Today's August 25... If I'm still with her, 3 days from now would be our 26th month together. But I'm no longer with her. No, I should rephrase that. She's no longer with me. For the past 2 months or so, the only saying that really kept me going was what my father told me. "Na De Qi Yao Fang De Xia" It's some Chinese phrase that says "If you have the guts to take up something, have the guts to leave it, to put it down." Move on, you say. I have. But face it, how easy is it to let go of a near 2-year relationship? I'm a guy, yes. To most people, I'm simply a joker. Always cracking jokes, making a fool out of myself. To others, they see me as a genius, always slacking, yet scoring well for my examinations. Either way, it doesn't matter, because they only see what I project, and not what I really feel. I guess I've to be honest to myself sometimes too.
My dear ex-girlfriend, if you're reading this now, which you probably aren't, I want you to know that I still think of you every now and then, I still miss the good morning and sweet good night messages from you. I still remember the time I rushed to the Polyclinic to find you when we had some serious conflict. I still remember the time you went out secretly, against your parents' wishes, just to buy some food and bring it to my house. I also remember how you stood by me when my parents were getting divorced. Even though I seem happy to most people right now, I can't deny, deep inside me, there's still you. I want to hate you for the lies you told me towards the end, I want to say "Fuck off." to you, but I can't. I can't because a week of lies from you can't possibly take over the love you've given me for the 2 years or so. Let me... Go to the very beginning...
I first met her through her brother, who was a classmate, and friend of mine. Let's call my ex-girlfriend... Dolphin. I can't possibly use "Darling" now, can I? But I do remember for a fact she likes dolphins a lot, even the drink "Pink Dolphin". Anyway, at that time, I liked another girl, who has really done lots of shit to me, even though we aren't attached. Dolphin was always there for me, and never once did she say anything that would've benefitted herself. Anyway, I finally let go of the other girl, and for a while I didn't feel anything special for anyone. After a while, I felt something special for Dolphin, but at that time I seriously felt she was just a sweet girl, and that I'm just a friend to her. However, after some time, things became pretty obvious. Even her brother was telling me about it in school. I became really close friends with her, and pretty soon we were together. Here's something really cute; I had planned to ask her before she does anything, but strangely enough, she gave me a letter on the same day I planned to ask her. Thus, she's first. Haha.
I really enjoyed the times I had with her. However, exactly on our 5th month, her parents found out about us, and strongly went against it. Not only that, her brother, whom I regarded as a friend, didn't even bother to help. Her parents even came to talk to me, and at that time, I was forced to swallow my pride and my arguments, just to make sure my girlfriend won't get into further trouble. However, I did lose my temper about 3/4 through, as they were really getting too unreasonable. Anyway, after that incident, I was seriously considering breaking up with her, in order to prevent further problems. She didn't want to, no matter how I tried being logical and stuff with her. So we went on being together, and like most couples, had our ups and downs.
I've always had a bad temper, and the unfortunate one to receive it is usually my girlfriend. It's not that I don't try to control it, but sometimes it's just so damn hard to. Each time I lose my temper at her, I really regret it. And I always make it a point to apologise to her. I'm really thankful for how she tolerated all the crap I've thrown at her. And each time, she smiles and says "I don't mind. It's my fault too." even when there're times it has nothing to do with her. Here we're talking about a really sweet girl, who smiled even in times like this. We're talking about a sweet girl who folded 512 (it sounds like "I love you" in Hokkien) hearts for me.
Anyway, towards the end of our relationship, particularly the last 2 months with her, I sort of managed to control my temper well. In fact, we barely quarrelled, and I was really happy with her at that time. I was working at that time too (holidays), and wanted to take the last week off so I could spend some quality time with her. Who was to know that I would find out she likes another guy on the Saturday before that week? Who was to know she had to lie to me...? You know, I found out around 5am, Saturday morning? How? Friendster. Really sweet testimonials for each other, and shit. I called her up and asked her what exactly was going on, and she kept on denying everything. Later that day, around 6pm or so, I even went to Pasir Park with her, where she said she was just confused, and that she's really sure she still wants to be with me. But people, intuition does exist, and it told me things weren't good. On Sunday, I asked her again, calmly, and she finally admitted. We broke up over the phone on that very day, around 6.30pm. Just 2 more weeks and 1 day, and it would've been 2 years with her.
