Maybe I should just stop joking around so much so you can see who I really am inside. The jokes are meant to be a facade, because I don't want to take life so seriously. It always brings a smile to my face when I see people laugh, and I think it's better to be known as a fool sometimes. But it really sucks when the people you're close to can't tell if you're joking or not, and it's f*cking pissing me off to no end.
This has happened numerous times already, maybe it's me after all. How can I be my serious self knowing it'd not being any smile to the people I love and care about?
I am f*cking irritated right now. It takes a lot to irritate me to this extent, because only the people I put in high regard can do that. And that's also why it sucks so much. F*ck. Really.
On another note, when I'm feeling negative emotions I tend to see things clearer, write better, and study better. So, I've decided on what to do this coming December:
- Work out like f*ck.
- Catch up with some people whom I REALLY miss but don't talk about, like Boon Tiong's mum, my HDKs, and my Dad and sister.
- Spend more time at home with my mother.
- Beg/Borrow/Steal a car to drive around. I love driving around at night and doing nothing else.
And from now till 27th I'm going to study very hard. I'm seriously pissed off with many things right now, and something just had to make me snap, although I know it's not really anyone's fault.
I think in this world there're people who need to feel negative emotions to move on, and I know some of my friends are like that. I also know that I was one of them, and recently I realised maybe I'm still one of them. It's due to conditioning. I love all things dark.
On another note, I'm happy that things sort of worked out. Somehow.
I need to buy a damn punching bag soon, I probably need anger management. I haven't felt so agitated in a while. I think the lack of sleep pisses me off. Then again, it's nice to work out right after you wake up. It makes you energetic.
You know what, I think I'm becoming increasingly distant and cold nowadays. Thankfully not towards the people I care about.
With all that being said, I still love jokes. And I still care about the people I'm pissed at. And I still care about doing well in school. F*ck, if this wasn't a residence, I'd probably be shouting some nonsense profanity to feel better. I want to go to some beach with no one (so others are not affected unnecessarily), and just shout.
Seriously, more than anything else, I'm f*cking pissed off at myself. And I realised that perhaps I still want to believe in some things. Why do my weaknesses keep coming back to eat me? Time to seriously do nothing about it! Because it doesn't matter anymore, because I realised maybe they aren't weaknesses after all. HEHE I am happy now.
"I tried to be someone else, but nothing seems to change, I know now, this is who I really am inside." - The Kill, 30 Seconds To Mars