end up hurting and making everyone around her worry. Just to add to your collection of "ex-girlfriends". But deep down inside you're weak. Weaker than I can ever be. Because you can't even be yourself. For every different girl you chase, you put on a different mask. So who the fuck are you?

Was talking to Joven online just now and he's really down right now :(. Hope he cheers up soon... ^_^.

Anyway, I've been listening to Roxette's Vulnerable recently... Here're the lyrics...

Everywhere I look I see her smile
Her absent-minded eyes
And she has kept me wondering for so long
How this thing could go wrong.

It seems to me that we are both the same
Playing the same game
But as darkness falls this true love falls apart
Into a riddle of her heart.

She's so vulnerable, like china in my hands
She's so vulnerable and I don't understand
I could never hurt the one I love
She's all I've got
But she's so vulnerable
Oh so vulnerable.

Days like these no one should be alone
No heart should hide away
Her touch is gently conquering my mind
There's nothing words can say.

She's coloured all the secrets of my soul
I've whispered all my dreams
But just as nighttime falls this vision falls apart
Into a riddle of her heart, yea.

She's so vulnerable, like china in my hands
She's so vulnerable and I don't understand
I could never hurt someone I love
She's all I've got
But she's so vulnerable
Oh so vulnerable.

Don't hide your eyes...

Source: http://www.seeklyrics.com/lyrics/ROXETTE/Vulnerable.html

Alright, time to go. Good night everyone :). Teenage Mutant Ninja Bunny! Lol :P.

Edit: Title changed from KITATO to KITARO. Sorry. Thanks to Kelvin for noticing.

20041018

Euphoria

Lol. Was playing this game called "N" just now. It's a 2D game. But it's very fun :P. Download it here. Do play it ^_^.

Watched Inu Yasha episodes 166 and 167 just. The anime has finally ended, but the story hasn't :(. It'll be continued in the manga. Sigh :(. Nice show. I didn't realise how long the show has been running until the end. It's 4 years! Haha :P.

Ok, for some retarded reason I feel happy now, thus the title of this post. Anyway, any of you played any real fun games recently? I don't care how old the game is ^_^. Please let me know. I'm dying from boredom :(. Hope I can start working soon... If Acer doesn't call me I'm screwed :(.

Bah. Please get well soon, you know who you are :). Hope you get to read this soon ^_^.

20041017

Great Sleep. Maybe...

Thanks to Dian, I ended up sleeping at 7am or something :P. He went on playing Counter-Strike: Source, and whatnots, all the way till I woke up at 11.15am. Lol. I was supposed to meet Chin Ming, Roy, and Jin Yuan at 11am at Bedok Swimming Complex. To swim. Lol. So I quickly prepared and left sometime around 11.30am or something. Reached the swimming complex at 12pm... Left around 1.30pm. Basically that's it. Reached home around 2.30pm, and slept.

I dreamt of many things just now, some nice, some not. I know for sure the last dream, as far as I can remember, before I woke up, involved my ex-girlfriend. It felt so real. Anyway, Dian was supposedly at my house in that dream, and I was sleeping (in the dream). Then my handphone rang and it was my ex-girlfriend. Dian woke me up, passed the handphone to me, and my ex-girlfriend wished me good luck for the coming examinations. The next thing I know, I'm awake. Really weird... Come to think of it, she's probably having, or going to have, her examinations soon. Anyway, it was a good sleep nonetheless, save the last dream. Actually it's also sweet, just that it's over... Dreamt of some stuffs that I wished were real... :(.

Since I've time right now, just going to write something... There was this girl I knew back... She's impossible to understand. She cried when her hamster died, cried when she quarrelled with her friends, but she breaks guys' hearts like nothing :). Lol. She probably doesn't even feel a thing. Changes boyfriends like nothing too. Don't fucking... Call it love.

Guess that's it for now, take care people :). Will add more if I can :).

Damn it I think I just got someone into trouble by sms-ing too much :(. Sorry. Hope you have a good sleep, although you probably won't see this...

20041016

Eternal Dumbness

Went out with Maclean, Andrew, Jin Yuan, Roy, Gregory and Jessica today. Met them late, as usual. It's a hidden talent of mine to wake up late somehow. Even if I wake up early, I end up meeting people late. Even the cab doesn't help! Haha. Anyway, we played air hockey, and we were really violent. Actually I wasn't violent, but somehow I hit it hard enough for that damn thing to fly and hit an innocent girl on the head. Lol. I ended up apologising. Everyone who was involved had a good laugh. Well well. Girl, I've no idea what your name is, but if by some chance you see this, SORRY! Haha.

After that we watched White Chicks. Really funny movie. Had a good laugh. Basically that's it. No idea what else to type. I'll update or something when I feel like it. Take care people :).

Edit: Dian is even dumber. He's stuck at some bus-stop near his girlfriend's house, and has no cash to take a cab home. So I told him to take a cab to my house, and I'll pay for him. Lol, be thankful I sold my XBox :P. Waiting for his call now. Lol. DUMB FUCK :X.

Remembrance

I spent last night thinking through lots of stuff... Going through all the stuffs I can remember. It's interesting how much I've changed, and not changed. Things that were fun and stuff seem so boring now. Things that felt right now feels wrong. Haha. When you're young all you do is enjoy, without caring about the consequences. I'm still young, and I still do that at times I suppose. Just not as much as the past. Life is a paradox. Feels so long and boring at times, yet before you know it, 2 years have passed. And then it's too late to change anything. Too late for regrets.

I thought about what I really wanted in life, and why shit happens to me for no apparent reason at all. What exactly did I do wrong to deserve this crap, and what did I do right... Bla bla bla. I probably did lots of wrongdoings as a kid, some I shouldn't even tell anyone. Some of these can't even be forgiven. That's probably why I'm facing all these crap now. Yeah :). I do deserve them after all. Guess I got to stop whining and complaining. After that, it's my mistake. Just want to spend the rest of my life making up for all those mistakes... Make someone happy... Etc.

