Long Post

i was born a dreamer. at the age of five, i was thinking of how to protect my parents in future. all of us are born dreamers. when we were young we wanted to be firemen, policemen, doctors, scientists, and who knows what. i wanted to be a firemen, putting out fires and saving the helpless. i wanted to be a scientist too, so that one day i can make some great cure that could stop death. when i was five i was already worried about my parents dying. no idea why, probably due to too much tv. basically, i wanted to be a hero. i wanted to be nice, to be recognised. i wanted to be a good child, and a great person.

those were the days. i wish i could've written all these back then, but at that time we were all learning how to spell, much less write. if i could've written all these honest feelings back then, i would probably not be so lost right now. at the very least, i would've a reference to my dreams. i used to write diaries, but i seem to have lost them all, except for one or two "digital" diaries writting using either microsoft word, or notepad. i still smile each time i read them. i seem so innocent back then, almost idiotic. let's see some of my entries...

Monday, 24 July 2000
... I started it because I think I am wiser now because when times are low, I had a Zig Ziglar motivating book to carry me on. Sometimes, I really feel very hopeless. My family is in financial crisis and I hope that we will get out of it soon. ...

Sunday, 18th February 2001
Hi! We meet again. Over the last few weeks, life has been quite good, although some bad things did happened. I found out that A is actually quite a nice person, and easy to get along with. However, he and B have been quite cynical recently, wonder what’s wrong? I also got to know C and D better, and they are good friends. E is also quite jealous when I talk to D. I don’t know why. It’s not like I’m going to take her away or what, I’m just friends with her. Maybe a little more than that. But hey, I have my morals, I won’t do such despicable things. C is also a very nice gal. Dian likes her a lot =P. F sucks big time, changing from bad to worse. I asked her how she was the other day and her reply was “Why?” I mean, can’t I ask out of concern? Anyway, my studies have been progressing nicely. Hope to do well in my common tests which are coming in a few weeks’ time. Until then, see ya!

P.S: I will try to write in at least once a week. =).

haha, i can't believe i wrote all those back then. it's quite nostalgic actually. to be honest, i don't even know why i'm writing. probably due to boredom, or something. maybe i should start living my life for others... i don't know. a life without dreams is just pointless, a life where you can see your future is equally meaningless. i'd like to live like before, looking forward to tomorrow everyday, wondering what's going to happen. enjoy life. i was talking to an old friend yesterday, yiren, and he said he's surprised to hear me whining about life for once. well, people change. thanks for the talk by the way.

anyway, back to topic, we all had dreams. great dreams, big dreams. but as we grow reality sets in, and most of us give up on our dreams. at the same time, we've new dreams. but what if time and again your dreams get destroyed? i used to think of girls as sweet, innocent angels, but now i'm not so sure anymore. here's what my ex wrote for me in one of the letters, and i think it's really sweet...

Hmm.. There’re times when I missed the ole days whereby we were so innocent and did none of those things, only loving unconditionally. Remember the time after my parents found out about us, and we had to meet secretly early in the morning? It’s either before my school started or before I had track training. We’d meet opposite my house at the playground then I’d leave for school after we talk. Hehe. I really miss that period of time. Coz we were able meet, talk and not do those stuff. We’ll be like that once again kae? I’ve always wanted us to just lie close to each other and either talk or sleep, like the second half of today.:D

Also, I don’t blame you for not being able to trust me completely, coz of what happened previously. Really, I fear I’d hurt you again. I don’t want that to happen. I wished we’d never broken up. I’m sorry. If you decide you don’t want to be with me or anything, just tell me yea? I’m cool with it.:)

Having said my piece, it’s still up to you to decide what is it you really feel and want. These are just what me, a 15-year-old, feels. Hehe. Hope it doesn’t sound too shallow-minded and one-sided.:p Btw, I don’t mean for this to sound pressurizing or pushing kae? I Love You, more than you can ever imagine, even more than I’d expected. Oh ya. Next time I say ‘I love you’, you don’t have to reply kae? I understand you gotta sort yourself out first. I’ll be waiting though, to hear those three words from you.:) hehe. Gotta stop here and sleep liao. Calling you soon! Hehe. Let’s do the Mc Donald kiss! Bleah.:p

yea, those were the days i still had a little bit of my dreams to hold on to. i've been reading up on some quotes recently, and most of the time i see stuff like "overcome evil with good", "good triumps over evil", and whatnots. but i think we all know that's not always true. there're times we've to use evil against evil. i spent this afternoon watching the japanese drama "long vacation", and it's quite touching. watch it if you get a chance to.

sometimes the people you treasure are torturing you unknowingly. you're my treasure and torture, eh? nice rhyme there, but it's a true statement. sometimes people are so sweet and kind to everyone all the time, it hurts. sometimes i think of some people till it hurts inside. well, what can i say? i sms-ed an old friend today, and i didn't know she has broken up with her boyfriend. anyway all i could say was cheer up. well, it didn't seem like she wanted to message anyway, so yeah. just hope she cheers up.

on another note, i saw a kind person the other day offering his seat to a lady carrying her baby, while on the mrt with h the other day. for some odd reason it actually made me smile.

there're some things you can let go of, and some things you can't. but there's a limit to how much you can hold on to. let go of some stuff, and pretty soon you'll be holding on to new things. you know, i'll probably see you again when i die. or after i die.

why do you keep doing what you know is wrong...?