20041221

...

To the parents of the kid who got one of my friends into trouble for no apparent reason, fuck you. Bringing up your child this way will surely result in a bastard in future. Hehe. I can't wait and see what happens next. USE YOUR FUCKING BRAINS. May the law be fair for once.

20041220

Forget It

Removed.

20041219

Reflections

This is going to be about my polytechnic life so far, since 1.1.

1.1
The first person I got to know was Fahmi. I thought we got along well since both of us were rather inclined in computer stuff. However, during the INETCF project, I realised how proud and egoistic he is, and thus, we ended up submitting 2 totally different sites, although we're supposedly in the same group. Even worse, I could've sworn his is a template from some of the sites, yet he insists on doing it himself. He always boasts about his Flash and Dreamweaver, but I seriously think he sucks. Selfish too. Doesn't even bother helping his own friend, Khalid, when his CD couldn't work. Accused Gregory of copying his work too. Highly anti-social. Private studies would suit him better. The second person I got to know was Maclean, and till today we're good friends. I've the utmost respect for him, after what he's been through. Unfortunately, most fuckers only see his vulgar self. He's one of the few friends whom you can count on, that's for sure. I can't remember who was next, but from there came Timothy, Alex, Alvinder, Gregory, and the rest. Anyway, all was well initially, but Timothy and Alvinder had to start doubting Maclean, and started spreading rumors about Maclean lying about his past and shit. For a long time, I kept everything from Maclean, trying to knock some sense into Alvinder and Timothy. But they went too far. Even told their friends like Ismail and Mogan and who knows what else. Even came up with some FUCKED UP plan trying to "expose" Maclean. Hypocrites, and you didn't even have the guts to admit anything =). Anyway, the semester didn't end very well, with Timothy and Alvinder on one side with some others, and me and the rest on the other side. I think nothing else significant happened.

1.2
My 1.2 class was filled with PRCs and some really irritating fucked-ups. Thankfully, my old buddy, Kelvin, was with me. We also made friends with a girl called Evelyn, some hip-hop fanatic. Lol. 1.2 was rather boring. But things went well. Met up with Maclean and the rest from time to time, sometimes with Timothy and Alvinder, aka hypocrite gang tagging along. I guess that's about it.

2.1
As luck would have it, I ended up in a class with Gregory, Maclean, Tiong Guan, Jian Feng, Willie, and a few more of my 1.1 classmates. And Alvinder! And he's in my group. And he did nothing. Anyway, I talked to him about the past, told him to apologise to Maclean and stuff but nothing happened I guess. I think I talked to him in 1.2 in fact, not 2.1. Anyway, it was the most stressful semester I've ever had. Largely due to my group mates doing nothing, and giving me half-assed work. Other than Maclean, none of them really tried. Alvinder didn't even DO. Amazing. Thankfully I cleared the papers, together with everyone else. But Maclean had to fail Math =(, and someone whom I shall not name had to insult him recently. Someone we all treated as a friend.

2.2
I'll write about it when it ends.

That's all. Have fun folks. I usually blog without people's names in it, but I'm getting tired of using him, her, etc. Using the name is so much easier.

Anyway, about some of my friends, I know very well I'm just a tool to you. I'm just keeping quiet, because as you use me to help you pass your exams, I learn a lot more stuff than you. Knowledge is power =). Just don't go too far.

20041214

-

What do you know? What do you understand? Why do you not bother? You only judge everything superficially... Respect a little, at the very least.

20041210

Sweetness...

Hi people, She left for New Zealand already... And she did something really sweet for me. Basically, since she'll be gone for 16 days... She wrote 16 short letters, and gave me 16 gifts. I'm suppose to open one up each day, according to the respective date... Really sweet =). Thanks a lot! I don't know what else to say... Just hope you'll have a really safe and enjoyable trip =)!

Here's a picture of the sunflower, which is the gift for today. It's real. Really nice ^_^.

Click for the full-sized picture =).

Have a good day!

20041208

...

We worked and fought for it, only for others to take the credit and lead us. Great. People involved should know what I'm talking about. Screw those who didn't bother to help.

A demon doesn't belong in this world of humans... I guess I just got to accept that. When people look at him, they only see the anger, they only see the demon. Even his girlfriend was like that. But he's only being realistic, in order to protect and make his dreams come true. His girlfriend was scared of him losing himself to power, and just today, another person said something similar. No one sees past those eyes into the burning pain inside him. The feeling of wanting to be stopped. Does he have a choice? If he fails, his future's gone. He likes pain, because pain makes him learn more. He believes anything that doesn't kill him will only make him stronger. But even with all these anger and hatred, he's always tried to make those people important to him happy. Obviously, he failed. You can't possibly make someone happy when all that's inside you is pain. He failed, time and again. It almost feels like it's his destiny to be alone, to destroy all that's in his path. He seeks power. Absolute power. It needs no definition. Day by day he questions his conscience, his humanity. One day, he'll probably lose faith completely in humanity. He could've been saved, if only someone bothered to understand, if only someone bothered to listen... Someone did, but he didn't notice, until that someone stopped listening. Now there's no one listening. Wait, there's someone. He appreciates it. However, some things have a beginning, but no end. He'll just keep losing more and more of himself, till he achieves his goal. Then he'll feel empty. But at least, he lived his life the way he chose to. Is it his fault? Or is it this society's? When all he ever wanted, was a little understanding. When all he ever wanted was someone who could understand why he seeks power so much. Unfortunately, no one shares his dreams. No one... Darkness is nothing when you compare it to the loneliness he feels. Even when there's someone, he won't be able to see him or her anymore. He's already blinded by his goal. His goal which will surely result in nothing but pain. The final result would be emptiness itself.

Life So Far...

Sorry I haven't been blogging recently. Lots of things are happening in my life, some good, some bad. Alright. Let's start with yesterday first. School started. Hmm... So I guess I can finally start eating and sleeping properly, and start working out again. I seem to do nothing but sleep and waste my time away during holidays. I don't even eat right, thus I avoid working out. So I guess it's all good. My teacher for yesterday's lesson seems good. He let us off within 40 minutes, although it was a 3 hour lesson. Lol. So basically I went to school for 40 minutes. Today's lesson was alright too I guess. Was late for the first lesson, and got some sarcastic remarks from the teacher. He's rather cocky too. But I think he might be able to teach well. The two lectures that followed were accompanied by two boring lecturers. They suck.

Lots of club activities coming up, and the sad thing is some people aren't doing what they should be doing... Sigh. Just hope everyone plays their part and help the club gain more recognition within the school. If your commitment isn't there, just quit or walk away. We can still be friends. Don't drag the club down due to your own selfish reasons.

Sometimes in life we give our all, thinking everything's fine as long as others are happy. But my dear friends, things don't work this way in real life, no matter how you look at it. No one's going to think, "Hey, you're a really nice person, giving it all up for the sake of others." Alright, some people will, but the majority won't. And then you feel left out, you feel unappreciated, you feel useless. And worst of all, you feel worthless. But do you know that every single time you feel down, you're bringing those who actually care for you down too. These people want you to be happy. You don't need to sacrifice yourself, you're only a human. Seek your own happiness, do what you really want to do. No matter how hard you try you'll never be able to make everyone happy. When it finally happens, or... IF it even happens, the one's that's going to be sad is you. The one that's shouldering all the shit is you. What for? And those people you helped don't even care. And those who do care... Won't be happy. So... Live your life... And see for yourself, who's really worth your time. Don't waste your time on people who are simply wasting our Earth's resources. Spend your time with the special friends and family, and the special one. Time is like money. You should spend it wisely, not waste it away. The difference is, you can earn money... But you can NEVER regain the time you've lost. This particular paragraph is specially dedicated to Maclean, Nicholas, and my ex-girlfriend. And to Nicholas, this quote, which I got from Smallville (LOL), is for you.
"A High School Boyfriend Isn't Her Husband, It's An Obstacle." - Lex Luthor
So yeah. You get what I mean.

Ok, anyway that's it. More onto my personal life... I've been in contact with my ex-girlfriend, and we're getting along rather well now. So I'm happy, but at the same time I've my doubts. It's not so much of her, but more of me. So yeah... I've talked to her about them already. She's going to leave for New Zealand with her family for a trip this Friday, and won't be back till the 27th. Please pray that she returns safe and sound, together with her family =). Enjoy your trip!

I guess that's all for now... I feel at peace. At least for now... Take care people =).

Edit: I read The New Paper just before I was about to sleep. Just want to comment on some stuff about my fellow countrymen. It's good to participate in stuff like Singapore Idol, support the participants, and most importantly, give people who actually have talent a chance to make Singapore proud. The sad thing is, some people vote so much, and each vote costs $0.50, but they don't DONATE a single cent to charity. How helpful. Secondly, those crazed fans of Sylvester complained that the results weren't fair, because the voting figures weren't shown. Now it's released, and Taufik won by an overwhelming percentage, and the very same people are saying "I don't believe it." and shit like that. I respect both of them for even having the guts to perform on stage, but it's obvious who has more TALENT. If this was a show about looks, it would have been a modelling show, and not one to showcase singing talent. If this was a show about how cute someone's grin is, what's the point of singing? I personally know a large number of people who voted for Sylvester cause they found him cute. I won't be surprised if they didn't even watch his performance. Wake up. Of course, there're those who preferred Sylvester's to Taufik's voice and everything, so yeah, one man's meat is another man's poison. It's over already, just get over it and stop complaining. Another thing, spend some time to donate some of your money to charity. They'd appreciate it a lot.

20041127

PCB

What the fuck is wrong with you people? During holidays, no contact at all? As though that wasn't bad enough, I found out I'm one of the few who were left out. Never mind. Don't go too far, even as "FRIENDS". Read Maclean's post to know what I mean. Bullshit. Fucking sluts and bastards. Sleep together and create more people like you. Like me. HAHAHA. Love love love. My ass. Lust lust lust yeah! HAHAHAHA. For a girl you're going to throw away everything. How smart.