But then again I might not even deserve the right to do that. Yeah. Life rocks, I suck. Sometimes all I ever wanted to do was protect someone I like, or love if you want to put it that way, but all I ever do is end up irritating or hurting them. My parents all say I seem very cold from the outside, so cold that I'm unapproachable at times. Even my ex-girlfriend, and some of my friends say that. Haha. I don't feel any warmth in myself too. Bah. I try to care, be concerned, but all I ever do is irritate. Maybe this is a selfish world after all. Care only for yourself, no one else. Don't help unless asked. Is this the way to lead my life? This is selfish, and stupid...

And some of you are probably thinking I'm crapping, suit yourself.

Was reading the Bleach manga yesterday, when I saw this saying.

Unless I grip the sword, I cannot protect you.
While holding the sword, I cannot embrace you.


How true and meaningful... :)

Anyway, finally sold my XBox, and bought another 20kg of weights (4 x 5kg), and a pair of ankle weights, each weighing 2.27kg. Bought it at Parkway Parade with Tiong Guan. Still left with enough money to survive, and hopefully get someone something... I still have to by a 5ft barbell, and a pull-up bar. Sigh, that would set me back another 60 to 80 dollars. Bah. I've no life anyway, might as well start working out more... Too skinny :(. Need a job soon. Wonder how's everyone else doing... I feel so disconnected from this world. Solipsism, eh...? Haha. Everything's an illusion? I wish. Not.

Here I am drinking my troubles away
There you are kissing your new boyfriend
How am I going to pass another day
When I can't even begin to comprehend

Crappy writing from me, once again. Boredom is a dangerous feeling. Causes the mind to wander off and think of unnecessary stuff. Ignoring the important things, and focusing on the minor things in life. Yeah, I'm bored.

Before I forget, just want to post about a REALLY RETARDED friend of Roy. I didn't hear about it until today, but from what I've gathered, their conversation went something like...

Retarded Friend: Hey you should come to City Harvest Church with me...?

Roy: Why?

Retarded Friend: You don't believe in God, and I can sense the darkness in you.


Come on, I respect all religions, but telling someone he has darkness in him is absolute bullshit. I believe that evil stuffs and etc. exist, but you're saying you've NO DARKNESS in you? Roy must have suffered a lot, after being insulted by you. Lol. Sorry to all the truly devoted Christians out there, no offense :).

Lastly, I saw this really cute girl wearing a gray shirt on 38 today. Even Tiong Guan said she is cute. She's really cute. She sat at the last row, with her friend. I was standing initially, but there was enough space later on at the last row for me. So I went to sit, carrying 10kg of weights in one hand, and wearing the ankle weights. I was worried about hitting others, so I tried to be cautious and stuff. Anyway, the moment I sat down, both the girls went all the way to the other end of the seat. Am I that unfriendly? :( Bah. By the way, the other 10kg of weights were with Tiong Guan, and he got a sit before I did. To end this really long and redundant paragraph, I'm trying to tell you all that girl was really sweet. She even smiled at a baby. Sweet face!

Last but not least, I was wondering what my arm would look like with a tattoo on. So I got this font which is actually a collection of tattoo designs, and this is what I got.



Lol. Looks nice? Alright, enough shit from me. Take care and stay well everyone :).

20041015

I'm Really Bored

Damn... Been doing nothing but sleeping this week. Haven't been working out as much as I would like to. Night becomes day, and day becomes night. Lol. Sleeping at all the wrong times... Haha. Vampire, right? :P HEHE.

I got Counter-Strike: Source recently, and have been playing it on my really crappy Radeon 9000 Pro :(. Thankfully, the rest of my system are good enough to sustain playable frame rates, but it's at really low resolutions... Anyway, I'm selling away my completely unopened XBox for 200 or so dollars, and was planning to buy more weights with the money. Then the idea of using the money to buy either a Radeon 9500 Pro, or a 9600 Pro came into my mind. But Tiong Guan played the game on his 9600 Pro and he says he doesn't exactly get good framerates too. Sigh :(. Should I buy weights, or get a new graphics card? /me ponders...

Anyway, I spent last night updating the BIOS and drivers and stuff in my computer. Flashed my BIOS to the latest one (ABit NF7 Revision 1.2), and I got a shock. The stupid diskette I used was spoilt somehow, and luckily, it happened just before the "flashing" began. So I got a new diskette, and managed to update it in the end :D. If that diskette were to spoil while updating the BIOS, I would have to go down to Sim Lim today or something... Phew! Updated my nForce drivers, and Radeon drivers too. Damn, I still can't run my computer at 200FSB, wondering if it's due to the memory or the graphics card. I changed both of these at the same time, and before that I was running at 220FSB. Since then, I can only run at 166FSB :(. Anything above that SEEMS to work fine, until I load some games. It'll then hang, for sure :(. Anyway, it's been a long time since I actually bothered about my computer, so last night was sort of fun.

I think I seriously got to start working soon, running really short of cash... :(. I think I'll get my examination results next week... Wish me and my friends good luck, or you'll fail yours :P. Lol ^_^.

Hope Gregory's doing fine too. Although he usually take things lightly, I'm sure this is hard on him too :(. The phucktards will be there for you dude. I mean, the CENT people :D. Cheer up!

20041014

No Idea...

Gregory seems fine just now, glad to see that :). Cheer up man! Anyway, we went to a nearby coffeeshop to have our dinner after that. I only ate some toasted bread though. After that, Maclean left us to find his friends, while the rest of us went to the bowling alley at East Coast Park. I forgot the name -_-. Roy and Nicholas played against each other, while the rest of us watched them. Nicholas is good ^_^. Anyway, after that Nicholas played some games with his friends, while me, Roy and Jin Yuan played pool for free, thanks to Nicholas :P. He joined us later, and we played 9-ball. Anyway, I suck :(. After that, we went home =\. I heard "Bizarre Love Triangle" over the radio just now. The original singer is Frente!, but it was sang by some guy when I heard it. The lyrics:

Every time I think of you
I get a shot right through into a bolt of blue
It’s no problem of mine but it’s a problem I find
Living a life that I can’t leave behind
There’s no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won’t set you free
But that’s the way that it goes
And it’s what nobody knows
And every day my confusion grows
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I’m waiting for that final moment
You’ll say the words that I can’t say

I feel fine and I feel good
I feel like I never should
Whenever I get this way, I just don’t know what to say
Why can’t we be ourselves like we were yesterday
I’m not sure what this could mean
I don’t think you’re what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then we’d never see just what we’re meant to be
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I’m waiting for that final moment
You’ll say the words that I can’t say


Source: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/

I guess that's all... Lazy to type anymore. It's a nice song :).

