20041029

Emotions

Love is something that can make you smile, no matter how bad your day was. It can also make you cry, no matter how good your day was. Doesn't matter how many friends are by your side. Even if they're sincere, you can only save yourself from the hell that comes from breaking up. To let go is one thing, to run away is another. Which one is it? You don't know. Letting go and running away. What's the difference? When one's mind is pushed to the limit, how sure can he be? You only think you're letting go. You don't know. You only think so. Right, YC? All you are feeling right now is numbness. Everything feels perfectly right and wrong at the same time. You don't even know what you want. Don't even know who you are. Pain? You laugh when you feel pain. You don't want to be reminded of the weak you. Pain makes you learn, it helps you grow. Be proud of the scars you carry, be it a physical or mental one. Live life like you know nothing. And learn. Learn throughout your life. Humans will always make mistakes. We're imperfect. You thought you had let go, didn't you? But every time you talk to her, you feel like you can make the past come true again. Is that what you really want? Just one more try? You say yes, you want. Is it worth it? She's going to answer you tonight.

Fear engulfs you. Just like the strong live, the weak die. If your heart is weak, you get played like a puppet. Even then you won't retaliate. Because of love? Or because you are so weak you can't even hurt anyone at all? What do you really want? You can't answer, for all you feel is emptiness. Numbness. You try facing the facts but you still feel nothing. You try asking your heart, but you don't find it anywhere. Either that, or your heart has given up on everyone but yourself. It no longer beats, or cares for anyone. You are weak. You should die. Is that what you feel? Are you fooling yourself? You can't answer. You don't want to let anyone down, but how many times have you let yourself down? You only put on a strong front. You crack jokes with others. You smile, you laugh. When working, everyone finds you friendly. But deep down inside, you aren't smiling. You're but a shadow of your former self. Future? You don't even care. So what if you do well for your studies? When in the end, you only celebrate alone. You share the joy with your friends, but the feeling of sharing it with someone special just isn't there. You miss the feeling, but do you miss that person? You miss that person, but do you still love that person? You love that person, but do you think it's still worth another go? A glass, once broken, will never be returned to it's initial state. Yes, with some God-given creativity, you will be able to glue it back in such an amazing way that it actually looks BETTER than it was. But what are the chances?

You find solace in working out. Carrying weights. But how long are you going to escape? You're already lost, yet you keep wandering further from yourself. Away from your friends and family. Solitude is what you ultimately seek, yet you fear loneliness. Loneliness is scary, isn't it? The feeling that your existence is meaningless, the feeling that you're completely useless. Even a shadow has more uses than you. If you become strong and powerful, you will surely destroy. It's better that you remain a weakling, because you will never have the heart to hurt anyone, no matter how much he or she deserves it.

Once again, will you throw away your heart? You want to if you can, don't you, YC? You can never make a girl happy. But you can't throw away the facts. The fact that even till now, you still believe that love exists. And you want to feel it once more, even though you fucking don't deserve it. And fucking stop talking to yourself.

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