20051223

My parents chose to divorce, but my sister chose to destroy everything's that's left of it. Now I know why you need friends. Because sometimes your own family just can't be trusted. I don't blame any of them. I think this is what you call fate. Or destiny. Or bullshit. I like the last one the best. I've never felt more disappointed than this. Not disappointed with myself, but with my sister. Good job. You win. What else do you fucking want? I've to swallow my pride when I saw your fucked up friends, had to keep quiet like an idiot. It's alright, I tell myself, but you only go further. Sorry? Stop your fucking acting. Maybe I'll tell this straight to your face the next time I see you. Selfish POS. Get your fucking idea right, I don't, and will NEVER owe you a thing. This family is a tool to you, mother and father are just puppets to you. I don't feel like going home? Your friends are so cool :), so are you.

20051211

Malacca Trip

Hello all,

I went to Malacca yesterday with my mother and sister, and it was really fun yet tiring. I know Malacca means nothing to some of you fellow Singaporeans, but it's been a long time since I stepped out of Singapore. Anyway, I had to wake up at 5.30am, catch a quick breakfast, take a quick bath, and then finally leave house at 6.15am or so. Reached Lavender at 7am, waited for the coach to arrive, and off we went.

We went via the Tuas link, and reached the Singapore customs around 8.30am or so, I think. Anyway, fast-forward a little, we reached a small town in Malaysia to catch some snacks or "brunch". Haha. Finally, we reached Malacca around 1.15pm, for lunch! The food was very nice! Oh ya, before that, we went to this "The World's Bees Museum" or something like that. Shows you all the different types of bees, and the honey there is good as well ^_^.

Anyway, after lunch, we went to this shopping mall, can't remember the name. Got myself some clothes. I feel quite bad wasting my mother's money =(. After that we went to some small district with a lot of Peranakan snacks. Bought some stuff there again.

Ok I'm getting lazy to type on. Bottom line is, it was fun! On another note, I don't know about my sister. I think she might read this but anyway, I find it a bit hard to trust her sometimes. She still behaves like nothing's ever happened, and just a moment ago she lost her temper when my mother wanted her mobile phone back. I'm tired, honestly. I know my mother is too. We're all trying so hard but you seem to take everything for granted. When we're nice to you, you step all over us. When we try to correct you, you lose your temper.

It's sad when someone uses you, it's worse when it's your own family member. I don't know what you're trying to achieve till now. Just hope you'll come to your senses soon and realise your mistakes. I know it takes time, but I'll be going NS next year, and if you don't change by then it's going to be hard for us.

Lastly, to end this on a good note, good night =).

20051210

Things have been improving at home, hope it gets better...

Anyway I'm leaving for Malacca in 5 hours. Good night people!

I miss a particular someone very much ^_^.

20051204

Fucked Up

Hello all, been a long time since I posted. Hope life's been very good for all of you. Anyway, my sister finally came home. YAY! My ass.

I was sort of happy when I first heard it. It's been MONTHS since I saw her, although she probably doesn't care. Yet when I came home, she acted like nothing's changed. Like my mother and I was wrong. No respect for anyone at all.

I've been trying not to write about her for a long time. It's always on my mind. The past few months were really good for me, but I'm always worried about her. My parents too. When staying with my father, my sister consistently left house only to return 3 or 4 days later. Each time, she would refuse to pick up her phone, giving excuses as stupid as "HANDPHONE LOW BATTERY LA". The last time I checked I shouldn't be able to get through someone if the handphone's off =).

Thanks to this, my mother and father are on really bad terms once again. Nice job. I really appreciate the amount of effort you put in just to screw the whole family up. Your friends? Lol. Friends? People who encourage you to smoke, or help you with "unlocking" your mother's room door. Oh ya, I've yet to make a report about that. You think you're so great? Thanks to you, mother and father are NOT EVEN ON TALKING TERMS ANYMORE YOU SMART ASS.

Ask yourself, have you ever kept to your promises? No. No. No. You lied about this, lied about that. Tell mother A, tell father B. Thanks.

The first thing you asked me when you came home today, "Can use your computer?". No sense of guilt, no sense of shame. Fuck your conscience. I know what you're going to say. "Why you always use vulgarities? Just like Papa." First of all I hate comparisons, secondly I don't use vulgarities as much as you hope I will. You don't even have any respect for yourself. Style. Make-up that makes you look like some china doll I can buy off the shelves. Cool? I know why you came home today, because you needed to take a bath. I'm tired of everything you're doing.

All I know is the things I value in my life are in the following order:
1. Family
2. Girlfriend and Friends
3. Studies
4. Health

And the things you value are in the following order:
1. "FRIENDS"
2. Money
3. Yourself
4. Yourself
5. Yourself

I'm disappointed, really. You stayed at father's home as long as he had a computer with a working internet connection for you to use, but the moment the internet got cut off, you start straying outside. Selfish bitch. You think you're the only one with problems? You claim you want to return to school to study, so FOR ONE LAST TIME I HOPE YOU KEEP YOUR WORD.

Just to let you know, don't ever let me see your friends in OUR house. Especially not in MY room. Really. If you hate this you can ask them to come to me personally, or maybe even kill me. Just like you killed the faith and hope everyone had in you. Why? Because you feel no one cares for you.

About that, JUST TO LET YOU KNOW. SINCE THE DAY YOU WERE BORN EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU. I'm the one without problems. You think mother or father will worry if I'm out for 2 days. No. You think I like that? Go on this way. You're becoming all you ever hated.

P.S: If you still want to play nice I'll listen. Otherwise don't interfere in my life. The sister I had is gone long ago. You just look like her. No, you don't even look like her. She looked much sweeter =). Also, she had a heart. How do I know that? Because her cheeks are naturally pink and rosy. Yours are white with powder =). Like you're trying to hide something.

Oh ya, I won't be surprised if you read it and acted like nothing happened as well.

20051107

HOSTS Secure

Hello all, I've written a simple program. Check it out here

20051102

Update

Hello all, hope you're all doing well =). Been a long time since I updated, don't really know what to write at this moment. Just feeling kind of bored, since I'm awake yet doing nothing. No one to accompany me as well. Well, can't blame anyone, it's 3.40am. Haha.

Anyway, I've made some changes to my wall again =P. Will post a new picture up soon. My mother's been complaining that I'm using paper and ink unnecessarily. Lol.

Sometimes I feel really out of control. I know my stupid friends are going to think of something dirty -_-. Anyway, it's like, I know what I'm doing/saying is wrong, yet I can't seem to stop myself from doing/saying them, only to regret after that. Sigh. I feel really sucky, especially when it concerns someone I really like.

Life's been good to me recently, I guess. I sort of miss my sister though. As I've said in previous posts, she's currently living with my father. I got a call from my father the other day, seems that she mis-behaved again =(. You know, I wish you're reading this right now. You might think that right now you're mixing with the best friends you can find in the world, that they're the ones who are always right, but remember, you're only 15. You haven't seen what father and mother have. I don't really know what to tell you anymore. When I try calling you, you almost never pick up my calls. You complained that I don't spend much time with you anymore. Seriously, do I have a choice? Anyway, I really hope you'll show more respect to Mum and Dad before it's too late. You never know when someone is going to leave this world. I don't know about you, but I've always thought of what would happen to us if Mum and Dad weren't around anymore.

I think Dad has told you this already, that Mum seems to be having a recurring cataract. I don't know if you remember, but around ten years ago Mum had an operation to remove the cataract. Now it's back. If you haven't already contacted her, I think it'd be good if you do so now. On a brighter note, I think she will be able to have an operation that wouldn't be too expensive =).

Ok, I seriously don't know what else to write. Take care people. Good night =).

20051026

Rasterbator!

Here's my current wall:


Click To View Bigger Version

http://homokaasu.org/rasterbator/

20051010

Good morning =). I'm currently at work, and I'm late today. Thankfully someone woke me up =P. The funny thing is I woke up around the time I'm supposed to reach my workplace, which is in Jurong, and I live in Simei. So I'm appromixately 1.5 hours late =\. The reason I can blog now is because there's currently nothing for me to do. Anyway, a conversation around 15 minutes ago between me and a fellow "friend" went like this:

"Friend": "YC, did you tell anyone you not coming today?"
[In a really demanding and authoritative tone.]

YC: "No, not yet."
[Ok, this is my mistake, but I was sleeping when I received the message last night.]

"Fried": "Did you know that Mr. XXX is coming? We thought all of you were coming."
[So, now it's my fault that others didn't turn up. Anyway why is Mr. XXX so important? Lick balls?]

YC: "Ok."

"Friend": "Check your minutes in future."
[Same irritating tone.]

YC: "Ok."
[The truth is I've checked it and I didn't see anything. I just found out I should check "Agenda" instead.]

"Friend": "Bye."

I forgot if I said "Bye", but anyway I proceeded to call those I should call and apologise. Anyway, I used to think "Friend" was friendly and nice before I actually got to work with her directly. Well, well. The sad thing is I know it wouldn't make a difference. Where there's power involved, there'll be politics. Please make it transparent though. I don't want to comment too much, I'm sick and tired of being judged by people who don't even know me. I hate to say this, but I'm in school to excel in my studies AND enjoy, not get involved in stupid politics and fail my studies, nor to show off just because I get some award. Before I got involved with you all, which is the BIGGEST MISTAKE I've made in my polytechnic life, I had a really great school life. Great friends, FUN club, and not-so-bad results. I don't need you to survive in school. Heck, I don't even see a need for you in anything. So, do me a favour, do yourself a favour, don't think so highly of yourself. On another note, I really respect some of you, so please don't get the idea that I'm against everyone.

P.S: Note that I tried to refrain from using any profanities, so as not to hurt other people's feelings.

20050928

Aftermath

Ok, I don't exactly feel happy, because it wasn't us who got to present =(. It went well anyway, so yup... =). I want to write about other things anyway.

So it's 4.30am and I'm awake. I don't have to be early for school or anything later on. Yay!

I don't know what's going on in this world anymore. There're people that I wish I could get rid of, seriously. I don't even know why they want to act all familiar with me and shit when they're causing me so much trouble. Fucking hell I wish you would just get out of my life. I don't really know you anyway, and don't intend to know you that well. When you tried committing suicide, why didn't you die?

You aren't even 18, yet you're talking about stuff like loving someone forever, being just someone's tool, and whatnots. Get a hold of your hormones. Your friends are pretty cool too. "i wan euu shoo muchh butt i dunch thinkx euu wan mii animoree" Oh my god, my eyes. You talk about loving someone and shit, when you obviously have no love for your parents.

