20041127

PCB

What the fuck is wrong with you people? During holidays, no contact at all? As though that wasn't bad enough, I found out I'm one of the few who were left out. Never mind. Don't go too far, even as "FRIENDS". Read Maclean's post to know what I mean. Bullshit. Fucking sluts and bastards. Sleep together and create more people like you. Like me. HAHAHA. Love love love. My ass. Lust lust lust yeah! HAHAHAHA. For a girl you're going to throw away everything. How smart.

20041121

Timetable For Next Semester

It sucks. I've checked most of the CENT people already. Thanks to Asheeq for the link to check the timetables ^_^. I'm in class EC_2201, together with:
Maclean
Gregory
Roy


People in class EC_2202:
Andrew
Nicholas
Raj
Rayhan

For those in EC_2201, click this link to view what your schedule for next year will be like, ignore the CDS though ^_^.

20041117

Spyware Removal & Prevention

Step 1: "Blocking Unwanted Paraistes with a Hosts File"
Link: http://www.mvps.org/winhelp2002/hosts.htm

Alright, basically, go to this site, download the file, and follow the instructions. As quoted from the site:

What it does ...
The Hosts file contains the mappings of IP addresses to host names. This file is loaded into memory at startup, then Windows checks the Hosts file before it queries any DNS servers, which enables it to override addresses in the DNS. This prevents access to the listed sites by redirecting any connection attempts back to the local machine. Another feature of the HOSTS file is it's ability to block other applications from connecting to the Internet, as long the the entry exists.

You can use a HOSTS file to block ads, banners, cookies, web bugs, and even most hijackers. This is accomplished by blocking the Server that supplies these little gems. Example - the following entry 127.0.0.1 ad.doubleclick.net blocks all files supplied by the DoubleClick Server to the web page you are viewing. This also prevents the server from tracking your movements.


Step 2: Add Unwanted Sites To IE's "Restricted Zone"
Link: https://netfiles.uiuc.edu/ehowes/www/resource.htm

Same as step 1, just go to this site, READ IT, and download the file and follow the instructions. Short quote from the site:

IE-SPYAD adds a long list of sites and domains associated with known advertisers, marketers, and crapware pushers to the Restricted sites zone of Internet Explorer. Once you merge this list of sites and domains into the Registry, the web sites for these companies will not be able to use cookies, ActiveX controls, Java applets, or scripting to compromise your privacy or your PC while you surf the Net. Nor will they be able to use your browser to push unwanted pop-ups, cookies, or auto-installing programs on your PC.

Step 3: Install SpywareBlaster
Link: http://www.javacoolsoftware.com/

Get SpywareBlaster, update it, select "Enable All Protection".

The most important step you can take is to secure your system. And SpywareBlaster is the most powerful protection program available.

-Prevent the installation of ActiveX-based spyware, adware, browser hijackers, dialers, and other potentially unwanted pests.
-Block spyware/tracking cookies in Internet Explorer and Mozilla/Firefox.
-Restrict the actions of potentially dangerous sites in Internet Explorer.


Step 4: Get Ad-Aware
Link: http://www.lavasoftusa.com/

Install it and scan your PC and remove anything that's found.

Step 5: Get Spybot-S&D
Link: http://security.kolla.de/

Same as Step 4.

Step 6: Personal Recommendations/Thoughts
A:
Use Firefox. Get it from http://www.mozilla.org/

Why? Do a search on http://www.google.com/ and you'll know why.

B:
I personally visit the Wilders Security Forums. I found the links listed in steps 1 and 2 from there as well. Really nice place too.

Ending Thoughts
I wrote this after getting frustrated of the numerous calls I get a day regarding spyware. The stupid thing is, I tell them "I guess it's some spyware...", and before I can complete my sentence, they say, "BUT I HAVE NORTON ANTIVIRUS!" or "I have my FIREWALL and security settings all configured! It's impossible!" Please read up more... Before acting like you know everything.

... And it's like ten to twenty calls a day, regarding spyware. Sigh. I'll attain nirvana if I can tolerate this crap for one solid year.

There is a very good guide at DriverHeaven, which you can view HERE.

Alright, that's all. Have a good day! =)

20041116

Why...?

Damn it, I typed a long post and closed it accidentally.

Sigh. Anyway, here I go again...

