20050319

Darkness

I spend most of my time joking away with my friends nowadays, and I really do enjoy it. But sometimes a part of me tells me to stop joking and be serious, that all I'm really doing is running away. I don't know, really. Don't really want to think about it either.

Everytime I'm serious, others will also think I'm joking. I guess that's the image I've created in other people's minds. Not that I bother, since most of the time these people aren't at fault =). It's me.

Sometimes I just start thinking of all the serious stuff and forget about everything else. When that happens it feels like I'm sinking into nowhere. It's a dark path, and I already know it. Even then I can't stop thinking and sinking further. It feels like destiny. Everytime I start believing in something good, something else will surely happen to make me start thinking negatively again.

I don't know anything anymore. I want to hate some people, but I've problems doing that. I don't even feel like I'm part of this world sometimes. Like I'm watching a show. This world is really fake. Really fucked.

Those who've worked with me before will know that I seek perfection. In fact I almost never stop working on something till I'm 100% pleased with it. The same goes for my life. But somehow it feels that in the quest to get the best out of myself, I've lost myself completely. I don't know what the heck I'm doing at all. I've never felt so empty before, I think.

Every night I reflect on the past, only to feel this stupid weird sad feeling. And every night I can't sleep till my body's completely tired out. Haha. Fuck.

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