What the fuck is wrong with you all? Making use of others' sufferings for your own happiness. Read between the lines, maybe you know I'm talking about you, or maybe you don't. It doesn't matter, it's just a rant, and this isn't really targetted at anyone in particular.

You know, sometimes it's weird when someone you didn't even notice back then suddenly becomes someone that's constantly on your mind, and in a very bad way. Back then = 3 years or so. It sucks, and the worst of all, you didn't even have a say in it. It wasn't your choice. Like, A makes friends with someone you treasure a lot, and leads your loved one astray. A.

^_^

20050927

Die Forgotten.

Ok, the presentation got postponed till today =). I've more or less recovered, so yay! Wish me all the best for later =)!

I think it's a really sad thing to be forgotten, whether you're dead or not. It just sucks. I think. Let's say, you die. If you believe in a Heaven and a Hell, then good or bad for you, depending on which one you go to. If you end up in Heaven, you'd probably have peace and happiness for all of eternity (if eternity does exists). If you end up in Hell, too bad. I don't know if there's a Heaven or a Hell, but I do know when you die everything's gone. You know, all your dreams, your friends, your family, your everything. Actually they aren't gone, you're the one that's gone. Like, if there's an afterlife, you'll be seeing everyone crying for you. Mourning for you. Maybe they'll get over you after a while. Some might remember you, but some WILL forget you. What if the people who forget you are those you really hold dear? It's scary. If there's no afterlife, you'll just die, get eaten up by maggots, the end. I think. I don't know.

I don't know if I'm scared of death, but I'm sure I'm scared of being forgotten. Like I never existed. The sad thing is, I don't have to die to be forgotten. Some of my friends might just forget me one day, and I might also forget some of my friends.
All the friendship, the feelings, everyone, gone. To be forgotten is such a sad thing. It's like you never made any impact in his/her life. Whether you were there or not doesn't matter. Just another stranger. I don't know why I'm writing this either. I might forget I wrote this when I wake up. Seriously. If you don't remember it, it never happened. If no one remembers you, you never existed. Something like that, heard it before? I think it's quite true.

I think sometimes I just write plain crap.

20050926

Long Post... Maybe

It's 12.28am now, September 26. I think it's the day my SIP group has been looking forward to, wanting to get over and done with it as soon as possible. We'll be presenting to someone important later, and I don't know about the rest, but I'm pretty excited and worried at the same time. Anyway, after today, I think I will take a break from my SIP for a while. Probably a week at most. Whatever it is, please wish us all the best for the presentation!

It's been really tiring doing this project, but I've to admit, it's really fun and satisfying at the end of it all. I probably learnt more during this semester than any of the others added together. 3.1 was, and probably will remain, my busiest semester ever. You've your project, you've your club(s), you've your family (which isn't exactly going very well), you've your friends, and you've your personal life (which is going pretty well). So there you have it, some things good, some things bad, some things you just rather not give a damn about.

I've been giving my best to the project ever since it started, and I know some of my group members are too. It'll be really nice if we can complete everything. I don't know if I'm allowed to talk about what my project is about here, so I better not. Whatever it is, it's something really cool. So, tomorrow's finally the day, and I fall sick =(. The main point of this paragraph is, I really want to recover. I need to =P.

Ok, enough about my project. On to school life in general. Seriously, I hate it sometimes. SIP itself has already given me problems, but I'm able to deal with it properly, because it's something you already expect. I frequently have conflicts with one of my group members about how to go about coding/solving some stuff, but at the end of it all we fix the problem, and more importantly, we're still friends, and group members. You've some problems with your supervisors and lecturers, but that's fine with me also. Sometimes it's our fault, sometimes it's the upper management, but whatever it is, it's all good with me as long as it helps the project.

However, when you're getting problems and shit from things/people you're supposed to have fun with, it's really irritating. I don't want to go into details here, but some of my closer friends should know what I'm talking about. Whatever it is, don't force your ideas on others, just because you think it's wrong, or disrespectful, or whatever. First of all, you aren't involved, you simply saw it happening. Secondly, I hate being someone I'm not just to please you all. Lastly, if I can tolerate you behaving like someone you aren't just to please the rest, please show some basic respect for someone who's simply being himself and having fun.

Ok, I'm lazy to blog on. I just woke up a while ago, and I intend to get back to sleep soon. Good night people! Dumb dumb =P.

20050913

Upd8

Ok I was supposed to sleep like 1.5 hours ago, but I've been relaxing and listening to songs instead. Anyway, I'm going to school in like 7 hours' time, and it's coding, coding, and more coding again. BUT, I'm also going to have fun! Why?

Firstly, we've already met the project objectives, so now it's mostly adding in more features. We'll be going down to Philips on Wednesday and Thursday to set-up the stuff, and also, we might have to present to them. Hopefully not! I personally would want to fine-tune and fix all the bugs before presenting. I don't want to present a buggy project =(. Anyway, I'm looking forward to coding and integrating and whatever tomorrow!

Secondly, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I'm going to Seoul Garden with my friends and her! Yay =P.

Ok, life's been pretty good to me recently =D. I wish I could work though =P. $_$

Lastly, enjoy the lyrics. I like Eric Clapton's version more, but =P.

Damage - Wonderful Tonight
Intro

Tonight, Tonight, Tonight
Tonight, Tonight, Tonight
Tonight, Tonight, Tonight

Verse 1

It’s late in the evening
She’s wondering what clothes to wear
She puts on her make-up
And brushes her long brown hair
And then she asks me
Do I look alright?
And I say yes
You look wonderful tonight

Du, lu, lu, lu..., oh, oh, oh, oh..., lu, lu, lu, lu..., lu, lu, lu, lu...

Verse 2

We go to a party
And everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady (Beautiful lady)
Who’s walkin' around with me, yeah...
And then she asks me
Do I feel alright?
(I say) And I say yes
I feel wonderful tonight

Tonight, Tonight, Tonight

Bridge

(Oh...) I feel wonderful
Because I see
The love that’s right in your eyes
And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize
How much I love you (I really do)

Verse 3

It’s time to go home now (Yes, it is)
And I’ve got an aching head
So I give her the car keys
And she helps me into bed
And then I tell her as I turn down the lights
I say, darling, you were wonderful tonight

Hey, hey..., I said, darling, you were wonderful tonight

Repeat/Fade Out

You look wonderful, you’re everything I need and more
You look wonderful, so beautiful tonight
You look wonderful, you never leave me wanting more
You look wonderful, so beautiful tonight

Source: http://www.lyrics4all.net/

Ok, good night! =)

Edit: I've changed the song to "I Caught Fire" by The Used.

20050908

Happy Birthday To Myself *Updated*

Hello, it's finally my birthday =)! Thanks to all the following who have wished me so far =P.

Before 12am:
Murni
Judy
Maclean

Exactly At 12am =P:
Geri =P

After 12am:
Josephine
John
Poh Tiam
Nicholas
Terry
Kelvin
Aunt Alicia
Jeremy
Aunt Helen
Chin Ming
Joven
Hong Wen
Alan
Ethelyn
Hilmi
Asheeq
Yiren
Jie Yan
Dian

MUM AND DAD! & Sister!

To all those that I forgot, sorry! =P

^_^ I'm old and sad now =P.

Update (2.42am, Sep 9):
Anyway, I had a good birthday! I just found out from my mum that my Lunar birthday falls on the same day as my actual birthday this year. She says it happens once every 19 years or something. Although I didn't celebrate with any of my friends, I had a really great time with someone special =). Thanks for being so sweet! I love that video! =D

On another note, I'll probably be having a late celebration with Maclean and the rest sometime next week. Yay!

I'm 19 now! 19 years and 1 day old! =D

20050906

Life + Lyrics

The school semester is finally over, SIP has officially ended, but I still have to return to school everyday to finish up my project. My group has to demonstrate a fully-working prototype by this Friday, September 9. Great! Exactly one day after my birthday. I can't even fully enjoy my birthday without any worries. Anyway, other than that, my life's been pretty good, school- and personal-wise.

Personal life's been going great =). <3

Family-wise, I don't really know what to say. My sister seems to be getting from bad to worse each day. She doesn't live with my mother and I anymore. By right, she should be living with my father. However, the truth is, she's not. She's treating my father's house as a hotel. Returning only to bathe and whatnots. It seems she got in touch with my maternal grandmother recently. I hate to say it, and I really feel sad when I think about it, but I feel she's only "keeping in touch" for money. Sigh. Sometimes I wonder why humans change so much within a span of a few months. Anyway, I hope she'll stop and wake up from whatever she's doing now and actually live. Instead of wasting her life away.

Anyway, enjoy the lyrics below. I really like both songs =).

The Used - I Caught Fire
Seemed to stop my breath
My head on your chest
Waiting to cave in
From the bottom of my...
Hear your voice again
Could we dim the sun
And wonder where we've been
Maybe you and me
So kiss me like you did
My heart stopped beating
Such a softer sin

(I'm melting, I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while

And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
Now

Never caught my breath
Every second I'm without you I'm a mess
Ever know each other
Trust these words are stones
why cuts aren't healing
Learning how to love

I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
(Stay with me lay with me now)

You could stay and watch me fall
And of course I'll ask for help
Just stay with me now
We could take our heads off
stay in bed and just make love that's all
Just stay with me now

I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
and I'm melting

In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
and I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me lay with me
(Stay with me, lay with me)

In your eyes
Let's sleep till the sun burns out
I'm melting in your eyes (I'm melting in your eyes)
In your eyes
Let's sleep till the sun burns out
I'm melting in your eyes

The Used - Let It Bleed
This poison’s my intoxication.
I broke the needle off in my skin.
Picked the scabs and pick the bleeding.
And assumed that it was all in vain.
A positive scab that's never healing.
Calloused hit me in the face.
A burning bridge thats's so misleading.
Poison’s more potent now with the flame.

Let it bleed.
And take the red for what it's worth, whoa.
Watch the fire.
Fill your lungs with smoke for the last time.
If you feel like dying, you might wanna sing.

The fire department couldn't drown the city.
They didn't even try to wash it clean.
What did you think, that I was sober?
Put me out cause I'm on fucking fire.
A positive scab that's never healing.
Regret that I kept this clean.
The most that I can do for you is keep on lying.
It's not a lie if you can let it sing.