Why can't I bear to see you cry even though we aren't a couple anymore...? Time and again, I've tried to let go of you. Just yesterday, I was close to letting go of you, but when I woke up today, my mind was once again filled with memories of you and me. With the sweet girl who was with me for 2 years. Sometimes I wish I can just walk away, and many times I've already did. But this time, you called me, and cried over the phone. You told me you still have feelings, that you wanted to be together. But at the end of it all, you said "my feelings are there but I feel they aren't strong enough to start a relationship". I don't understand, I really don't. It almost sounds like you're forcing yourself to be with me... I don't know what I want anymore. Damn. Since the last time I met you, I've been doing fine and going strong. At least I thought so. I spent the days sleeping, and the nights playing Counter-Strike and NFSU2 demo with D.A.S.H. Haha. Thanks guys. It was fun. Owning and getting owned in Counter-Strike is fun, challenging one another in that ONE AND ONLY circuit track in that NFSU 2 demo is fun. Time-trialling ourselves. Woohoo.

But then you called. Then I realised for that 3 weeks of so, I was really numb and cold inside. I guess I've turned my back on my emotions. I wish I could just turn and walk away. But I don't ever want to see you cry again. Maybe you and I are really from completely different worlds... Maybe your parents were right in not letting you be with me. After all, if you're an angel, I'm definitely a demon. Even then, I always thought I could protect you for who you are. Protect that naive innocent girl from the filth of this world. In the end, I'm the one who's filthy. Every time I think about your parents, I seriously wonder if it's ever possible for us to be together again... Girl, if I could turn back time I would. I really would. A relationship without trust is useless, a relationship without love... is even worse. To do things under obligation is really dumb. I'm scared of the pain too. For once, pain doesn't seem to help me realise anything. It's probably because I'm too heartless or something.

I don't know what I want
Neither do I give a damn
I only want to run away
Fly away to paradise
Death's only a second away
All it takes is a cut
A cut to the wrist
Is all it takes
Sit back and relax
Watch the blood flow
As I slowly fall asleep
An eternal slumber
Where I can be happy
With you, my girl
Even though...
All's a dream,
And I'm the nightmare.

And some people... Don't even take this seriously =). Don't come and "Lol" me. It's not funny, and it's insulting enough that you don't care. Please don't add to it.

20041114

Ice

I wake up with a splitting headache that throws me into an utter state of confusion. I went to bed feeling confused, now it's even worse. I'm getting colder each day, and for a while, I thought that would help me concentrate on what I really need first. I thought... But I have no idea now. I wish someone can melt the ice around my heart and wake me up. I don't even know what I feel anymore. The only feeling I"m sure of is anger, and frustration at myself. Every time I felt I was right, I'm proven wrong. Time and again I've made unnecessary judgements and statements. I'm probably going to let someone down again, hurt someone again. Ultimately, it's my fault. My stupid self. I don't even know what the hell I'm typing now. Don't even know or feel a thing, other than the headache. I just want to... Escape from everything sometimes.

Selamat Hari Raya to everyone! We're a multi-racial, multi-religious country, right? =)

20041113

For -

1.
If you really regard someone as your boyfriend, treat him with respect. Don't destroy his pride. He's literally thrown it away for you. He barely has enough cash for himself, yet he spends it on you. Do you even know about it? A little appreciation goes a long way. When I first heard about you from him, you sounded like a really sweet girl. Why the hell do you seem so different now? I wish I knew you personally, so I can actually help him right now. You don't leave a guy who goes all the way from home just to fetch you alone. You seriously think keeping quiet and showing that cold attitude of yours towards him will solve everything? He's trying so hard now, and you don't even give him any answer. I've no idea what exactly happened too, and I admit, I'm only writing this from what I've heard. All I'll say is, even if you don't respect him as your boyfriend, respect him as a human. When a stranger talks to you, basic courtesy tells you, you should reply. Tell him what's on your mind.

2.
This Wednesday you're going to meet her. All the best! Sorry if I seem like I'm playing with your mind, but I've been through similar stuffs, although your Her and my Her seems to have completely different attitudes. Just don't let yourself down, no matter what. Good luck =).

20041111

WHAT THE FUCK

http://mdn.mainichi.co.jp/waiwai/0201/020106moms.html

I have nothing to say. Read the article yourself. It's wrong no matter how I look at it. I've no idea how true or how credible the source is though... Hope it's false for once.

Bad Day For The CaveBots =(

Bah... =*(. That's all. Come on, let's be strong =).