20041121

Timetable For Next Semester

It sucks. I've checked most of the CENT people already. Thanks to Asheeq for the link to check the timetables ^_^. I'm in class EC_2201, together with:
Maclean
Gregory
Roy


People in class EC_2202:
Andrew
Nicholas
Raj
Rayhan

For those in EC_2201, click this link to view what your schedule for next year will be like, ignore the CDS though ^_^.

20041117

Spyware Removal & Prevention

Step 1: "Blocking Unwanted Paraistes with a Hosts File"
Link: http://www.mvps.org/winhelp2002/hosts.htm

Alright, basically, go to this site, download the file, and follow the instructions. As quoted from the site:

What it does ...
The Hosts file contains the mappings of IP addresses to host names. This file is loaded into memory at startup, then Windows checks the Hosts file before it queries any DNS servers, which enables it to override addresses in the DNS. This prevents access to the listed sites by redirecting any connection attempts back to the local machine. Another feature of the HOSTS file is it's ability to block other applications from connecting to the Internet, as long the the entry exists.

You can use a HOSTS file to block ads, banners, cookies, web bugs, and even most hijackers. This is accomplished by blocking the Server that supplies these little gems. Example - the following entry 127.0.0.1 ad.doubleclick.net blocks all files supplied by the DoubleClick Server to the web page you are viewing. This also prevents the server from tracking your movements.


Step 2: Add Unwanted Sites To IE's "Restricted Zone"
Link: https://netfiles.uiuc.edu/ehowes/www/resource.htm

Same as step 1, just go to this site, READ IT, and download the file and follow the instructions. Short quote from the site:

IE-SPYAD adds a long list of sites and domains associated with known advertisers, marketers, and crapware pushers to the Restricted sites zone of Internet Explorer. Once you merge this list of sites and domains into the Registry, the web sites for these companies will not be able to use cookies, ActiveX controls, Java applets, or scripting to compromise your privacy or your PC while you surf the Net. Nor will they be able to use your browser to push unwanted pop-ups, cookies, or auto-installing programs on your PC.

Step 3: Install SpywareBlaster
Link: http://www.javacoolsoftware.com/

Get SpywareBlaster, update it, select "Enable All Protection".

The most important step you can take is to secure your system. And SpywareBlaster is the most powerful protection program available.

-Prevent the installation of ActiveX-based spyware, adware, browser hijackers, dialers, and other potentially unwanted pests.
-Block spyware/tracking cookies in Internet Explorer and Mozilla/Firefox.
-Restrict the actions of potentially dangerous sites in Internet Explorer.


Step 4: Get Ad-Aware
Link: http://www.lavasoftusa.com/

Install it and scan your PC and remove anything that's found.

Step 5: Get Spybot-S&D
Link: http://security.kolla.de/

Same as Step 4.

Step 6: Personal Recommendations/Thoughts
A:
Use Firefox. Get it from http://www.mozilla.org/

Why? Do a search on http://www.google.com/ and you'll know why.

B:
I personally visit the Wilders Security Forums. I found the links listed in steps 1 and 2 from there as well. Really nice place too.

Ending Thoughts
I wrote this after getting frustrated of the numerous calls I get a day regarding spyware. The stupid thing is, I tell them "I guess it's some spyware...", and before I can complete my sentence, they say, "BUT I HAVE NORTON ANTIVIRUS!" or "I have my FIREWALL and security settings all configured! It's impossible!" Please read up more... Before acting like you know everything.

... And it's like ten to twenty calls a day, regarding spyware. Sigh. I'll attain nirvana if I can tolerate this crap for one solid year.

There is a very good guide at DriverHeaven, which you can view HERE.

Alright, that's all. Have a good day! =)

20041116

Why...?

Damn it, I typed a long post and closed it accidentally.

Sigh. Anyway, here I go again...

Why can't I bear to see you cry even though we aren't a couple anymore...? Time and again, I've tried to let go of you. Just yesterday, I was close to letting go of you, but when I woke up today, my mind was once again filled with memories of you and me. With the sweet girl who was with me for 2 years. Sometimes I wish I can just walk away, and many times I've already did. But this time, you called me, and cried over the phone. You told me you still have feelings, that you wanted to be together. But at the end of it all, you said "my feelings are there but I feel they aren't strong enough to start a relationship". I don't understand, I really don't. It almost sounds like you're forcing yourself to be with me... I don't know what I want anymore. Damn. Since the last time I met you, I've been doing fine and going strong. At least I thought so. I spent the days sleeping, and the nights playing Counter-Strike and NFSU2 demo with D.A.S.H. Haha. Thanks guys. It was fun. Owning and getting owned in Counter-Strike is fun, challenging one another in that ONE AND ONLY circuit track in that NFSU 2 demo is fun. Time-trialling ourselves. Woohoo.

But then you called. Then I realised for that 3 weeks of so, I was really numb and cold inside. I guess I've turned my back on my emotions. I wish I could just turn and walk away. But I don't ever want to see you cry again. Maybe you and I are really from completely different worlds... Maybe your parents were right in not letting you be with me. After all, if you're an angel, I'm definitely a demon. Even then, I always thought I could protect you for who you are. Protect that naive innocent girl from the filth of this world. In the end, I'm the one who's filthy. Every time I think about your parents, I seriously wonder if it's ever possible for us to be together again... Girl, if I could turn back time I would. I really would. A relationship without trust is useless, a relationship without love... is even worse. To do things under obligation is really dumb. I'm scared of the pain too. For once, pain doesn't seem to help me realise anything. It's probably because I'm too heartless or something.

I don't know what I want
Neither do I give a damn
I only want to run away
Fly away to paradise
Death's only a second away
All it takes is a cut
A cut to the wrist
Is all it takes
Sit back and relax
Watch the blood flow
As I slowly fall asleep
An eternal slumber
Where I can be happy
With you, my girl
Even though...
All's a dream,
And I'm the nightmare.

And some people... Don't even take this seriously =). Don't come and "Lol" me. It's not funny, and it's insulting enough that you don't care. Please don't add to it.

20041114

Ice

I wake up with a splitting headache that throws me into an utter state of confusion. I went to bed feeling confused, now it's even worse. I'm getting colder each day, and for a while, I thought that would help me concentrate on what I really need first. I thought... But I have no idea now. I wish someone can melt the ice around my heart and wake me up. I don't even know what I feel anymore. The only feeling I"m sure of is anger, and frustration at myself. Every time I felt I was right, I'm proven wrong. Time and again I've made unnecessary judgements and statements. I'm probably going to let someone down again, hurt someone again. Ultimately, it's my fault. My stupid self. I don't even know what the hell I'm typing now. Don't even know or feel a thing, other than the headache. I just want to... Escape from everything sometimes.

Selamat Hari Raya to everyone! We're a multi-racial, multi-religious country, right? =)

20041113

For -

1.
If you really regard someone as your boyfriend, treat him with respect. Don't destroy his pride. He's literally thrown it away for you. He barely has enough cash for himself, yet he spends it on you. Do you even know about it? A little appreciation goes a long way. When I first heard about you from him, you sounded like a really sweet girl. Why the hell do you seem so different now? I wish I knew you personally, so I can actually help him right now. You don't leave a guy who goes all the way from home just to fetch you alone. You seriously think keeping quiet and showing that cold attitude of yours towards him will solve everything? He's trying so hard now, and you don't even give him any answer. I've no idea what exactly happened too, and I admit, I'm only writing this from what I've heard. All I'll say is, even if you don't respect him as your boyfriend, respect him as a human. When a stranger talks to you, basic courtesy tells you, you should reply. Tell him what's on your mind.

2.
This Wednesday you're going to meet her. All the best! Sorry if I seem like I'm playing with your mind, but I've been through similar stuffs, although your Her and my Her seems to have completely different attitudes. Just don't let yourself down, no matter what. Good luck =).

20041111

WHAT THE FUCK

http://mdn.mainichi.co.jp/waiwai/0201/020106moms.html

I have nothing to say. Read the article yourself. It's wrong no matter how I look at it. I've no idea how true or how credible the source is though... Hope it's false for once.

Bad Day For The CaveBots =(

Bah... =*(. That's all. Come on, let's be strong =).

I probably mean nothing to you, but you already mean something to me. Some things will never be, and I wasn't born with any power to change fate. Hope always fails. Thus, I've learnt to always expect nothing but the worst. This way, I'll never be disappointed, and can always be happy if something good happens. No matter how strong I become, a girl will always make me fall apart. I can still stand strong, but pieces of me are already crumbling away. Why? Why is it that no matter how hard I try, every single word from you softens me? Clubbing seems like the perfect escape for me... I don't know, really. I seriously hate myself sometimes. I'm practically being a puppet on purpose. Just to see you smile. A little appreciation goes a long way, a little honest will always prevent someone from getting hurt. The truth always hurts. Even then, it's better than being a fool by being lied to. I'm getting more emotionless each day. It's exhausting. I'm tired already. I wake up all the time with my mind completely jumbled up. Do you even understand?

The ceiling is my best friend at times. Ten years from now, will I still be like this? No, ten years from now, will I still be alive? Maybe... I should start living for myself. No, I already am living for myself. All this "suffering" is due to my own selfishness anyway. In the end, it's always my fault. It always has been. I'm the perfect imperfection. Flawed. I make myself laugh. Weak beyond words. Doing well academically means nothing, when I fail as a human. The puzzle's always incomplete. Always has been. With, or without you, it's all the same. Hell will always rage with fire. Burn... Burn my heart away and I can become a perfect human. One without unnecessary emotions such as sadness and worry.

We're always under the same sky, eh? When you're away in some place far away, look at the sky and remember me. When I'm in some place far away, I look at the sky and see the emptiness. Even with stars, it's... Still dark. Watch my walls with the blood stains on it, blood from me as I punch the walls every night desperately, trying to find an answer. I can never understand the pain of those who're suffering from terminal illnesses like cancer, but I'm sure the emotional strain on them is always... Much much more painful than the physical pain. Some of these people have more right to live than me. And sometimes, I feel I've more right to live than some people. Just... Sometimes.