Let it bleed.
And take the red for what it's worth, whoa.
Watch the fire.
Fill your lungs with smoke for the last time.
If you feel like dying you might wanna’ SING!

OH, OH, OH, OH YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
HA, HA, HA YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
HA, HA, YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
HA, HA SING!!!!!!!
YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
YOU MIGHT WANNA SING OR SCREAM IT!!

This poison’s my intoxication.
I broke the needle off in my skin.
Picked the scabs and picked the bleeding.
Yeah, assume that it was all in vain.

Let it bleed.
And take the red for what it's worth, whoa.
Watch the fire.
Momma fill your lungs with smoke for the last time.
If you feel like dying.
If you feel like dying.
If you feel like dying, you might wanna’ SING!
HA, HA, HA YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
HA, YOU MIGHT WANNA SING!!
YOU MIGHT WANNA SING OR SCREAM IT!!!!

Source: http://www.sing365.com/

20050826

^_^

It's been a while since I actually felt like blogging. Anyway, my father passed me this "Transforming Problems Into The Path" book recently. As you can guess from the title, it's mostly about Buddhism. While I'm a Buddhist, I don't think I'm devoted enough to call myself one. Back to topic, the book's really nice. Anyway, there's this part in the book that I really like (I haven't finished reading it, just 1/4 through).

[Start]

HOW ATTACHMENT ARISES
First of all, we see somebody and we feel he or she is so wonderful. This person is super, this person is the best, most perfect. In our attachment, we exaggerate that person’s qualities. We think that everything they do… the way they walk, the sound of their voice, everything they do, the way they eat is so special, so beautiful. (Laughter) We see no wrong. Our mind paints this picture and we believe in it. And probably they do the same to us – in their eyes, we achieve a godlike
status. (Laughter)

When we get together and start doing things and sharing things together, we want our partner to conform to our selfish and incorrect projections that we have put on them. We begin to feel that they are not perfect, they do not behave in the way we would like them to behave, from our point of view.

So we start to impose ourselves upon them, to try and force them to act in a way more suitable to our preconception about how they should be. And they are doing the same to us – we are no longer a wonderful person in their eyes either.

Through familiarity, they are beginning to see our faults. They are getting a bit edgy, and trying to get us to change our ways so that we will conform to their image of how they think their partner should be.

You can see the recipe for disaster now. We start to feel that we are being constrained, this person is suffocating us. “Let me do what I want!” And so the small arguments start. And bigger arguments follow.

SELF-CENTRED ATTACHMENT
This disaster in our relationship arises because we are self-centred in our original attachment. When we see the person as being so perfect, it means this person is so perfect for me. We actually incorporate this person into our ego, our self-identity. Psychologically, we try to make this person an expression of ourselves.. This is so selfcentred. We give them no space to be an individual, to have different thoughts, to do things the way they want. This is an incredible recipe for fighting, because they are doing the same to us.

So, unhappily, because of our self-centredness and our inflexibility, we will not budge. A little bit perhaps, but in big things we will not accommodate their wishes. So there is disenchantment in our attachment, which we call love. Then we begin to move away from each other. Although actually there is love and some fondness for each other, this is contaminated by our attachment, our ignorant exaggeration of the qualities of the other and grasping at them. We begin to move away.

If we do not have skill, we start to dislike each other. Then, certainly, one of us, or both of us – usually it is one of us, which is very sad, – swings to the other extreme of hating, and the object of attachment is now suddenly an enemy, a devil.

Instead of being a god, now everything they do is bad. We do not like the way they walk. We do not like the way they breathe. The way they cough. The way they brush their teeth.

SWINGING FROM ATTACHMENT TO AVERSION
We think, “They are doing it to hurt us, to make us suffer.” This is what our mind does. Maybe I am talking in extremes, but it does happen this way.

Now our mind flips from attachment to aversion. We go overboard, we see them as totally bad, totally negative. We do not ever want to see them again. But this is the same person we thought we could never be happy without, just a few months earlier.

This is selfishness, this is preoccupation with “Me,” and “My Happiness.” It is an absence of love, an absence of wisdom, and absence of compassion. It is a selfishness which is the root of relationship problems, of all our problems.

GIVING UP OUR SELF-CHERISHING
The only cure for selfishness and self-cherishing is cherishing others. In loving others universally and having compassion for them, we forget about ourselves.

It is not suppressing what we need. We just forget about ourselves because, paradoxically, if we give up our selfish pursuit of things, people automatically love us.

If we have sincere affection for somebody, they embrace us. They want to be always with us. If we have sincere compassion and kindness, then everybody feels comfortable in our company, so we always have friends. People will want to help us, if we are in trouble. If we are trying to do something, and if we are known to have a kind heart, then people will have great joy in helping us.

So the paradox is this – we give up this neurotic pre-occupation with “Me”, “Poor me”, “My happiness”, “I need a relationship”, “I need this”, “I need that”. By abandoning this, we receive. And it is the very “I need”, “I want”, “I must have” that is pushing people away, pushing happiness away.

[End]

Anyway, you can get the eBook from here

On another note, I've been really busy recently =(. To a certain someone, thanks for being so understanding =P. Hehe.

20050823

I've been screwing things up recently, damn. Since the day I could actually say "Happy Birthday" to my mother, I've never once missed it. Yet, I missed it this year. It's today, and it totally slipped my mind. As in, totally. In the past, no matter how busy I was, I would always somehow manage to remember, and get her a small gift at the very least. This time round, I didn't remember, till she jokingly asked "Where's my present?" I even had the audacity to ask her, "What present?" Then I remembered, it's the 23rd of August, it's my mother's birthday. Even my sister wished her. I'm ungrateful, seriously.

Come to think of it, all I did on my father's birthday was to call and wish him.

Then there's my sister, who's currently staying at my father's place. I've never been a good brother to her, I guess. If I had tried a little harder, she might have turned out much better.

I don't know what else to say. Even if I did I don't feel like typing on. To my family, though they'll never read this, I'm sorry. I sort of hate being so busy with school now.

20050803

For An Idiot

Damn it, when did I become a gift?
So I'm the present, and we're the future? =P

I've no idea if it's "mooshy" or "marshy",
But I know for sure you're very mushy =X

And when I looked into your eyes on that every night
Everything around me suddenly felt so right

Sorry that I can't always accompany you
But hey, I'll never stop missing you

It was fun being funny and seeing you laugh
Wondering if I was being too crude or rough

If you love my laugh and smile
I don't mind going that extra mile

Every night before I go to sleep
I think of how you'll look asleep

And every time I suddenly sneeze
I know, it's because it's me you miss =P

So please don't worry about making me mad
I might have a temper, but it's not that bad

When you think back on that very day
Know that I'm missing you in every way

Damn it, it's really hard to rhyme
So I'm just going to try harder next time

- August 3, 2005

20050727

Luna Sea - I For You

Romanji:
neh hontou wa dalehmo
neh aisehnai to iwaleh teh
kowagali no kimi to deh ai
yatto sono imi ni kizuita

kizutsuku tameh ima futali
deh atta nala kanashi sugiluyo

kokolo kala kimi ni tsutaeh tai
kitto tada hontou no kimi no sugata o motomehteh

mada bukiyou ni walau neh
mada kanashimi ga niau kala

kimi to deh a-u tameh dakeh ni
sou umaleh tanala kaeh lalehlu kana...

kokolo kala kimi ni tsutaeh tai
kizutsuki sugita kehdo mada mani a-u yo
kokolo kala kimi o aishitehlu
kimi ni fulu itami o nugutteh ageh tai
subehteh I for You

kokolo kala kimi ni tsutaeh tai
kimi no ehgao itsumo mitsumeh lalehtala
kokolo kala kimi o aishitehlu
kimi ni fulu hikali o atsumeh teh agehtai
subehteh I for You

Translation:
You told me
That you couldn't love anybody
I finally realised what you meant
When I saw that you were afraid of everybody

How ironic is it
If us two met
only to get hurt?

With all my heart
I have to tell you this
All I want to see is the real YOU

You still don't smile very well
Because even now, you still wear sadness around you

If the only reason I was born
was so I could meet you,
do you think I'll be able to change everything?

With all my heart
I have to tell you this
We're hurt, but we've still got time
With all my love
I love you
I want to wipe away
All the pain that falls on you
I for You

With all my heart
I have to tell you this
If only you could smile at me like that
forever...
With all my love
I love you
I want to gather every piece of light
and give it all to you
I for You

Source: http://www.geocities.co.jp/MusicStar-Piano/1957/lyrics/

20050726

I don't know what to blog about. Damn it. Some people are able to blog everything they feel, or experience, but I think I can't. There're some things you just have problems putting into words.

Anyway, hope all of you are doing fine! =)

Edit:
Finally thought of something to write. I like wasting time. Doing nothing at all. Like, just lie on my bed, listening to some music. Usually I end up forgetting I'm actually listening to music. Like everything just disappears from your mind. That feeling's really nice. Like you're actually free. Free, unbounded to anything. Like you can just do everything you like without even giving a damn about anyone, or anything. Well, well. Then again, once you "wake up", everything comes flooding back into you, and you go like "WTF."

So yup. That's my entry. You know you can never be really free. Sad, but true. I think. At least I can't.

20050716

To My Dearest Sister

Recently I found out that my sister hasn't been attending school. Since school started 3 weeks ago, she's only present for 5 times. All these while, none of my parents, nor myself, suspected anything.

Then her teacher gave my mother a call, and my mother told me. My mother was patient and calm about it. She told me she'd wait for my sister to come home, then talk to her properly. I felt it wasn't fair if my father doesn't know about it, so I gave him a call. He got one of his close friends, who's quite close to my sister, to help. Somehow, my sister decided that not coming home would be the best thing to do. She'd probably say, "I want to be alone and think through things." or something similar.

When my mother was sick for nearly the whole of last week, where were you? Mother was sick, down with this virus that makes her really giddy, and she still worked hard for you. The last time we talked properly, you said I didn't care about you anymore. Do I not? I barely have time for myself, and I almost never see you at home. The only time you're at home is when both mother and I are at work and in school, respectively. The only time you're at home is when you're skipping your lessons. Kinda cool, right? Skipping lessons with your friends, and bringing all of them to OUR house. Dirtying OUR house. Those fucking friends of yours who would probably kill and steal for a living. I'd really like to meet them one day. By then, you'd probably be one of them as well.