I probably mean nothing to you, but you already mean something to me. Some things will never be, and I wasn't born with any power to change fate. Hope always fails. Thus, I've learnt to always expect nothing but the worst. This way, I'll never be disappointed, and can always be happy if something good happens. No matter how strong I become, a girl will always make me fall apart. I can still stand strong, but pieces of me are already crumbling away. Why? Why is it that no matter how hard I try, every single word from you softens me? Clubbing seems like the perfect escape for me... I don't know, really. I seriously hate myself sometimes. I'm practically being a puppet on purpose. Just to see you smile. A little appreciation goes a long way, a little honest will always prevent someone from getting hurt. The truth always hurts. Even then, it's better than being a fool by being lied to. I'm getting more emotionless each day. It's exhausting. I'm tired already. I wake up all the time with my mind completely jumbled up. Do you even understand?

The ceiling is my best friend at times. Ten years from now, will I still be like this? No, ten years from now, will I still be alive? Maybe... I should start living for myself. No, I already am living for myself. All this "suffering" is due to my own selfishness anyway. In the end, it's always my fault. It always has been. I'm the perfect imperfection. Flawed. I make myself laugh. Weak beyond words. Doing well academically means nothing, when I fail as a human. The puzzle's always incomplete. Always has been. With, or without you, it's all the same. Hell will always rage with fire. Burn... Burn my heart away and I can become a perfect human. One without unnecessary emotions such as sadness and worry.

We're always under the same sky, eh? When you're away in some place far away, look at the sky and remember me. When I'm in some place far away, I look at the sky and see the emptiness. Even with stars, it's... Still dark. Watch my walls with the blood stains on it, blood from me as I punch the walls every night desperately, trying to find an answer. I can never understand the pain of those who're suffering from terminal illnesses like cancer, but I'm sure the emotional strain on them is always... Much much more painful than the physical pain. Some of these people have more right to live than me. And sometimes, I feel I've more right to live than some people. Just... Sometimes.

Note: The above was written by someone not exactly in a right state of mind, and thus, some parts of it might be false. Might.

Yoga Power!

20041110

Things To Buy

Radeon 9600 Pro (If I've the cash, I would've bought a X800 or 6800 ^^)
BenQ 1620
Whey Protein
Shoes
Jeans

Bla bla. Sigh.

Yeah!

After lazing around for 1.5 to 2 weeks, I finally started working out again. Hehe =P. I'm so weak now =(, got to start all over again.

Interesting Site

http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/

Burning

Alright, so I woke up around 2pm and met Hilmi and Dian at 3.30pm or so. Dian had a fucked-up trip to Cash Converters. They didn't want to buy his scanner, and even worse, they said it's worth $5 at most. What the hell. Anyway, we went off to Sim Lim Square after that, where I bought 50 pieces of BenQ blank CD-R. Dian, after meeting Eugene, went to buy Steelpad S & S. For those who don't know what it is, it is a mousepad ^_^. Anyway, after that, we went to have dinner at McDonald's. For some reason, I have to fast together with Hilmi and Dian. Lol :P. After that, we all walked to Orchard. On the way, something disastrous thanks to me, happened. We were walking past Plaza Singapura, and playing around, as usual. Then I pushed Dian hard enough for him to fall into the pool of water by PS, and somehow he slipped and fell =(. His scanner got dropped in the process, and one of his fingers was heavily bruised, together with an injured hip and both of his knees =(. Damn. Sorry man. Thankfully, his beloved N-Gage QD was unharmed. However, he later on found out that his watch, given by his someone special, got a part chipped off =(. Damn it. Sigh. Anyway, we went to Takashimaya where Dian and Eugene went to find their friend. I can't remember his name, I think it was Cheung or something, but they all call him Huffy. After that, Dian went to find his someone special, while me and Hilmi simply sat in the middle of nowhere, outside a shop called Camper, in Takashimaya. The rest joined us later on, and we talked for quite some time, before making a move. Took bus 65 home, and there was this really fierce "ah beng", whose body weight is 50kg at most, with some tattoo, staring at me all the way till he got off. Probably thanks to Hilmi's comment :P. Anyway, it was so scary. LOL ^_^.

Anyway, got home and started playing CS with Hilmi, Dian, Eugene, and Huffy. Huffy left after a while, and I don't know who were those people that took over him. Anyway, I had a migraine the moment I wanted to play, and I'm having a fever now. Well, I guess it's time I fall physically sick after being emotionally sick for so long. Lol. This will stop me from thinking of unnecessary stuff for sure. Well, whatever's meant to be got to happen. If it doesn't, then I can only walk away, knowing I've tried my best. There's a fine line between love and sympathy, as Hilmi said. There's also a fine line between being friendly, and being flirtatious. There's a fine line between everything. And the finest line right now is the one between my sanity and my insanity. Nah, just joking =). Good night people, sweet dreams.

