20050413

Last Personal Emotional Post, Hopefully...

When I got back my examination results, I really wanted to share it with you, but I didn't, because I know it doesn't matter anymore. It was painful, but when I saw that Boon Tiong also did well, I couldn't help but be happy for him. But the truth is I wasn't happy with myself at all. Not because I didn't get all Distinctions, or all As, or anything like that, but because there's no one special to share it with. Some of my friends were really happy for me, and I'm thankful for that, really. But I know there're also some who are probably more bothered with themselves than with their friends. Sorry if it comes off as offending to some of you.

When I saw you yesterday, although I did tell Hilmi before that I would've liked to say "Fuck off." or something to you if possible, all I could do was smile weakly. You even offered to buy lunch for me. I know, this is nothing to some of you, but for me it's something nice. I don't usually get care or concern from anyone. It just felt like the old times. Everything. The way you smile, the way you look at me, the way you joke, or "insult" yourself for the fun of it, the way I'll always tap your head, or get stopped by you when I'm about to lose my temper. I even sang for you, once again. You even listened to me talk. Everything was the same, except, we aren't a couple anymore. Yet when I hugged you yesterday, I hoped for a moment, that time will just stop there and then.

It's been 10 months since we "officially" broke up, and today, I feel like we've broken up only yesterday. Everything about you is still fresh in my mind. If you really meant what you said yesterday, about what you think love should be like, hold on to it, and I'm sure one day a really great guy will come to you. I really hope you will keep to your word, and do some soul-searching. If you really like that guy, go for it! I'll be here to cheer you on, somehow =). Thank you for being so sweet all these while =).

-

So much for being strong, when I can't even be strong for myself. I'm pathetic, really. I'm scared. Really. Scared of what lies ahead.

-

One day, when I finally walk the path I have to, I really hope there'll be a little bit of light by my side, so I can at least see where I'm walking. Now all I see is emptiness. Black. I don't know where's my path, or what I should do, where to go, when to start, where to end, and when to end. I'm like a blind man walking in darkness. No matter which path I take, it'll all lead to the same ending, death. The question is which path... Will make me happy?

-

To a certain friend, thanks for spending last evening/night with me for a short while =).

-

光良 - 童话
忘了有多久 再没听到你对我说你最爱的故事
我想了很久 我开始慌了 是不是我又做错了什么
你哭着对我说 童话里都是骗人的 我不可能是你的王子
也许你不会懂 从你说爱我以后 我的天空 星星都亮了
我愿变成童话里 你爱的那个天使 张开双手变成翅膀守护你

你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里 幸福和快乐是结局
我要变成童话里 你爱的那个天使 张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里 幸福和快乐是结局
我会变成童话里 你爱的那个天使 张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里 幸福和快乐是结局
一起写我们的结局

Source: http://www.xuxule.com/

Rough Translation:
Guang Liang - Fairy Tale
I've forgotten how long it has been since you told me your favourite fairy tale.
I've been thinking for a long time, started to panic, wondering if I went wrong somewhere.
You told me while crying, that fairy tales are all lies, that there's no way I can be your prince.
Maybe you don't know, but since the day you said you love me, all the stars in my sky are now twinkling.
I'm willing to become the prince in your fairy tale, spread my arms and let them become the wings that protect you.

You must believe that we will be just like in the fairy tale, with happiness as our ending.
I'm want to become the prince in your fairy tale, spread my arms and let them become the wings that protect you.
You must believe that we will be just like in the fairy tale, with happiness as our ending.
I'm will become the prince in your fairy tale, spread my arms and let them become the wings that protect you.
You must believe that we will be just like in the fairy tale, with happiness as our ending.
Let's write our ending together.


Ok, I know it's a lousy translation, but my Chinese really sucks, and that's the best I can do without rewriting everything. It's a direct translation from the above Chinese lyrics, so it's line for line. Hope you like it =).

Yes... You =).