You know what? Each time you decided to run away from home, mother couldn't sleep the whole night. Father calls me repeatedly. I ALMOST ALWAYS END UP QUARRELLING WITH BOTH OF THEM. In fact, I do. What the fuck do you know? You already know father and mother aren't on very good terms, yet for your own selfish reasons you ignore this fact. Has father ever called you to ask about me? Almost never. He always calls me to ask about you. You claim mother dotes on me more. What about the times she took you to Malaysia, leaving me alone at home? What about the times when we went out, and she asked you if you wanted anything, only to have you show her a black face? I believe both mother and father love us equally, just in different ways. But you, you like to compare. You complain about me having complete freedom, and whatnots. Hey, wake up. How old are you? Anyway, whatever freedom I've today, I earned it on my own. When I was your age I still got caning. What about you? When was the last time you got caned? I earned this freedom, get this in your head. I studied when needed, and did well. I called back to let them know I won't be coming home. I DON'T LOSE MY TEMPER AT THEM WHEN THEY ASK ME FOR A LITTLE HELP IN HOUSEKEEPING.

Yet all you do is whine. Whine, while mother worries about your safety, while father worries about your safety, while I, worry about mother's health, worry about father's health, worry about them arguing again, and worry about you. Worried that you might do something really stupid. Wake up.

It almost feels like you're playing all of us out, you know that? Mother locked her room, probably hoping that it would stop you from changing clothes and thus, going out, but what did you do? You brought someone home to spoil the door knob/lock. Your own home. Have you got no conscience? By the way, the box of Hawaiin Host chocolates wasn't for your fucking friends. It was for you, and for mother. I don't remember being rich enough to treat your friends without knowing it. 1/2 of the chocolates was gone when mother finally wanted to eat it.

You said you've dreams too. I still remember what your dreams are. But all you're doing now is destroying them with your own hands. Your friends, have they ever talked to you about anything else other than "love", or how much they hate your other friend? Are you that weak that you can't stand alone for yourself? That weak that you would mix with the wrong bunch of fuckers just for support? People who can't even control themselves, till the point where they can't help it but finger themselves at the back of the class during Chinese lesson, and then proudly tell you how pleasurable it is. Maybe I should put their names and school here the next time. You know what's right, or what's wrong. But you simply refuse to change. Why?

20050710

張信哲 - 從開始到現在

張信哲 - 從開始到現在

如果這是最後的結局
為何我還忘不了你
時間改變了我們告別了單純

如果重逢也無法繼續
失去才算是永恆
懲罰我的認真是我太過天真

難道我就這樣過我的一生
我的吻注定吻不到最愛的人
為你等從一開始盼到現在
也同樣落的不可能~

難道愛情可以轉交給別人
但命運注定留不住我愛的人
我不能我怎麼會願意承認
你是我不該愛的人

如果再見是為了再分
失去才算是永恆
一次新的記憶為何還要再生

難道我就這樣過我的一生
我的吻注定吻不到最愛的人
為你等從一開始盼到現在
也同樣落的不可能~

難道愛情可以轉交給別人
但命運注定留不住我愛的人
我不能我怎麼會願意承認
你是我不該愛的人

拿什麼作證
從未~ 想過愛一個人
需要那麼殘忍才證明愛的深

難道我就這樣過我的一生
我的吻注定吻不到最愛的人
為你等從一開始盼到現在
也同樣落的不可能~

難道愛情可以轉交給別人
但命運注定留不住我愛的人
我不能我怎麼會願意承認
你是我愛錯了的人


Source: http://www.powersugoi.net/tingdong/song.php?song=70

For all those who don't understand the lyrics, click on the link above. There's an English translation there =).

20050708

I don't know what to write here. Damn. Full of thoughts, yet I'm at a complete loss for words.

Some people just want to use you.

Lyrics

The Used - Blue & Yellow
And it's all in how you mix the two,
And it starts just where the light exists.
It's a feeling that you cannot miss,
And it burns a hole,
through everyone that feels it.

Well your never gonna find it,
If your looking for it,
won't come your way,
Well you'll never find it,
if your looking for it.

Should've done something, but I've done it enough.
By the way, your hands were shaking,
Rather waste some time with you.

And you never would have thought in the end,
How amazing it feels just to live again,
It's a feeling that you cannot miss,
it burns a hole, through everyone that feels it

Well you're never gonna find it,
If your looking for it, won't come your way, yea
Well you'll never find it, if you're looking for it.

Should've done something, but I've done it enough.
By the way, your hands were shaking.
Rather waste some time with you.

Should've said something, but I've said it enough.
By the way, my words were faded.
Rather waste some time with you.

Time with you...
Waste some time with you...

Should've done something, but I've done it enough.
By the way, your hands were shaking.
Rather waste my time with you.

Should've said something, but I've said it enough.
By the way, my words were faded.
Rather waste my time with you.

Should've done something, but I've done it enough.
By the way, my hands were shaking.
Rather waste some time with you.

Waste some time with you... (repeats)

Saosin - Bury Your Head
Bury your head,
Bury your head,

I was feeling fine,
You’ll be coming clean tonight,
And I’ll be falling down with you once again,
Call me your valentine call me once tonight,
And I will have said it's okay,

The things you said, I’m rehearsing them,
(The things you said, The things you said)
The things you said, I’m rehearsing them,

They went back on us,
(Until his eyes rolled back couldn't step it up),
I could know when to come on to it,
It’s the thought that emerges,
(Take back couldn't step it up),
I could never love the ion change,

Bury your head, and the child smashed you down,
And the psalms will soon recall me again,
(Fall down below),
I’ll sleep tonight when you're okay,
And I haven't said it's okay,

The things you said, I’m rehearsing them,
The things you said, I’m rehearsing them,

They went back on us,
(Until his eyes rolled back couldn't step it up),
I could know when to come on to it,
It’s the thought that emerges,
(Take back couldn't step it up),
I could never love the ion change.

They have been the ones who’ve seen enough,
This is what you call love,

They stole my lies,
Sold right and all,
They wandered around and round my mouth,
They stole my lie,
Sold right and all,
(Stole it all, Stole it all),
They have been the ones who’ve seen enough,

They went back on us,
(Until his eyes rolled back couldn't step it up),
I could know when to come on to it,
It’s the thought that emerges,
(Take back couldn't step it up),
I could never love the ion change,

You'll be coming clean tonight...

Source: http://www.sing365.com/

20050703

Just Another Post

Hello all, I'm finally updating this blog. To be honest I've been wanting to update it, but just didn't exactly know what to write. I'm still not writing what I really want to write, just going to update this with some stuff that's been going on in my life.

Hmm, school's been pretty tiring, especially the last two weeks. SIP is already tiring enough, and I still have to participate/organize some events, and stuff. They're really fun though. Took part in SAF Day last Friday as an usher, and it was really relaxing, and rewarding! Haha =P. Regarding my SIP, I think I've to learn C#. Sigh. Anyway, Wee Quan is coming back tomorrow, so yay! He was away for 2 weeks due to reservist =(.

On another note, Joven, one of my best friends, will be going for National Service this Friday =(. Wish him luck!

Alright, I really don't know what to write. Good night and take care =).

Note: Alright I updated, idiot. =P

*Update*
Since I can't fall asleep either, I think I'll just try to write something. Anyway, what I'm going to write is just a general question/opinion, nothing too personal. How is someone supposed to move on, after breaking up? Most people will start keeping themselves busy, keeping themselves occupied with all the activities they can find. When you're busy doing something else, your mind stops thinking about the sad things. However, facts are facts. When you're alone and doing nothing, probably every night before you sleep, you'll still think of all these sad stuff. Ok, that's all. I really don't know what to write at all. GOOD NIGHT! =)

20050621

Look Away

Hey, you're still really sweet =). Thanks for your concern, I appreciate it =). Take care, and all the best in whatever you do!

Chicago - Look Away
When you called me up this morning,
Told me ’bout the new love you found,
I’m said I’m happy for you,
I’m really happy for you.
Found someone else,
I guess I won’t be coming ’round.
I guess it’s over, baby;
It’s really over, baby, whoa...
And from what you said
I know you’ve gotten over me;
It’ll never be the way it used to be.
So if it’s gotta be this way,
Don’t worry, baby, I can take the news okay.

But if you see me walking by,
And the tears are in my eyes,
Look away, baby, look away.
If we meet on the streets someday,
And I don’t know what to say,
Look away, baby, look away.
Don’t look at me;
I don’t want you to see me this way.

When we both agreed as lovers,
We were better off as friends,
That’s how it had to be,
Yeah, that’s how it had to be.
I tell you I’m fine
But sometimes I just pretend;
Wish you were holding me,
Wish you were still holding me, whoa...
I just never thought,
That I would be replaced so soon;
I wasn’t prepared to hear those words from you.
I know I wanted to be free;
Yeah, baby, this is how we wanted it to be.

But if you see me waling by,
And the tears are in my eyes,
Look away, baby, look away.
If we meet on the streets someday,
And I don’t know what to say,
Look away, baby, look away.
Don’t look at me;
I don’t want you to see me this way.

[repeat chorus 2x]

When you called me up this morning,
Told me ’bout the new love you found.
I said I’m happy for you,
I’m really happy for you.
Source: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/

20050617

Standard.

Alright, the results of the ESC Election is out. Wei Jian will be the new ESC President, while Janice will be the new Vice-President. Myself, I came in 5th position for the most number of votes, so I won't know my position till the meeting with the rest of the new ESC Committee. Anyway, congratulations to everyone who got in, and special thanks to all those that voted for me. Jeremy got in as well! =)

On another note, some people are already playing games. Sigh. It's quite sad, especially when you really thought of them as friends. They try psyching you into taking other positions, so they can have the positions they want, and whatnots. I wouldn't mind taking any position to be honest, provided everyone is actually selfless. However, this isn't a perfect world. People fight for power, not because they know they're capable enough to serve the school, but for their own stupid reasons. It's quite sad to see all these when we, the new committee, have not even officially stepped up. Anyway, other than a select few, I think it would be fun working with everyone!

Recently, I started talking to people that I haven't been talking to for ages (MSN Messenger, SMS). It's fun in a way, but then again, I realise I'm just a form of entertainment to some of them. Well, well. There're the really interesting ones that want to know what you look like before continuing a conversation. It's a sin to be ugly, it seems. This world is just so fucking superficial. If these people could take a look at themselves, they'll probably see they're rotten inside. Anyway, it might seem like I'm whining, but hey, whatever makes you happy.