Note: The above was written by someone not exactly in a right state of mind, and thus, some parts of it might be false. Might.

Yoga Power!

20041110

Things To Buy

Radeon 9600 Pro (If I've the cash, I would've bought a X800 or 6800 ^^)
BenQ 1620
Whey Protein
Shoes
Jeans

Bla bla. Sigh.

Yeah!

After lazing around for 1.5 to 2 weeks, I finally started working out again. Hehe =P. I'm so weak now =(, got to start all over again.

Interesting Site

http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/

Burning

Alright, so I woke up around 2pm and met Hilmi and Dian at 3.30pm or so. Dian had a fucked-up trip to Cash Converters. They didn't want to buy his scanner, and even worse, they said it's worth $5 at most. What the hell. Anyway, we went off to Sim Lim Square after that, where I bought 50 pieces of BenQ blank CD-R. Dian, after meeting Eugene, went to buy Steelpad S & S. For those who don't know what it is, it is a mousepad ^_^. Anyway, after that, we went to have dinner at McDonald's. For some reason, I have to fast together with Hilmi and Dian. Lol :P. After that, we all walked to Orchard. On the way, something disastrous thanks to me, happened. We were walking past Plaza Singapura, and playing around, as usual. Then I pushed Dian hard enough for him to fall into the pool of water by PS, and somehow he slipped and fell =(. His scanner got dropped in the process, and one of his fingers was heavily bruised, together with an injured hip and both of his knees =(. Damn. Sorry man. Thankfully, his beloved N-Gage QD was unharmed. However, he later on found out that his watch, given by his someone special, got a part chipped off =(. Damn it. Sigh. Anyway, we went to Takashimaya where Dian and Eugene went to find their friend. I can't remember his name, I think it was Cheung or something, but they all call him Huffy. After that, Dian went to find his someone special, while me and Hilmi simply sat in the middle of nowhere, outside a shop called Camper, in Takashimaya. The rest joined us later on, and we talked for quite some time, before making a move. Took bus 65 home, and there was this really fierce "ah beng", whose body weight is 50kg at most, with some tattoo, staring at me all the way till he got off. Probably thanks to Hilmi's comment :P. Anyway, it was so scary. LOL ^_^.

Anyway, got home and started playing CS with Hilmi, Dian, Eugene, and Huffy. Huffy left after a while, and I don't know who were those people that took over him. Anyway, I had a migraine the moment I wanted to play, and I'm having a fever now. Well, I guess it's time I fall physically sick after being emotionally sick for so long. Lol. This will stop me from thinking of unnecessary stuff for sure. Well, whatever's meant to be got to happen. If it doesn't, then I can only walk away, knowing I've tried my best. There's a fine line between love and sympathy, as Hilmi said. There's also a fine line between being friendly, and being flirtatious. There's a fine line between everything. And the finest line right now is the one between my sanity and my insanity. Nah, just joking =). Good night people, sweet dreams.

20041109

Wishing You... Asked

The topic has nothing to do with this post, don't bother... Anyway, I fell asleep around 5.30am or 6am just now, and I woke up around 7.15am thanks to an sms from someone. Seriously, thanks. I was having a really screwed up dream of Her. She was at my house, dressed in her school uniform and stuff. I don't want to elaborate on what happened. And in the dream, my house was exactly the same as the real house I'm living in... Even little things like the washing machine were the same. Anyway, my mother and sister were getting ready to leave the house in my dream, and my mother didn't like the idea that she was here. After they left, I went to her, and said something like "Everything's over, right?" Then she shouted and said "No! Go look at your drawers and what I've bought for you and stuffs." So I went, "But the last time we met, everything has already ended." Then she said something like "What exactly can I do?" Anyway, I asked if she has to go to school, and she said something like "Yeah, school started 29 minutes ago." In that dream, it was 9.29am. I've no idea why 29, but the date I got together with her was 28th June 2002. Interesting. Everything's so close to perfect, accurary-wise, but the date? Anyway, in that dream, when she said that I didn't know how to react. According to what I remember, I didn't have any feelings for her anymore. Moreover, when she said that, someone sms-ed me (in the dream). I never got to see who sent me the sms, as I didn't want to open it, fearing it was from *. Someone I like in the dream. She has a name, but it doesn't matter whether I type it out or not. So anyway, I woke up after REALLY getting an sms from someone. And I woke up feeling all dazed and dizzy. It felt so real. Thank goodness it wasn't... Some things will never be the same again. And now I'm fucking trying to get back to sleep, but the headache is killing me...

I go on playing the fool, just so we could keep in contact.

20041108

Sead! Lol.

Talked to this really friendly chap on the phone named Sead. He's 67, and he's from Italy. Really funny and he talks like a kid. Lol. Told me he's son's 29 years old and in Switzerland. He's been in Singapore for the past 18 years, and his son left Singapore at the age of 21. After a morning of irritating calls, this is one refreshing talk. His accent is a bit hard to catch though. Lol.

ON ANOTHER NOTE, this fellow colleague whom I shall not name is really irritating the hell out of me. I seriously think he's gay. Even Gregory thinks so. And he fucking held my hand while I was using the mouse, and stroked it. FUCK. I was like, "What the fuck is wrong?", so I simply stared back. Fuck it man. The other time I lost my earphones and he had it. He said he found it on the floor. Yeah sure. And instead of asking around, he simply kept it in his drawer =). Clever. I usually have nothing against homosexuals, but for fuck's sake keep it to yourself.

Jazz Jackrabbit 2

Lol. I played Jazz Jackrabbit way back when I was in Primary 3 or 4 on Windows 95. It was a really fun side-scroller. In fact, I think it's one of the best side-scrollers ever, for the PC. Anyway, I bought Jazz Jackrabbit 2 the moment it came out, and played it. It was fun, with much better graphics and whatnots. The highest graphic setting was 640 x 480 x 16. Haha =P. It's really fun, but I never completed the game with Spaz before. In part 2, there're two characters to choose from, Jazz and Spaz. Anyway, I installed it, and it actually works on Windows XP! Without any compatibility mode and stuff! I tried installing the original one, but it wouldn't run, giving me a "Runtime Error 200" message =(. I was planning on completing both during these holidays. Anyway, after reading up on some sites such as http://www.dosgames.com, I tried running Jazz Jackrabbit on DOSBox. It works! But the sound stutters =(. Gameplay is smooth though. So I decided on playing Jazz Jackrabbit 2 first, complete it with Spaz, then find a solution for that sound problem. It's really fun. Lol. I'm playing on Hard mode, and have so far cleared the first episode, and am halfway through the second. Side-scrollers are really fun, and they're so refreshing compared to the FPS games on the market nowadays. Too bad no one bothers making 2D games anymore =(. At least, not for the PC. With today's computers, we can really be playing an awesome 2D game... Great animations and whatnots. Anyway, here's a screenshot I took for no reason at all... Click on it for the bigger version.

20041107

Some Random Thoughts

This is directed at no one in particular, everyone in general...

Some people talk too much and think too little. Seriously, wake up. Don't act like you've seen everything in the world... =). No one will ever be able to do that. Maybe when you're like 60 years old or something you would've seen most of the world, but there're still bound to be things that shock/amaze you. Teenagers and young adults behaving like they've seen the whole world...? Get a life, step out of your house for once instead of simply believing in the papers or what you hear all the time. Talking about love and its meaning, when you don't even understand yourself. Meaning of love? I don't know. If there was one absolute definition for love, then why the hell do people still consider love a mystery. What love means to you is entirely up to the individual. To stereotype the whole of humanity with your definition of love is amusing. Really =). Not that yours makes any sense to me. Getting in and out of relationships... Achievement? Want an award for that? Why don't you take a look at how many hearts you've broken, how many bitches you've created as a result of your fucked up actions? Why don't you take a look at your studies, and work harder? If you can't even value friendships, I don't see how you can value someone you "love".

You say you love her. Then why the fuck do you do nothing about it? Sitting around and saying "I love her." means nothing. Love is just a word. Words are just words without actions. You want to win a girl's heart by sweet-talking? Go ahead. Be your "sweet" and "caring" self, only to reveal your true self and hurt the girl's faith in you completely after getting together with her. Actions speak louder than words, my friend. Why don't you try being yourself for once? Or do you not know who you are? All the sweet-talking and bullshit about loving someone, when all you wanted was a companion to share your sorrows with. All you wanted was someone to pity you. There's a fine line between loving someone and simply seeking companionship with someone. Don't mix them up. You might end up having sex with someone you only considered a friend, without realising it.

Giving up everything for someone you love? Dude, if she really loves you would you have to do that? Wake up. That amount of time spent on someone who doesn't appreciate a thing at all is better spent at some blood donation drive. At least you'll help someone, no doubt you remain anonymous. That's what helping is all about, right? Or do you want recognition and fame for it? Retarded POS.

When you judge others, you judge yourself. Similarly, right now most of you are thinking this is just an angry rant, that I'm a loser trying to make sense of what's happening around myself. Yeah, I'm trying to make sense of everything around me. Friends? But don't judge me when you don't even know me =). I've my reasons, and I'm sure my true friends can vouch for what I'm saying here.

On another note, while I was out with someone the other day, I heard something really stupid from her. She told me her friends who are attached start quarrels with their boyfriends when they feel the relationship is stale. Their reason? "When we quarrel, I know my boyfriend cares." WTF? This is literally playing with someone's heart. Why don't you FUCKING ASK HIM DIRECTLY IF HE CARES? You fucking start a quarrel, just to fulfill your selfish WANT? It's not even a need. FUCKTARD. Were you all born with your head stuck in your ass or something? Even worse, do you even have one? Are all girls this retarded? Sorry to all the sweet girls out there. Anyway, let me go on. This retarded logic of theirs is as stupid as some guys'. "If you love me, let us make love." HAHA. Yay. I love all of you pretty girls out there. You love me? What is this world coming to?