20041109

Wishing You... Asked

The topic has nothing to do with this post, don't bother... Anyway, I fell asleep around 5.30am or 6am just now, and I woke up around 7.15am thanks to an sms from someone. Seriously, thanks. I was having a really screwed up dream of Her. She was at my house, dressed in her school uniform and stuff. I don't want to elaborate on what happened. And in the dream, my house was exactly the same as the real house I'm living in... Even little things like the washing machine were the same. Anyway, my mother and sister were getting ready to leave the house in my dream, and my mother didn't like the idea that she was here. After they left, I went to her, and said something like "Everything's over, right?" Then she shouted and said "No! Go look at your drawers and what I've bought for you and stuffs." So I went, "But the last time we met, everything has already ended." Then she said something like "What exactly can I do?" Anyway, I asked if she has to go to school, and she said something like "Yeah, school started 29 minutes ago." In that dream, it was 9.29am. I've no idea why 29, but the date I got together with her was 28th June 2002. Interesting. Everything's so close to perfect, accurary-wise, but the date? Anyway, in that dream, when she said that I didn't know how to react. According to what I remember, I didn't have any feelings for her anymore. Moreover, when she said that, someone sms-ed me (in the dream). I never got to see who sent me the sms, as I didn't want to open it, fearing it was from *. Someone I like in the dream. She has a name, but it doesn't matter whether I type it out or not. So anyway, I woke up after REALLY getting an sms from someone. And I woke up feeling all dazed and dizzy. It felt so real. Thank goodness it wasn't... Some things will never be the same again. And now I'm fucking trying to get back to sleep, but the headache is killing me...

I go on playing the fool, just so we could keep in contact.

20041108

Sead! Lol.

Talked to this really friendly chap on the phone named Sead. He's 67, and he's from Italy. Really funny and he talks like a kid. Lol. Told me he's son's 29 years old and in Switzerland. He's been in Singapore for the past 18 years, and his son left Singapore at the age of 21. After a morning of irritating calls, this is one refreshing talk. His accent is a bit hard to catch though. Lol.

ON ANOTHER NOTE, this fellow colleague whom I shall not name is really irritating the hell out of me. I seriously think he's gay. Even Gregory thinks so. And he fucking held my hand while I was using the mouse, and stroked it. FUCK. I was like, "What the fuck is wrong?", so I simply stared back. Fuck it man. The other time I lost my earphones and he had it. He said he found it on the floor. Yeah sure. And instead of asking around, he simply kept it in his drawer =). Clever. I usually have nothing against homosexuals, but for fuck's sake keep it to yourself.

Jazz Jackrabbit 2

Lol. I played Jazz Jackrabbit way back when I was in Primary 3 or 4 on Windows 95. It was a really fun side-scroller. In fact, I think it's one of the best side-scrollers ever, for the PC. Anyway, I bought Jazz Jackrabbit 2 the moment it came out, and played it. It was fun, with much better graphics and whatnots. The highest graphic setting was 640 x 480 x 16. Haha =P. It's really fun, but I never completed the game with Spaz before. In part 2, there're two characters to choose from, Jazz and Spaz. Anyway, I installed it, and it actually works on Windows XP! Without any compatibility mode and stuff! I tried installing the original one, but it wouldn't run, giving me a "Runtime Error 200" message =(. I was planning on completing both during these holidays. Anyway, after reading up on some sites such as http://www.dosgames.com, I tried running Jazz Jackrabbit on DOSBox. It works! But the sound stutters =(. Gameplay is smooth though. So I decided on playing Jazz Jackrabbit 2 first, complete it with Spaz, then find a solution for that sound problem. It's really fun. Lol. I'm playing on Hard mode, and have so far cleared the first episode, and am halfway through the second. Side-scrollers are really fun, and they're so refreshing compared to the FPS games on the market nowadays. Too bad no one bothers making 2D games anymore =(. At least, not for the PC. With today's computers, we can really be playing an awesome 2D game... Great animations and whatnots. Anyway, here's a screenshot I took for no reason at all... Click on it for the bigger version.

20041107

Some Random Thoughts

This is directed at no one in particular, everyone in general...