I'm not trying to sound all angelic and shit, I won't deny I do care about how a girl looks like. But that wouldn't stop me from being friends with anyone, pretty, ugly, or pretty ugly. However, I won't want a friend who's ugly inside, no matter how pretty she is. It spoils my mood completely.

Anyway, was blog-surfing just now to kill some. Saw one of my friend's friend's blog, and it seems that she just broke up. Anyway, it's pretty sad to see someone giving up all hope on love, and shit just because someone broke his/her heart. So yeah... =(. Personally, I always ask myself, "What if it wasn't love to begin with?" Then again, it might be self-consoling, but it gives me hope, so who cares? Of course, I do miss the sweet times, and still dream of her every now and then, and still feel that it was love. Lol... That doesn't mean I can't hope, right? Maybe love is something I haven't experienced yet. Fuck, I'm a self-consoling fool. All I'm *really* trying to say is, have some hope, love does exist. Among friends and family. Surely love between two people has to exist too, right? Otherwise most of us wouldn't be here. If our parents didn't fall in love and made love, you wouldn't even be here. I said MOST, of course there're the minority, but I'm not going to elaborate. Sorry =).

I love listening to sad, depressing love songs when I'm sad. To some, it makes them feel worse. To me, it gives me this sense of enlightenment. No idea why, but it helps me accept things more. So here's a song for all the heartbroken ones out there:

Nine Days - Wanna Be
To watch the leaves grow on the trees with you
Is out of question
I walk into this summer all alone
The usual session
You feel your instinct then you act
But was it your intention?
To leave me down and broken
Now you've ended our ascension

I still can feel the beach sand in my shoes
Remember when?
We talked along the ocean's song
'Til blue from black fade in
But that was then I learned to live
Without you far within
I ask you why you're back to try
To let me lose again

You brought me here
You wet my taste
You disappear
Without a trace
It wasn't me who made the call

'Cause now I wanna be
Where you sleep
Where you laugh
Where you breathe
And I hate to say
Still I swear
Brown your eyes
Gone away

Should I feel some closure
I deserve if that at least
And would you be so kind to show
Reasons for your release
You woke me up from a distant past
I left behind complete
The message that you sent that night
Now falls to bittersweet

Or was it me?
My honesty
You fail to show
I never know
It wasn't me who made the call

'Cause now I wanna be
Where you sleep
Where you laugh
Where you breathe
And I hate to say
Still I swear
Brown your eyes
Gone away

Was it me?
My honesty
You fail to show
I never know
You brought me here
You wet my taste
You disappear
Without a trace
Did you think I'd ever lead you wrong?
Just know I'll save all of our moments
That we are

And still I wanna be
Where you sleep
Where you laugh
Where you breathe
And I hate to say
Still I swear
Brown your eyes
Gone away

Now I wanna be
Someday you'll wish you never
Where you sleep
Someday you'll wish you never
Where you laugh
Someday you'll wish you never
Where you breathe
Someday you'll wish you never
And I hate to say
Someday you'll wish you never
Still I swear
Someday you'll wish you never
Brown your eyes
Someday you'll wish you never
Gone away
Someday you'll wish you never
You took it all the way (and)
You took it all away
Source: http://www.sing365.com/

CHEER UP! Don't attitude LA!

Site Update: Hope you all like the new song. Thanks to Geri for the song! She sent it to me quite some time ago though =P.

20050615

Re.

Imagine watching someone precious to you becoming less and less of the person you knew with each passing day. You're just an observer, someone who probably understands the most, but has the least power. You can try to bring the old her back, but you'd probably die trying. Or maybe, you already know, whatever you do, the old her's never coming back. You can't do anything, can you? All you can do is watch and ache. Watch her change as your heart aches. Tell me, what would you do?

No, I'm not even saying that you love her. Maybe you loved her. Even then, she was, and will probably be someone precious to you for the rest of your life. What would you do? Move on with life, and act like this person never existed? Or keep holding on, hoping that someday the old her will return, maybe not as a lover, but at least as a friend. At least, as someone you can recognize. What would you do?

Add that to the fact that you're currently facing more problems than the average person at your age should face, what would you do? You hate whining, and the truth is, you do feel lucky compared to others around you. Yet, these problems affect you so much they tear your sould apart. So what if you're good results, or good whatever? Who's there to share the joy? Who's there to share the pain? You were never the type who could ignore the problems. You just keep challenging them, until they're all solved. Yet, every once in a while, something without a solution comes up. So, what would you do?

You probably want to find someone to blame, yet the only person you can think of happens to be someone who was, and still is, very precious to you. Even then, you feel like a product of all the games played by everyone around you. A product without a will. A product of this society. What would you do? You'd probably still hug her when you see her. No, not probably. You know you'll still hug her, and just wish that time stops. Yet, you also know that some things once gone, will never return again. As much as people always say nothing's impossible, you know it yourself, that some things are really impossible.

As though that's not bad enough, you come across things that completely shatter your beliefs. Even some of your friends turn out to be completely different from what you thought they were.

Why did things turn out this way, when all you ever wished for was for a little happiness, together with all the precious ones around you?

20050609

Shameless Plug

Update, Finally.

I've been trying to blog for the past few days, but each time after I type a paragraph, I've no idea what to write next. So I always end up signing out, without actually posting anything. There's just so much on my mind, yet so little of them can actually be phrased into proper sentences by me.

A lot of things have happened recently, not just to me, but around me. First of all, a friend's mother passed away recently. Let's all pray for a moment for their family. I don't know what else to say, but to my friend, we're all here if you need anything.

From that incident, I've come to realise how fragile a human life really is. You know, we constantly whine about our problems. What problems? What is "hate" compared to the feeling of losing someone you love? No girlfriend? No boyfriend? Get a life, move on. I'm ashamed of my constant complaining as well. To my friend, you're really strong, and I respect that.

Other than that, SIP has already started for me like a week ago. It's been quite fun, working with Wee Quan and Willie. Both of them are really dependable. We've been doing a lot of research, and it's honestly very fun working with them. Willie and I have managed to come up with a couple of applications that are important to our project, while Wee Quan is constantly working hard, trying to grasp and understand VB.NET. The other group working with us is working hard as well. Yay!

However, where there's good, there's bad. Sadly, I'm stuck in the lab with people who I'd rather have nothing to do with. The same people who caused others to take sides, and whatnots. Cool. One of them seems to have an eye problem. He constantly stares at us. Not us, as in my group. But us, as in nearly everyone he doesn't know. I think he's trying hard to remember our faces. Another one constantly acts like he doesn't give a damn about you, but while I was explaining code the other day he tried listening. Also, he loves staring too. However, similar poles repel. Whenever I look back at them they turn away. I don't stare, to begin with. I simply make eye contact and try to smile, but by the time my mouth starts curling their heads start bowing! Damn. They're really sensitive too. Like the other day Jeremy opened the door for me and I was talking to him, and somehow I got accused of scolding one of them. Lol. Talk about self-conscious. He went on to tell Andrew not to talk to me. Hey boy, how about I give you a sweet and you be my friend? Anyway, as though that wasn't enough, Mr. Eye Problem decided to pass some rather sarcastic comments towards one of my group mates! In spite of the fact that my group mate helped him install Visual Studio .NET 2003. Yeah, we play games 24/7, according to him. Well, it's better than behaving like a boot-licker 24/7 anyway, so, whatever makes him happy! Anyway I'll probably talk to them soon, although they'll definitely back out on their words again.

But I'm thankful, I'm not one of you. To someone who might or might not be a friend, get a backbone.

Anyway, enough about my SIP so far. It's 98% fun, 1% tiring, and 1% irritating. That 1% irritating would be gone soon. I'm learning how to ignore people who aren't needed.

You know, to me, you're either a friend, or you're not. There's no in between. However, to some people, they categorize friends. "Useful friends.", "Useless junk.", etc. To them, a friend is USEFUL, not helpful. Haha.

Last but not least, I received good news today! I got into the Director's List again =). Hehe. My mother and father were both very happy when they heard it ^_^. Also, someone whose name I shan't mentioned was very happy for me too =). Also, Raj told me some good news regarding Nicholas. HEHE ^_^.

Alright, see all of you again sometime soon!

20050606

U2 - With Or Without You

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I’m waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body bruised, she’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
With or without you

Source: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/

20050605

I think I've lost the ability to blog recently. Bye.

20050602

Backstreet Boys - Incomplete

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can’t find no rest
Where I’m going is anybody’s guess

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It’s written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

I don’t mean to drag it on, but I can’t seem to let you go
I don’t wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Incomplete

Source: http://www.sing365.com/

20050529

Computer Maintenance + More

Well, a few days ago, I came home, and found out my sister somehow managed to get my PC infected with some spyware. Ad-Aware returned 1 result, and I cleaned it, of course. However, I didn't feel at ease. So today, I did some searching, and came across Spy Sweeper, by Webroot. It found 2 more spyware! Sigh =(. Anyway, it's a 30-day trial, but it works, and it works well. Give it a try at http://www.webroot.com.

Anyway, since it's been a long time since I played around with my computer (ok that sounds perverted), I did some "maintenance". Did a defragmentation, and ran all the virus/spyware scanners I have. Alright, it's just one antivirus software, and Ad-Aware, Spybot S & D, Spy Sweeper, CWShredder, and HijackThis! It was quite fun. Also, I cleaned my "Prefetch" folder. Read about it here.

That's all. I've been wanting to do a re-install of my OS for a long time, but I'm really lazy. Moreover it's still working well. The weird thing is, my sister always hangs it, and till now I've no idea why, or how. She simply tries playing a video file in Winamp and it hangs. I play audio and video files on Winamp all the time and nothing happens. Weird.

More on my life... I went to Boon Tiong's house around 12.30am and it's the first time in like 3 months that all the HDKs are together. Anyway, we went for supper, and then proceeded to buy some alcoholic drinks to my house. So it was a night of drinking and fun =).

Anyway, I slept at 5am, and woke up around 6.30am to go to Yio Chu Kang to collect some "Scholarship" cheque with my mother. Well, I got $350 for nothing, so I shan't complain. Went down to Ang Mo Kio after that for the Enzer warehouse sale. The stuff they sell is really cheap! $98 for a 256MB mp3 player. Anyway, my mother bought this mini hi-fi, and it costs only $58! It's not bad for it's price, seriously =).

Last but not least, to a friend, good luck with your girl... Cheer up!

Edit: Oh ya, and I bought 4D. Wish me good luck later on! HEHEHEHE.

