20080809

Turbulence

I wish I could write out in words exactly how I feel, but sadly, there's a severe limitation to using language as a form of expression, and some feelings just have no words as equals. Moreover, I feel really uncomfortable blogging about certain personal things.

I had a really tiring week as it was the Freshmen Orientation Week, but nevertheless, I think it was all worth it! I never thought that I'd be enjoying it as much as I am at the end of it, considering how pessimistic I am. I'm thankful to have met certain people, and hopefully, great friendships can come out of it all =)!

Throughout the FOW I realised many things about myself I didn't know previously, probably due to suddenly interacting with strangers again, or maybe because the idle mind is truly the devil's workshop. I realised that the truth is I've been affected/changed by things I thought wouldn't affect me, that the effects of various things get more and more pronounced as time goes by. I realised that I'm not as strong as I thought I am, that I'm still a coward within.

Some things are better left ignored, but the truth is when you ignore it knowingly you never truly do. Ignorance is bliss, but ignoring isn't. It comes back to haunt you, and sometimes when you're feeling happy it just comes back to bring you down, as though you're forever indebted to it. Maybe it's just me, it probably boils down to me being unable to forgive myself, or sometimes others. I wish I could but I'm just a human.

I realised that perhaps a part of me is still desperately trying to find out who I really am, and at the same time, desperately longing for certain things in the past. I've never felt like I belong to this place, so I crack jokes, and try to lighten things up all the time, because that's probably the only way I know. Everyone needs a little magic, a little bit of light(ness) in their lives. I hate the fact that everything's so planned, so scheduled, and so routined. I hate it but yet I've submitted myself to it as well, because it's the only way I know of. Reach towards the things you hate the most, and maybe you might find a way out someday.

Suddenly, it didn't matter how well I did in my poly, or my numerous other academic achievements. They suddenly don't matter at all.

I miss my sister, I miss my parents being together, I miss my younger self when I didn't have to worry about a single thing, and I wish that some things didn't turn out the way they did. It took me years to finally realise all these. When I turn around I still see myself from years ago, desperately trying to find a way out of everything. And today, when I looked in the mirror, I saw him again, still desperately trying to find a way out of everything.

Anyway, it's just a random rant, and to end this post, here are some pictures of my group, STRENGTH, during the FOW! Also, to my dearest Geri, sorry for not spending as much time you and I would've liked during the week, I miss you =)!











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