The next day, I went back to work, because I had given my manager my word that I would work for one last day. I couldn't even concentrate, losing my temper at customers and stuff. Anyway, I took 1/2 day, and went to meet her after that at the Esplanade, where we talked about the good old times. And there she was, the same old Dolphin I know, crying and telling me "I can't bear to let go." Yet, she insisted on breaking up. I still have the shirt she cried on. Anyway, the following 2 weeks or so after that was really shit. Her attitude towards me started changing, and the most hurting incident was one where I wished her good luck with the other guy, and she said I was being sarcastic? Seriously, would I be in the mood to be sarcastic? Anyway, although she said we are still friends and stuff, she hasn't contacted me yet, not even once.
You know, I shifted to my new house a few months before the breakup. And I had specially packed a box which contains all the stuff she has given me. I was supposed to unpack it after my new house is completely ready, TOGETHER WITH HER. It's still packed till now, and everytime I see it, I can't help but feel a tinge of sadness. Girl, if you're reading this now, I have some questions to ask you.... What happened to the girl I know? What did I do wrong? Are you happy now? The list goes on. My father says I'll probably never have these questions answered. My mother say I'll find a better girlfriend in future. Everyone says that, but even till now, I must admit, she was the sweetest girl I ever knew.
I don't know what else to type anymore. I just want to thank all my friends, and my parents who were there for me. And, to end it, here's two passages Dolphin typed for me from some book, back then when I liked the other girl, before I fell for Dolphin.
Loving Through Loss
Whatever comes will go. You confirm that truth over and over, with big things and small. Whoever you are with will depart, or you will beat them to it. Whatever you are doing will end,or you will no longer be around to do it. When you are young, healthy, and upbeat, you can forget this truth, but not for long. Soon you lose something you value.
Slowly your thoughts fill with wonderful memories. It hits home that this too - whatever this may be - really shall pass away. You can imagine a future, as certain the arrive as the rpesent moment was...
... Each loss leaves a hole. There is no point pretending it does not. Some of the holes are large. And life still goes on, always with the challenge to use the crisis produced by the loss to experience deeply how mysterious it all is, and, when appropriate, to get up once more and love.
The Myth Of Pain
The myth of pain says that if you love, you will be hurt, badly hurt. Too many people have experienced so much pain in connection with the people they most loved - parents, siblings, friends, lovers, would-be lovers, spouse - that they automatically associate loving with pain. Tehy have been abandoned, abused, and disappointed by the poeple they loved, not just once, but over and over again. If you associate pain with loving, you will challenge the truth of the old expression, "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
But the pain is inevitable in human life, more so if you pull away from love than if you move into it. Since it was the big loves that led to your pain, in order to break free of this myth, embrace the little loves that can fill up your life. Do not worry about the big ones for a while. Your protective instincts have no reason to concern
themselves about enthusiasm for your garden or your enjoyment of tonight's dinner. As you exercise the little loves, WORK TO MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR PAST, AND REPLACE THE MYTHS THAT GET IN THE WAY, THE FAMILIAR TIE BETWEEN LOVE AND PAIN WILL FADE AWAY.
If you've read this far, thanks. Girl, if you're reading this, I really thought you were the one. Sometimes I still think that way. Never mind that number 5... Probably just someone I'm trying to substitute you with. You still owe me a ballet dance :P. Have a good day everyone :).
Edit: On a side note, to those who have just broken up or something, don't give up on love. I think everybody needs somebody, yup? Don't lie to yourself ^_^.
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