20080308

Sometimes I look back at what I've to sacrifice to get to where I am today, I wonder if it's all worth it. Sometimes I don't really want to do certain things, but I do it anyway, because I feel obligated to. Then I realise, time and again, it's really not worth it sometimes. I barely spend time with my parents, and Geri, on the phone on weekdays. I spend weekends doing work as well. At the same time, my health's being neglected. Weighing the pros against the cons, the cons simply own the pros. No competition at all.

Yet time and again, I find myself repeating the cycle, more often than not, initiated by myself. Is it because of responsibility? I don't know. It's just not in me to leave things and walk away. However, with the way things are right now, I feel tempted to do so. I feel tempted to just leave all these bullshit behind and walk away. I feel stupid for doing so much, yet getting nothing in return. It'd be perfectly alright if I get nothing at all, but it sucks that on top of that, I'm getting punishments, and additional jobs I don't even deserve. I've been trying hard to convince myself for a long time that maybe this place isn't so screwed up, but time and again, I'm being proven wrong.

You know what, I'm tired, really tired. I feel like I'm being screwed by the very people I trust. I feel like crap. For once, I don't feel like doing anything about the situation I'm in. It's just an absolute waste of precious time and energy, which could be better spent on my dear ones.

I used to think that there'll always be light at the end of the tunnel, but all I see now is darkness. I don't even know where's the end anymore. Why do I have to answer for things I didn't do? Why do I have to answer to others? Why do I even feel the need to? Maybe it's because when I needed answers in the past, I never got them. Maybe that's why I don't want that happening to others. Well, who cares, the rain will eventually wash away all the pain.

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