20041013

Wednesday

Well, it's just another day of the week. Meeting Maclean and the rest later to go to Gregory's uncle's wake :(. Hope Gregory's fine. Sigh, don't know what to post for now. Hope someone gets her computer fixed soon :P.

20041012

Peace

Sorry I haven't been bloggin for the past few days. Anyway, it's 2.35am, Tuesday right now. Let's backtrack...

Starting from Sunday...
Woke up around 2pm or something. Too late to meet the CENT people already. They were at Toa Payoh as Larry, Roy and Tiffany all had their Taekwondo grading. Anyway, good luck :). Stayed at home till around 5.30pm, then I left house to meet Larry, who passed the GNC membership card to me. Roy was supposed to give it to me but he was lazy :P. Larry waited for me for like 20 minutes =\. Sorry! Then I met my father and sister, and we went to Loyang Tua Pei Gong to pray. Sorry about the Hanyu Pinyin. My father also gave me his "Fo Pai". Anyway, after that I went home, had dinner, and then I went to Boon Tiong's house. My mother was still sick :(. She insisted on doing housework and I nearly lost my temper at her. Damn it. You need a good rest. Let me do something for once. In the end, she went to sleep again, and I waited till 10pm or so before going to Boon Tiong's house.

Kelvin, Hong Wen, Boon Tiong, together with Boon Tiong's girlfriend and her family, and Boon Tiong's own family were all there when I reached. What a crowd. I bought the NutriSoy twin-pack before going, and I was left with 1 and 1/4 carton or so when I reached. Ended up I "tio suan" by all of them, for bringing NUTRISOY, when all of them are drinking either Tiger Beer or Guinness Stout. Anyway, I drank with them too, and even drank Guinness Stout mixed with NutriSoy with Boon Tiong's mother. Lol. It was a fun night, and it got better when my sister sms-ed me to tell me my mother's getting better. We all slept sometime around 3am I think, can't really remember. I wanted to wake up at 5am to go home and wake my sister up and stuff, but I ended up waking up at 7am. Gave my mother a call, and she said she's better now. I told her to rest at home but she insisted on working. Argh. She went to work, only to come home after getting a jab from the doctor at her workplace. THEN SHE WENT TO WORK AGAIN. Damn. Thankfully, by the time she came home again, around 7pm, she was alright.

Anyway, I had lunch around 2pm or so, with Boon Tiong's mother treating us. Nice duck rice :D. Kelvin and Hong Wen left after that, leaving only me, Boon Tiong, his brother, and mother. I went back to his house, and his mother made a "Fu" for me. Thanks =). I left Boon Tiong's house around 4pm or so. Bought some Toto numbers together, and only one number came out -_-. System 8 somemore. Damn. 14 dollars gone. Lol.

Anyway, thanks to Tiong Guan too. I called him around 5pm asking for some blank CDs, and he took the trouble to walk to my house and give it to me. I was too lazy to walk, and had flu thanks to Boon Tiong :X. Had dinner with Tiong Guan after that, went home, spent some time online, before taking a nap. Woke up around an hour ago, still having the flu now. Hm... To someone who's having some headache or something, do get well soon :).

So, to sum it up, the weekend was one of the best I've had in a long long time. Other than the flu. Haha :P. I also hope my mother fully recovers soon, and that someone's headache will be gone soon :P.

Before I forget, on Saturday, while out with the CENT people, the King Kong who got my number was actually thick-skinned enough to sms and ask me... "Hey that time you looking at me?" Fuck. I simply replied no. She went on to make up some excuse, saying her friend told her that. What the hell? If I'm going to look at a girl, I'm going to look at someone sweet. Not some wannabe "ah lian". Anyway, she got really irritating when she started saying stuff like "My friend says it's either you or your friends who looked at me." To my friends, if ANY OF YOU LOOKED AT HER, YOU AREN'T MY FRIEND. Alright, I should stop being so insulting, but people nowadays... You ask for someone's number, then you blame it on him/her because he/her supposedly looked at you first? If you've the guts to do it, have the guts to be truthful. On another note, to those who are bored enough and want to know what else happened on Saturday while out with the CENT people, check out Nicholas', Maclean's and Roy's blog. I'm too lazy to type anymore :P.

20041010

Yesterday

Yesterday was a fun day, went out with the CENT people and had loads of fun. Lol :D. Me and Andrew were the Air Hockey champions, until Gregory decided to help the other teams cheat :(. Lol :p. Anyway, I went to meet my father after that, and visit my auntie at the same time. She's now back in Hong Kong working :(. Anyway, talked to both of them about lots of stuff. Haha :). As usual, I talked to my father about love stuff and crap. He said that most people just want to get into relationships because they're curious and stuff. I think I sort of agree with that. Bah. Whatever. Just for your own need to satisfy your curiosity you end up hurting many others, and then you complain that love hurts? Lol. Amusing :). Instead of being faithful to just one person, you treat people like options, like a game. Choose the best among them. The richest, the most handsome, the prettiest, or the sexiest? I wish people like this will end up with each other, so those that are innocent won't be involved in their stupid games. Their curiosity. I'm curious too, can I fuck you? Haha.

On another note, my mother's sick now... :(. I hope she gets well soon. Sigh...

20041009

98 Degrees - You Don't Know

Verse
Who could know the emptiness inside
Every time I see your face
Too many feelings left behind
Do you wonder why
I turn away when you look at me
Never wanting your eyes to see
This desperate heart that knows
How perfect we could be

Chorus
Baby, 'cause you don't know how I feel
Livin' my life without you
Baby, and you don't know what it's like
Lovin' you all this time
I'll give you all my love, heart and soul
Riskin' it all on a chance
Now when I need you the most
You don't know

Verse
All I ever wanted in this world
Baby, I found in you
I never felt this way before
But I can't break through
And now I lie awake, alone at night
So afraid now to close my eyes
Just one more dream of you
I'll carry here inside

Chorus

Bridge
And I would hold you all through the night
I would stay right by your side
And I'd give you the world if your love was mine
But, baby, could it be I'm only dreamin'
Don't let it pass me by

Chorus

Source: http://www.sing365.com/


Nice lyrics.

Finally It's Over

Alright, the examination period is finally OVER. Over. Over. Now it's time for some slacking, before I start working. OADES was ok, especially when the Section B was so damn similar to the project. And it's open book, and I had my project report with me :). So I basically copied the thing down ^_^. Anyway, most of the CENT gang had my project report too, and most of them said it helped them. Glad I did something useful :).

Anyway, we played soccer after the paper, and the sun was really burning us. Before the game even started I was already sweating. Lol. Played for an hour or so, then we went to have lunch at Short Circuit. Some of them went to the CENT room though. After that, we went to the arcade in Century Square... AGAIN. Lol. And I made this one stupid screwed up completely retarded mistake. Andrew and the rest were racing why I was waiting for my turn. Then this two girls came to me. One of them started talking to me, in a not exactly polite manner. I heard her asking "Mind if we join you for the game?" So I replied "Ya sure." Then she took out her handphone, and passed it to me. I was like, "Huh?" She replied, "Your number?" Only then did I realised they wanted my number from the start, I heard wrongly. Since I already said yes I can't go back on my words, so ended up giving them. Sigh. Their attitude was rather shitty, and I don't even want to comment on their looks. Anyway, Gregory later told me they're always talking big, saying stuff like "Let's call XYZ down and settle ABC business." loudly in Hokkien. Damn it. HAHAHA. One of them is so short and small-sized I could've walked into her without realising it... The other one, er... King Kong. Alright, that's as far as I'm going :p.

I left the arcade after an hour or so to find Maclean and some others. They were sitting around and talking, while I fell asleep -_-. Anyway, woke up with a headache :(. Went to KFC after that, and I only had a drink. Larry lent me money for it. Lol. I'm completely broke after 5 days of arcade-ing. Went home after that, fell asleep, and woke up with a headache. And here I am now :P.

Anyway, was on the phone with my father just now, talking about some stuffs. My mother and him are finally on talking terms. And my father even invited my mother over his house for lunch, together with us, one of these days. No idea if my mother's going to go though. Also talked to him about myself, and he told me this "Don't play others, nor let others play you." in Chinese. Haha. Talked about other stuffs which I am too lazy to post about.

All these while I've been walking forward while looking at the past every single day. I'm walking backwards, towards the future, holding on to the past. All these, just to remember you. Just for the memories. No. All these, to remind myself what a fool I was. Eternity doesn't exist, that's why we should treasure relationships. But I was dumb enough to believe in eternity, just like you did. And we ended up not treasuring each other, and everything fell apart, just like us. Just like you. Just like me. Falling apart.

All these while... Why?

Are you sad? No, there's nothing to be sad about.

Then are you happy? No, nothing to be happy about either.

Then? No idea.


I'm tired of seeing your mask, take it off and show me the real you.

I'm simply a product of this society, just like you are.

Alright, enough crap from me. Take care :). Oh ya, today I was leaving school when I saw an old friend. Talked to him and he simply ignored me and talked to someone else :). How nice of you dude.

20041008

Last Paper...

OADES... And it's over. Then I'm going to relax... Do nothing... Maybe I need to get a life. Anyway, hope everything goes well for the rest of the CENT people... :).

Unright
I keep telling myself I'm alright
Things are going to turn out right
But I can't deny this feeling
Every night as I face the ceiling

Will I be alone for the rest of my life?
If so, I'd rather end it with a penknife
Cut my wrist, watch the blood flow
Leave this world, enjoy the life below

I don't know when I'll lose it all
No idea when I'll start to fall
When I do and no one's there
I'll end my life with a silent prayer
-YC, 8th October 2004

Just wrote it. Going to sleep soon. Take care people :).

20041007

Random Song Lyrics

Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye
What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I've made mistakes, I'm just a man

When he holds you close, when he pulls you near
When he says the words you've been needing to hear
I'll wish I was him 'cause those words are mine
To say to you till the end of time

Bon Jovi - Always
Source: http://www.lyrics007.com/

2-I step off the train
I'm walking down your street again
And past your door, but you don't live there anymore
It's years since you've been there
Now you've disappeared somewhere, like outer space
You've found some better place

1-And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain

Could you be dead?
You always were two steps ahead, of everyone
We'd walk behind while you would run
I look up at your house
And I can almost hear you shout down to me
where I always used to be
(repeat 1)

Back on the train, I ask why did I come again?
Can I confess, I've been hanging round your old address?
And the years have proved
to offer, nothing since you've moved
You're long gone, but I can't move on
(rpt 1, 2, 1...)

Everything But The Girl - Missing
Source: http://www.lyricsdepot.com/

The beauty spot was borrowed and
Now my sweet knife rusts tomorrow .
I'm a confession that is waiting to be heard.
Burn your empty rain down on me
Whisper your deathbeat so softly
We bend our knees
At the altar of my ego
You drained my heart
And made a spade
But there's still traces of me
in your veins
You drained my heart
And made a spade
But there's still traces of me
in your veins
All my lilies' mouths are open
Like they're begging for dope
And hoping
Their bitter petal chant,
"We can kick , you won't be back."
I'm a diamond that is tired
Of all the faces I've acquired
We must secure the shadow
Ere the substance fades
You drained my heart
And made a spade
But there's still traces of me
in your veins
You drained my heart
And made a spade
But there's still traces of me
in your veins
And we said 'til we die
And we said 'til we die
Marilyn Manson - Spade
Source: http://www.mansonusa.com/

Hellbound

Eminem - Hellbound

[Announcer]
Welcome back, to the stage of history

[Eminem]
Yo.. Slim Shady!
Yo.. {*words reversed*}
I'll puke, eat it, and freak you (eww)
Battle? I'm too weeded to speak to
The only key that I see to defeat you
would be for me to remove these two Adidas and beat you
and force feed you 'em both, and on each feet is a cleat shoe
I'll lift you off your feet so fast with a roundhouse
you'll think I pulled the fuckin ground out from underneath you
(Bitch!) I ain't no fuckin G, I'm a cannibal
I ain't tryin to shoot you,
I'm tryin to chop you into pieces and eat you
Wrap you in rope and plastic, stab you with broken glass
and have you with open gashes strapped to a soakin mattress
Coke and acid, black magic, cloaks and daggers (ahhh!)
Fuck the planet, until it spins on a broken axis
I'm so bananas I'm showin up to your open casket
to fill it full of explosive gasses
and close it back with a lit match in it
while I sit back and just hope it catches
Blow you to fragments
Laugh, roll you and smoke the ashes

