20041028

Lost Lamb

I don't understand myself at all, really. I don't want to hurt anyone of you, and I don't even know... What I really want anymore. Whatever happens from here on, if I hurt you, I'm sorry. Sorry, really. Sorry my heart's so fucking soft, I can't even make up my mind. Sorry if I lead you on. Sorry, and thank you for everything.

I've been moving forward, while looking backwards all the time. I never really let go of anything before. The memories, they're still fresh. The wounds, they're still healing. Every time they heal, I'll somehow open the wound again, willingly. Pain is what I deserve. Hurt makes me learn more.

I'm greedy. I don't want to lose anything. But I can't have everything. Either way, I'll end up hurting someone. Someone, who doesn't deserve it at all. It's not about you, it's about myself. I don't even know if I still have any feelings for you, but talking to you makes me very happy. I still miss the past. I don't mind having it back. I miss everything about you. I never realised how much you meant till you left.

Dian said I'm kind, but I'm not. I'm simply a useless guy who always lets his heart controls his mind, completely irrational. Maybe I deserve to be hated. Sometimes, suicide isn't an option sometimes. It happens to be the only way. But there's so much more to life. I won't mind dying, if my life can be given to someone else. Maybe prolong someone's life by 20 years or something. I'm sure he or she can make that 20 years more meaningful than I can.

I'm working soon, in 3 hours' time. Haven't slept the whole night. Been thinking through, and still no answer. Once again, I created my own hell. And no, this post isn't for just one person...

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