Edit #2: When I walked into the darkness, no one tried stopping me. Similarly, as I watch you walk the path I did, I'm not stopping you.

20050527

School...

Well school starts for me next Monday. Sigh and yay. Don't really know if I'm looking forward to it or not, but I don't have a choice anyway.

Anyway, this is not targetted at anyone in particular, everyone in general. Well, whatever makes you happier. You know how some people claim to be your friends, only to talk all kinds of bull behind your back. Even when you know about it, and remain quiet, they go on doing their shit, as though they are actually right. Worse of all, when they see you, they smile and talk like they haven't done anything. Interesting. Well, if you really love whining so much, I can't stop you, can I? One can't help others unless that person's willing to help himself. You can't even be yourself, stop posing. Does being cool make you feel happier? You only give a damn about yourself, but have you ever wondered what your friends have done for you? Keep this in mind. A friend might not be doing things the way you want them to, but they probably mean you well. At the very least, they don't bullshit behind your back. You are all talk, really. Talking about friendships, about life, about love, about everything, LIKE YOU KNOW IT ALL. Think about it, do you? You only THINK you know. Even when you don't, you wear a mask and act like you do. Dude, I'm not a kid. If you intend to act, please act well. It's so damn easy to see through your mask, your facade.

As I've stated earlier, this isn't targetted at anyone. I love ranting. But if you're affected by what I've said it's probably you.

Alright, enough crap from me. On the brighter side of things, I finally bought a bag from Topman/Topshop today. Hehe. Maclean accompanied me, although he was quite noisy, complaining about going home late and whatnots. Like a wussy! Joking =P. Also, I've a Acer jacket! One of my colleagues didn't want his so I took it, thanks a lot!

Isolation isn't escaping from reality, it's to find out who I really am, what I really want, and where I really belong.

20050526

That's It.

I was watching some episodes from Friends Season 2 yesterday, and there's this episode in which Chandler constantly worries and complains about being single for life, about not getting married, because he keeps on breaking up with perfectly fine women just because of a single superficial flaw. Well, something to that extent. So he decided to change and at the end of the episode, he finds the girl he's going out with to have a head that's too big. It was quite funny. Pity I didn't watch Friends when they showed it on TV =(.

Anyway, today I think I saw the prettiest girl I've ever seen face to face. Really pretty, I don't even know what to say.

Finally An Update!

HI ALL, I'm updating, finally =). Been pretty busy for the past 2 weeks or so. The CEN Initialisation went well, although some, or should I say most, of the students weren't exactly enthusiastic =(. The ENG Orientation that took place after that was pretty fun as well. Got to make some friends, and whatnots. You see the amount of passion some people have, and you can't help but respect them.

Anyway, started working on Tuesday, although I didn't work today (Wednesday). Woke up feeling giddy, so yeah. I had a haircut yesterday, might be due to that. Lol. Now I look like an army boy =(. On another note, I got Alan to help me with buying a pair of Panasonic RP-HJE50 earphones through Yahoo! Auctions. They cost me $51.00 =(. Thanks to Alan for helping me pay first! Sometime around mid-June I might go for the Sony MDR-EX81 earphones as well. Well, it all depends on how much money I'll have at that time. Haha =).

So, life's pretty much still the same. Except I'm growing older. I think I more or less know what I'm going to do for the next few months or so. See you people around, let the love blossom, let the hate burn. Lol.

20050516

^_^

Alright, it's the CEN Initialisation in approximately 6 hours. As much as I'm looking forward to it, I'm really tired and worn out from all the working and club meetings. But hey, it's my juniors! I still have to make sure that everything goes well. Thankfully, my committee has been really great, all doing their respective jobs real well =). Wish us good luck!

On to what's been on with my life...

Hm, been busy working and having meetings... It's kind of fun though. Like you're busy all the time. That way, my mind won't wander off unnecessarily. However, I've still yet to change my sleeping habits. As a result, I'm almost always tired while I'm awake. Haha =P.

Nothing really significant happened for me to blog about, other than this one incident. I went to Sim Lim Square with Hilmi and Taufiq after work to get some printer catridges. While walking around trying to find the lowest price possible, Taufiq entered this shop. I can't remember the shop name, but it was selling all the Apple & Sony stuff. Anyway, found out that one of the salesgirl working there was from my primary school. We were even in the same class in primary three. Well, I couldn't remember her at that point in time. She couldn't remember my name either. Anyway, I got her number so we could keep in touch. It practically made my day. This doesn't happen everyday. Sometimes you see friends you haven't seen in 2 years and you already have problems remembering them, and we're talking about 10 years or so here. By the way, she's quite cute-looking =X.

After that, the three of us basically walked from place to place. We went to Beach Road where Taufiq literally spent 2 hours or so just to get some clothes =X. Walked to Bugis after that. Taufiq left shortly after, and again, it's me and Hilmi. We had nothing to do, and simply walked around, sight-seeing. Went to Seiyu, and saw some really nice stuff. There's this Renoma bag that's super classy. $336 dollars though =(.

Anyway, we took bus 10 from somewhere around Esplanade (yes, we walked there), and I basically slept throughout the bus ride. It was quite an interesting ride though. There was a couple in front of me, and many a times when I woke up I could see how much the girl was enjoying being touched by the guy ^_^. The facial expressions, I tell you, it's cool. OMG! *Klok* Bee Lay! I think Hilmi slept throughout the ride as well. Anyway, went off to Boon Tiong's house after that, where I had a good time with the HDKs.

Ever had the feeling you don't really know what's going on with yourself? Like, one moment you want to do this, yet the next time you're completely opposed to what you planned to do. Like you don't even know what you want.

That's all. Bye bye =P. I'm off to sleep. Got to wake up in 3 hours... ZzZzZzZ.

20050513

On May 12, I was around Somerset's MRT Station when I saw this man walking around by dragging himself with his arms. He seemed to have been wounded, as there were bandages around his arms and on his face. At that point in time, all I did was to wonder if he's alright, if it's because he can't use his legs at all. All I did was to watch. After a while, he dragged himself past me, and my friends, and all I did was to continue watching. Shortly after, a lady went to him. It seemed like she gave him some cash, and she also asked if he's alright. The lady then went off. I watched on, and the man actually closed his eyes, and clasped his hands together, praying. At that point in time, I really wanted to go forward and help him, maybe give him some of my money or something. But I didn't. I remain rooted to the ground, not knowing what I should do. I kept on wondering what I can do to help, when all I could, and should, have done was to approach him and ask if he's alright. At the very least, he could be happy in knowing that someone else bothered. But I didn't. I only watched on, just like the hundreds of thousands of people who did the same thing, as this man dragged himself on, probably in a country he wasn't even born in.

To this man, I know you won't be reading this, but I really hope you're fine. Sorry, that all I could do was watch on, just like everyone else. Just like the society I dislike so much. Really, sorry.

20050510

2U

Hey, you examinations ended today right? All the best for your results =).

20050508

.

There's so many things on my mind, yet I can't write anything about them at all. Everytime I get some inspiration to write, I end up not knowing where, or how, to start.

I could've sworn I know exactly what I want to write a few minutes ago, but the moment I try, I'm stuck.

I think somewhere in me, I've already given up.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there! I doubt anyone who's a mother reads this blog though. Haha =P.
I've been thinking so much of the future, that I've completely lost touch with the present.

Every once in a while, I get this feeling that I want to be stronger and whatnots, that I know exactly what I want in life. However, this doesn't last. Everything just holds no meaning.

I don't know anything, really.

a1 - Everytime
[MARK:] LATELY I'M NOT WHO I USED TO BE
SOMEONE'S COME AND TAKEN ME
WHERE I DON'T WANNA GO
IF I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE TO DO
IN ORDER TO BE THERE FOR YOU
WHEN YOU WERE FEELING LOW

[BEN:] AND ALL THE THINGS WE EVER WANTED
WERE ONCE YOURS AND MINE
NOW, I KNOW WE CAN REVIVE IT
ALL THE LOVE WE LEFT

[PAUL:] EVERYTIME I KISS I FEEL YOUR LIPS AND
EVERYTIME I CRY I SEE YOUR SMILE AND
EVERYTIME I CLOSE MY EYES I REALISE THAT
EVERYTIME I HOLD YOUR HAND IN MINE
THE SWEETEST THING MY HEART COULD EVER FIND
AND I HAVE NEVER FELT THIS WAY
SINCE THE DAY I GAVE YOUR LOVE AWAY

[CHRISTIAN:] SAVE ME, I'VE FALLEN FROM MY DESTINY
YOU AND I WERE MEANT TO BE
I'VE THROWN IT ALL AWAY
NOW YOU'RE GONE
IT'S TIME FOR ME TO CARRY ON
BUT BABY I JUST CAN'T GO ON
WITHOUT YOU BY MY SIDE

[BEN:] AND ALL THE THINGS WE EVER WANTED
WERE ONCE YOURS AND MINE
NOW, I KNOW WE CAN REVIVE IT
ALL THE LOVE WE LEFT

[PAUL:] EVERYTIME I KISS I FEEL YOUR LIPS AND
EVERYTIME I CRY I SEE YOUR SMILE AND
EVERYTIME I CLOSE MY EYES I REALISE THAT
EVERYTIME I HOLD YOUR HAND IN MINE
THE SWEETEST THING MY HEART COULD EVER FIND
AND I HAVE NEVER FELT THIS WAY
SINCE THE DAY I GAVE YOUR LOVE AWAY

[BEN:] WE CAN SURVIVE IT
ALL THE PAIN WE FEEL INSIDE
YOU RELIED ON ME AND NOW I'VE LET YOU DOWN
NOW, I PROMISE YOU FOREVER
I WILL BE THE BEST I CAN
NOW, I KNOW WE CAN REVIVE IT
ALL THE LOVE WE LEFT

[PAUL:] EVERYTIME I KISS I FEEL YOUR LIPS AND
EVERYTIME I CRY I SEE YOUR SMILE AND
EVERYTIME I CLOSE MY EYES I REALISE THAT
EVERYTIME I HOLD YOUR HAND IN MINE
THE SWEETEST THING MY HEART COULD EVER FIND
AND I HAVE NEVER FELT THIS WAY
SINCE I GAVE YOUR LOVE AWAY

EVERYTIME I KISS I FEEL YOUR LIPS AND
EVERYTIME I CRY I SEE YOUR SMILE AND
EVERYTIME I CLOSE MY EYES I REALISE THAT
EVERYTIME I HOLD YOUR HAND IN MINE
THE SWEETEST THING MY HEART COULD EVER FIND
AND I HAVE NEVER FELT THIS WAY
SINCE THE DAY I GAVE YOUR LOVE AWAY
Source: http://www.azlyrics.com/

Nine Inch Nails - All The Love In The World

Watching all the insects march along
Seem to know right where they belong
Smears of face reflecting in the chrome
Hiding in the crowd i'm all alone

Noone's heard a single word I've said
They don't sound as good outside my head
It looks as if the past is here to stay
I've become a million miles a--

Why do you get all the love in the world? [x2]

All the jagged edges dissapear
Colors all look brighter when you're near
The stars are all a fire in the sky
Sometimes I get soo lonely I could--

Why do you get all the love in the world
Source: http://www.azlyrics.com/

20050506

In case you don't know, most people don't exactly like you. Your fucking ego, self-centred ideas will take you nowhere. Seriously. I've been keeping quiet, that's all. In fact I find it pointless to even quarrel with you. Other than money, what do you have that I do not have? Do I not supercede you in just about everything? Even then, I always refrain from insulting someone I consider a friend.

