20040923

Sanity Within Insanity

Alright I just finished the OADES and ELNDES report! It was some tiring crap. Now I've to try and finish the OAD codind, or at least try to. I wish I had a group who would help me more. To Maclean, I know you want to help, but for me to delegate tasks to you right now would be too late as you don't have the necessary stuff with you. The sheets, diagrams, are all with me. Sorry about it. Anyway, thanks for offering to help.

School work has kept me busy recently, and I'm feeling composed in a way, although a part of me is probably insane already. I haven't been thinking too much. Is this considered running away? Well, I don't know. But even as I think of the past now I can somehow manage a smile. That's good enough for me. Here's some writing that I came up with...

This is the me you've created
The me you loved is now hated
From now on we're unrelated
Perhaps we were never fated


Damn. But in spite of all these "pain", there're always people who are truly suffering. Mine isn't even pain compared to theirs. I'm not worthy of saying I'm hurt.

What I am feeling isn't pain, I'm probably just longing for the past somehow. Dian said I'm trying to recreate the past and I'm probably lying to myself. I wonder... Maybe I should accept that the past is, well, the past. It's over. Time to move on.

But the weird thing is in spite of all these, there're always some people who can just brighten up your life. Damn. Maybe they're the like within my darkness ^_^. Someday I'll be the light in someone else's life. Hopefully. I will probably not be able to make anyone happy at all in my current state. Damn myself. I created this hell myself, and I can't get out of it. I need water. Water puts out fire. Fire in hell. But mine isn't really hell. It's just some stupid situation I got myself into because I let my useless heart control my mind. I want to be somebody's light :(.

But did you know I long for peace
But I can't, because this hatred exists


Hatred for... Some fuckers who will never read this blog. Some fuckers who caused my parents to broke up, and as if that wasn't enough, caused their own sister more pain. Didn't offered a helping hand. This sister of theirs... My mother. Yes, my parents were dumb enough to let those fuckers affect them that much. But that's all. My mother is already regretting at times, and my father asks about how she's doing all the time. Yet these fuckers, they just don't stop. Someday when I gain what I want I'll surely find you all. But my father says I should just forget about it already... Maybe...

I want to find peace, let my hate cease

I don't know, really. Because back then I didn't put in any effort to keep my family together. This is my error, my fault. All I want to do is make up for it now... Somehow.

Well, guess I got to go finish up the OAD now. Sorry for this really disorganised post. Take care people :). Got miss me? :P

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