Some people talk too much and think too little. Seriously, wake up. Don't act like you've seen everything in the world... =). No one will ever be able to do that. Maybe when you're like 60 years old or something you would've seen most of the world, but there're still bound to be things that shock/amaze you. Teenagers and young adults behaving like they've seen the whole world...? Get a life, step out of your house for once instead of simply believing in the papers or what you hear all the time. Talking about love and its meaning, when you don't even understand yourself. Meaning of love? I don't know. If there was one absolute definition for love, then why the hell do people still consider love a mystery. What love means to you is entirely up to the individual. To stereotype the whole of humanity with your definition of love is amusing. Really =). Not that yours makes any sense to me. Getting in and out of relationships... Achievement? Want an award for that? Why don't you take a look at how many hearts you've broken, how many bitches you've created as a result of your fucked up actions? Why don't you take a look at your studies, and work harder? If you can't even value friendships, I don't see how you can value someone you "love".

You say you love her. Then why the fuck do you do nothing about it? Sitting around and saying "I love her." means nothing. Love is just a word. Words are just words without actions. You want to win a girl's heart by sweet-talking? Go ahead. Be your "sweet" and "caring" self, only to reveal your true self and hurt the girl's faith in you completely after getting together with her. Actions speak louder than words, my friend. Why don't you try being yourself for once? Or do you not know who you are? All the sweet-talking and bullshit about loving someone, when all you wanted was a companion to share your sorrows with. All you wanted was someone to pity you. There's a fine line between loving someone and simply seeking companionship with someone. Don't mix them up. You might end up having sex with someone you only considered a friend, without realising it.

Giving up everything for someone you love? Dude, if she really loves you would you have to do that? Wake up. That amount of time spent on someone who doesn't appreciate a thing at all is better spent at some blood donation drive. At least you'll help someone, no doubt you remain anonymous. That's what helping is all about, right? Or do you want recognition and fame for it? Retarded POS.

When you judge others, you judge yourself. Similarly, right now most of you are thinking this is just an angry rant, that I'm a loser trying to make sense of what's happening around myself. Yeah, I'm trying to make sense of everything around me. Friends? But don't judge me when you don't even know me =). I've my reasons, and I'm sure my true friends can vouch for what I'm saying here.

On another note, while I was out with someone the other day, I heard something really stupid from her. She told me her friends who are attached start quarrels with their boyfriends when they feel the relationship is stale. Their reason? "When we quarrel, I know my boyfriend cares." WTF? This is literally playing with someone's heart. Why don't you FUCKING ASK HIM DIRECTLY IF HE CARES? You fucking start a quarrel, just to fulfill your selfish WANT? It's not even a need. FUCKTARD. Were you all born with your head stuck in your ass or something? Even worse, do you even have one? Are all girls this retarded? Sorry to all the sweet girls out there. Anyway, let me go on. This retarded logic of theirs is as stupid as some guys'. "If you love me, let us make love." HAHA. Yay. I love all of you pretty girls out there. You love me? What is this world coming to?

The word "love", among many similar words that WERE used to represent it, has completely lost its meaning. These words no longer mean anything... It's sad. Words I use to get only from my girlfriend... Are so common now... It's even worse when you know they don't mean shit...

And to someone... If you read this you know who you are. Don't say stuff like you'd rather run away than face the truth because it causes you pain. It really... Makes no sense =).

To Ache, good luck on Tuesday. HEHEHE ^_^. Glad to see things are going well for you =).

Screwed Computer

Lol, my computer is screwed both physically and mentally, well, logically. Take a look at the following pictures...

Dust stuck at the fan grille of my Antec Lanboy =(. Look at the scratches too, due to my stupid chair =(. I've cleared that insane amount of dirt already =).


WTF my monitor? It goes back to normal after you off and on it again.


Amazing black patch in my Add/Remove Programs. Lol. I've found the fix for this, but I'm too lazy to do anything =(.


Lol. And here I am planning to buy a new graphics card, and probably some Arctic Silver 5. I think my monitor will break down before anything though. Sponsors, please?

20041106

LOL

Came across this while browsing the internet just now.

Illegal Sex Acts

If you're offended, don't see =). Anyway it's really funny! =)

On a similar note, do a search for "oral sex in singapore" or something similar, and you can see funny results too. If you're lazy, here's a quick link. I gave a presentation on it before, it was fun seeing the teacher's shocked face. Hehe :P.

Fun...?

