YCYC

20040902

Negative Thoughts.

Here's another rant, seeing as I've nothing better to do. I've always been helping people when I can, I used to do it all the time, without caring who I'm helping, and whether it affects me. I don't know why I do it, and I'm not showing off or anything. If you think I am, please fuck off now. However, as I grew up, I started asking myself it it's really worth it. You help and help, but they aren't even there when you need help. Even worse, they probably don't appreciate it. So I started becoming selective of who I'm helping. I barely seek help from others, unless I really need help. And through this years, the number of people who were *TRULY* there can probably be counted by my fingers. To these people, thank you. You know who you are :). Back to topic. As I was saying, I started to reject certain people who needed help and shit. But each time I do, I feel my conscience pricking at me. As if my brain's telling me it's my duty to help others. What the hell? I love leading, I hate serving, why then do I always have this stupid conscience of mine? People who truly deserve help, like orphans and the old and unwanted, aren't getting it. I'm not even helping them, yet I'm helping fucked-ups who probably don't even appreciate a single bit. Why?

On another note, today was a rather ok day. Sigh, I think my teachers really either hate me, or my group. Everytime during OADES, I would be doing the coding and stuff, while the rest of my group sit around, sometimes talking, and sometimes watching me. I'll explain if they ask. And most of the time, I personally have to ask the teacher some questions. For some reason, he always tries to sarcast me and shit, but when my friend's group asked him, he explained to them really nicely and properly. WTF? During ELNDES today, another teacher too, told us that we would not have our break next week as we didn't manage to come up with the design. Hello? How the fuck am I supposed to know which counter to use? THE OTHER GROUPS DIDN'T HAVE ANY IDEA TOO. Why didn't he scold them? Even worse, for the initial subsystem, my group was actually one of the first to patch up the circuit and show it to them. What the fuck did I do wrong?

I fucking hate some of my classmates. Finding me only when they need help and shit. "Top student. Director's list." Fuck you. Firstly, I AM NOT THE TOP STUDENT. Secondly, yes I am in the Director List, but I would willing give it away if I can have a happy life. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU PEOPLE KNOW? You all have a happy family, and stuff, yet you whine daily? If you fail in your studies, you've a family business and stuff. The amount of money is your bank is probably 5 times of mine. Then what the hell are you complaining about?

"You are complaining too." I hear some of you say. Am I? For those who know me personally, have I ever whined about my life? Tell me. Yes, sometimes I'm REALLY pessimistic, but how often does that happen? I always talk to you all about my dreams, but how many of you even listen? I can't afford to let fuck-ups bring me down. Once, twice is enough. Those of you in my secondary school, especially those who backstabbed me, take care. Someday someone's going to stab you, literally. As you die in the pool of blood, you probably don't even feel any guilt. Your conscience is long gone :). Girls who know they're bitches and proud of being one, go on that way. I've no idea what the fuck you all are living for. Female superiority? Fuck it. Men have their strengths and weaknesses, women too. Why do you all want to be equal to us in everything? WHY DON'T YOU USE URINALS TOO? If you want be THAT equal. I've always respected girls for their ability to remain calm most of the time, barely losing their temper. And I really do think that we're made equal, with men being better at better things, and women at others. That's all.

There's also my family. My parents are already divorced, yet all my sister is doing is trying to sow more hatred between them. My mother too, is STILL SO FUCKING GOD DAMN IMMATURED. YES SHE'S A GOOD LOVING MOTHER TOWARDS ME. BUT HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO HATE MY FATHER? WHAT HAS HE DONE WRONG? HAVEN'T YOU REALISED IT WAS YOUR OWN MISJUDGMENT? YOUR FUCKING SIBLINGS DESTROYED THIS FAMILY. THAT'S ALL. YES, MY FATHER HAS A BAD TEMPER, BUT THAT'S IT? IF I AM WRONG, TELL ME PERSONALLY. Don't always fucking tell me I don't understand and shit. AND MY DEAR SISTER, I KNOW YOU WILL READ THIS. And you'll probably complain to her. Go ahead. Someday I'll be rich enough to feed you all, while living alone, in some place.

I made a really stupid mistake today. I was eating in the canteen and 5 was there too. When I left, I REALLY wanted to turn to her, and smile and say hi and stuff. But for some fucked up reason I didn't. Actually I think the reason is her being attached, and I don't really want to like an attached girl... Although I probably do like her a little... Anyway, my friends were saying she was looking at me all the way, as though she wanted to say hi. I'm really sorry about this. I've tried calling her but she isn't at home. Sent her an sms, but there's still no reply. Sigh. Fuck.

Anyway, I ended the day playing soccer and stuff. And I did something I really hate myself for. I took out my handphone for no reason at all, and wanted to call "Darling HP". This entry, no longer exists in my handphone. For some reason, I had forgotten I'm not with her anymore. Don't ask me why. I don't understand too.

To my friends, kindness is a good thing. There's no such thing as excessive kindness. When you help others, you help yourself. You make yourself feel better, and ALTHOUGH YOU DO NOT MAKE A DIFFERENCE FOR THE WORLD, you made the difference for one person. In my opinion, if I can help just one person every day, it's more than enough. You know who you are. I treat you all as my really good friends, so I don't know how to tell you this personally. But I know you'll read this :).

To my parents, who will probably never read this: I understand that you both want me to be strong and succeed. But there's a limit to strong I can be mentally before I break. To my father, I'm thankful that you took me out to drink and stuff after I broke up with her. To my mother, I know you tried to cheer me up, but the way you think is simply too different from me. If ever by some chance, you all get to know of this, please know that what you all are doing and saying to me right now, will only make me a person devoid of any feelings in future. I don't want to be like that, at all. I don't want to say a thing to either of you about this, because it'll only hurt you. Maybe if I'm ever gone, things will be better for the family :).

To my sister, you're a good girl, but for fuck's sake, spare a thought for our parents and stop being so selfish.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey YC...

I think in life when we help others we should do so without any thoughts of them appreciating it or returning that favour although it is human nature to do so... At least you still have a conscience be glad about it... It's a good thing and not bad... As to your parents, i may not understand what you're going through but if you ever need me, i'm just a phone call away ok? Don't ever hesitate to call me... i'll be here when you need me always...

Love
Daphnie