The word "love", among many similar words that WERE used to represent it, has completely lost its meaning. These words no longer mean anything... It's sad. Words I use to get only from my girlfriend... Are so common now... It's even worse when you know they don't mean shit...

And to someone... If you read this you know who you are. Don't say stuff like you'd rather run away than face the truth because it causes you pain. It really... Makes no sense =).

To Ache, good luck on Tuesday. HEHEHE ^_^. Glad to see things are going well for you =).

Screwed Computer

Lol, my computer is screwed both physically and mentally, well, logically. Take a look at the following pictures...

Dust stuck at the fan grille of my Antec Lanboy =(. Look at the scratches too, due to my stupid chair =(. I've cleared that insane amount of dirt already =).


WTF my monitor? It goes back to normal after you off and on it again.


Amazing black patch in my Add/Remove Programs. Lol. I've found the fix for this, but I'm too lazy to do anything =(.


Lol. And here I am planning to buy a new graphics card, and probably some Arctic Silver 5. I think my monitor will break down before anything though. Sponsors, please?

20041106

LOL

Came across this while browsing the internet just now.

Illegal Sex Acts

If you're offended, don't see =). Anyway it's really funny! =)

On a similar note, do a search for "oral sex in singapore" or something similar, and you can see funny results too. If you're lazy, here's a quick link. I gave a presentation on it before, it was fun seeing the teacher's shocked face. Hehe :P.

Fun...?

Basically, I slept at 11am and woke up around 5pm. I think Joven was playing NFSU and some other games while I was asleep. But when I woke up he was watching South Park. Lol. I think he watched some amazing game videos too, which I downloaded last night. I know some of you already know about this, but there're people who completed Super Mario 3 in 11 minutes, Half-Life in an hour and whatnots... Amazing stuff. Anyway, here's are some links where you can find and download "speedruns" of numerous games...

http://home.comcast.net/~arcthelad/
http://www.planetquake.com/sda/other/

So yeah. Basically it was a good day... I guess. Just saw the catalogue for Sony's year-end sale or something... Damn. A 128MB mp3 player costs $349... I can get two Creative ones with that kinda money. Too expensive! No doubt, the 70 hours battery life is amazing, but how true is it?

Anyway, there're some things I don't feel like mentioning. Just don't go overboard. There's a limit to everything. Don't cross the line. I won't let you step all over me, no matter who you are. I won't let anyone bring me down. This time for sure. So... Don't cross the line. Thanks.

Pete Murray - So Beautiful
Found myself just the other day
In the backyard of a friends place,
Thinkin’ about you,
Thinkin’ of the crowd you’re in,
What you up too where you been?
(Just thinkin’)

And all the clothes that you wear,
And the colors in your hair
Shouldn’t change you
Now you tell me why it’s so
You bigger than mighty Joe,
(At least you think so)

God my fingers burn,
Now when I think of touching your hair
You have changed so much that I don’t know,
If I can call you and tell you I care
And I would love to bring you down,
Plant your feet back on the ground

Throw my smoke down on the ground,
Turn my head and I heard the sound,
(That reminded me)
Of the days so young and sweet
Always so much fun to meet
(At least I thought so)

Now you think your so damn fine
You can rule the world no not mine,
I don’t think so

God my fingers burn,
Now when I think of touching your hair
You have changed so much that I don’t know,
If I can call you and tell you I care

Now the scene that you’re in,
And the people that you been with
Just get to me,
But you think I’m not as cool,
As you are so beautiful
Well who you fooling

Well I’m here to tell you babe
The game your in is just a game
So damn pretentious

God my fingers burn,
Now when I think of touching your hair
You have changed so much that I don’t know,
If I can call you and tell you I care
And I would love to bring you down,
Plant your feet back on the ground

You think you’re so beautiful
(So beautiful)


Source: http://www.anysonglyrics.com

:)

Mistake

It's 9.41am now and I haven't slept the whole night. Haha. Was supposed to meet Maclean and the rest yesterday, but I ended up sleeping all the way till 8pm. Sorry dudes =). I went to Boon Tiong's house around 11pm, and Joven came home with me around 3am or something I think. Boon Tiong and the rest had to work... So yeah. Joven's sleeping now though. Been sleeping since 5am I think. Nothing much to blog about. Actually, there's a lot of stuffs on my screwed mind right now, but I've no idea how to phrase out anything at all. All I know is, I've let down a lot of people so far, some who don't even deserve it. Sorry. To a certain someone, I hope you recover soon... =).

I've made so many mistakes in my life I doubt I can ever fully repent for them. But I'm still only 18, and there's still enough time to make up for at least some of them, I hope. I think I'll go on making mistakes though. This is stupid. For every mistake I correct, I end up making ten more at least. Great... It seems I can only hurt others, and never make them happy. People around me don't feel happy. I crack stupid jokes and no one laughs but myself. When I'm serious, I bring the mood of others down. Now I understand...

To protect someone, you may have to hurt others. But what if you end up hurting everyone? That's probably me =).

20041105

Playing With My Own Heart

Even as I know the truth, I go on living in the lie...

20041104

Please Forgive Me

It still feels like our first night together
Feels like the first kiss and it's gettin' better baby
No one can better this
I'm still holdin' on and you're still the one
The first time our eyes met - it's the same feelin' i get
Only feels much stronger - i wanna love ya longer
You still turn the fire on...

So if you're feelin' lonely ... don't
You're the only one I'd ever want
I only wanna make it good
So if I love ya a little more than i should...

Please forgive me - i know not what i do
Please forgive me - i can't stop lovin' you
don't deny me - this pain i'm going through
Please forgive me - if i need ya like i do
Please believe me - every word i say is true
Please forgive me - i can't stop lovin' you

Still feels like our best times are together
Feels like the first touch
We're still gettin' closer baby
Can't get close enough
I'm still holdin' on - you're still number one
I remember the smell of your skin
I remember everything
I remember all your moves - i remember you
I remember the nights - ya know i still do

So if you're feeling lonely... don't
You're the only one i'd ever want
I only wanna make it good
So if I love ya a little more than i should

Please forgive me - i know not what i do
Please forgive me - i can't stop lovin' you
Don't deny me - this pain i'm going through
Please forgive me - if i need ya like i do
Please believe me - every word i say is true
Please forgive me - i can't stop lovin' you

One thing i'm sure of - is the way we make love
And the one thing i depend on
Is for us to stay strong
With every word and every breath i'm prayin'
That's why i'm sayin'...

Please forgive me - i know not what i do
Please forgive me - i can't stop lovin' you
Don't deny me - this pain i'm going through
Please forgive me - if i need ya like i do
Never leave me - i don't know what i'd do
Please forgive me - i can't stop lovin' you


Source: http://www.bryanadams.com

Nice song ^_^.

I really want to know what's on your mind.

20041103

Losing Myself? Fuck It.

While I was worried about losing you, I lost myself.
Now that I've lost you, I can't find myself anymore.
Blame me for this ignorance, but ignorance is really bliss.
Truths are better than lies, but dreams are sweeter than reality.
I wanted to turn my dreams into reality, but dreams... are dreams.
So unreal. My life was a dream when I was with you.
Now I'm awake, back in reality. Where are you now?
The you I know no longer exists, only in my dreams do I see you.
They say it takes a lifetime to forget someone, is it really true?
I saw a dolphin soft toy just now, and the thought of you came to my mind.
Even now, when I feel no sadness anymore, I still can't escape...
The ghost of you...


Someday I'll disappear from your life completely. I've no idea what you want at all. I saw a little hope, a little future. But as I walk nearer to that ray of light known as hope, it disappears. So I try to walk away, but it lights up again, flickering. Yet a flickering flame is better than complete darkness, so I give it another go. But yet time and again, I hear things from my friends I'd rather not know. People I truly regard as friends not telling me things I should've known. Maybe the flame will completely extinguish someday. Make up your mind, please. The wax is melting away... When it's gone, all you'll see is a broken soul. A shadow of the candle that once stood tall. Why...? Is it fun toying with people? Maybe humans are really toys. Someday, I will try throwing away my conscience, and just enjoy. Being a fool... Isn't fun the moment you realise it. I've been a fool for too long. The glass is already shattered and broken, leave it alone... Why do you keep on trying to piece it together, only to give up time and again? Even now, I still see a little future, but I'm probably lying to myself. You and I are from completely different worlds. I'll simply fade away from your life as time goes on... Just like a candle melting away.

Anyway, thanks to Roy for the free chalet ^_^. It was fun :).

20041102

...

Don't fucking lower your own pride and dignity till the point you're no longer yourself just because you "love" someone. If it's truly love you should stay as who you are and accept each other. This bullshit is so sickening I want to puke everytime I see it. Don't throw away your life.

20041101

OMG Girl

On the way back from work, I kept on falling asleep even though I was standing, and that Gregory and Jessica were with me for about 1/2 the journey. Lol. Anyway, when I reached Aljunied, in order to stay awake, I called Hilmi and talked for a while. After we put down the phone, this really pretty girl came into the MRT. I think she's a year or two younger than I am, and OMG. Nice body, super sweet face. Nice breasts, seriously. No offense ^_^. Looks-wise, she's as perfect as I can think of. Wavy hair somemore, fair-skinned... Damn nice. Bah, it's just looks though. Got to sleep soon, really tired.

SMD MICHAEL

... I'm already tired enough and I'm trying to sound friendly and stuff, and this shit prick guy named Michael called. He says his printer is unable to work and shit, and there's no way I could determine if it was a hardware or software problem based on his LOUSY description. So I told him I'll get someone to call him back later, and you know what?

Michael: "Don't bullshit me la. You say call call never call one."

Me: "Huh?"

Michael: "My wife called 6 times you all never call back?"

Me: "Sorry, but I don't think I picked up any calls related to that. Tell me what's wrong."

Michael: "KA NI NA LA FUCK YOU."

Me: "Cool down and watch your words."

Michael: "Send someone over la."

Me: "If it's software you'll have to pay."

Michael: "Pay then pay la. Waste my time."

Me: "Sure, your name?"

Michael: "Michael."

Me: "Your serial number?"

Michael: "XXXXXX. Your name?"

Me: "Yuan Chin."

Michael: "You all making me frustrated, better call me by 5.30pm. Bye."

Me: "Bye."

If I wasn't working I would've punched your face fucker. Kanina your mother. Go fuck your own mother, don't fucking use vulgarities like this when you don't even know me. Irritating pile of shit.

:(

Tired at work. I can't sleep for the whole night :(. And now I'm working. I'm dead this time. Lol.

Damn it. Thankfully I've 1 litre of HL milk to accompany me. Milk rocks. Why the fuck am I smiling... Ten years down the road will I still remember Her? I hope so, that makes me human. I guess it's time to move on, move on, move on. Listening to "She Will Be Loved" right now. My system is the only one with speakers :P. And a wireless keyboard and mouse set too. Cool :D.

I don't mind spending everyday, out in the corner in the pouring rain...
Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay a while...
She will be loved, she will be loved...

Yeah? Anyway, the live acoustic version of this song is really nice too. "Always" by Bon Jovi is really nice. It's stuck in my head.

When he holds you close, when he pulls you near...
When he says the words you've been needing to hear,
I wish I was him, cause those words were mine,
To say to you till the end of time...
...
...
I know when I die, you'll be on my mind...

Bah, whatever. Yay, just talked to a really cute-sounding girl on the phone. So cute! Get the fuck out of this blog if you don't want to read it. Enjoy life while you can... :). Chat between me and Christa (really nice friend).

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
sigh sometimes i ask myself. let's say a girl initiates all the physical stuff and i do it and stuff with her, is it wrong?

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
or if i initiate it and the girl is willing

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
you tell me why would would firstly think its wrong k..

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
i dunno. i was raised to respect a girl's body u see

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
and i just feel it';s wrong

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
why tho would it be wrong though, like what makes it wrong, ....you enjoying her, or her enjoying the way your touching her... i think not my friend.. as long as you both understand completely thats firstly , pregnancies happen all the time... but othet then that dear, it isnt wrog just to go a a pace that both of yours are completly comfortable wiht

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
srry about my typing

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
i dun mean with someone i like, i mean just clubbing

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
to be honest with you... if it feels good just do it, as long as your comfortable then!!

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
i dunno deary, our cultures are so so different

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
well asians are conservative i guess

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
very, what would they say if i were there at 18 haveing first child "alone"

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
i dunno, personally i dun mind

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
and thats the way it was i raised lauren my eldest for 2 years before i met my dream man..

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
i think i view girls as competely innocent u see

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
lol

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
but yea..

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
so i hjate to physically "assault" them

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
they arnt

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
mind if i paste this chat in my blog?

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
its not like that at all, trust me, girls want to be touched, ...sure..

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
yea i know, but i dun like the fact . i prefer my dream world with innocent girls

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
our bodies were created for it,

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
our hearts weren't =|

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
to be adorned, with out women we would be nuthing.. (humanity)

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
wel it depends..

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
lack of sexuality breeds perverts i thinks

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
molesters and such

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
im not say ing in regards to you though... but

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
here in amerikka, its like that big time

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
yea i know

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
your not that young... you know i moved out of my mothers house at 14..

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
you are your ouwn being, you know whats best all parents and society can do it tyr to point you in the right directions or in some cases in the wrong direct..

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
i wished i was american at times..

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
i bet you do.. culture carries alot of baggage

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
big hug

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
but then in amerikka, you might have to be like me, moved out of your mothers house at 14 beacuse your mother does too much drugs and ect..

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
bah im just rambling hehe

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
sorry to have blabbed yer ear off lol

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
np girl

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
^_^

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
what time is it there>?

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
here 945pm

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
10.54am

[CaveBots] - ShuX says:
lol

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
woah

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
so wierd..

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
any new pics of ya?

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
wow im so so soooo tired i must go to bed, big day tomorow, must be up oohh tooo early... i always likes chit chatting with you, hang in there..

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
btw ive been wanting to ask you,, on my contact list all of my other contacts have like a litte red circle for there status,. and yours has a blue one instead, how come im highly curious

Christa =\ an interlude to tomorow says:
but u ca n tell me another day nite nite

Blogger =|

I've no idea if this post would be shown on my blog. I updated it numerous times and it doesn't show :(.

Anyway, was with Hilmi and Dian on the phone just now (conference). Dian was sleeping though. Lol. Talked to Hilmi about me and Her and everything. All the good times, yeah? Haha. Until the day I can smile when I think of the past, I don't think I've truly gotten over anything. I mean, there'll always be a little heartache, but I want to be able to smile. Got to work in like 4 hours, and I'm still awake. Bah, going to sleep now. Good night ^_^.

20041031

Sleep Is Good

Just woke up :D. Slept from 1am or something all the way till 4pm just now. Feel so refreshed now. I don't exactly feel sad or anything, probably numb already. Or maybe I've finally learned to "kan kai". Lol. I can't stop smiling for some stupid reason. I've no idea. Sleep is good, seriously. Thanks to Dian for the advice. Lol. Maybe it'll take a while for what happened yesterday to hit me. Bah, for now, let's enjoy. Good luck to Hilmi and Kelvin too :).

Dirty Phucks

Dian (heloo sexy babe ~) and Me (drknz - i'm like a bird):

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
CB shiok sia

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
the feelng

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
why

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
caveman

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
?

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
HAHAHAHAH

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
lol

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
nv bathe all?

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
if can no need la

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
SAME LA

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
chee bye

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
that time i champion

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
2 days nv bathe

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
sia la. duno got brush teeth or not

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
HAHAHA

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
AHHAHA WTF

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
i 4 days sia last time

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
8ix time

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
chee bye. how come i keep on smiling sia -_-

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
i match cs

drknz - i'm like a bird says:
WTF.

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
match cs

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
sleep

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
cs

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
wake up cs

heloo sexy babe ~ says:
no bathe no change shirt

20041030

Finale

She doesn't want to give us another chance, and I respect that. She's still really nice though. Hope everything goes well for her from here on. Take care, girl. I'll be cheering for you.

Happiness Within Sadness

Went out with Asheeq, Hilmi, and Dian yesterday. Not really went out, but I went to meet them after work. We ate at Burger King, and lots of shit happened. It all started with this auntie who took ASHEEQ's coupons from our table without even asking, I think. Then many stuffs happened, and Hilmi laughed till he opened his stupid mouth and all his food came landing on me. I wiped it off, and Hilmi helped too. After that, somehow, he and Asheeq started laughing. Hilmi managed to drop the tissue onto someone else's leg. Lol. Anyway, had lots of laughter, although I am really dead tired. The chest pain is subsiding, but it comes back once in a while.

After that, I got a call from Her, and I'm glad she tried. But the answer is not a yes, nor a no... She still wants time. I suppose I need more time too. Lots of things going through my mind now. Rather, I don't know what's going through my mind now, I guess I'm really lost.

Bah. Guess I'll play some more CS with them later...

Good luck to all taking supplementary papers next week! Study hard, never give up!

20041029

Emotions

Love is something that can make you smile, no matter how bad your day was. It can also make you cry, no matter how good your day was. Doesn't matter how many friends are by your side. Even if they're sincere, you can only save yourself from the hell that comes from breaking up. To let go is one thing, to run away is another. Which one is it? You don't know. Letting go and running away. What's the difference? When one's mind is pushed to the limit, how sure can he be? You only think you're letting go. You don't know. You only think so. Right, YC? All you are feeling right now is numbness. Everything feels perfectly right and wrong at the same time. You don't even know what you want. Don't even know who you are. Pain? You laugh when you feel pain. You don't want to be reminded of the weak you. Pain makes you learn, it helps you grow. Be proud of the scars you carry, be it a physical or mental one. Live life like you know nothing. And learn. Learn throughout your life. Humans will always make mistakes. We're imperfect. You thought you had let go, didn't you? But every time you talk to her, you feel like you can make the past come true again. Is that what you really want? Just one more try? You say yes, you want. Is it worth it? She's going to answer you tonight.

Fear engulfs you. Just like the strong live, the weak die. If your heart is weak, you get played like a puppet. Even then you won't retaliate. Because of love? Or because you are so weak you can't even hurt anyone at all? What do you really want? You can't answer, for all you feel is emptiness. Numbness. You try facing the facts but you still feel nothing. You try asking your heart, but you don't find it anywhere. Either that, or your heart has given up on everyone but yourself. It no longer beats, or cares for anyone. You are weak. You should die. Is that what you feel? Are you fooling yourself? You can't answer. You don't want to let anyone down, but how many times have you let yourself down? You only put on a strong front. You crack jokes with others. You smile, you laugh. When working, everyone finds you friendly. But deep down inside, you aren't smiling. You're but a shadow of your former self. Future? You don't even care. So what if you do well for your studies? When in the end, you only celebrate alone. You share the joy with your friends, but the feeling of sharing it with someone special just isn't there. You miss the feeling, but do you miss that person? You miss that person, but do you still love that person? You love that person, but do you think it's still worth another go? A glass, once broken, will never be returned to it's initial state. Yes, with some God-given creativity, you will be able to glue it back in such an amazing way that it actually looks BETTER than it was. But what are the chances?

You find solace in working out. Carrying weights. But how long are you going to escape? You're already lost, yet you keep wandering further from yourself. Away from your friends and family. Solitude is what you ultimately seek, yet you fear loneliness. Loneliness is scary, isn't it? The feeling that your existence is meaningless, the feeling that you're completely useless. Even a shadow has more uses than you. If you become strong and powerful, you will surely destroy. It's better that you remain a weakling, because you will never have the heart to hurt anyone, no matter how much he or she deserves it.

Once again, will you throw away your heart? You want to if you can, don't you, YC? You can never make a girl happy. But you can't throw away the facts. The fact that even till now, you still believe that love exists. And you want to feel it once more, even though you fucking don't deserve it. And fucking stop talking to yourself.

Pivot @ Work





Some fucking bastard just called and lost his temper without even thinking. He told me to work smart, not work hard, when all I did was ask for his name and telephone number.

The reason "It's in the case number, why must you ask?"
My reply? "You might have wanted us to contact you at another number."

Shut the fuck up. You've no right to insult me. Look who you are talking to =).

Physical Heartache

I slept around 8.30pm, and just woke up. Throughout the sleep I've been having some pain in my chest :(. Bah. Never mind. I made some nice Pivot animations while at work yesterday. Might upload them later ^_^.

20041028

Sick :(

Well here I am working and feeling extremely tired physically and mentally. Talking to customers is fun though, but I've to stop myself from sleeping. Nearly vomitted for like 5 times already, since morning. Interesting. Alright, see you people later. I'm going to sleep when I get home.

Edit: Great, I fell asleep.

Lost Lamb

I don't understand myself at all, really. I don't want to hurt anyone of you, and I don't even know... What I really want anymore. Whatever happens from here on, if I hurt you, I'm sorry. Sorry, really. Sorry my heart's so fucking soft, I can't even make up my mind. Sorry if I lead you on. Sorry, and thank you for everything.

I've been moving forward, while looking backwards all the time. I never really let go of anything before. The memories, they're still fresh. The wounds, they're still healing. Every time they heal, I'll somehow open the wound again, willingly. Pain is what I deserve. Hurt makes me learn more.

I'm greedy. I don't want to lose anything. But I can't have everything. Either way, I'll end up hurting someone. Someone, who doesn't deserve it at all. It's not about you, it's about myself. I don't even know if I still have any feelings for you, but talking to you makes me very happy. I still miss the past. I don't mind having it back. I miss everything about you. I never realised how much you meant till you left.

Dian said I'm kind, but I'm not. I'm simply a useless guy who always lets his heart controls his mind, completely irrational. Maybe I deserve to be hated. Sometimes, suicide isn't an option sometimes. It happens to be the only way. But there's so much more to life. I won't mind dying, if my life can be given to someone else. Maybe prolong someone's life by 20 years or something. I'm sure he or she can make that 20 years more meaningful than I can.

I'm working soon, in 3 hours' time. Haven't slept the whole night. Been thinking through, and still no answer. Once again, I created my own hell. And no, this post isn't for just one person...

20041027

20041026

Playtime Is Over... :(

Alright, time to write some serious stuff out... While I was talking to her just now, I felt happy. I don't know why. She's always able to make me happy, somehow. The way she talks, the way she laughs, her comments and everything...

Even though we've broken up, a part of me still wants to protect her somehow. Protect her from all the filth in this world... It seems that I ended up corrupting her and hurting her though... Deep down inside, maybe I never really let go of her before. She says she's been talking to this guy who's a flirt recently. Just hope nothing goes wrong...

I'm seriously not in a mood to do anything now... Death seems peaceful at times...

Meeting her this Saturday, going to give her a surprise... Make her happy, at least one last time...

PIVOT ROCKS

Lol, I spent the past 2 minutes or so on Pivot again, and came up with this:



On a more serious note, I was talking to my ex-girlfriend for the past 1 hour plus or so... She's doing fine, and I'm glad to hear that... :). Had a good chat, some laughs here and there... Anyway, when we were about to put down the phone, I really wanted to say the things we used to say... Things like "Take care, Darling." etc. But it's over already... So yeah...

Download Pivot and have fun :).

Edit: I CAN'T STOP PLAYING PIVOT!

Yay.



I just realised that Firefox plays the gif below at a much faster speed, and it looks nicer... Don't know how to change the settings though. It's supposed to be 0.01s per frame but it looks so damn slow... :(.

Boredom

Was browsing the Neowin forums when I came across this thread about making your own stickmen gifs. Click here to view the thread. Anywhere, spent some time with the program, Pivot, to make "Y"! Haha. Here's it:



Pretty stupid. Anyway, you can get Pivot here.

Lots of things are running through my head now... Sigh... Maybe I should start a new life... Go clubbing, hook up girls, enjoy. Or something... I don't know.

The Day Before

Dian came my house around 2.30pm or something, and we were supposed to go to Kelly Services (some working agency) to apply for the job at Boon Tiong's workplace. Boon Tiong told me his boss already said it was ok, and all we had to do is apply and whatnots. So before we left, I gave this person working at Kelly Services a call. He said it's not possible for us to work till just the end of November. He wanted us to work till the end of December. When I went on to tell him what Boon Tiong's boss said and stuff, he gave me a "No". Not only that, he was really sarcastic. Fucking hell. Thankfully I still have a job at Acer.

In the end, I went back to sleep while Dian played CS on my computer. I gave Boon Tiong a call, and he said he would call me again but he didn't. Guess he's too busy :(. Dian left my house around 5pm, and I slept till 6pm. Gave Andrew a call and found out they were in the CENT room. Met them in Tampines at 7.20pm for dinner. Andrew went home after that, leaving only me and Rayhan. We went to 77th Street as I wanted to buy a cap. After that, I saw Dian and Hilmi. I asked Rayhan to join us but he had to go home. So it's left with Dian, Hilmi, and me. We walked around somemore, and Dian bought some air freshener stuff for his room. Can't remember the brand. Lol. Then we sat somewhere outside Century Square, after getting Big Gulp, and started talking. I can't remember if it's before or after that, but we went to Challenger and saw $42 outside! At the top of the escalator that was going down. All 3 of us was stunned, and just when we went to pick it up, the security guard took it and called someone in front of us. He asked if it's his money, and that guy said yes. I DON'T BELIEVE THOUGH. He looks so stunned, and he didn't even check his pocket or his wallet. Fuck. We got robbed, literally. Anyway, we walked around searching for money after that, as we had nothing better to do. Back to the chatting session, Hilmi and me talked about lots of stuff relating to our previous relationship. Lol. Sad yet funny. Had some really good laughs. Dian simply sat there and listen :P.

After that, we walked around somemore, looking for money. Then Dian and Hilmi came up with this stupid idea to push the McDonald's statue down. And they did it. After that, we all ran, with me going first :X. Haha. Poor McDonald's. Dian was excited enough to literally push it without any support. Luckily, Hilmi supported it down, and no loud noise was made as a result. Went on looking for money and whatnots, talked somemore, before we all left. I went home, while Hilmi went to Dian's house. Haha. Been a long time since I enjoyed a night this much ^_^. Really fun.

20041025

YC

When with Maclean and the rest of the CENT people, he's bossy and has a serious attitude problem. He tries to be nice at times but gets really frustrated easily. Insane urge for power and control. Tends to disturb Gregory too much. He's almost like a toy. He knows it's wrong. Sorry Gregory. Shows serious attitude problem to Maclean at times, although Maclean has a perception problem too. Treats everyone else fairly ok, although his temper really sucks to the core.

When with Kelvin and the rest of the "hia dis", and Alan and Fatimah, he's like a small boy. Often laughed at for being clumsy. Has a short temper to most of them too. Often does stupid coin tricks and useless magic stuff to amuse others, although the only one laughing in the end is himself.

When with someone he really likes, he's a complete loser. Heart over mind, completely irrational. Does things on impulse, no sense of direction. Instead of being concerned, he's worried. Instead of being protective, he's doubtful.

I'll add more to it when I think of more. Bye.

Random Rant

I'm so damn tired of everything already. Give me a break. I'm going to start work at Boon Tiong's workplace on Tuesday. Money. Nothing else matters for now. I hate this fucked up life I've right now. Doing nothing everyday. Nothing at all. Working out is good, but I can't fucking work out for 24 hours a day. 2 hours at most, 1 hour usually. The rest of the time is spent either sleeping, or slacking. Nothing else.

I don't understand anyone or anything anymore. It's so hard to understand someone else, even when I'm trying my best. I don't know what else to type already. May peace be with me. Good night.

But everything I got closer to you, you ran further away...
I only live in my dreams... In the real world, I'm simply a living shadow.

20041024

Undecoded Message

Maclean would know what the title means. Haha =(. Anyway, spent the whole of Saturday sleeping. Wanted to workout, but was too lazy. Went to Boon Tiong's house around 8.30pm for some stuff. Don't know how to explain it, but yeah =). I also tried to fix up Boon Tiong's computer, but that damn CD I brought wasn't working! Anyway, I remembered lots of stuff when I saw Boon Tiong and Jie Ping behaving so lovingly ^_^. Kelvin came to my house after that, and he's currently sleeping. USING MY BLANKET AND PILLOW TOO. Damn. I spent the past hour or so playing N, and I'm still stuck at Level 7, Epuisode 3. Argh!

Just got an sms from someone who just woke up from a nightmare. Lol... :P.

Bah, I should sleep soon... Got to go to Jie Ping's house (with Boon Tiong, of course) later to reinstall her Windows... Too much spyware. Lol... :(.

20041022

Examination Results

Just got back my results. Sigh. Two B+ to spoil everything for me... :(. Anyway, good luck to everyone else! To those taking supplementary papers, don't give up! Work hard for them and pass, then next year we all can slack together again :D. Today's work at Acer was very fun. I spent most of the time playing N, and pausing it when people called in. Even Eric asked me what game it was. Lol. He was saying that it's good to relieve stress. MACLEAN sucks at N. He's stuck at Episode 1 Level 0 for like forever. For your info, the game starts from Episode 0, with each episode having 5 Levels (0 to 4). I played till Episode 4 Level 4 today, before I got tired. After all, I'm already at Episode 7 Level 3 (on my personal computer). Maclean sucks though. He takes 20 minutes to pass each level :P. Alright, his computer sucks too. Jerky like hell.

Shit of the day: Got a call from Roy telling me Singapore just banned the usage of BitTorrent... WTF... Trying to find news on it now.