Chorus: J-Black (repeat 2X)

I see the light at the end
But every time I take a step, it gets dim
Tell me is this hell we're livin in?
If so, heaven's got to be better
But if we're hellbound, whatever, let's go down

[J-Black]
Am I the worst? Because I, never go to church (never)
I run a red light then sideswipe a hearse
I'ma drink 'til my liver rot, see the doc
Leave the E.R., then hit a bar for a liquor shot, 'til the liverspot
One day we all gon' die
But when I die, I'ma be so high
that I'ma get up and walk, leavin the concrete bare
with the chalk outline still there
I smoke 'til I choke and I sex a lot
I got a cross on my chain but it's just a rock
Now if I pray everynight (night)
Do I still have to hold my trey very tight?
You feel me God? I done did so much shit while on Earth
I smoke, I drink, I curse, and to make matters worse
I bust my gun first, and then I chat with your corpse
Since way back, I was one to never like back-talk
See me at the pearly gates in line, wearin a Nordface
Nickle nine at my waist, God done lost faith
Angels greet me but I don't reply back
Just show me to my quarters, and oh yeah, where's Thai at?

Chorus 1/2

[Announcer]
Maxie was seriously wounded but the soul still burns
Final battle, fight!

[Masta Ace]
Analyze the strength of my game, like Lee Corso
Call me a lost soul, with a vest and my torso
And of course, yo, y'all know I'm no stranger to danger
Like Christ in a manger, feel a whole range of my anger
I breathe down shit so hard you can see sound
And beat down these rap clowns in like three rounds
My pen 'bout as sharp as a dagger, walk with a swagger
Tie your wife to the back of a black Jag and I drag her
Ten blocks, untie the bitch and I still bag her
Give her a smack in the ass and a six pack of lager
My shit go as deep and as dark as a train tunnel
My flows spill like usin the wrong end of a funnel
Everyday I grow more older, and more colder
Fly you to Colorado, roll you over with a Boulder
I know you want to retaliate but you won't dare
Cause you fuckin with some niggaz like this who just don't care

Chorus

[J-Black]
But every time I take a step, it gets dim..
Tell me is this hell we're livin in?
Haha..

[Announcer]
Time's up!
You lose!

Source: http://eminem.lyrics-songs.com/lyrics/12736/

I especially like the parts "One day we all gon' die, But when I die, I'ma be so high" and "Everyday I grow more older, and more colder". Kind of reminds me of myself. Alright, time to study. I just woke up :P.

20041006

2 Papers To Go

Today's PCOMSYS was alright, hopefully I can do well. Good luck to all of you! =] Anyway, I walked home from TP just now. Yay. Alright, got to sleep soon. Waking up in 2 hours or so to study for MAP =\. Untouched. Damn. Bye take care!

=\

My image host and stuff seems to be down right now :(. Sorry about it.

Anyway, the ELNDES paper was alright... but the EMATH3 paper was a killer. I should be able to pass it though, hopefully... :(. Most of my friends were demoralised after that paper, so we all went to play Outrun 2 together. Haha. I really hope they pass it too ^_^. All the best! Anyway, PCOMSYS' at 2pm later, and I haven't even started. Just woke up around an hour ago. Sigh... Another late night :(. Hope Dian finds his 3D Studio Max too =\. Sorry can't really help you this time round... :(.

Argh. Just want to get over the examinations as soon as possible... Alright, I got to go now, take care people. All the best :).

20041005

Random Stuff

I wrote the following while taking a break from studying. Sorry if it sucks.

In Pain, For You
It burns right through my heart
But I keep on smiling, keep on faking
So you won't find anything amiss
All of this pain, just for you

But you don't realise a thing
And I go on lying, go on denying
So you won't find anything awkard
All this facade, just so we can be friends

When I finally try to be honest
And I tell you the truth, my feelings
So you can finally understand everything
You laugh it away, just like a joke

So I go on smiling, go on faking
Keep on lying, keep on denying
So you can go on laughing
Please continue smiling...

In pain... For you.

Smiling, For You
Thus you went on smiling, went on laughing
And I'm really happy for you, I really am
But you don't even care, don't even realise
How much you mean to me, how much I care

The next thing I know, you got attached
To someone I can't even hold a candle to
And you still don't care, still don't realise
How much I cared for you, how much you meant

But I tell myself it's all worth it
Everything's worth it if I can see you smile
So I started smiling, stopped worrying
For you're now with the man of your dreams

And I know that your smile isn't for me
But do you know as I smiled, I cried
Deep in my heart, the burning continues
It'll never end, as long as I love you

Smiling... For you.

Crying, For You
Or so I thought, but then he left you
You were heartbroken, devastated
And all I could do was give you my shoulder
Watched you cry, collect your tears

You're but an empty shell now
A shadow of your former self
And I can't do anything at all
Nothing will ever bring you back

You wander around day and night
Hoping you'll find the light
But you've already lost your sight
For love is blind, am I not right?

And I still can't be with you
Nor the shadow of your former self
And I can't bring you back anymore
I'm just like you, seeking the light

...

Screwed

Damn it. My Math is now at 95% status, with a little bit of Chapter 5 left, and Chapter 6. I'm not touching Chapter 7, since it'll probably come out only in Section C, where we can choose which questions we want to do. But the f*cking thing is I haven't even started on ELNDES. Haven't started at all. And my paper's at 9am, and it's close to 1.30am now. Hooray for me. Damn it. My heart is always messing up my mind. Argh. I'm going to study now. REALLY study. I need luck, lots of it man. Seriously.

20041004

Helpful Lady

Alright, today I managed to study most of Math. Should be aronud 90% already. ELNDES is still untouched though. Planning to sleep around 4 or 5am today. After studying just now, we went to eat, and Rayhan, Andrew and me went on to play Outrun 2. We played 3 rounds, or was it 4? Anyway it was fun :). By the way...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAYHAN.