But then, you do not do the same thing. You care only about yourself. You insult your friends like they're dirt, like they're simply tools for you to use. Go figure. Can you really keep to your word? At the very least, the people you scolded on your blog are good friends. Money? Use people? Don't talk what you can't walk. If it wasn't for the sake of some people I would've done what you did; putting your name here openly, in spite of the fact that I am a fucking hypocrite, smiling at you even when I hate it. I've my reasons, and no, it's not to use you like a tool. I simply hate acting cool and finding trouble, nothing else.

Moreover, I don't intend to spoil everyone's mood just because of you. Think about it, how would you feel if I publicly insult you in front of all your friends? Hm, must be cool right?

You whine about your life, when the fact is you're probably much better off than most of us. I can get a girlfriend? Just that I don't want to? Sorry, unlike you, I don't intend to go steady with just about any girl.

It's because of people like you that makes me wonder, "WHAT'S THE USE OF FRIENDS WHEN THEY'RE ONLY OUT TO USE YOU?" But then again, I've great friends around me. HDKs, D4SH, some of the CENT people, Alan and friends, and others. These are the people who were there when I needed them, whether I whined or not. If you intend to whine about your life, go whine to the wall, since every single advice others give you is considered "stupid" anyway. Since we don't understand you.

Friends? You know, I really thought you were a friend. I even covered your ass and didn't do many things I could've done. Even when close friends like H tell me you're probably an asshole. When you trust, you get betrayed? Look who's betraying who.

20050502

- Stop using vulgarities as much as possible.
- Do more good deeds.
- Enjoy life.

How? =(
Sometimes I can see the beauty in everyone, but most of the time I see the ugliness in everyone. That, of course, includes myself.

For a long time I've been fighting. Fighting against the tendency to simply judge someone based on looks. I thought I've succeeded, but then again, it's "thought".

If I could I would really like to overcome evil with good, to take things easy, to look on the bright side all the time, to be able to forgive and not bear any grudges, the list goes on. I'm able to do that every once in a while, and when I do I feel happy. But after that, I'll probably ask myself "For what?"

Forget it, I don't know what I'm talking about.

20050429

Today...

My mother gave me some cash today to buy a new pair of sneakers =P. Initially I thought it was a dream as I was half-asleep when that happened, but thankfully, when I woke up, opened my wallet, there it was! Haha.

Anyway, went to school at 10.30am for a meeting. There was supposed to be a meeting at 9.30am with Mr. Clement Chew and Jeremy, but I overslept. In fact, I don't even remember how I fell asleep last night. The meeting with ESC ended around 1+pm. It was quite ok, much better than the previous one. There's this girl Janice, or something, that's really hyper. Lol ^_^.

After the meeting, I went to Tampines Mall's Converse to get my shoes. As luck would have it, it was sold out. Another design that I also liked was also sold out. So I went home, gave Tiong Guan a call, and both of us went to Bugis' Converse. Again, it was sold out. Haha. Since I won't be having much time next week, we went on to Suntec City's Converse. Sold out. Lol. We then went to Heeren's. We saw Isabel working for California Fitness. Haha. Talked for a while before going to Heeren's. Well, it's sold out as well, but they have the high cut ones. The girls working there are really sweet. As in, they smile, say thanks and whatnots in their sweet voices =). Haha =P. Anyway, I bought the high cut one, before going to Cineleisure to meet Alan for a while. He's working at Cocoon. Talked for a while before going home.

On the way home, something unexpected happened. I mean, it's a small thing, but it was nice. There's this girl who hit me accidentally while walking past. And she actually said "Sorry." Of course, I replied "It's ok.", and she actually turned around and smile. To some of you this might be nothing, I might seem like I'm exaggerating things, but it's really rare to see people like this, males or females alike. As stupid as it sounds, it actually made me smile.

So there you have it, my day. Thanks to Kelvin, Hilmi, Alan and Maclean for constantly picking up my call. LOL. Asking them "WHERE ELSE GOT CONVERSE?" =)))

20050428

Life Recently...

On Monday, I was at the helpdesk, as usual. Nothing much really happened, except for one or two really irritating calls. Most of my friends already know about it =P. However, from Tuesday till today, I've been working for Acer at the Singapore American School. It's a really nice place.

When I stepped in I was rather taken aback. There's actually a gurka (don't know how to spell that) with a gun guarding the school. Anyway, once in, it felt like another world, like another city altogether. You see people of all nationalities mixing with one another, yet all talking with the same accent. Haha. The people there, from the youngest students to the oldest teachers, are mostly very friendly. I think these foreigners are really nice. They smile as you as you walk by, wish you good afternoon, regardless of age, sex, or race. Who the hell says Singapore is multi-racial? Yeah, we sure are multi-racial, in the sense that we don't have racial riots like in the past. But do we smile and greet others as we walk by? No. Even if it's the same race. It's stupid. I've tried starting conversations with males and females alike while bored (waiting in line to have a haircut, etc.), and I ALWAYS get weird looks. Like what the hell? Is it wrong if I ask how's your day?

So there you go. Anyway, SAS is literally a self-contained city. The girls there are mostly very pretty. I worked only on Tuesday and today actually, as I was sick yesterday. I was pretty much stuck with the young kids on Tuesday, but today I got a chance to walk around, and some girls are really really pretty. Anyway, the young kids are pretty fun to talk to as well. They go like, "Hey is that a new CPU?" and whatnots. Really friendly.

However, within every community there is always bound to be a black sheep I guess =(. Sadly, the black sheeps I've encountered are all Singaporeans, and even worse, they're the people I'm directly under while working for SAS. I won't elaborate too much out of respect, but some people should know their position. Making us cleaners and then telling us "You don't mind right? Since Acer is paying." is definitely not a nice comment =).

To end it off, SAS is a really nice school. Although it was just two days, I'm already missing the friendly environment in there. Really cool! Go SAS! Haha =).

On another note, I'm supposed to go to school for two meetings tomorrow. Sigh. I don't mind meetings, but sometimes it's held so late and at such a weird time it screws up your plan, completely. There goes a day of work =(.

Anyway, I met H (as usual), after work today, and we went Bugis. FFS it's been like 3 months or more since I stepped into Bugis. It was pretty fun, and we finally saw some things that we intend to buy once we get our pay. Yay.

Today Knight, one of my colleagues, told us some stuff about himself. Very nice person. The best thing he said today was probably something that goes like "The Chinese believe if you got it wrong the first time, you don't know how to do it. If someone teaches you, and you get it wrong the second time, you probably forgot. But if you get it wrong the third time, you're doing it on purpose." Haha =).

WTF? My CD-R EXPLODED!

Hi all, I was running Knoppix 3.8.1 off the CD I just burnt when I heard a damn loud sound. I looked around and nothing dropped or anything like that. Then I heard some weird sounds from my drive, and my Knoppix system hanged. I turned off the computer, open my drive, and this is what I saw.

When I Opened The Drive...

After Removing The Drive & Shaking It...

After Some More Removing...

What A Proper CD-R Looks Like...

My Drive =(.

Damn. My question is, is it the drive at fault? Or is it the CD-R? I don't know whether to laugh or be shocked. Sigh.

Just for the fun of it, I uploaded the actual full resolution pictures. Download them here.

I just did some reading, seems that if a cracked/damaged CD is spun at over 50X there's a high chance of "exploding". LOL. BUT IT WAS A BRAND NEW CD!!! Damn. I just downloaded it, burnt it, and ran it! Sigh =(.

20050425

=)

Damn, sorry I didn't write a Long Post Part III. I was rather busy after lunch time, so yeah =(. Anyway, I met H after work, as usual, and we went to Woodlands together to meet his friend Kimberley. Well, won't elaborate too much, but she's one sweetie pie.

Thanks to H and Kimberley for such a great day ^^.

On another note, there has been lots of weird occurences/coincidences recently. A good example would be the butter cookies that H ate today. The brand is Danisa, which is very similar to his ex-girlfriend's name. And my ex-girlfriend's recent nick was "addicted to you; butter cookies". I know it might seem to some of you as "over"-thinking, but there's many other similar things that happened. Really weird, like my life is some sort of game =(.

