20050108

Null

Hi all, here I am again. Here's what's really been going on for the past few weeks/months. I'm on really good terms with my ex-girlfriend, and she wants to get back together. But being the bastard I'm born to be, I didn't want to, cause of numerous reasons. I still have feelings for her, but I don't ever want to say I love her, or anyone else. At least not for now. Love has chosen to desert me. I know she might be crying as I'm typing this, and I really don't feel good at all. She's always been a great girl. Great personality, really sweet looking, helpful, nice, etc.

A couple of times she wanted to end everything. As in, she goes her way, and I go my way. And each time, I will somehow manage to convince her not to be so rash, and each time, I'm not even sure of myself. That's the kind of person I am. She always feels that she owes me something, because back then it was her who left me. But she never realises that I played a big part in the breaking up. My temper was horrible. Anyone else would've left too. Probably at a much earlier time as well. Even till now, she feels that she owes me something. I've told her a lot of times she doesn't. I don't know what else I can say, I really feel empty sometimes.

Why am I writing this now? Because she just sent me an sms, saying she doesn't want to be so selfish anymore. She wants us to just be friends. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. I really want to blame her parents for everything, but in the end it's me. Time and again, I've made her cry. I guess I've probably done it again. I just want to take this time to write something personal to her, she might read this in a few months time or so. I can't sms her right now, she said not to. And if I do sms at this time, it'll only make her feel worse. Moreover, I think it's better that I write this now before I completely become numb or something, I'm already empty enough.

I don't know what I can say or do to make you happy, but I'm sorry for causing you this hurt you don't deserve. You've been a great girl to me for 2 years. You still are. I hope you'll always be. You deserve someone much better than I am, someone who your parents like. Know that this time round it's not your fault at all, not even a single bit. It's me. I know it's tiring for you to wait for me, especially when I seem to be playing you. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say anymore. Just take care, I'll always be cheering you on, somehow.

I would like to include her name in there, but I don't think she would want that. She's probably the sweetest girl I've ever known. I don't think I'll be updating this blog for a while, unless it's not related to my life. There's nothing worth mentioning in my life anymore.

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