20041021

Human Nature - Cruel

You can say love's forever
And find it never stays
In you I've recovered
The one thing that must remain

I'm tired of a world undone
I've figured out you're my setting sun

CHORUS

It's cruel
The way I'm needing you
I guess I'll play the fool
It's my heart, not my mind and it's taking over
Cruel
Suddenly it's true
No longer can I choose
It's in you I'm defined and there is no other

Oh it's Cruel
Oh it's Cruel

I can hold back emotions
Get lost in a maze
But this urgency tells me
I just can't refrain

Dreams have come and passed me by
But now it's time to redefine

CHORUS

I've seen it come and go so many times
But this is critical - the truth I can't hide
And I don't know why

CHORUS


Nothing much happened today. Lazy to blog. On another note, I'll be working at Acer tomorrow. Helpdesk. Lol :D. Money money! Good night people :).

Idiotic Me

Fuck. I quarrelled with my mother yesterday over the stupidest of things. Feel like shit now. Damn. My father gave me $50 yesterday, so I could buy a 5ft barbell. So off I went to buy, with Tiong Guan. I've no idea what my sister told my mother, but the next thing I know, my mother gave me a call and scolded me for wasting money and stuff, and for asking money from my father time and again... I didn't even have a chance to explain anything. My parents are divorced, and I've no idea why my mother doesn't like it when I ask money from my father. I seldom do that, yet :(. Maybe she still cares for my father. Probably. Anyway, I ended up shouting at her over the phone. Sigh. My fucking temper... Ended up not talking to her for a night. As usual, I'm still awake, and it's like 7am already. She just woke up, and we barely talked. She's already under a lot of pressure from working and stuff, and I just added to it. FUCK.

Anyway, the barbell itself weights 9kg to 10kg or something I think. Add around 20kg of weights to it and it's around 30kg. Very nice for doing bicep curls. Working out really relieves a lot of stress, much better than punching walls. I used to do stupid things all the time when I'm down. Burn stuffs up, punch the walls. But it's stupid. You will ask yourself why later on. On the other hand, working out helps you improve yourself. Fitness and health. I've to make full use of my weights, to show my mother I'm not wasting money ^_^.

My mother just left for work. She talked to me. Yay. Currently talking to Hilmi on MSN Messenger. He also down :(. Been a long time since I talked to him. Alright, guess I got to go now. See you all around. Take care! Like the new music? Soothing right?

20041020

Listen... Just Listen To Me... For Once.

After talking to Joven and Kelvin just now, I realised both of them are more or less in the same situation as me. Whatever I'm going to type now will be 100% honest. I didn't want to accept all these initially, but after reading Dian's blog just now, I guess I'll just be honest to myself. Since the day I lost her, my ex-girlfriend, I have never really passed a day without thinking of her. In a way, I can't really forget about her. What about her? I don't know. Everything, I suppose. In another way, I've moved on, there're other people I... Honestly think I like a lot. Sorry girl, for answering "No" when you asked me if there's anyone I'm interested in right now. There is someone I've really taken a liking to, but a part of me still longs for the past sometimes. And it wouldn't be fair to anyone at all, the way I am right now.

I'm thankful you sms-ed me just now, to ask how I am. My friends are probably going to say I should just move on and stuff. I've moved on already, really, I have. Maclean always says you're no longer the same girl you were, and stuff. I wonder. And whether the answer is a yes or no, it doesn't matter anymore. All I want to remember are the happy times we had, and move on. I want to be able to smile when I think of you, even though you are no longer here with me. I still remember what you've done, or did, not just for me, but for my friends.

- When you went to Malaysia, you bought a wallet and a T-shirt, one for Poh Tiam, the other for Kelvin.
- You went to find the advertisement and location of a shop which makes rice pendants cheaply for Maclean.
- When Alan took part in a singing competition, you kept on reminding me to wish him good luck.

The list goes on... The things you did... You were really nice. I guess that's what makes it so damn hard to forget you. So, just one more time, thank you for the times we had, if you ever read this. I'm looking forward to the date, just to see how you are =).

While I was with you, I neglected many of my other friends. Not Maclean and the rest, but Kelvin and my other old friends. This is one of the greatest mistakes I've made... And I'm sorry. Thanks to all of you who stayed by my side, although Kelvin is a little gay at times ^_^.

I was feeling really down just now, especially after talking to Joven -_-. He's a bad influence. Lol. Thankfully, I got an email from one of my teachers asking me to do some things, and in the moment, I remembered my priorities. What Dian said in his blog is true, we don't have time to waste in this life. Moreover, I've always felt I wouldn't live long. No idea why :(. I hope I live till at least 65... Or something. All I want to do right now is find some peace within myself, and make someone happy. Not anyone, but a special someone.

By the way, anyone of you have any information on the group CAGNET? They seem to have some nice music, but I can't find information on them anywhere :(.

Edit: Changed the music to "Cagnet - Close To You"

20041019

I... Should Just Kill Myself

Met Maclean, Nicholas, and Andrew in Tampines around 1pm today. Sorry dudes, I'm late, AGAIN. Very tired, due to lack of sleep :(. They even waited for me so we could've lunch together =\. Sorry. Anyway, went to school after that (without Nicholas, he had bowling) for badminton. It was fun, playing with Andrew, Tiffany, Maclean, Roy, Wayne, Thiong Ming, Wai Kit, Larry, and his brother, Harry. No pun intended. Sorry if I left out some names, can't really remember. Anyway, my badminton sucks now. Can't even hit it where I want it to go. Still, it was fun ^_^.

After that, we all went to the CENT room for a bit of slacking. I fell asleep while the rest of them played "daidee" -_-. I've been getting really sharp pains in my lower back recently. No idea why. Not so much of pain, but really intense muscle aches. Sigh. I didn't even train my lower back... :(. Anyway, after that, Andrew, Maclean, Wayne and me went to McDonald's for dinner. Got an sms from my ex-girlfriend, asking me how I've been doing. The date with her is still on... 30th October I guess. I'm surprised... Seriously. Sometimes I think a part of me is still holding on to the past dearly. I hate it... Still miss the girl who was with me for close to 2 years sometimes. I seriously hate myself for my actions back then, so... Weak. No dignity, no pride. Anyway, girl, take care =). Hope a better person comes along for you one day.

Came home after dinner, and fell asleep. Woke up to sms someone but no reply =(. Lol... See you people later, take care =).

Roxette - It Must Have Been Love
Lay a whisper on my pillow,
leave the winter on the ground.
I wake up lonely,
there's air of silence in the bedroom
and all around
Touch me now, I close my eyes and dream away.

It must have been love but it's over now.
It must have been good but I lost it somehow.
It must have been love but it's over now.

From the moment we touched, 'til the time had run out.
Make-believing we're together that I'm sheltered by your heart.
But in and outside I've turned to water like a teardrop in your palm.
And it's a hard winters day, I dream away.

It must have been love but it's over now.
It's all that I wanted, now I'm living without.
It must have been love but it's over now,
it's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows.


Source: http://www.lyricstime.com/

Kitaro - Koi

Kitaro's Koi is a really soothing and peaceful piece of music. If you want to hear it, drop me a message on MSN and I'll send you ^_^. Anyway, nothing really much happened yesterday... I woke up around 3pm, after getting a call from Andrew to play soccer in school. Slowly prepared, had some food, and left house around 4.30pm. Reached school around 5pm, and played till 7pm or so... :). Went to KFC after that with Andrew, Roy, and Rayhan, and ate the Orietal Salad, AGAIN. No appetite, no idea why. Played Outrun after that, and didn't win a single time. Lol :(.

Anyway, I just want to write about some stuffs... Damn. Listening to Koi is bad :(. Makes me think of unhappy stuffs. I do that everytime I'm at peace. Lol. Just going to rant about some stuffs, directed at no one in particular, everyone in general.

Some people are so damn fake, and they don't even realise it. They've to put on a mask all the time. When mixing with people from a particular clique, they behave in a completely different way when mixing with yet another clique. For fuck's sake, be yourself. It's so fake. Then there're also those who behave like idiots all the time, so people can laugh along with them. I respect that, if you truly do that just to make your friends happy. But what about yourself? You behave like this, yet you post completely DIFFERENT stuffs on your blog. Please, I'm not blind, just short-sighted.

Then there're also friends of mine who go around breaking girls' hearts, time and again. They say they want to change, but I don't see any effort at all. All you can do is sweettalk, win her heart over, then break it. Fun? The girl is suffering in silence. In spite of the pain, she still wishes you well, asks how you are all the time. While she's doing all that, you go around chasing another girl. Diving in and out of relationships is fun, eh? You give love a bad name, seriously. I treat you as a friend, time and again, I talked to you about it. Have some fucking respect for others. Destroying someone else's faith in love. What's the use of having a relationship when you aren't even sure of anything? Curiosity? Someday that curiosity will kill you, as the saying goes. And love is surely blind. Those who are being sweettalked to don't even realise how shallow the love is, if there is even any love at all. Lust is the word, not love. Just admit you fucking like his/her looks. Nothing else. There're many others caring for you out there, but you don't even care. You only pay attention to those you're interested in, and when you get rejected, you fall back on your friends. BE THANKFUL your friends are there. They shouldn't be there. Not when you neglect them like this. Conscience... Where's yours? For every heart you break, you end up hurting and making everyone around her worry. Just to add to your collection of "ex-girlfriends". But deep down inside you're weak. Weaker than I can ever be. Because you can't even be yourself. For every different girl you chase, you put on a different mask. So who the fuck are you?

Was talking to Joven online just now and he's really down right now :(. Hope he cheers up soon... ^_^.

Anyway, I've been listening to Roxette's Vulnerable recently... Here're the lyrics...

Everywhere I look I see her smile
Her absent-minded eyes
And she has kept me wondering for so long
How this thing could go wrong.

It seems to me that we are both the same
Playing the same game
But as darkness falls this true love falls apart
Into a riddle of her heart.

She's so vulnerable, like china in my hands
She's so vulnerable and I don't understand
I could never hurt the one I love
She's all I've got
But she's so vulnerable
Oh so vulnerable.

Days like these no one should be alone
No heart should hide away
Her touch is gently conquering my mind
There's nothing words can say.

She's coloured all the secrets of my soul
I've whispered all my dreams
But just as nighttime falls this vision falls apart
Into a riddle of her heart, yea.

