20060325

Thoughts of a Forgettable Young Man

Every single time he calls, he only asks about my sister. The only time he asks about me is when he can't get my sister, or when he needs something from me. Just like when he needed me to open a new StarHub line for him. Yes, he's my father. For my sister he'll probably kill himself, but when I get all distinctions for my recent examinations, it doesn't even matter to him. Yes, that's the life I've been living for the past two years or so. Or should I say, since the day my sister was born. Only it became more apparent recently.

Maybe it's better to be a problematic child.

I've always tried my best at doing everything well, be it studies, friendship, relationships, work, or organizing events. To me, it's either you do it well, or don't do it at all. I did well in my studies when I was in my lower primary. Always scoring within the top 5 in class. In upper primary, I started playing more and studying less, and my results suffered as a result. In either case, my parents didn't really pressure me. I thought I was lucky to have such good parents. My PSLE came, and I didn't do well at all. Thankfully, I was still able to enter the Express stream at a normal neighbourhood secondary school. I started studying a little harder, and I was able to sail through my lower secondary school life rather smoothly, except for a few hiccups here and there, especially when it came to my second language, Mandarin. Then came the turning point in my life. My parents divorced. Back then I really hated them for doing that. I hated the fact that my relatives had so much influence in everything. I also hated the fact that I wasn't able to do a thing. I decided there and then that I'll try my best to do well for my O Levels, and for once, I actually felt like I've a path in life.

I felt like getting everything I wanted, I also felt like returning my relatives the favour.

I wasn't on good terms with my father after the divorce initially. Nevertheless, the situation improved, and we were soon on talking terms. I've always liked my mother, because I think she's one of the best mothers anyone can ever have. The sad thing is, she refuses to talk to my father at all. I've no idea why. When the father can't gets the mother, he goes through his son. As a result, I'm always the middleman. Always the one against both of them, always the one trying to defend both of them. Defend them from who? From each other. It was pretty difficult trying to study for my O Levels with all these things happening. It didn't help that one of my teachers said that I was using my parents' divorce as a reason for not studying. If only she knew how hard it was.

Time passed by, and soon I was having my O Levels. I did well enough to be able to enter a few not-so-prestigious Junior Colleges, but I decided to go to Temasek Polytechnic in the end. The reason I did so was because I've always liked computers. I love programming, I love playing around with the hardware. I love just about everything related to computers. Thus, I ended up going to ETCM in Temasek Polytechnic's School of Engineering, before opting to go for Computer Engineering in my second year. Sadly, ETCM is a course often looked down upon by many other students, because it has a relatively high cut-off point. Anyway, I did pretty well in my Year 1. I got into the Director's List, which is an award for the top 10% of the students. Yet again, my parents didn't seem be particularly care. They're always going, "Good job. Just don't pressure yourself too much." I don't get a single thing for scoring. Nothing at all. On the other hand, my sister, who has always been a little weaker in studies, will probably get anything she wants as long as she passes. Especially from my father. Nevertheless, I wasn't one to expect too much from anyone at all, and I also understand that my parents work hard to earn money to support us. I still felt life was pretty good, especially with the bunch of friends I've in school. You know, what goes up must come down. The same goes for happiness. My girlfriend left me. For another guy. Well, well. Isn't it weird how the person who once made you smile the most is now making you cry?

Of course, being the stubborn person I am. I refused to be beaten just like that. I was really down at that time, but my friends stood by me. I decided then that I'll do my best in my studies no matter that. That one day I'll do well in life. That I'll be a good friend, a good son, and a good husband. So I worked really hard when Year 2 started. My group members weren't strong in programming, and I had to shoulder most of the responsibility. Moreover, I still haven't recovered from the breakup. Life was tough, but it soon got better. Also, I still had to play the middleman role for my parents. As I said earlier, what goes up WILL come down. My sister started changing for the worst. So now, I've to handle my parents, AND my sister.

I've already written about my sister numerous times. My parents are like tools and fools to her. Sadly, they are still like this. I don't want to count the number of times my parents argued because of her. Neither do I want to count the number of times I was involved for no particular reason at all. All I know is she's no longer the sister I know, and no longer someone I'd want to associate myself with. But what can I do? I was born to be her brother. I can't change facts. Right? So here I am, still trying to be patient. Still trying to be nice. But what do I get? Shit from both my parents, and my sister.

My father called me a while ago, asking me to pass money to my sister again. For what? So she can go and buy her cigarettes? I told him I can't do that as I was outside. He told me he already messaged my mother to pass her the money, and that once again, my mother didn't reply. So I called my mother, and told her to pass my sister the money first. Somehow, I sounded rude to her, and she's now angry and hurt because of me. My father too, because I literally shouted at him. Great, so now I'm wrong again. Just yesterday, my sister called me, asking me to buy dinner home for her. I told her I would be home late, and to call my mother first. Or she can go and cook some instant noodles. Somehow, when I came home, my mother was home, but my sister was nowhere in sight. It seems that she came home, saw my mother, and immediately left home. Great. I gave her a call, and from the way she talked, it seems like she's pushing all the blame to me. That I didn't care for her, that I'd rather she eat instant noodles than to buy food for her. Great... Really. You fucking walked out on your family, and you expect everyone to shower you with love like we owe you everything?

Really, maybe it's better to be a problematic child.

To all the people reading this, please. If you're a parent, never let your problems with your partner affect your children. Please treat your children with equal love, no matter how different they are. Never, ever say you prefer one over the other to your child. Never. If you're a child, never hurt your parents knowingly. Also, no matter how bad they may treat you, remember, they will always be your parents, like it or not. Remember. You know, I still think my parents are nice people after all these. They've been nice, and I'd rather remember them for the good things than the bad things.

So once again, I'm probably going to exercise a little to relieve the anger and sadness, and maybe sleep after that. Tomorrow, I'm going to smile again, like nothing's ever happened. Like everything's forgettable, just like I am.

1 comment:

shawnbenson52978137 said...

Do you want free porn? Contact my AIM SN 'abunnyinpink' just say 'give me some pics now!'.

No age verification required, totally free! Just send an instant message to AIM screen name "abunnyinpink".

Any message you send is fine!

AIM abuse can be reported here.