Anyway, I took the MRT home, instead of the usual bus number 38 because I wanted to get home asap... Ended up I reached home later :P. But it was for a good cause though. Hehe. This small little boy ran into the MRT without his mother, and the door closed before his mother could get in. Anyway, I was quite unhelpful too... I didn't even approach him or anything, and by the time I stood up, an auntie had already got to him. She was a really kind lady. Anyway, I only helped when she and the small kid got down at Simei... I told her I live in Simei, and that she can go back onto the MRT, while I accompany that small boy. Anyway, the door closed before she could go back in. Long story short, that small boy was brave, he didn't even cry :). And that auntie was really kind-hearted... :). And I'm a bastard because I had trouble trying to help... The MRT uncle who's usually at the control station was really helpful too. Anyway, good to see them reunited ^_^. Alright, got to study in a while. Take care people.

... Regarding The Post Below

It was written by me a long time ago, and parts of it are fictional too, after some editing. I don't know anyone called Alice, neither do I know a Tom. It doesn't even reflect what I'm feeling currently. That's all. Bye, going to school now. Take care, have a nice day :).

Day of Breakup

Just some stupid stuff...

Dear Diary,
Right now I'm sitting here waiting for my girlfriend to call. We might be breaking up soon. I don't know what happened at all. I just found out, while surfing Friendster, that for the past few weeks, my girlfriend has been in contact with one of her ex-tuition friends, Tom. I was shocked when I saw the testimonials they wrote for each other. I want to bring myself to hate them, but I can't. Alice has always been a good girl to me, a good girlfriend, the best I've ever seen. Almost... Like a fairy tale. She just called and told me her decision is to break up. I don't know what to do right now. She said she'll explain everything to me later, her mother's around right now. I found out about this Tom just 3 hours ago. Now we're on the verge of breaking up. She says she still loves me, but she also likes Tom. She's not sure if her feelings for me are as strong as last time. Sometimes, maybe ignorance is bliss.

She's a wonderful girl, I really don't know what I can do without her. When I was hurt by another girl in the past, she was the one that stood by me, as a friend, supported me, and brought me back up. I have never been a good boyfriend to her, always throwing my temper at her. However, I really have been trying to change for the past few months. Is it too late?

I always thought of my friends making a big fuss out of nothing when they broke up with their girlfriends. I've seen some of them change, from good to bad, bad to worse. Others lock themselves up permanently, while some keep on whining and hating that girl. I always thought of them as weak, as incapable of standing alone. Only now do I know how wrong I was. As I type this, I'm trembling. I'm scared. Scared of facing everything right now. Please, dear diary, please pray for me that I'll still be with her.
- October 03, 2004

Dear Diary,
If she really loves me, why did she have to ask him to tell her he hates her? How can she forget to sms me right after that?

I got to meet her yesterday, and by that time she's very sure that she still wants to be with me. Initially I thought, "If she still wants to be together, we'll surely be together, and I'll be able to let go of all this pain." However, what really happened, isn't even close to this. I still want to be with her. In my mind, she's still the sweet girl I believe she is, always smiling. However, am I fooling myself? Is this... The truth? What is the truth? The truth is whatever I believe in, right? So even if she's not the girl she was, due to my own ignorance, she'll still be. I'm scared. What if I'm wrong?

To be honest, after yesterday, I realised a lot of things. She doesn't really seem to be affected. I want to believe, that deep down inside, she's crying. She has always been like this, always hiding her sadness, trying to smile. But Shuxy, do you know how much it hurts? It hurts like hell because I don't know what's really on her mind. It hurts like hell because I'm afraid what I believe in might be wrong. What if, it really doesn't affect her? What should I do? I can smile right now, but what I'm really feeling right now is fear, uncertainty, and doubt. I don't doubt her, I doubt my judgement. I can't afford to doubt her and let go of her. After all, she was the one that supported me when I was having one of the worst times of my life.

I just talked to her on the phone just now, around 9.15am. It's 10.20am right now. I really don't know what to say, how to go on. I only know that I still want to be with her. I sound like a real weakling, don't I? I don't understand this myself. Many a times, I have let go of unneeded people, "friends". But when it comes to Alice, I can't even imagine a day without her. Is this what they call love? Anyway, as I was saying, we talked through quite a lot of things just now, and things seem to be going smoothly. I also asked her if she's sure she's not denying her feelings for the other guy. She said no. However, she went on to say she'll answer me after she goes cycling with her sister. I don't know if I was denying myself, but I lied to myself, that she'll be answering the rest of the questions, and not THIS question. I even told her something like, "You still not sure of your feelings, or?" Before she could answer, I already told her, "You're answering the rest of the questions right? You're already sure that you don't like him right?" She said yes, but if you were me, will you really believe it? When I talk to her, I try my best to smile, but deep down inside... Am I really smiling? I don't know. It's been a long time since I've been this shattered. Even now I don't know what to say to you. Maybe I lost myself a long time ago, maybe my heart died, and it's becoming alive only now. Is this world... Really a domain of pain?

She just called, it's 10.29am here. She's leaving house soon, to go to East Coast Park and cycle with her sister. Deep inside me, I really wonder, if she really... Still cares. Does she seriously have the mood to go cycling after all that's happened? Has she really shut herself so deep inside, that she doesn't know what she wants anymore? Or maybe it really doesn't affect her. I don't know. I don't know the answer. Anyway, before I started typing this whole chunk of thoughts, I went to Friendster again. I saw the testimonials she wrote for him, and those he wrote for her. Even her testimonial for me isn't 1/2 as long as the one she wrote for him. It hurts. I know I sound petty, and weak, but it hurts like hell. It was the hurt that lead me to write this entry.

Back to yesterday, when I first found out on how she's been "cheating" on me. I lost my temper at her numerous times. I cried for the first time in god knows how long. I've only cried when it comes to my parents before. Back then, even when Katey treated me that way, I didn't cry. But when my parents divorced, I broke down. It sounds so dumb right now. Someone soon to be 18, complaining about crying. I know, no matter how strong or how cold I look, deep inside I'm just looking for a place to belong. I'm thinking right now, maybe I should send her this file, and let her read for herself. It might sound stupid, like I'm scheming some plan, but I'm not. I just don't know how to tell her all these. That's why you exist, dear diary. I used to write diaries when I was younger, but I lost all of them. I wish I still have them, maybe it'll make me remember how I was in the past. The only "diary" I still have is another one I wrote during my secondary school years. When I read it now, I feel like laughing at my foolish old self. Haha. I wonder if she's stumbled across it on my computer before. Right now I'm so numb, so dead. What am I supposed to feel? I don't know. Maybe death is really an option. If I have the guts to jump off the 12th floor or something, I'd probably have done it a long time ago. Right now I'm thinking of writing a poem. Let's try...

This pain inside, with you beside
what am I to do? What am I to feel?

I don't know how to write on. Maybe I'll continue it later. Sometimes I think I died a long time ago. I feel so fake sometimes. Like an empty shell without a heart, without a soul. Maybe I really should just fill myself up with hate. Maybe... When I die, will my friends and family, and her, remember me for all the things I've done? I don't know if there's a hell. Because right now, I think, this pain belongs to hell. This pain that's caused, not just by her, but accumulated throughout the years, by the people around me, by the people I hate and love.

I just thought of something to write. Something I can't tell anyone but her, and you. Or any other non-living thing. When I first got to know Alice, she was a good girl. Nice girl. I was afraid of her changing, so I restricted her. I didn't like it when she goes out with her friends, when she talks to other guys. However, somehow, I ended up becoming the one I feared. The one who changed her. She became scared of me. Scared of me losing my temper, scared of us quarrelling. But do you know, sometimes I really wonder? When she closes her eyes and think of me, what... does she see? My smiling face? Or my face filled with anger. I really wonder. But dear diary, what's worse was that I was the one that sparked the sexual desires in her. I've talked to her a lot of times, apologizing each time, but she always says, "It's not your fault. I also wanted to do those stuffs." But she doesn't realise, if I didn't spark them, she wouldn't have them. I corrupted her. Maybe, this pain right now, is the retribution I deserve. No, maybe it's not enough to make up for it. I probably deserve more. More hurt and pain.

I think I'll stop here for now. I don't know what else to write already.
-October 03, 2004, 10.46am

Dear Diary,
Here I am again. I just called her. She's taking a rest from cycling with her younger brother right now. I'm wondering why she didn't sms me while resting. Am I even on her mind? I know I'm selfish, but she used to do that? Can you understand? She even said not to call her too often, because of her handphone bills. I really wonder. During the time she sms-ed Tom, why did she not care about her handphone bills? Diary, please tell me what to do. Sigh. Is everything... Really over? I can't share this pain with anyone. My parents, they'll surely say break up. Or something not encouraging. My friends, I wonder if I have any. Those people I regard as friends are always gone when I need them the most. Haha. Alone. I don't know what to say now. Anyway, I sent you to her just now, with the first two entries. I think this is the easiest way I can let her know what I really feel. Maybe I'll abandon my feelings soon, is it possible? Is it possible for a human to throw away happiness, sadness, and everything else? What will I become? Can I really forget the person I care about the most? Sometimes I wish I can. Then again, wishes never come true. Back then, when I wished and prayed every night for my parents not to divorce, it didn't come true. This time round, it won't come true again. Just now I suddenly thought of the song "Cruel" by Human Nature. It really hurts to even listen to this song.

Did you know that I was so afraid of losing her a few days before I found out all this shit? I was afraid I can't meet her anymore, once school starts. I also played a song she liked repeatedly, for one whole day, even while I'm sleeping. It's "I Wanna Be with You" by Jill Hsu. To be honest, I didn't really listen to it when I first downloaded it. But what's the use? Before I went on Friendster that night, I even tried to download two BoA videos for her. Till now, it's still stuck at 0%. Will... My relationship with Alice be stuck like this too? Diary, I really feel like shouting out. I don't know. I think I understand now, why some people are playboys and playgirls. Maybe it's more fun that way. But what's the point of playing around? I know this isn't what I really want.

What do I really feel? I can laugh, smile, and joke all the time. But to be honest, I really don't feel happiness most of the time. Maybe this is what they call fate. I think I'm fated to carry on living with sadness all the time. When Alice first came into my life, well, that was really nice. Happiness... Is a good feeling. When you smile you actually do it without realising. Maybe for that very reason, I started showing my temper to Alice. Because I can't put on a facade when it's her. Sometimes I think I still do, but most of the time, I'm defenseless when it comes to her. Haha.

Dear Diary, she just sms-ed me. She's leaving East Coast Park now and going to McDonald's to eat. I asked if she cared about her handphone bills when it was Tom. She said she did. She also said that her dad told her that her handphone will be confiscated if her phone bills are too much again. She said it happened a few days ago. Why wasn't I told...? Tell me how I can believe that? I don't want to hurt her, but I have to know the answers, right?
-October 03, 2004, 3.47pm

Dear Diary,
I'm back. She told me not to reply just now, and I asked her why. She didn't reply, until I asked "You there?". She replied saying she's scared we will quarrel. Diary, am I such a monster? Is it really over now...?
-October 03, 2004, 3.51pm

End.

20041003

+

I should start being more positive I guess.

-

Woke up around 1pm today, and reached school somewhere around 3pm. Kelvin came along, and Andrew, Rayhan, and Gregory were all there by the time we reached. Didn't really study. Just can't. Managed to understand most of Chapter 5, but I'm too lazy to practice anything at all. Did like 3 questions and gave up doing the rest.
I'm seriously a failure in life. Complete lack of looks and character.
Sleep is so much better, with the exception of nightmares. Even if I've sweet dreams of being with people I shouldn't be thinking of or anything, it feels so peaceful, at least, in the dream. Of course, when you wake up, the ache is there, but who gives a damn? Most of us are already in pain everyday, a little more doesn't matter. Anyway, I'm going to school tomorrow again, to finish up Math, and start on ELNDES. I'm having both of them on Tuesday, and I haven't even touched ELNDES. Good luck to me man. I'll need lots of it.
Just someone to care for and love...
I'm going to be throwing away my life if I go on this way... Sigh. Damn it I NEED the DL no matter what... Otherwise I've no idea what the hell I'm living for. No idea at all. A simple dream that wouldn't come true.