She's so vulnerable, like china in my hands
She's so vulnerable and I don't understand
I could never hurt someone I love
She's all I've got
But she's so vulnerable
Oh so vulnerable.

Don't hide your eyes...

Source: http://www.seeklyrics.com/lyrics/ROXETTE/Vulnerable.html

Alright, time to go. Good night everyone :). Teenage Mutant Ninja Bunny! Lol :P.

Edit: Title changed from KITATO to KITARO. Sorry. Thanks to Kelvin for noticing.

20041018

Euphoria

Lol. Was playing this game called "N" just now. It's a 2D game. But it's very fun :P. Download it here. Do play it ^_^.

Watched Inu Yasha episodes 166 and 167 just. The anime has finally ended, but the story hasn't :(. It'll be continued in the manga. Sigh :(. Nice show. I didn't realise how long the show has been running until the end. It's 4 years! Haha :P.

Ok, for some retarded reason I feel happy now, thus the title of this post. Anyway, any of you played any real fun games recently? I don't care how old the game is ^_^. Please let me know. I'm dying from boredom :(. Hope I can start working soon... If Acer doesn't call me I'm screwed :(.

Bah. Please get well soon, you know who you are :). Hope you get to read this soon ^_^.

20041017

Great Sleep. Maybe...

Thanks to Dian, I ended up sleeping at 7am or something :P. He went on playing Counter-Strike: Source, and whatnots, all the way till I woke up at 11.15am. Lol. I was supposed to meet Chin Ming, Roy, and Jin Yuan at 11am at Bedok Swimming Complex. To swim. Lol. So I quickly prepared and left sometime around 11.30am or something. Reached the swimming complex at 12pm... Left around 1.30pm. Basically that's it. Reached home around 2.30pm, and slept.

I dreamt of many things just now, some nice, some not. I know for sure the last dream, as far as I can remember, before I woke up, involved my ex-girlfriend. It felt so real. Anyway, Dian was supposedly at my house in that dream, and I was sleeping (in the dream). Then my handphone rang and it was my ex-girlfriend. Dian woke me up, passed the handphone to me, and my ex-girlfriend wished me good luck for the coming examinations. The next thing I know, I'm awake. Really weird... Come to think of it, she's probably having, or going to have, her examinations soon. Anyway, it was a good sleep nonetheless, save the last dream. Actually it's also sweet, just that it's over... Dreamt of some stuffs that I wished were real... :(.

Since I've time right now, just going to write something... There was this girl I knew back... She's impossible to understand. She cried when her hamster died, cried when she quarrelled with her friends, but she breaks guys' hearts like nothing :). Lol. She probably doesn't even feel a thing. Changes boyfriends like nothing too. Don't fucking... Call it love.

Guess that's it for now, take care people :). Will add more if I can :).

Damn it I think I just got someone into trouble by sms-ing too much :(. Sorry. Hope you have a good sleep, although you probably won't see this...

20041016

Eternal Dumbness

Went out with Maclean, Andrew, Jin Yuan, Roy, Gregory and Jessica today. Met them late, as usual. It's a hidden talent of mine to wake up late somehow. Even if I wake up early, I end up meeting people late. Even the cab doesn't help! Haha. Anyway, we played air hockey, and we were really violent. Actually I wasn't violent, but somehow I hit it hard enough for that damn thing to fly and hit an innocent girl on the head. Lol. I ended up apologising. Everyone who was involved had a good laugh. Well well. Girl, I've no idea what your name is, but if by some chance you see this, SORRY! Haha.

After that we watched White Chicks. Really funny movie. Had a good laugh. Basically that's it. No idea what else to type. I'll update or something when I feel like it. Take care people :).

Edit: Dian is even dumber. He's stuck at some bus-stop near his girlfriend's house, and has no cash to take a cab home. So I told him to take a cab to my house, and I'll pay for him. Lol, be thankful I sold my XBox :P. Waiting for his call now. Lol. DUMB FUCK :X.

Remembrance

I spent last night thinking through lots of stuff... Going through all the stuffs I can remember. It's interesting how much I've changed, and not changed. Things that were fun and stuff seem so boring now. Things that felt right now feels wrong. Haha. When you're young all you do is enjoy, without caring about the consequences. I'm still young, and I still do that at times I suppose. Just not as much as the past. Life is a paradox. Feels so long and boring at times, yet before you know it, 2 years have passed. And then it's too late to change anything. Too late for regrets.

I thought about what I really wanted in life, and why shit happens to me for no apparent reason at all. What exactly did I do wrong to deserve this crap, and what did I do right... Bla bla bla. I probably did lots of wrongdoings as a kid, some I shouldn't even tell anyone. Some of these can't even be forgiven. That's probably why I'm facing all these crap now. Yeah :). I do deserve them after all. Guess I got to stop whining and complaining. After that, it's my mistake. Just want to spend the rest of my life making up for all those mistakes... Make someone happy... Etc.

But then again I might not even deserve the right to do that. Yeah. Life rocks, I suck. Sometimes all I ever wanted to do was protect someone I like, or love if you want to put it that way, but all I ever do is end up irritating or hurting them. My parents all say I seem very cold from the outside, so cold that I'm unapproachable at times. Even my ex-girlfriend, and some of my friends say that. Haha. I don't feel any warmth in myself too. Bah. I try to care, be concerned, but all I ever do is irritate. Maybe this is a selfish world after all. Care only for yourself, no one else. Don't help unless asked. Is this the way to lead my life? This is selfish, and stupid...

And some of you are probably thinking I'm crapping, suit yourself.

Was reading the Bleach manga yesterday, when I saw this saying.

Unless I grip the sword, I cannot protect you.
While holding the sword, I cannot embrace you.


How true and meaningful... :)

Anyway, finally sold my XBox, and bought another 20kg of weights (4 x 5kg), and a pair of ankle weights, each weighing 2.27kg. Bought it at Parkway Parade with Tiong Guan. Still left with enough money to survive, and hopefully get someone something... I still have to by a 5ft barbell, and a pull-up bar. Sigh, that would set me back another 60 to 80 dollars. Bah. I've no life anyway, might as well start working out more... Too skinny :(. Need a job soon. Wonder how's everyone else doing... I feel so disconnected from this world. Solipsism, eh...? Haha. Everything's an illusion? I wish. Not.

Here I am drinking my troubles away
There you are kissing your new boyfriend
How am I going to pass another day
When I can't even begin to comprehend

Crappy writing from me, once again. Boredom is a dangerous feeling. Causes the mind to wander off and think of unnecessary stuff. Ignoring the important things, and focusing on the minor things in life. Yeah, I'm bored.

Before I forget, just want to post about a REALLY RETARDED friend of Roy. I didn't hear about it until today, but from what I've gathered, their conversation went something like...

Retarded Friend: Hey you should come to City Harvest Church with me...?

Roy: Why?

Retarded Friend: You don't believe in God, and I can sense the darkness in you.


Come on, I respect all religions, but telling someone he has darkness in him is absolute bullshit. I believe that evil stuffs and etc. exist, but you're saying you've NO DARKNESS in you? Roy must have suffered a lot, after being insulted by you. Lol. Sorry to all the truly devoted Christians out there, no offense :).

Lastly, I saw this really cute girl wearing a gray shirt on 38 today. Even Tiong Guan said she is cute. She's really cute. She sat at the last row, with her friend. I was standing initially, but there was enough space later on at the last row for me. So I went to sit, carrying 10kg of weights in one hand, and wearing the ankle weights. I was worried about hitting others, so I tried to be cautious and stuff. Anyway, the moment I sat down, both the girls went all the way to the other end of the seat. Am I that unfriendly? :( Bah. By the way, the other 10kg of weights were with Tiong Guan, and he got a sit before I did. To end this really long and redundant paragraph, I'm trying to tell you all that girl was really sweet. She even smiled at a baby. Sweet face!

Last but not least, I was wondering what my arm would look like with a tattoo on. So I got this font which is actually a collection of tattoo designs, and this is what I got.



Lol. Looks nice? Alright, enough shit from me. Take care and stay well everyone :).

20041015

I'm Really Bored

Damn... Been doing nothing but sleeping this week. Haven't been working out as much as I would like to. Night becomes day, and day becomes night. Lol. Sleeping at all the wrong times... Haha. Vampire, right? :P HEHE.

I got Counter-Strike: Source recently, and have been playing it on my really crappy Radeon 9000 Pro :(. Thankfully, the rest of my system are good enough to sustain playable frame rates, but it's at really low resolutions... Anyway, I'm selling away my completely unopened XBox for 200 or so dollars, and was planning to buy more weights with the money. Then the idea of using the money to buy either a Radeon 9500 Pro, or a 9600 Pro came into my mind. But Tiong Guan played the game on his 9600 Pro and he says he doesn't exactly get good framerates too. Sigh :(. Should I buy weights, or get a new graphics card? /me ponders...

Anyway, I spent last night updating the BIOS and drivers and stuff in my computer. Flashed my BIOS to the latest one (ABit NF7 Revision 1.2), and I got a shock. The stupid diskette I used was spoilt somehow, and luckily, it happened just before the "flashing" began. So I got a new diskette, and managed to update it in the end :D. If that diskette were to spoil while updating the BIOS, I would have to go down to Sim Lim today or something... Phew! Updated my nForce drivers, and Radeon drivers too. Damn, I still can't run my computer at 200FSB, wondering if it's due to the memory or the graphics card. I changed both of these at the same time, and before that I was running at 220FSB. Since then, I can only run at 166FSB :(. Anything above that SEEMS to work fine, until I load some games. It'll then hang, for sure :(. Anyway, it's been a long time since I actually bothered about my computer, so last night was sort of fun.

I think I seriously got to start working soon, running really short of cash... :(. I think I'll get my examination results next week... Wish me and my friends good luck, or you'll fail yours :P. Lol ^_^.

Hope Gregory's doing fine too. Although he usually take things lightly, I'm sure this is hard on him too :(. The phucktards will be there for you dude. I mean, the CENT people :D. Cheer up!