Day of Breakup

Just some stupid stuff...

Dear Diary,
Right now I'm sitting here waiting for my girlfriend to call. We might be breaking up soon. I don't know what happened at all. I just found out, while surfing Friendster, that for the past few weeks, my girlfriend has been in contact with one of her ex-tuition friends, Tom. I was shocked when I saw the testimonials they wrote for each other. I want to bring myself to hate them, but I can't. Alice has always been a good girl to me, a good girlfriend, the best I've ever seen. Almost... Like a fairy tale. She just called and told me her decision is to break up. I don't know what to do right now. She said she'll explain everything to me later, her mother's around right now. I found out about this Tom just 3 hours ago. Now we're on the verge of breaking up. She says she still loves me, but she also likes Tom. She's not sure if her feelings for me are as strong as last time. Sometimes, maybe ignorance is bliss.

She's a wonderful girl, I really don't know what I can do without her. When I was hurt by another girl in the past, she was the one that stood by me, as a friend, supported me, and brought me back up. I have never been a good boyfriend to her, always throwing my temper at her. However, I really have been trying to change for the past few months. Is it too late?

I always thought of my friends making a big fuss out of nothing when they broke up with their girlfriends. I've seen some of them change, from good to bad, bad to worse. Others lock themselves up permanently, while some keep on whining and hating that girl. I always thought of them as weak, as incapable of standing alone. Only now do I know how wrong I was. As I type this, I'm trembling. I'm scared. Scared of facing everything right now. Please, dear diary, please pray for me that I'll still be with her.
- October 03, 2004

Dear Diary,
If she really loves me, why did she have to ask him to tell her he hates her? How can she forget to sms me right after that?

I got to meet her yesterday, and by that time she's very sure that she still wants to be with me. Initially I thought, "If she still wants to be together, we'll surely be together, and I'll be able to let go of all this pain." However, what really happened, isn't even close to this. I still want to be with her. In my mind, she's still the sweet girl I believe she is, always smiling. However, am I fooling myself? Is this... The truth? What is the truth? The truth is whatever I believe in, right? So even if she's not the girl she was, due to my own ignorance, she'll still be. I'm scared. What if I'm wrong?

To be honest, after yesterday, I realised a lot of things. She doesn't really seem to be affected. I want to believe, that deep down inside, she's crying. She has always been like this, always hiding her sadness, trying to smile. But Shuxy, do you know how much it hurts? It hurts like hell because I don't know what's really on her mind. It hurts like hell because I'm afraid what I believe in might be wrong. What if, it really doesn't affect her? What should I do? I can smile right now, but what I'm really feeling right now is fear, uncertainty, and doubt. I don't doubt her, I doubt my judgement. I can't afford to doubt her and let go of her. After all, she was the one that supported me when I was having one of the worst times of my life.

I just talked to her on the phone just now, around 9.15am. It's 10.20am right now. I really don't know what to say, how to go on. I only know that I still want to be with her. I sound like a real weakling, don't I? I don't understand this myself. Many a times, I have let go of unneeded people, "friends". But when it comes to Alice, I can't even imagine a day without her. Is this what they call love? Anyway, as I was saying, we talked through quite a lot of things just now, and things seem to be going smoothly. I also asked her if she's sure she's not denying her feelings for the other guy. She said no. However, she went on to say she'll answer me after she goes cycling with her sister. I don't know if I was denying myself, but I lied to myself, that she'll be answering the rest of the questions, and not THIS question. I even told her something like, "You still not sure of your feelings, or?" Before she could answer, I already told her, "You're answering the rest of the questions right? You're already sure that you don't like him right?" She said yes, but if you were me, will you really believe it? When I talk to her, I try my best to smile, but deep down inside... Am I really smiling? I don't know. It's been a long time since I've been this shattered. Even now I don't know what to say to you. Maybe I lost myself a long time ago, maybe my heart died, and it's becoming alive only now. Is this world... Really a domain of pain?

She just called, it's 10.29am here. She's leaving house soon, to go to East Coast Park and cycle with her sister. Deep inside me, I really wonder, if she really... Still cares. Does she seriously have the mood to go cycling after all that's happened? Has she really shut herself so deep inside, that she doesn't know what she wants anymore? Or maybe it really doesn't affect her. I don't know. I don't know the answer. Anyway, before I started typing this whole chunk of thoughts, I went to Friendster again. I saw the testimonials she wrote for him, and those he wrote for her. Even her testimonial for me isn't 1/2 as long as the one she wrote for him. It hurts. I know I sound petty, and weak, but it hurts like hell. It was the hurt that lead me to write this entry.

