20050305

The Conflict Within

Why do I still feel this weird uneasy feeling every time I see you or think of you? It's so fucked up. And what do I do to get rid of it? I simply block out everything. I can't believe I'm running away. But even harder to accept is the fact you don't care anymore. Everything. Fuck. I already have enough problems believing, and you made it worse. Faith is something I don't have.

I wish I could put my feelings into words. I've problems doing that. I wish I could blame you, but I don't want to live my life with excuses. I wish everything didn't end, yet I also wish I had never met you to begin with. Even then, I want to treasure everything and move on.

I knew I had to clear/think through everything in my mind once I'm done with my work and whatnots. I knew and I thought I was prepared for it. But till now, every time I think about ANYTHING related to you at all, I only feel this stupid sadness. It's pointless. If I could become logical about my feelings it would be so perfect, but how can feelings ever be rational?

I don't exactly think of you all the time, but every time I look back I find myself stopping. Every time I look at the past, I get stopped in my tracks. By myself. As long as you're in my memories I find it nearly impossible to move on. But I'm going to do it, somehow. I won't fucking let a girl control this life of mine. And you don't even seem to care. Yet I'm really happy each time I se your smiling face in Friendster, or anywhere else. I feel that you're truly happy now. Unlike back then, when you were with me.

You said you were happy with me, but I know now =). Lies, will always be lies, no matter how much you try to cover it. Truth is after all, what I choose to believe in.

I told myself I shouldn't place girls/relationships as an important factor in my life, and in a way I've succeeded. But my mind/heart somehow doesn't remove you along with the everything else. It's like my brain needs you to function. Just like you need a "Shut Down" function on your computer. Every time I think of you, my brain stops work on whatever it's been working on, and concentrates on you. Like an INTERRUPT. Yes, a High Priority Interrupt. Haha.

I think. You know, imagine building a wonderful sandcastle, only for you to destroy it yourself. Imagine someone building you a wonderful sandcastle, and then destroying it right in front of you, when it has already become a treasure to you.

But sandcastles were never made to last. Even if the waves don't hit it, it'll be affected by wind. It's all a matter of time before everything ends. Everything. Ends.

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