Basically, I slept at 11am and woke up around 5pm. I think Joven was playing NFSU and some other games while I was asleep. But when I woke up he was watching South Park. Lol. I think he watched some amazing game videos too, which I downloaded last night. I know some of you already know about this, but there're people who completed Super Mario 3 in 11 minutes, Half-Life in an hour and whatnots... Amazing stuff. Anyway, here's are some links where you can find and download "speedruns" of numerous games...

http://home.comcast.net/~arcthelad/
http://www.planetquake.com/sda/other/

So yeah. Basically it was a good day... I guess. Just saw the catalogue for Sony's year-end sale or something... Damn. A 128MB mp3 player costs $349... I can get two Creative ones with that kinda money. Too expensive! No doubt, the 70 hours battery life is amazing, but how true is it?

Anyway, there're some things I don't feel like mentioning. Just don't go overboard. There's a limit to everything. Don't cross the line. I won't let you step all over me, no matter who you are. I won't let anyone bring me down. This time for sure. So... Don't cross the line. Thanks.

Pete Murray - So Beautiful
Found myself just the other day
In the backyard of a friends place,
Thinkin’ about you,
Thinkin’ of the crowd you’re in,
What you up too where you been?
(Just thinkin’)

And all the clothes that you wear,
And the colors in your hair
Shouldn’t change you
Now you tell me why it’s so
You bigger than mighty Joe,
(At least you think so)

God my fingers burn,
Now when I think of touching your hair
You have changed so much that I don’t know,
If I can call you and tell you I care
And I would love to bring you down,
Plant your feet back on the ground

Throw my smoke down on the ground,
Turn my head and I heard the sound,
(That reminded me)
Of the days so young and sweet
Always so much fun to meet
(At least I thought so)

Now you think your so damn fine
You can rule the world no not mine,
I don’t think so

God my fingers burn,
Now when I think of touching your hair
You have changed so much that I don’t know,
If I can call you and tell you I care

Now the scene that you’re in,
And the people that you been with
Just get to me,
But you think I’m not as cool,
As you are so beautiful
Well who you fooling

Well I’m here to tell you babe
The game your in is just a game
So damn pretentious

God my fingers burn,
Now when I think of touching your hair
You have changed so much that I don’t know,
If I can call you and tell you I care
And I would love to bring you down,
Plant your feet back on the ground

You think you’re so beautiful
(So beautiful)


Source: http://www.anysonglyrics.com

:)

Mistake

It's 9.41am now and I haven't slept the whole night. Haha. Was supposed to meet Maclean and the rest yesterday, but I ended up sleeping all the way till 8pm. Sorry dudes =). I went to Boon Tiong's house around 11pm, and Joven came home with me around 3am or something I think. Boon Tiong and the rest had to work... So yeah. Joven's sleeping now though. Been sleeping since 5am I think. Nothing much to blog about. Actually, there's a lot of stuffs on my screwed mind right now, but I've no idea how to phrase out anything at all. All I know is, I've let down a lot of people so far, some who don't even deserve it. Sorry. To a certain someone, I hope you recover soon... =).

I've made so many mistakes in my life I doubt I can ever fully repent for them. But I'm still only 18, and there's still enough time to make up for at least some of them, I hope. I think I'll go on making mistakes though. This is stupid. For every mistake I correct, I end up making ten more at least. Great... It seems I can only hurt others, and never make them happy. People around me don't feel happy. I crack stupid jokes and no one laughs but myself. When I'm serious, I bring the mood of others down. Now I understand...

To protect someone, you may have to hurt others. But what if you end up hurting everyone? That's probably me =).

20041105

Playing With My Own Heart

Even as I know the truth, I go on living in the lie...

20041104

Please Forgive Me

It still feels like our first night together
Feels like the first kiss and it's gettin' better baby
No one can better this
I'm still holdin' on and you're still the one
The first time our eyes met - it's the same feelin' i get
Only feels much stronger - i wanna love ya longer
You still turn the fire on...

So if you're feelin' lonely ... don't
You're the only one I'd ever want
I only wanna make it good
So if I love ya a little more than i should...