-

Edit (The Above Parts Were Written At 8pm Or So, While The Below Part Is Written At 9pm):
I've had enough of this fucked up family. Everyday I see hell. War between my mother and sister. Between me and the both of them. You know what? YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT BY NOT COMING HOME, GO AHEAD. Time and again the bonds I've worked so hard to create were destroyed by your meaningless petty actions. YOU DON'T WANT A FAMILY, THAT'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM. I WANT A HAPPY FAMILY, at the very least a happy half family. BUT YOU WALLOW IN YOUR SADNESS, WHINING ABOUT THIS AND THAT, SKIPPING SCHOOL, MAKING ME LOSE MY TEMPER. AND IN THE END IT'S MY FAULT? I DON'T MIND CARRYING THE BLAME, BUT YOU DON'T APPRECIATE A SINGLE SHIT. I COVERED UP FOR YOU SO MUCH, HID SO MUCH FROM MUM & DAD FOR YOU, AND YOU DON'T EVEN CARE. KEEP THIS IN YOUR MIND, I DON'T OWE YOU A SINGLE THING. Time and again you broke your promises. When people show you concern you take it for granted. Now I'm sitting here after shouting at Mum. YOU HAPPY NOW? ALL MY LIFE I'VE NEVER CROSSED YOUR PATH INTENTIONALLY, WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT?

YOU KNOW I'VE BEEN TRYING SO HARD TO BELIEVE THERE'S GOOD IN MY LIFE, THAT SOMETHING GREAT, SOMETHING NICE WILL HAPPEN, BUT EVERYTIME ONE OF MY CLOSEST ONES MUST DESTROY ALL THAT I'VE EVER HELD DEAR. GOD, IF YOU WANT ME TO BE A BAD PERSON, JUST TELL ME. I DON'T EVEN BELIEVE IN YOU, WHY MUST YOU DO THESE THINGS? I'VE NEVER EVEN BLAMED YOU, GOD, UNLIKE MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE, BECAUSE I CAN'T BLAME WHAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW EXISTS. BUT TIME AND AGAIN I GET SHIT THROWN AT ME, TIME AND AGAIN I SIMPLY WASH THESE SHIT OFF. EVEN TILL TODAY, I'VE NEVER ONCE INTENTIONALLY GIVE SHIT TO PEOPLE. THE ONLY TIME I EVER "HARM" PEOPLE IS WHILE HAVING FUN WITH MY FRIENDS, AND THAT'S ALL. MUST I CRY YOU A RIVER SO YOU'LL GIVE ME PEACE? OR MUST I START BELIEVING IN YOU? I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE IN THE THINGS I CAN SEE, HOW CAN I BELIEVE IN THE THINGS I CAN'T SEE? TELL ME. ALL I EVER WANTED TO BE WAS A GOOD PERSON, A GOOD SON, A GOOD BOYFRIEND, A GOOD HUSBAND IN FUTURE, BUT EVERYTHING'S BEING TAKEN AWAY FROM ME, ONE AFTER ANOTHER. TIME AND AGAIN I STAND STRONG, HOLD ON, BELIEVING ALL THESE ARE THINGS MEANT TO MADE ME STRONGER. TIME AND AGAIN YOU MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE FOR ME. WHY MUST YOU CONSTANTLY PUSH ME INTO DARKNESS, WHEN ALL I EVER WANTED WAS A LITTLE LIGHT? JUST ENOUGH LIGHT TO LIGHT UP MY FACE. JUST ENOUGH LIGHT TO BELIEVE IN WHAT YOU CALL "GOOD". I ALREADY KNOW I WILL END UP IN HELL, TORTURE ME WHILE I'M THERE, NOT NOW. PLEASE. AND ONE DAY WHEN I FINALLY SEE YOU, IF EVER, I'LL WILLINGLY CARRY ALL THE SINS OF MY LOVED ONES SO THEY CAN GO TO HEAVEN. WHEN THAT TIME COMES, TORTURE ME ALL YOU LIKE. PLEASE LET ME BE HAPPY WITH MY LOVED ONES FOR NOW, BEFORE I'M GONE FROM THEM FOREVER. I'VE ALREADY LOST SOMEONE I LOVE A LOT, PROBABLY THE PERSON I'LL REMEMBER FIRST WHEN I DIE, PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME COLD TOWARDS MY PARENTS. I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYONE ANYMORE, I ALSO DON'T WANT TO BE HURT UNNECESSARILY ANYMORE. WHY MUST I ALWAYS SHOULDER THE FAULTS OF EVERYONE, YET REMAIN UNAPPRECIATED?

I still remember you... Saying to me on the day we broke up... "Please don't stop yourself from crying. Crying will prolong your life!" It was really cute, the way you said it. =)

No comments: