Burn Me Alive

3 more days and it's my birthday, and here I am, not the least bit excited. All I'm thinking about is, "Is she going to wish me happy birthday?" I really wonder. I've already let go of her, I'm moving on, but some things just keep coming back. Sigh. And I've so many projects to rush, and none of my project groups are actually nice to work with. No offense to anyone. Maybe I should suffer a bit more to realise more things. Pain is essential to realise what's peace. Without suffering, what is peace? Life has been too good to me I guess, having made some real fun friends, playing soccer with them, laughing, joking, making a fool of myself with them. But when I come home, all alone, I can barely smile. I've to see a daily conflict between my mother and sister, and I love them both, but my sister's too childish for her own good. She doesn't understand how much hurt she's causing my mother. What can I do as a brother? I've talked to her, scolded her, and nothing seems to work. I guess I'll just let my mind enter some imaginary sort of world for a while, and write a letter for my ex-girlfriend. Here it goes...

Dear girl,
This is the second time I'm writing a letter here, and I know you won't be reading it. A part of me wants to thank you for the good times, yet a part of me can't help but feel like hating you for the bad times. But girl, to hate you would render the two years of happiness I had with you meaningless. I used to talk to you every night, about what's going on in my life, about my conflicts with friends, about everything! And you would do the same. Now there's no one left for me to talk to, other than a select group of friends. And I know, even within these friends, there're some who only behave like they care, but when the real trouble comes, they're gone. I can't talk to them like I did with you. I made a mistake by depending on you too much, I was weak. Only now do I realise my mistake, and I'm trying to rebuild everything from scratch. Dreams I shared with you, your dream house and stuff, they're all gone. I used to think you're really sweet to think so far, but now I realise how naive I was to believe you. Maybe you did mean it at that time, but your maturity level is well below that of someone who has a right to say all these. Girl, you haven't even called me yet, you haven't even tried to see how I'm doing. Those two years were nothing to you. What was I to you? This isn't love. Maybe love doesn't exist in this world anymore. I see so many couples in the streets, acting so lovingly, but I know, when they're alone, in their own private rooms, most of them simply want each other's bodies. I once read an article, that states that love will last more than three years, while lust will end before three years. I guess ours was lust. When you left, you said we could remain as the best of friends, that you didn't want me to hate you. Didn't you say them just to ease your own heart of guilt? I only lower my maturity level down to yours, and acted like I believed them because I didn't want the relationship to end with negative feelings. I wanted a mutual breakup, and deep inside me, I wanted to believe you. But you lied. Even then, I wanted to go on hoping. But I already know, hope always fails. Why is it then, that even now, I still worry how you're doing? I don't know. I already accepted the fact that me and you being together again is no longer possible. I wouldn't trust you anymore anyway. Why then do I still care? As I pray sometimes, why do I still pray for your peace? And even now, as I come to the end of this letter, I still want to wish you good luck with life, may you find happiness. Maybe, I'm trying to make up for the wrongs I've done, the wrongs... You said you didn't mind. But when you left, you said you did. Why then... Do I deny the wrongs you've done? Girl, this quote is for you, from me.

I miss you a little, I guess you could say, a little too much, a little too often, and a little more each day. - Anonymous