Sar Tur They

It was a rather productive day, considering I managed to finished up most of Chapter 4. Anyway, had some fun in the library as well. Hmm... Kelvin came my house around 11.30pm or so, and we talked and stuff, and worked out, and we're either going to sleep, or study later. Probably sleep, and wake up earlier tomorrow to study. It depends... :). Life isn't exactly being good to both of us right now. Fuck. Why are all my friends in shit trouble...? Kelvin, Joven... The CENT people... Etc. Sigh...
Tonight I celebrate alone...
I think I had a dream yesterday, and in that dream I wrote a poem about a girl who didn't get any respect from her boyfriend. I can't remember what were the exact words, but I am pretty sure it was a rather nice poem... Something like...
Just once more...
You never really did respect me
All you ever wanted was my body
Gave you oral...
But some things aren't meant to be...
I can't remember. Damn it. Anyway, I've no idea why I have such a dream... But the girl in my dream was clearly suffering though :(. I don't know what the hell I'm living for anymore... I should think about it after the examinations. Probably...
Maybe I should walk a path of darkness...
Currently listening to Hotel California reversed with Kelvin. Lol... Interesting, yet freaky. Anyway, try pronouncing your name in the reversed way, record it. And reverse it and play. For example...
Why should I even care?
Kelvin will become Nivlek. So you say "Nivlek", record it, and then using sound recorder or something, reverse and play it. It'll play back Kelvin... Weird. I didn't know this till Rayhan told me. Guess I'm an idiot :(. Lol.
I hate my heart... Useless and weak.
Alright, I guess I got to go... This life is meaningless.

20041002

New Music

As you can hear for yourself, I've changed the music. The start/stop music flash also fits in more with the site now :). Hope you like it :). Anyway, it's "Es Dur No Piano Sen" by Yoshiki, if I'm not wrong :).

... ...

I'm going to school soon, have to really study this time. Examinations start on Tuesday, and it's Saturday now... So yeah... :(.

All the best to everyone having their examinations... =]

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up
Till I close my eyes
She's everywhere I go
She's all I want

Rick Price's "Heaven Knows". Nice song.

Luna Sea - I For You (English Translation)
You know, it's said that in reality
No one is able to love
When I met that frightened you
I finally understood that meaning
Because we've hurt each other, if we were to meet now
It would be too sad
I want to tell you, from my heart
Surely, if you could only
Wish for your true self
You still laugh clumsily
Because sadness still suits you
If I was born
Only to meet you
I wonder if I could change
I want to tell you, from my heart
You've been hurt too much, but we'll still make it in time
I love you from my heart
I want to wipe away the pain that falls on you
Everything is I for you

I want to tell you, from my heart
If I was able to look at your smile forever
I love you from my heart
I want to collect the light that falls on you
Everything is I for you


Source: http://www.backerstreet.com/cgi-bin/drcoll.sh

Fugly Me

:(. Yeah I was supposed to be sleeping, but I can't.

All's a sweet dream when I'm with you
All's a nightmare when you're gone
Who needs a paradise when I have you?
I'd rather die than live without you

All's a sweet dream when I'm with you
Don't ever wake me up from this
Because it would mean you're gone
I'd rather die than live without you

Whatever. I suck :(. Recently I've been happy over the smallest of things. Yay. But still...

For My Hia Dis
If a girl isn't good
Just let her go
Don't eat bad food
It makes your shit flow

It flows uncontrollably
Like tears from your eyes
Would she really cry?
Even if you die

Even if it's hard
You've to let it go
You can't always fuck
Just because you're hard

I'll be here for you
At the very least
Not as your gay partner
But as a worthy friend
- YC.ShuX, 02.10.2004

20041001

Damn

Today I didn't manage to finish a single chapter, as we ended up watching The Exorcist in the CENT room instead. Graphically, it's alright. But storywise it's rather freaky, and it's based on a true story... And Maclean and the rest told me that the people who acted in this show are all dead, and the director too. They also supposedly didn't die very peaceful deaths... Weird... :(.

Anyway, thankfully I managed to grasp the concepts in chapter 4. Going to do some questions on it tomorrow :D. Anyway good luck to someone who's having her last paper tomorrow ^^. Guess I'll stop here... Very tired already. Got to sleep soon... :). Zzz...

X Japan = Legend

Alright, today (or rather, yesterday) was another day of studying. As usual, I think I played and slacked more than I studied. Even then, I managed to finish one chapter, plus revised the first two chapters slightly. So it's all good. I am somehow going to finish up three chapters later on, no matter what. Actually I should be able to do it, in fact, all of us can. But we are too restless -_-. Ask Maclean and Gregory, who spent more than an hour or so watching some cute videos :P. It was fun though. I'm not going to say what Mr VP wanted to watch. Or watched. HAHA. Anyway, just finished working out to de-stress myself a bit.
Hope I dream of you tonight... ^^
Hm, going to sleep soon. I think this is the first time this week I'm sleeping before 2am. Yay for YC :D. When I wake up, it's going to be study time, all the way! Damn it, I MUST STUDY. Damn my stupid lazy attitude. Argh :(. Good night sweet dreams! Hope all my friends do well for their examinations!

Anyway, I just finished watching X Japan's Last Live... It's really nice and touching. You could see the tears on the faces of everyone, from the fans, to the X Japan members themselves. I mean, X Japan is like their life, and this is their last performance and stuff. Moreover, Yoshiki and Toshi have been childhood friends, yet they're now splitting up. The reason was because Toshi wanted to leave the band for some personal reasons :(. That was in 1997. And hide died on the following year, May 2, 1998. Initially it was thought that he committed suicide, but there're various other explanations. However, we'll never know which one is the truth... :(. He's a really good guitarist, and very influential. In fact, I think the whole X Japan is influential. They started visual "kei" too. Most of the members have also contributed largely to the public... :(. It's really sad every time I think that this band no longer exists. I wish I was born a few years earlier so I can see them "Live", or at least wait for their new albums or something. Anyway, the Last Live was really really good, and it ended with them playing "Endless Rain", my favourite X Japan song of all time. Respect X Japan.