Back to yesterday, when I first found out on how she's been "cheating" on me. I lost my temper at her numerous times. I cried for the first time in god knows how long. I've only cried when it comes to my parents before. Back then, even when Katey treated me that way, I didn't cry. But when my parents divorced, I broke down. It sounds so dumb right now. Someone soon to be 18, complaining about crying. I know, no matter how strong or how cold I look, deep inside I'm just looking for a place to belong. I'm thinking right now, maybe I should send her this file, and let her read for herself. It might sound stupid, like I'm scheming some plan, but I'm not. I just don't know how to tell her all these. That's why you exist, dear diary. I used to write diaries when I was younger, but I lost all of them. I wish I still have them, maybe it'll make me remember how I was in the past. The only "diary" I still have is another one I wrote during my secondary school years. When I read it now, I feel like laughing at my foolish old self. Haha. I wonder if she's stumbled across it on my computer before. Right now I'm so numb, so dead. What am I supposed to feel? I don't know. Maybe death is really an option. If I have the guts to jump off the 12th floor or something, I'd probably have done it a long time ago. Right now I'm thinking of writing a poem. Let's try...

This pain inside, with you beside
what am I to do? What am I to feel?

I don't know how to write on. Maybe I'll continue it later. Sometimes I think I died a long time ago. I feel so fake sometimes. Like an empty shell without a heart, without a soul. Maybe I really should just fill myself up with hate. Maybe... When I die, will my friends and family, and her, remember me for all the things I've done? I don't know if there's a hell. Because right now, I think, this pain belongs to hell. This pain that's caused, not just by her, but accumulated throughout the years, by the people around me, by the people I hate and love.

I just thought of something to write. Something I can't tell anyone but her, and you. Or any other non-living thing. When I first got to know Alice, she was a good girl. Nice girl. I was afraid of her changing, so I restricted her. I didn't like it when she goes out with her friends, when she talks to other guys. However, somehow, I ended up becoming the one I feared. The one who changed her. She became scared of me. Scared of me losing my temper, scared of us quarrelling. But do you know, sometimes I really wonder? When she closes her eyes and think of me, what... does she see? My smiling face? Or my face filled with anger. I really wonder. But dear diary, what's worse was that I was the one that sparked the sexual desires in her. I've talked to her a lot of times, apologizing each time, but she always says, "It's not your fault. I also wanted to do those stuffs." But she doesn't realise, if I didn't spark them, she wouldn't have them. I corrupted her. Maybe, this pain right now, is the retribution I deserve. No, maybe it's not enough to make up for it. I probably deserve more. More hurt and pain.

I think I'll stop here for now. I don't know what else to write already.
-October 03, 2004, 10.46am

Dear Diary,
Here I am again. I just called her. She's taking a rest from cycling with her younger brother right now. I'm wondering why she didn't sms me while resting. Am I even on her mind? I know I'm selfish, but she used to do that? Can you understand? She even said not to call her too often, because of her handphone bills. I really wonder. During the time she sms-ed Tom, why did she not care about her handphone bills? Diary, please tell me what to do. Sigh. Is everything... Really over? I can't share this pain with anyone. My parents, they'll surely say break up. Or something not encouraging. My friends, I wonder if I have any. Those people I regard as friends are always gone when I need them the most. Haha. Alone. I don't know what to say now. Anyway, I sent you to her just now, with the first two entries. I think this is the easiest way I can let her know what I really feel. Maybe I'll abandon my feelings soon, is it possible? Is it possible for a human to throw away happiness, sadness, and everything else? What will I become? Can I really forget the person I care about the most? Sometimes I wish I can. Then again, wishes never come true. Back then, when I wished and prayed every night for my parents not to divorce, it didn't come true. This time round, it won't come true again. Just now I suddenly thought of the song "Cruel" by Human Nature. It really hurts to even listen to this song.

Did you know that I was so afraid of losing her a few days before I found out all this shit? I was afraid I can't meet her anymore, once school starts. I also played a song she liked repeatedly, for one whole day, even while I'm sleeping. It's "I Wanna Be with You" by Jill Hsu. To be honest, I didn't really listen to it when I first downloaded it. But what's the use? Before I went on Friendster that night, I even tried to download two BoA videos for her. Till now, it's still stuck at 0%. Will... My relationship with Alice be stuck like this too? Diary, I really feel like shouting out. I don't know. I think I understand now, why some people are playboys and playgirls. Maybe it's more fun that way. But what's the point of playing around? I know this isn't what I really want.

What do I really feel? I can laugh, smile, and joke all the time. But to be honest, I really don't feel happiness most of the time. Maybe this is what they call fate. I think I'm fated to carry on living with sadness all the time. When Alice first came into my life, well, that was really nice. Happiness... Is a good feeling. When you smile you actually do it without realising. Maybe for that very reason, I started showing my temper to Alice. Because I can't put on a facade when it's her. Sometimes I think I still do, but most of the time, I'm defenseless when it comes to her. Haha.

Dear Diary, she just sms-ed me. She's leaving East Coast Park now and going to McDonald's to eat. I asked if she cared about her handphone bills when it was Tom. She said she did. She also said that her dad told her that her handphone will be confiscated if her phone bills are too much again. She said it happened a few days ago. Why wasn't I told...? Tell me how I can believe that? I don't want to hurt her, but I have to know the answers, right?
-October 03, 2004, 3.47pm

Dear Diary,
I'm back. She told me not to reply just now, and I asked her why. She didn't reply, until I asked "You there?". She replied saying she's scared we will quarrel. Diary, am I such a monster? Is it really over now...?
-October 03, 2004, 3.51pm

End.