Please forgive me - i know not what i do
Please forgive me - i can't stop lovin' you
don't deny me - this pain i'm going through
Please forgive me - if i need ya like i do
Please believe me - every word i say is true
Please forgive me - i can't stop lovin' you

Still feels like our best times are together
Feels like the first touch
We're still gettin' closer baby
Can't get close enough
I'm still holdin' on - you're still number one
I remember the smell of your skin
I remember everything
I remember all your moves - i remember you
I remember the nights - ya know i still do

So if you're feeling lonely... don't
You're the only one i'd ever want
I only wanna make it good
So if I love ya a little more than i should

Please forgive me - i know not what i do
Please forgive me - i can't stop lovin' you
Don't deny me - this pain i'm going through
Please forgive me - if i need ya like i do
Please believe me - every word i say is true
Please forgive me - i can't stop lovin' you

One thing i'm sure of - is the way we make love
And the one thing i depend on
Is for us to stay strong
With every word and every breath i'm prayin'
That's why i'm sayin'...

Please forgive me - i know not what i do
Please forgive me - i can't stop lovin' you
Don't deny me - this pain i'm going through
Please forgive me - if i need ya like i do
Never leave me - i don't know what i'd do
Please forgive me - i can't stop lovin' you


Source: http://www.bryanadams.com

Nice song ^_^.

I really want to know what's on your mind.

20041103

Losing Myself? Fuck It.

While I was worried about losing you, I lost myself.
Now that I've lost you, I can't find myself anymore.
Blame me for this ignorance, but ignorance is really bliss.
Truths are better than lies, but dreams are sweeter than reality.
I wanted to turn my dreams into reality, but dreams... are dreams.
So unreal. My life was a dream when I was with you.
Now I'm awake, back in reality. Where are you now?
The you I know no longer exists, only in my dreams do I see you.
They say it takes a lifetime to forget someone, is it really true?
I saw a dolphin soft toy just now, and the thought of you came to my mind.
Even now, when I feel no sadness anymore, I still can't escape...
The ghost of you...


Someday I'll disappear from your life completely. I've no idea what you want at all. I saw a little hope, a little future. But as I walk nearer to that ray of light known as hope, it disappears. So I try to walk away, but it lights up again, flickering. Yet a flickering flame is better than complete darkness, so I give it another go. But yet time and again, I hear things from my friends I'd rather not know. People I truly regard as friends not telling me things I should've known. Maybe the flame will completely extinguish someday. Make up your mind, please. The wax is melting away... When it's gone, all you'll see is a broken soul. A shadow of the candle that once stood tall. Why...? Is it fun toying with people? Maybe humans are really toys. Someday, I will try throwing away my conscience, and just enjoy. Being a fool... Isn't fun the moment you realise it. I've been a fool for too long. The glass is already shattered and broken, leave it alone... Why do you keep on trying to piece it together, only to give up time and again? Even now, I still see a little future, but I'm probably lying to myself. You and I are from completely different worlds. I'll simply fade away from your life as time goes on... Just like a candle melting away.

Anyway, thanks to Roy for the free chalet ^_^. It was fun :).

20041102

...

Don't fucking lower your own pride and dignity till the point you're no longer yourself just because you "love" someone. If it's truly love you should stay as who you are and accept each other. This bullshit is so sickening I want to puke everytime I see it. Don't throw away your life.

20041101

OMG Girl

On the way back from work, I kept on falling asleep even though I was standing, and that Gregory and Jessica were with me for about 1/2 the journey. Lol. Anyway, when I reached Aljunied, in order to stay awake, I called Hilmi and talked for a while. After we put down the phone, this really pretty girl came into the MRT. I think she's a year or two younger than I am, and OMG. Nice body, super sweet face. Nice breasts, seriously. No offense ^_^. Looks-wise, she's as perfect as I can think of. Wavy hair somemore, fair-skinned... Damn nice. Bah, it's just looks though. Got to sleep soon, really tired.

SMD MICHAEL

... I'm already tired enough and I'm trying to sound friendly and stuff, and this shit prick guy named Michael called. He says his printer is unable to work and shit, and there's no way I could determine if it was a hardware or software problem based on his LOUSY description. So I told him I'll get someone to call him back later, and you know what?

Michael: "Don't bullshit me la. You say call call never call one."

Me: "Huh?"

Michael: "My wife called 6 times you all never call back?"

Me: "Sorry, but I don't think I picked up any calls related to that. Tell me what's wrong."

Michael: "KA NI NA LA FUCK YOU."

Me: "Cool down and watch your words."

Michael: "Send someone over la."

Me: "If it's software you'll have to pay."

Michael: "Pay then pay la. Waste my time."

Me: "Sure, your name?"

Michael: "Michael."

Me: "Your serial number?"

Michael: "XXXXXX. Your name?"

Me: "Yuan Chin."

Michael: "You all making me frustrated, better call me by 5.30pm. Bye."

Me: "Bye."

