20060523

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People will forever care only about their own problems, their own motives, their own feelings. I barely have any time left to enjoy my life before NS, and everyday I've to face some family shit. You think it's so god damn easy trying to keep all to myself and keeping silent all these while? When father makes noise I keep it away from mother. When mother makes noise I keep it away from father. When sister's giving problems I've to take all the shit from everyone. What kind of family is this? What is the purpose of a family if there's so much more pain than joy? What's the point of loving your parents when you don't even get appreciated? Why do people always lose their temper over the stupidest and smallest of things, such as not wanting to have dinner till a while later. Is that something worth losing your temper over? Is that an example that I should follow? And people always say I've a bad temper. Hasn't it become so much better over the years? What else do you want? I simply forgot that you had already bought dinner, and I was eating the cookies before I called you anyway. Why are you so pissed off just because I didn't want to have dinner till a while later? Why must you behave like I did it on purpose to piss you off?

DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK I ENJOY BEING IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THESE? I CAN'T EVEN ENJOY MYSELF BEFORE NS. FUCKING HELL I THINK NS WOULD BE MUCH MORE OF A CHALET THAN THIS HELL IS. You don't understand anything. You only want things your way. Have I ever lost my temper at you unnecessarily? Why must you always look at all the small things and lose your temper over them? Just like the divorce. Why can't you remember each other for the good times? Why must you all blame each other for the divorce? Fucking shit sometimes I think I'm better off dead than to be here. Since it seems like I'm always the cause of everything. You tell me this is a good lesson for me so I don't repeat this mistake in future. I feel like this is a lesson to remind me of all the evil things humans are capable of. Why preach what you can't practise? I HATE WRITING SO MUCH SHIT IN THIS BLOG, I WISH YOU COULD UNDERSTAND ALL OF THESE. But you won't. And if I'm going to bottle up any more feelings it's going to drive me insane. So I've no choice but to write. I hate taking out my own problems on others, because that would remind me of how you had chosen to react many a times. This blog is like a gateway for me. A way for me to express myself. Not to anyone, but just to relieve that little bit of stress and tension. That little bit of hope that someone out there is probably reading this and cheering me on.

I really hate the way things are with my life. What do you understand? If buying dinner for me would cause so much trouble I'd rather not have dinner in future. To make a mountain out of a molehill, to cause so much pain when you could've just STFU and used a plaster. WHY? Is watching your own son suffer on your behalf such a joyful feeling? What are you trying to teach me? What is this society becoming? You are SO GOD DAMN NICE TO ME WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY, but look at yourself when you're pissed off. You don't even give a shit about my feelings. I'm your son so I've to take all this? I've never felt more exhausted, more tired in my life. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just a tool for the both of you. Someone you can be proud of for the sake of your own pride and ego. I might seem like I've everything but the truth is I have close to nothing already. The Gods, the whatever you want to call it higher beings, or fate, or anything at all, I've been robbed of so many stuff that rightfully belongs to me I feel like I've nothing anymore. Like an object filled with the desire to just succeed, to prove everyone wrong, to prove my own worth.

So time and again no matter how fucking shitty I feel I'm just going to sleep and wake up trying to feel better the next day. Or I'll be taking it out on my weights, or sometimes someone who doesn't deserve the shit from me. You told me to enjoy life before NS. Yet you're the two stopping it from happening. Maybe it's better if I wasn't born to begin with. They say life is wonderful because of the fact that it can be taken away anytime. You know, sometimes I think people will prefer it being taken away. I want to believe that life is wonderful too, but how can I believe in it when the people closest to me are showing me otherwise?

Sometimes when you really want to say something hurtful, or punch someone, look at yourself in the mirror and do it first. Do you think everyone can take the shit you throw at them? Even the mirror will break when you punch it. Life is even more fragile than a mirror. You think I can take it? All the time? Have I not tried to understand you time and again?

Tomorrow will be a better day. Tonight I'll be haunted by the demons of the past again. One day I'll stop blogging I'm sure, that'll be the day I'm completely void of any emotions. Pain, pleasure, all will be a thing of the past.

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