20040911

Thoughts

Although I'm really happy and thankful for everything my good friends have done, there's this little part of me that's really confused and screwed... I've been trying to study for my psychology test which I'll have to take later, but all my mind's been thinking about is my ex-girlfriend. Not that I'm sad, but sometimes I just wonder... If she hadn't left me, wouldn't... I be the happiest man right now? Good friends, sweet girlfriend, my life would be near-perfect. I don't know how to express what I feel in a proper way, so I'm just going to type out a letter, addressed to her again. She probably won't read this though, so it's ok.

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Dear girl,
I've no idea where to start. I only know I didn't intend to contact you at all, and all along, I had been thinking, that if ever you call me, what would I do? How would I reply? But then you had to send me some birthday sms "accidentally" with your sister's phone. And it was sent one day in advance. I even thought I had dialled your number by mistake, somehow... Maybe I really missed you. Only later on did I realise that I was actually diverted to your house number because you turned off your sister's phone when I tried to call. When I talked, I wanted to just... Put down. That's what I wanted to. But then I heard your sweet voice, and I knew I couldn't. Then we talked, and you once again, like the old times, told me about your dreams of becoming a ballet teacher, among others. You even asked how my friends were. How Maclean, Kelvin, Gregory, Alan, and the rest of my good friends were doing. Why do you still care? Then you told me you had broken up with the guy you left me for, because he wasn't committed. Girl, how many guys are you going to hurt just because you're unsure? After you left me, you should've at least taken some time to make sure of your own feelings, but you didn't. You even told me insultingly that you were really sure you LOVED him. Why then, did you leave him? Now you're telling me it's an infatuation. So I asked you for another chance, and you didn't want to give. Pride? I already threw mine away for you once, and now I'm swallowing it once more, just for one more chance with you. But I didn't get it. I asked for a date, and you agreed. It would happen after your examinations. But I already know, that date would probably be the last date for us, ever. I also told you a lot of stuffs that happened after we broke up. I KNOW, some of them aren't pleasant to hear, some of them sounds like I'm a playboy and stuff, BUT GIRL, DID YOU KNOW WHY I EVEN TOLD THEM TO YOU? Because I wanted to believe that you still cared, that's why, I told them to you so you could actually stop wondering if I'm doing fine.

But what did I get? The next day, on my birthday, 12.20am, you gave me a "Happy Birthday" sms. I appreciate it, I really do. I still keep that message, together with all the wonderful messages you used to send me. It was a forwarded message, and you added some personal stuff to it afterwards. You said "PS: Happy 18th bday! hope you have a burfday filled with smiles and love. may ur wishes come true on this very special day n stay nice!:) don't change. take cares n good luck in ur present and future endeavours!:p nitey! sweetest dreams! -snores-" I called you back to thank you, and we talked for the second time since we stopped contacting each other two months or so ago. And what did you say when I asked if we could've another chance? You still said no. I asked you why... And finally you said, "I feel you've become more open, but in a worse way." Just because I told you certain things? I've not touched nor played any girl since I left you, neither do I have a right to. Why then, do you say this? You also said that you always felt very lousy when you are with me. What exactly did I do wrong? Why do you always keep running away from facts? You admitted you've been blaming me for everything for no reason at all, just so that you could get on with your own life. How selfish can you get?

Don't change? I've tried VERY hard not to. And what did I get, girl? You, who haven't contacted me at all, saying I've changed for the worse and stuff, just because of a SINGLE sentence I said? I'm only asking for one chance to start all over again, starting as friends. I don't even get it. I just want to be with you once more... That's all.
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To my friends, thanks for everything, and I'm fine. Don't worry :D. You all have already done more than enough as friends. Well, most of you anyway. You know who you are. Someday I'll repay you all. Thank you all, really.

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