Long Post Part II

hello everyone, here i am again. i'm currently working, at the helpdesk as usual. got some bad calls already. haha. today there was this pregnant lady on the mrt, and not a single soul offered her a seat. i was standing, so i couldn't do shit. damn. you know people are really selfish sometimes. self-conscious too. i do know one of the reasons why people don't offer their seats is because they're afraid of the attention they'll get. for fuck's sake be yourself. it's quite sad, really.

i titled this "Long Post Part II" mainly because i'll probably be blogging from now till i end work, which is around 5.30pm, and now's only 9.45am. secondly, i didn't exactly type everything i wanted to in the previous post, but then again, i never do. haha. i'm currently on phone with this person who's quite easy to talk to, and he's currently backing up his stuff. got to stop typing once he's done, at least temporarily.

i think it's nice to help people, when you help others you feel happy, and most of the time you'll help yourself. moreover it helps your karma, if you believe in it. it's actually pretty nice to work here. i don't know much about working life, but i'm thankful for a rather nice working environment. my supervisor doesn't use his authority at all, and most of my colleagues are really friendly. moreover, i'm using this computer which actually has a tv tuner card built in, so i can watch tv when i've nothing to do. i spend most of my time listening to the songs on my mp3 player though. of course i have to listen at a reasonable volume.

however, helpdesk isn't as fun as the previous area i worked in. testing computers for a certain organisation. it was much more fun as it's basically my interest. but yeah, helpdesk is still ok. the pay is good, overtime is good too. $8 an hour, $12 for overtime. quite good. hehe. thanks to chin ming who introduced me and a couple of friends to this job. based on my calculations with h last night, i should be able to earn around $800, hopefully. as such, i've come up with a list of things to buy:

shoes & sneakers - $100
bag - $30
wallet - $60
hauppauge wintv pvr 150 - $170

so roughly $400 is gone. fuck. but at least i'm buying it with my own money, and i'm happy. lol. i think i'm really easily contented. well, when it comes to certain things anyway. h is probably going to spend a $300 or so too to get an mp3 player, shoes, bag, hard disk, and some memory. damn, it's been a long time since i bought something for myself. yay. my life seems fun, after such a long time. well, in a way. one of the things i've learned is never to expect people to respect you, whether they're older or younger than you, whether you've helped them or harmed them, whatever. instead, command respect. also, don't expect people to appreciate you even if you gave up your free time or whatever, and helped them with their project. you won't get it. probably one out of twenty will appreciate you. instead of whining, just take it as self-improvement. well, it's self-consolation, but there's still a little truth in it.

let's see, i was talking about dreams yesterday... well, my dreams are turning into nightmares. lol. if you've read the manga berserk before, there's this really nice quote that goes something like "a true friend does not only share your dreams, but has his own dreams as well. moreover, he'll pursue it at all costs." it's quite true actually. however, in that manga, the amount of respect the characters have for one another is immense, unlike this world. the number of friends i have that i truly respect, and respect me, is countable with my fingers. i'm not too sure if i've to use my toes. lol. ok back to topic, dreams. so what are your dreams? will you achieve it at the cost of destroying someone else's?

yesterday my mother told me something nice, it went like "there're people out there working for luxury, but i am working to survive." it's true. some people are already rich enough to do most things, yet they go on working stupidly. for materials. there's this book written by a local author titled "the invisible trade". it's actually about social escorts, and it's a nice book actually. most of the social escorts working here are actually holding rather high positions in office. well, the book might be exaggerating, but i'm sure there's some truth in it. it's a pretty interesting book, talking about everything from bdsm to gay social escorts. some "stories" are quite funny. things like this businessman requestion the social escort to pee or shit on his face. they're named "golden shower" and "brown shower" respectively. weird fetishes.

in another hour or so i'm going for lunch. i need lunch. i slept close to 4am last night thanks to h. we were watching some amazing videos. amazing stunts and tricks. no, it's not porn. it's team ryouko. www.teamryouko.com. on a side note, i don't share porn. lol. so basically i slept at 4am and woke up at 6.30am. and the main thing i'm trying to say is i'm damn tired now. to add to that, i worked out last evening. and my body's really aching now. fuck, i need it. i mean, i need rest.

lately i've been thinking if i really should bother about some friends. you know, there's this saying that goes something like "never offer help unless asked", and i think it's really true. there're some people i honestly care about, but i'm often misunderstood. well, not like i can help them much anyway. it's like i just want to be a listening ear to them, but i'm considered a nuisance. weird. it's not like i go "yo what are you problems?", "come on tell me i'll listen.", "bitch you listening? tell me what's wrong!" in fact i only say "hey if there's something wrong i'll listen." but i don't even get a reply! or i'll be stopped in my tracks with a simple "hey i'm busy now sms you later." but you know, i know, we all know, the sms that's supposed to come later never comes. if you don't know by now, i'm referring to my female friends. male friends are much easier. "you're sad? never mind la, let's go drink tonight." or something like that. or "come let's play cs." and at the end of the day/night, we'll either be dead drunk, or laughing our asses off due to the game or whatever we're enjoying.

but you know, whatever you're enjoying, it'll probably be much nicer if someone special was there. unless you're out having sex, or making love if you prefer to call it that, with another person. lol. then again, a threesome isn't exactly a bad idea. ok, just joking, but i know you're offended. don't fucking give me bullshit like "i love singlehood." and shit. just admit, either your partner was a lousy boyfriend/girlfriend, you were a lousy girlfriend/boyfriend, or both of you were lousy, or things just didn't work out, or you are just running away from your problems.

anyway, to a certain someone, good luck for your upcoming examinations =).

a tear drops, but you don't know why...

i was telling h how nice it would be if i was attached right now. let's say i bought the tv tuner card, i would be excitedly telling my girlfriend how fun it is, even if she's a computer idiot. or if i bought the shoes, i would be wearing it and asking her, and joking around. you know, all the fun stuff. and then stupidly hit her, or something. anyway it's just a dream. i can't make a girl come into my life can i? like how? "god, please make a girl ask for my number on the streets today." or something? lol. sorry ^^.

a tear drops, but you don't know why
it's been a while since you last cried

fuck it. i'm having a writer's block. well i'm no writer, i'm a whiner. haha.

ok, i've decided. i'll write a part iii after my lunch if i feel like writing one. for now, it's the end, i guess. no idea what to write. and my lunch's at 12.30pm. just 15 minutes more.

don't worry be happy.

20050424

Long Post

i was born a dreamer. at the age of five, i was thinking of how to protect my parents in future. all of us are born dreamers. when we were young we wanted to be firemen, policemen, doctors, scientists, and who knows what. i wanted to be a firemen, putting out fires and saving the helpless. i wanted to be a scientist too, so that one day i can make some great cure that could stop death. when i was five i was already worried about my parents dying. no idea why, probably due to too much tv. basically, i wanted to be a hero. i wanted to be nice, to be recognised. i wanted to be a good child, and a great person.

those were the days. i wish i could've written all these back then, but at that time we were all learning how to spell, much less write. if i could've written all these honest feelings back then, i would probably not be so lost right now. at the very least, i would've a reference to my dreams. i used to write diaries, but i seem to have lost them all, except for one or two "digital" diaries writting using either microsoft word, or notepad. i still smile each time i read them. i seem so innocent back then, almost idiotic. let's see some of my entries...

Monday, 24 July 2000
... I started it because I think I am wiser now because when times are low, I had a Zig Ziglar motivating book to carry me on. Sometimes, I really feel very hopeless. My family is in financial crisis and I hope that we will get out of it soon. ...


Sunday, 18th February 2001
Hi! We meet again. Over the last few weeks, life has been quite good, although some bad things did happened. I found out that A is actually quite a nice person, and easy to get along with. However, he and B have been quite cynical recently, wonder what’s wrong? I also got to know C and D better, and they are good friends. E is also quite jealous when I talk to D. I don’t know why. It’s not like I’m going to take her away or what, I’m just friends with her. Maybe a little more than that. But hey, I have my morals, I won’t do such despicable things. C is also a very nice gal. Dian likes her a lot =P. F sucks big time, changing from bad to worse. I asked her how she was the other day and her reply was “Why?” I mean, can’t I ask out of concern? Anyway, my studies have been progressing nicely. Hope to do well in my common tests which are coming in a few weeks’ time. Until then, see ya!

P.S: I will try to write in at least once a week. =).


haha, i can't believe i wrote all those back then. it's quite nostalgic actually. to be honest, i don't even know why i'm writing. probably due to boredom, or something. maybe i should start living my life for others... i don't know. a life without dreams is just pointless, a life where you can see your future is equally meaningless. i'd like to live like before, looking forward to tomorrow everyday, wondering what's going to happen. enjoy life. i was talking to an old friend yesterday, yiren, and he said he's surprised to hear me whining about life for once. well, people change. thanks for the talk by the way.

anyway, back to topic, we all had dreams. great dreams, big dreams. but as we grow reality sets in, and most of us give up on our dreams. at the same time, we've new dreams. but what if time and again your dreams get destroyed? i used to think of girls as sweet, innocent angels, but now i'm not so sure anymore. here's what my ex wrote for me in one of the letters, and i think it's really sweet...

Hmm.. There’re times when I missed the ole days whereby we were so innocent and did none of those things, only loving unconditionally. Remember the time after my parents found out about us, and we had to meet secretly early in the morning? It’s either before my school started or before I had track training. We’d meet opposite my house at the playground then I’d leave for school after we talk. Hehe. I really miss that period of time. Coz we were able meet, talk and not do those stuff. We’ll be like that once again kae? I’ve always wanted us to just lie close to each other and either talk or sleep, like the second half of today.:D

Also, I don’t blame you for not being able to trust me completely, coz of what happened previously. Really, I fear I’d hurt you again. I don’t want that to happen. I wished we’d never broken up. I’m sorry. If you decide you don’t want to be with me or anything, just tell me yea? I’m cool with it.:)

Having said my piece, it’s still up to you to decide what is it you really feel and want. These are just what me, a 15-year-old, feels. Hehe. Hope it doesn’t sound too shallow-minded and one-sided.:p Btw, I don’t mean for this to sound pressurizing or pushing kae? I Love You, more than you can ever imagine, even more than I’d expected. Oh ya. Next time I say ‘I love you’, you don’t have to reply kae? I understand you gotta sort yourself out first. I’ll be waiting though, to hear those three words from you.:) hehe. Gotta stop here and sleep liao. Calling you soon! Hehe. Let’s do the Mc Donald kiss! Bleah.:p


yea, those were the days i still had a little bit of my dreams to hold on to. i've been reading up on some quotes recently, and most of the time i see stuff like "overcome evil with good", "good triumps over evil", and whatnots. but i think we all know that's not always true. there're times we've to use evil against evil. i spent this afternoon watching the japanese drama "long vacation", and it's quite touching. watch it if you get a chance to.

sometimes the people you treasure are torturing you unknowingly. you're my treasure and torture, eh? nice rhyme there, but it's a true statement. sometimes people are so sweet and kind to everyone all the time, it hurts. sometimes i think of some people till it hurts inside. well, what can i say? i sms-ed an old friend today, and i didn't know she has broken up with her boyfriend. anyway all i could say was cheer up. well, it didn't seem like she wanted to message anyway, so yeah. just hope she cheers up.

on another note, i saw a kind person the other day offering his seat to a lady carrying her baby, while on the mrt with h the other day. for some odd reason it actually made me smile.

there're some things you can let go of, and some things you can't. but there's a limit to how much you can hold on to. let go of some stuff, and pretty soon you'll be holding on to new things. you know, i'll probably see you again when i die. or after i die.

why do you keep doing what you know is wrong...?