If I wasn't working I would've punched your face fucker. Kanina your mother. Go fuck your own mother, don't fucking use vulgarities like this when you don't even know me. Irritating pile of shit.

:(

Tired at work. I can't sleep for the whole night :(. And now I'm working. I'm dead this time. Lol.

Damn it. Thankfully I've 1 litre of HL milk to accompany me. Milk rocks. Why the fuck am I smiling... Ten years down the road will I still remember Her? I hope so, that makes me human. I guess it's time to move on, move on, move on. Listening to "She Will Be Loved" right now. My system is the only one with speakers :P. And a wireless keyboard and mouse set too. Cool :D.

I don't mind spending everyday, out in the corner in the pouring rain...
Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay a while...
She will be loved, she will be loved...

Yeah? Anyway, the live acoustic version of this song is really nice too. "Always" by Bon Jovi is really nice. It's stuck in my head.

When he holds you close, when he pulls you near...
When he says the words you've been needing to hear,
I wish I was him, cause those words were mine,
To say to you till the end of time...
...
...
I know when I die, you'll be on my mind...

Bah, whatever. Yay, just talked to a really cute-sounding girl on the phone. So cute! Get the fuck out of this blog if you don't want to read it. Enjoy life while you can... :). Chat between me and Christa (really nice friend).

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
sigh sometimes i ask myself. let's say a girl initiates all the physical stuff and i do it and stuff with her, is it wrong?

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
or if i initiate it and the girl is willing

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
you tell me why would would firstly think its wrong k..

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
i dunno. i was raised to respect a girl's body u see

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
and i just feel it';s wrong

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
why tho would it be wrong though, like what makes it wrong, ....you enjoying her, or her enjoying the way your touching her... i think not my friend.. as long as you both understand completely thats firstly , pregnancies happen all the time... but othet then that dear, it isnt wrog just to go a a pace that both of yours are completly comfortable wiht

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
srry about my typing

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
i dun mean with someone i like, i mean just clubbing

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
to be honest with you... if it feels good just do it, as long as your comfortable then!!

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
i dunno deary, our cultures are so so different

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
well asians are conservative i guess

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
very, what would they say if i were there at 18 haveing first child "alone"

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
i dunno, personally i dun mind

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
and thats the way it was i raised lauren my eldest for 2 years before i met my dream man..

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
i think i view girls as competely innocent u see

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
lol

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
but yea..

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
so i hjate to physically "assault" them

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
they arnt

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
mind if i paste this chat in my blog?

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
its not like that at all, trust me, girls want to be touched, ...sure..

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
yea i know, but i dun like the fact . i prefer my dream world with innocent girls

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
our bodies were created for it,

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
our hearts weren't =|

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
to be adorned, with out women we would be nuthing.. (humanity)

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
wel it depends..

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
lack of sexuality breeds perverts i thinks

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
molesters and such

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
im not say ing in regards to you though... but

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
here in amerikka, its like that big time

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
yea i know

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
your not that young... you know i moved out of my mothers house at 14..

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
you are your ouwn being, you know whats best all parents and society can do it tyr to point you in the right directions or in some cases in the wrong direct..

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
i wished i was american at times..

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
i bet you do.. culture carries alot of baggage

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
big hug

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
but then in amerikka, you might have to be like me, moved out of your mothers house at 14 beacuse your mother does too much drugs and ect..

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
bah im just rambling hehe

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
sorry to have blabbed yer ear off lol

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
np girl

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
^_^

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
what time is it there>?

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
here 945pm

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
10.54am

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
lol

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
woah

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
so wierd..

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
any new pics of ya?

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
wow im so so soooo tired i must go to bed, big day tomorow, must be up oohh tooo early... i always likes chit chatting with you, hang in there..

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
btw ive been wanting to ask you,, on my contact list all of my other contacts have like a litte red circle for there status,. and yours has a blue one instead, how come im highly curious

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
but u ca n tell me another day nite nite

Blogger =|

I've no idea if this post would be shown on my blog. I updated it numerous times and it doesn't show :(.

Anyway, was with Hilmi and Dian on the phone just now (conference). Dian was sleeping though. Lol. Talked to Hilmi about me and Her and everything. All the good times, yeah? Haha. Until the day I can smile when I think of the past, I don't think I've truly gotten over anything. I mean, there'll always be a little heartache, but I want to be able to smile. Got to work in like 4 hours, and I'm still awake. Bah, going to sleep now. Good night ^_^.